How to begin? Well, let’s just say the past few weeks have not gone well for me. July SUCKED!! Between deaths and childhood phases and illness, I have been totally off track. I’ve been more consumed with taking care of others than taking care of myself. And that’s okay, there just needs to be some balance. I mean, of course I am going to do what needs to be done to make sure my kids are okay and the baby gets back to where she needs to be, but I need to balance that with some time to take care of myself. As much as I’ve been going to the gym over the past month or so (although not so much the past few weeks) I haven’t really been taking care of myself. I haven’t been fully aware of what I’ve been putting into my body. I’ve been really scattered over the past few months about that actually. I used to meticulously plan out what I was going to eat each meal, each day, each week. I don’t know when the last time I sat down and did that. I think I got a little burned out, but I also got lazy and complacent. I stopped taking the time to care for me.

I had a visit from some old “friends” this morning. I’m sure some of you have the same “friends”: self-hatred, disgust, despair. Those little voices that get in your head and tell you that you can’t do this, you’ll always be fat, you’ll never be able to get to goal so why don’t you give up….. You all know them. The reason these three came along? Well, my pants are fitting a little tighter this morning. It’s my own fault, and I should have been prepared, but I wasn’t. I never am. They hit me full force. Actually, self hatred hangs around all the time. Confession time: Did you know that I cannot look at myself in a mirror? I will take a few fleeting glances, but I cannot stand in front of a mirror and look at myself. I haven’t been able to do that for at least 3 years now. If you were to meet me and talk to me or interact with me, you would never know that I have such self-loathing. I want to change this. I’m just not sure how.

I started this blog to track food, to be accountable to someone - even if it was just the world wide web and no one ever read this. But a funny thing happened. I met a wonderful group of women. You all know who you are, but you guys have touched me in ways you don’t even know. I still want this blog to be a type of accountablilty, but I need to do some “housecleaning” first. I have issues — mental blocks if you will — that somehow derail my weight loss train (a horrible analogy — I sincerely apologize). I have to find a way to break through them and come to terms or I will never be able to lose this weight — or keep it off. I sabotoge all efforts I make and I have to figure out why.

So, that being said, this blog will not be about food journals or working out for awhile. I’m going to use it as a journal to try and figure out my feelings. I will still be dieting and such, but I need to have an outlet to get these feelings out. I need to figure out a way to eat better…healthier. I could limit myself to 1500k a day, but if I’m not eating the right things, I won’t get out of this rut. I’ve been doing some research about “Clean Eating” and i may try that. Who knows…. I first have to work on my inner demons.

So read if you dare! Most of the posts will probably be long ramblings making no sense… stream of conscienceness if you will… As long as you promise not to call the men in white coats on me!! :)