Confessions of a Bulk Eater

Is AWESOME!!!! Of course I would go see it and think it rocked even if it did suck since I LOVE me some Harrison Ford, but it was actually really good! My friend and I went and saw it last night when it opened. I am so tired today though. I got about 2 hours of sleep. Got home around 3, not sure what time I actually fell asleep, but I know it took awhile. I was awakened by the baby at 5:45. Ugh. Thoroughly enjoyed the movie though. I will have to go see it again with my husband, but that’s okay. I won’t mind one bit…. this time I can just stare dreamy eyed at Harrison Ford since I know what’s going to happen in the movie.

And Shia Lebouf isn’t all that bad either……

Someone left a chocolate cake in the breakroom yesterday…..EVIL DOERS. But I did resist… although I did take some of the frosting that was left on the side of the box.

anyway..

Breakfast: Alternative Bagel with 2 TBPS hummus and 1 slice tomato
Lunch: W/W Fiesta Quesadilla, leftover soggy Pear Salad from night before
Snack: chips, 1 banana with PB
Dinner: Spinach Fettucini noodles with Summer Squash and Cherry Tomatoes (SO easy and yummy. will post recipe soon b/c you have to try this!), coleslaw

I was hungry last night, but I didn’t eat. I sat through a midnight movie while hungry and didn’t get any snacks from the movie theater snack bar b/c I figured I really didn’t need to eat that stuff that late at night.

You are probably wonder why I even bother journaling. I am obviously falling off the wagon day after day after day. Well, the group that I am in started a new series and we are supposed to be writing down EVERYTHING we eat every day for this week and last week. Thus the ugly details every day. I am writing them in a journal as well, but if I have them in two places it’s easier to remember. This way I can blog about my sins on here and then write them down later.

Breakfast: 1 Alternitive Bagel (1pt) with 1 slice tomato and 2TBPS hummus (1pt) — total 2 points
Lunch: Healthy Choice Panini (6pts), chips (5pts)
Snack: small orange (0pts)

*Disclaimer… the following may not be suitable for dieting eyes!
Snack on the way home from work: 1 chicken snack wrap and 3 chicken nuggets from Wendy’s
Snack when I got home: a bowl of Crispex cereal with fat free milk, several handfuls of BBQ Fritos, a few handfuls of White Cheddar cheezits, a few forkfuls of cold macaroni and cheese

Dinner: we went to a new place for dinner. I had a Pear Salad with lettuce, pears(duh), candied walnuts, blue cheese and craisins with a balsamic/cider vinegar dressing. I only ate half.

I don’t know what my problem was yesterday. I was SO hungry. I would eat…. wait a little bit like I should (I am a fast eater so I have to let my stomach catch up) and then I would be ravenous!! I was so light headed and jittery on the way home last night I had to stop and get something!! And hey, I could have gotten fries and everythign else, but I stuck to small things. Okay, so I didn’t need the nuggets, but I bought them for my daughter who was in the car with me. Okay, I bought them for me and shared with her. Then I was still hungry when I got home… I don’t know what’s going on. Thankfully I stuck to something “fairly” healthy at dinner and I only ate half (of course after eating the entire contents of my pantry again I wasn’t really all that hungry anymore)

Do you know why I hate dieting? Because it makes me so fucking irritable. There, I dropped the f-bomb (I apolgize if I offend) but it’s true. And the more irritable I get, the more I eat. And the more I eat, the worse I feel about myself and the harder it is to keep going. Why can’t I just be happy with the way I am? Although I am overweight, I am definitely NOT a couch potato. I am fit. I can keep up with my kids, I play volleyball at least twice a week and I even exercise about 3 times a week. This is me. I’ve always been like this. Even in high school with playing sports year round, I was still overweight. Whay mental block do I have that keeps me from at least liking one little molecule of myself?! Wait… perhaps that’s it… I’m MENTAL!!! Someone call the guys in the white coats!

Yesterday I did SO well…. until I got home. By then I was irratable. I wasn’t really hungry, but I was yelling at the kids and trying to exercise but my littlest (18months) was all up in my grill and it was just not condusive to exercising. So what did I do? I stopped exercising and started eating. Good job, Eryn. That’s the way to do it. I wish my little friend would just come so I could the get PMS over with. My body is starting to do weird things again. It was this way before I started having children. It was so off cycle. I never knew when she would come visit. I think now after 2 children and being off the pill since, well, since before I got pregnant with the second one, it’s going back into normal mode which is not really any sort of norm after all. Perhaps that’s part of the problem too. I know my doctor won’t put me back on birth control because I’ve had a tubal, so there really isn’t any need to go back on.

You know the funny thing? I don’t even like food anymore. It sounds weird, so let me try and explain. I am so tried of eating junk OR dieting and not being able to eat what I want or what I really like OR feeling guilty for eating what I shouldn’t that I don’t even enjoy eating anymore. Ask me where I want to go eat - don’t even bother. I am so over food and eating this and not eating that that nothing NOTHING even sounds good to me anymore. And that’s sad because I’ll see a recipe or something and it looks SO good to me and I’ll make it but then I won’t even want it. Does it stop me from eating though? HELL NO!! I’ll still eat - zombie like. There is no enjoyment anymore. I wish it did stop me from eating. Maybe then I wouldn’t be overweight!! But then I think I would have picked up an eating disorder and I don’t want that either. I wish I could just find a balance. I wish I could just start exercising enough to be able to eat what I want… not over eat mind you. Just eat in moderation, but eat the things I ENJOY!!!! And to not eat things that I don’t enjoy just to put something in my mouth and stomach. Is there a Food-aholic’s Anonymous? Well, there is an Overeaters Anonymous, right? For people with eating disorders? Perhaps I should join. Not that I think it would do any good. I’ve been in weight watchers long enough to KNOW what the right things are too eat.. the “rules” per say.

Blah….. on a different note…. THANK YOU SO MUCH getupnow for turning me on to C25K I have a feeling this is what I need. I found the podcasts and then went on a treasure hunt for my husbands MP3 player last night that he doesn’t use anymore. I am going to download them and start this. I have always been envious of runners and I need an outlet or I am going to explode. I walk every once in awhile, but I get bored. Those podcasts sound great and I’ll feel like I’m in the club with the techno music. I don’t know if I’ll start this week or next. I really should get a good pair of running shoes first since my shoes have been abused by 3 years of volleyball and every day wear. I can’t wait to get started though!! And then maybe I can join my mom in running all the races we have around here instead of walking in the 3K.

Why does it seem the weekends go by so fast?!   It really isn’t fair.  There is just so much stuff to do and not enough time.  Oh well.

The weekend went well.  The party was a huge success.   How did I do eating-wise?  Well, I did better than normal.  Usually I stuff my face with everything there is to eat.  Not this time though.  I’m glad I made 2 pans of lasagne b/c people didn’t bring that much food.  Why come to a potluck not bringing enough food?!   But my lasagne that is usually 8 servings got cut into 12 servings, so that cut down on the calories and point value.  I overdid it a little on the chips and dips, BUT the dips I brought were virtually fat free and very low cal, so I still did okay.   And I didn’t eat as much as I usually would have.  Usually I would have come away feeling over-stuffed.  Not this time.

Yesterday was an eh….  okay day.  I ate WAY too many chips at lunch (with leftover dip of course) and then had a Buffalo Chicken Salad at a bbq joint last night.  BUT, I didn’t put any dressing on it.  The wing sauce pretty much coated most of the stuff so it was fine.  I got the dressing on the side and just dipped my fork into it a few times.   andthenIate1/2ofmydaughtersgrilledcheesesandwhichandsomefries

Moving on…   back on track today.  I haven’t gone grocery shopping yet and that usually kills me, but I brought leftover lasagne for lunch and stopped at the store on the way to work and picked up an Amy’s Breakfast Burrito.  I wanted her Tofu Scramble, but silly baby Publix didn’t have it (that is what we call the smaller Publix’s around here - baby ones)  Oh well.  The burrito is just as filling, has just as much protien, but is lower points value (5 vs 7)     AND, I brought the leftover chips and dip for my friends here to enjoy.  I don’t want them!  Let them eat them and then I don’t have to bring them home!

I am not looking forward to this weekend.   My in-laws are coming in which means we will be eating out EVERY meal.  UGH!!!  I need the willpower to choose healthy choices.

Today is a challenging day.  I have many food obstacles today but so far I have done well with dodging them.

Breakfast:    We went to Chick-fil-A, but instead of eating something bad, I ate….    w/w bagel and w/w cream cheese!!  I brought my own!!  I did get some fruit, but that is a good choice!   So breakfast was a total of 4 points.

We went to volleyball so I got some exercise there.    Then brought the kids home and had LUNCH:  w/w fiesta quesadilla - 4pts, cheezits - 3 pts, 1/2 banana - 2pts

So far so good!!    I took the kids to the park to meet a little girl in my son’s class and her mom.   We were there for about an hour, and although I didn’t “play”, I did walk around with them a lot.  No sitting on the bench here.

I just did a marathon cooking session for a party tonight.  That is my next challenge.  Parties are tough because basically if there is food in front of me, I’ll eat it.  No matter what.   To me food = eat.  But it’s a potluck so to be sure I had something healthy, I made a veggie lasagne.  I also made a vegan refried bean dip (with tofu instead of sour cream) and a Roasted Tomato Bean dip that is SO YUMMY!   I also cut up some carrots and celery and broccoli to take with me to eat the dip with instead of chips.

That is my PLAN!!  I hope to God I stick with it.  I have to get a handle on my eating.

Thanks goodness!  I am so ready.  Although my weekend will not be very relaxing.  I have a volleyball game tomorrow morning and then a party I am co-hosting tomorrow night.  I’m a little worried about the party.  All the food and temptations.   The only saving thing is that everyone is bringing something so I know what I am going to bring (a veggie lasagne whose recipe came from this very website).  That way I know what the points are and what I am putting in my mouth.  I just hope I don’t go overboard.   Put food in front of me and I’ll eat it.

It’s been a good day so far:

Breakfast:  1 w/w bagel with 1 w/w cream cheese — 3 pts

Lunch: W/W frozen meal -Rice and Beans with 2 f/f flour tortillas, mini quaker snacks — 10pts

Snack: cheezits - 5pts

Dinner: Sausage Frittata — 4 pts,  pizza rolls - 4 points, 1 pita with hummus - 1 point

Getting better.  I didn’t exercise, but I ate much better than I had been during the week

So I slightly…  ever so slightly… redeemed myself from my gorge fest yesterday.  I exercised todayWOO HOO!!!  48 minutes of Debbie Siebers on Beach Body in 6 Ramp it Up.  I am actually doing better on the Ramp it Up than I excepted.  I think I get bored too easily on the first phase because it’s so slow.  This is much faster, although it’s longer.  I really don’t like the fact it’s 48 minutes, but I’ll keep doing it.  

First off, to answer a question from Round:  bulk eater is my term for the way I eat.  I don’t just eat a serving or two of chips, I eat the whole bag.  I don’t eat just a few slices of cheese, I eat the whole block.  I don’t just eat the 2 mini pitas that is a serving, I eat the whole package and the whole tub of hummus.   Is it a correct term?  Probably not, but that’s what I call it.

I started counting points today until lunch.   We went to Chipotle…which is quickly becoming a favorite restaurant of mine.  Not good.  

Breakfast: w/w bagel with w/w cream cheese — 3 points total

Lunch:  Chipotle Vegetarian Burrito with rice, black beans, fajita veggies (peppers and onions), corn salsa, sour cream, cheese and lettuce.   Plus chips and salsa (is anyone seeing a pattern here?  me too)

Dinner:  I cooked dinner for the fam, but after exercising, I didn’t want to eat the cooked chicken flesh I had cooked.  It was just unappetizing.  Of course I haven’t eaten a lot of meat, or cooked it for that matter, in almost 2 months.   And I didn’t want anything hot.  So anyway, I ate a Ceaser salad, which isn’t all that healthy but better than what I had cooked and 2 mini pitas with hummus (another pattern? methinks it is)

So that was today.  Slightly redeeming - except the burrito and the chips.  Although the burrito itself wasn’t THAT bad, it’s the freaking CHIPS AND SALSA!!!  Eh.

 BUT I EXERCISED!!!   

Here it is..  out in the open for all to see.    The downfall from grace.   Here I had that great post yesterday (IMO anyway) about remembering where I had come from and what I had accomplished and it all goes down the drain.    Yesterday was a long day at work.  Not long in hours…  it just felt LONG.   I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin by the time I left.   I ate my orange on the way out the door but felt ravenous still.   I had decisions on what to do last night.  I was supposed to go to a friend’s and watch the season finale of ANTM, but another friend wanted me to go to Amigos with her and the girls (they meet every Wed), but I sort of just wanted to stay home.    

I got home and made the kiddos a snack, and because I was so hungry, decided to have one myself.   So I had 2 mini pitas with hummus….     and 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter….   and a few pieces of cheddar cheese…  and the crumbs at the bottom of the bag of baked Ruffles…  and a piece of bread and with peanut butter (b/c the 2 spoonfuls weren’t enough apparantly)…  and a small cup of f/f milk.    By this time I wanted to puke.  In fact, I actually went and tried to make myself throw up.  Don’t worry, I’m not bulemic or anything.  I couldn’t be if I wanted to be.  I can NEVER make myself throw up.  It didnt’ happen this time either.   I was left with the pukey feeling.

So DH got home and I decided I was going to go to Amigos and gorge myself on tortilla chips since I had already made a mockery of my diet.  Plus I felt like I needed a margarita.   I cancelled with my other friend and headed off.   Thankfully I txted the friend who was supposed to be going to Amigos and she had drama going on with her daughter so I knew she wasn’t going either.  I promptly turned around and went home.   You would think that I wouldn’t have even thought about eating after my gorging before, but you would be wrong.  Remember, I’m a bulk eater.   

So…  I made tossed salad wraps for dinner (but I used f/f ranch dressing) with breaded (breaded!!) chicken tenders and had one of those AND a tortilla with some black bean dip that i made last week.    And I followed all of that with some mini rice snacks.

 THEN and only then was I done.  Finished.  I went and watched ANTM and IM’d my friend throughout.

How in the world did all that happen?  Why was I feeling so hungry?  Well, I know that my period will be starting soon and that usually amps my eating habits.   I don’t know why.   I could ponder it, but it would be way TMI so I’ll refrain.   Ugh, I hate when I eat like this.  I feel bad inside and out.  I just don’t know how to stop.

Breakfast:  w/w bagel (2pts) with w/w cream cheese (1pt) - total 3

 Lunch:  Rice with chickpeas and tomatos (5pts), broccoli (0pts), baby carrots (0pts), hummus (1pt), mini rice cakes (2pts) — total 8pts.  

**Why is it that I can eat all of the above and STILL FEEL HUNGRY?!!   Wha?!  WTF?!    Yes, I know I eat too fast and my brain has to catch up to my stomach or vice versa, but still.  I could seriously go eat something else right now.  And not a little something, a big something!!   UGH****

The plan for Dinner is:  Tossed Salad Wraps.  Not sure if I will only eat one, or eat 2 of them.  They are 4 pts a piece, so I’ll have to see where I’m at by then.  I have an orange in refrigerator here for a snack before I leave work.

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