Do you know why I hate dieting? Because it makes me so fucking irritable. There, I dropped the f-bomb (I apolgize if I offend) but it’s true. And the more irritable I get, the more I eat. And the more I eat, the worse I feel about myself and the harder it is to keep going. Why can’t I just be happy with the way I am? Although I am overweight, I am definitely NOT a couch potato. I am fit. I can keep up with my kids, I play volleyball at least twice a week and I even exercise about 3 times a week. This is me. I’ve always been like this. Even in high school with playing sports year round, I was still overweight. Whay mental block do I have that keeps me from at least liking one little molecule of myself?! Wait… perhaps that’s it… I’m MENTAL!!! Someone call the guys in the white coats!

Yesterday I did SO well…. until I got home. By then I was irratable. I wasn’t really hungry, but I was yelling at the kids and trying to exercise but my littlest (18months) was all up in my grill and it was just not condusive to exercising. So what did I do? I stopped exercising and started eating. Good job, Eryn. That’s the way to do it. I wish my little friend would just come so I could the get PMS over with. My body is starting to do weird things again. It was this way before I started having children. It was so off cycle. I never knew when she would come visit. I think now after 2 children and being off the pill since, well, since before I got pregnant with the second one, it’s going back into normal mode which is not really any sort of norm after all. Perhaps that’s part of the problem too. I know my doctor won’t put me back on birth control because I’ve had a tubal, so there really isn’t any need to go back on.

You know the funny thing? I don’t even like food anymore. It sounds weird, so let me try and explain. I am so tried of eating junk OR dieting and not being able to eat what I want or what I really like OR feeling guilty for eating what I shouldn’t that I don’t even enjoy eating anymore. Ask me where I want to go eat - don’t even bother. I am so over food and eating this and not eating that that nothing NOTHING even sounds good to me anymore. And that’s sad because I’ll see a recipe or something and it looks SO good to me and I’ll make it but then I won’t even want it. Does it stop me from eating though? HELL NO!! I’ll still eat - zombie like. There is no enjoyment anymore. I wish it did stop me from eating. Maybe then I wouldn’t be overweight!! But then I think I would have picked up an eating disorder and I don’t want that either. I wish I could just find a balance. I wish I could just start exercising enough to be able to eat what I want… not over eat mind you. Just eat in moderation, but eat the things I ENJOY!!!! And to not eat things that I don’t enjoy just to put something in my mouth and stomach. Is there a Food-aholic’s Anonymous? Well, there is an Overeaters Anonymous, right? For people with eating disorders? Perhaps I should join. Not that I think it would do any good. I’ve been in weight watchers long enough to KNOW what the right things are too eat.. the “rules” per say.

Blah….. on a different note…. THANK YOU SO MUCH getupnow for turning me on to C25K I have a feeling this is what I need. I found the podcasts and then went on a treasure hunt for my husbands MP3 player last night that he doesn’t use anymore. I am going to download them and start this. I have always been envious of runners and I need an outlet or I am going to explode. I walk every once in awhile, but I get bored. Those podcasts sound great and I’ll feel like I’m in the club with the techno music. I don’t know if I’ll start this week or next. I really should get a good pair of running shoes first since my shoes have been abused by 3 years of volleyball and every day wear. I can’t wait to get started though!! And then maybe I can join my mom in running all the races we have around here instead of walking in the 3K.