I am on the edge.  I can tell.  I am better today than I was last week, but I am not in a normal place.  I have so many things going on in my head and it is dragging me down.  My husband hit it on the head yesterday when he said it is starting to affect our relationship.  He’s right.  I’m at the point I just want to be alone.  If I were single, I would probably come home from work everynight and put my head under the covers.   Sometimes I wish I could do that.

 What’s going on in my life?   1. My dad had surgery to remove his prostate a week ago.  My dad lives 3000 miles away in CA.  I am an only child and my dad was my life growing up.  Yes, I am a daddy’s girl.  The surgery went fine, but the there was more cancer than they originally suspected so they have to wait a month to do blood work to see if it had spread.     2.  Work - I work in the construction business.  I live in Central Florida.  If you haven’t been following the news, the home building business is in a downturn right now.  Since summer of last year, we have gone through 3 rounds of layoffs in my company.  I’ve survived everyone of them.  Although I don’t worry too much about this, you never know what’s going to happen.  It’s just always in the back of my mind.  There is nothing I will be able to do to stop it if it happens, but it is there in my head.    3.  The third thing and most destructive is the fact that I hate myself right now.  I hate the way I look, I hate the fact that I can’t lose weight, I hate my hair, I hate my glasses (or contacts  - whatever I tend to be wearing at the time).  I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror.  None of my clothes fit right.  I feel that I am hideous - elephant man hideous.  I would love to put a bag over my head and walk around like that.   This is why my mental state is starting to cause problems in my relationship.  I don’t want anyone to get close - I feel that I don’t deserve it.   Why wouold anyone want me?  I don’t even want me.

No matter what I do to lose weight, it doesn’t work.  I have no willpower.  Not sure why.  I WANT to lose weight.  But then when something comes up to thwart the effort, I give in every time.   I’m trying something new right now.  The Eat to Live diet by Dr. Joel Furhman.  Will it work?  Who knows.  I read the book and it seems like a good thing.  Not just on a weight loss side, but also just a health side.  I don’t know if I have the willpower for it though.  For instance, I did really well until I was making lunches for my kids. I stuffed a handful of Cheez-its in my mouth.  Why?  Why do I do that?  I somehow need to get into my head and figure out all this crap.   Something’s gotta give or I am going to end up in a padded room.