Enough, Enuf…

so, this is going to be my last, or one of my last posts on this blog.
why? because when something isn’t working, you’re an idiot to keep trying the same thing and making the same mistakes over and over and over again. this blog has worked for me in the past, it’s helped me sort out my feelings and plan diets and remember to exercise. i’ve gotten so much support from people on here and it’s really been great. but at the end of the day, i’m fatter than i was when i started the blog. i pretty much write the same miserable shit over and over and over again. i’ve realized that all the plans i’ve tried don’t work for me. i have probably 20+ “i’m starting over!” posts. it’s to the point where it’s ridiculous.
i hate blogging in a way because it makes me feel guilty. whenever i write, i remember how good i was over the summer, how i blogged every day, how i was 30 pounds lighter and i thought i was going somewhere. every time i try to write something now, i feel like a failure compared to her.
i’m not giving up, i’m moving. i’m starting a completely new blog and a completely new lifestyle change that i’ve been meaning for a while now, and you can follow me to tumblr (where, yes, i already have another blog that’s more about my real, non-diet life), where there’s no spam and more pictures and fun stuff. the url is fatfabvegn.tumblr.com.
i’m going to try to spend more time on the actual 3fc website and make connections there, but, God, i will miss this blog. it really helps me see a lot clearer and say the things that i am usually afraid to say. i hope that everyone who has ever commented on here knows how much they’ve helped me throughout my journey and that everyone will reach their goals and become their happiest selves. it’s soooo hard to lose weight and to change your mindset and i know that no one understands that as much as the women on this website. i love you all.
15 months. 124 posts. thousands of words. 22 pounds lost, 30 regained. countless tears shed, a few victories. countless spam bots. countless amazing comments. a few awesome blog friends.
through all the pain and sadness in my life, i am happy to say that this blog has been mostly good.

okay, so i’m going to keep things very simple.

here’s what i’m going to eat today, and i’ll do tomorrow too in case i don’t have time since i have to work really early in the monrning.

11.28.10

fage honey yogurt - like 250 calories or something…
luna bar - 180 calories
2 white chocolate truffles - 160 calories
salad - 500 calories approx.
yoplait yogurt - 150 calories

so that should be about…1400 calories. i’m too lazy to really add right now.
i’ll drink a lot of water and work out for like 1-2 hours, depending on energy levels.

11.29.10
whole grain bagel w/butter - 420 calories
bbq chicken salad - 500 calories
whole grain baguette piece - 200 calories
yoplait - 150 calories

again, water + exercise.

okay, i’m about to weigh myself. i’m really hoping i’m at 230 so that i can have a hope of getting down to 220 in the next 3 weeks and then 215 by doing a fast for the 3 days before i go home. if i’m above that, well, this won’t be a good start…

arggh 233.0. and i just started my period. the odds are against me but i really don’t have a choice. let’s begin.

i wrote a great paper today.

i had a really enjoyable class.

i left my other class early.

i stood up for myself when my roommates were pissing me off and it felt good.

i drove alone on a highway.

all my roommates are gone.

i flat-ironed my hair.

i slept for 8 hours.

i gave a tour.

no school for 5 days.

i’m visiting family tomorrow.

i blogged.

i feel a little better than usual.

i hate to say it, but i’m so disappointed in myself. my eating is so poor right now. my weight is through the roof. i’m 4 weeks away from going home and i have to lose a minimum of 10 pounds so my parents don’t freak out on me. i keep trying to start diets and failing. i just read an article saying that 90% of obese (UGH I HATE USING THAT WORD TO DESCRIBE MY BODYYYYYYY) teenagers will stay that way their entire lives.

I NEED TO BE IN THE TEN PERCENT. I CANNOT LIVE THIS LIFE IN THIS BODY ANYMORE.

school is screwing me over. i literally want to take a semester off just to learn how to be healthy again. all i want to do is go home and watch netflix and sleep but i’m so anxious about going home because i don’t want to argue with my parents about my weight. i wish there was a neutral place i could live where i don’t have to stress about school or my parents. i hate the way i look. all my clothes are super tight and feel like shit. i’m so unhealthy right now any energy i exert makes me out of breath which is SO BAD and so unlike me. my body is so angry with me right now…i never sleep always eat junk junk junk and it’s pissed off and retaining water and gaining fat and i keep doing THE SAME SHIT. whyyyyyy.

all i can think about is how much help i need how far i have to go to be not obese, not even healthy, not even thin. i think about all the pretty people around me and how hard it is to be ignored all the time. i look at my old self and she looks prettier and happier by the minute because i am getting uglier and unhappier by the minute. i dread seeing people because i don’t want to be judged. i am in such a bad place right now.

i literally need intensive counseling. my brain is so fucked up because it tells me all the time how ugly and unhappy i am and then tells me at the same time not to do the things that will make me more happy. it tells me not to blog because it knows that if i do i will tell the truth and i will spill tears and maybe maybe start to do the right thing. but then after i stop writing stop crying stop looking my misery dead in the eye it tells me to go right back to the things that made me so mad i had to blog in the first place.

i blame school but at the same time it’s me. i blame my friends but it’s me. i blame my parents but it’s me. i don’t know how to reconcile all these fucked up thoughts and all the fucked up things that have happened to me. i don’t know how to say screw you to my thoughts. i don’t know how to stop eating. i don’t. and how painful is it to write those words. other things that are painful to admit:

i look terrible.

i am so afraid for my future.

i think i will always be damaged.

my parents don’t love me because i am fat.

my sister thinks i’m a loser.

i look like a slob.

i might never be thin.

i might have to kill myself if i’m not thin.

i’m obsessed with my body and hating everything about it.

i care about others more than myself.

all i want to do is sleep and eat.

all i want to do is never eat again.

every year i am unhappier than before.

i envy my friends and their carefree lives.

i am unloveable.

i am unforgivable.

i am ugly.

i am pathetic.

i am a failure.

please don’t feel sorry for me, i know i am fucked up, but i’m going to try to work on it. i’d rather put messed-up shit on my blog than stay silent. i’ve been silent for too long.

i know i’m going to finish typing this and go eat some shit. i’m being honest. i’m tired of lying on a fucking private diet blog. i may or may not come back tomorrow/thursday/friday/next week/next month/next year. who knows. i know that if i don’t, i won’t lose weight, and if i do, i might. if i do, i have a chance. i need to be real. i need to blog. i blog to live. so when i don’t, i’m dead.

what up what up.

okay, so i’m starting afresh for the millionth zillionth time, but this time it’s going to work because it has to work. instead of just waking up and saying i’m going to change, i’m going to make a plan.

plan pt. 1- schedule shit.

i have a calendar with all my classes and activities and other stuff on it, so why not schedule in exercise? i’m going to do that now. okay, did it for this week. goal - 1.5 hours in 45 minute sessions 5 days per week, spinning class on saturdays, sundays off. let’s do it.

plan pt. 2 - eating.

ugh, food, the bane of my existence. this is what i’m going to do - what works. i’m going to go grocery shopping tonight and then turn off my meal plan for the week. this is what i’m going to buy…

2 half gallons of milk. whole wheat bagel thins. hummus. 6 luna bars. 6 yogurts.

this is how i’m going to eat.

morning.

1 bowl of special k red berries w/milk.

1 yogurt.

early afternoon.

1 luna bar.

late afternoon.

1 bowl of special k red berries w/milk

evening.

whole wheat bagel thin w/hummus.

night.

jello chocolate mousse.

that should be about 1200 calories. not as high as it ought to be - eventually to be healthy in a more sustainable way, i’d like to do 1500 cals per day, but i need to wean myself off junky fatty food, as well as get my meal points to where they should be (i’m 100 below the recommended #) and i’m going to down water all week like i never have before. i might get a few lemons too to try to get rid of any excess water weight.

plan pt. 3 - school and stuff.

school is really stressing me out right now, and that obviously contributes a great deal to my horrible eating habits. i’m going to stop studying in my room with my friends because they are extremely distracting and i never get any work done with them. i’m going to keep studying off campus (like i am right now) and try to order healthy meals when i do. if i stay totally on plan this week then when i study off campus next sunday i’ll have a low-fat smoothie and salad at panera.  i’m going to try to go to class more often and really commit myself for the 2nd half of the semester so that my GPA doesn’t drop.

and finally, no matter what, i need to blog, pray, and read a page of my self-help books and a page of the Bible before i go to sleep every night/when i wake up every morning.

okay, here i go!

does anyone else get loads of spam on their comments?? my last 7 comments have been straight spam…so annoying!!

other annoying things…having to write a paper in the next 4 hours about a topic you have no clue about. being super lazy all weekend and thus having to write the paper at the last minute. gaining back all the weight you lost over the summer and then some. being at your highest weight ever. feeling overwhelmed at every second of the day. working 30 hours a week. and other things.

i’m trying again though. i really am. pray for me. i’ll be back soon.

<3 yasmin

hey there,

it’s me! i’m actually back! i’m trying to get back into the swing of writing more often. i definitely feel like writing a lot, but just don’t do it for some reason. probably because i’m generally not doing that well at life…sigh.

anyway, i’m kind of in a funk right now. things were going extremely well with school, if not my diet/exercise regimen, and then i drank on friday night and i have literally gotten NOTHING done (and it’s sunday night). i’m trying to write a paper right now and i’m just stuck, i’m behind on readings, and i just generally feel like shit. i didn’t eat much friday because i was trying the whole “healthy” thing, and so of course i threw up all over the place later that night and felt like someone hit me in the head the next day. so that sucked. and today i ended up eating a bunch of pasta because i was starving and felt really weak. so again, not good. but it was whole wheat pasta. could’ve made a better choice like salad or something but i was really really weak, trust me. i guess that’s just an excuse.

i hate to use the “d-word”, but i do think that i *might* be falling into a depression. typical of this time of year. the excitement of the beginning of the school year is gone, and things are just getting more and more irritating and harder and harder to do. I’m realizing that some of the lofty goals I set out for myself at the beginning of the semester might not be realized, which is mildly depressing. It’s getting harder and harder to do the hundreds of pages of readings I have every week, and harder to write these bullshit papers. my roommates are starting to get on my nerves. and it’s becoming harder and harder to get work done around here. i’m also on my period, which might be why i’m feeling extra ridiculous right now. i don’t know.

ahhhhh unhappiness is creeping up my sleeves and into my veins. this is not a good look.

i don’t want to talk about it anymore. let’s talk about the future. i want to study abroad. i decided that i still hate my school and my life here. i don’t know that life abroad will necessarily be different, but it will be away. i’m realizing that here, I only have my best friend and literally one other friend who really know/care about me, and then a slew of acquaintances. i’m not blaming that on anyone but myself, but it’s an unfortunate existence. i miss my friends from home (not that going abroad will actually help that lol). i still don’t really enjoy drinking and partying half as much as the average college student does/should. i like my classes but i’m taking too many. my activities are alright but they’re also getting on my nerves.

i’m not sure if i’m just an anti-social fuck-up or if i just really don’t have a niche here at all. i think it’s a combination of the two. i think there is a niche where i could fit but i just have no idea how to integrate myself into it. and then honestly, that niche isn’t exactly the one i’d occupy in my ideal college experience. sometimes (all the time) i wish i could transfer to another school just to see if it’s me or this place where everyone is the same and everyone is boring.

or maybe in a new place it would all come back to the same things. that i’m a self-hater with serious issues that prevent me from enjoying life. i don’t knowwwwwwww. it’s always going to be a mystery.

right now i have a million pages to read and a paper to write and all i want to do is surf the internet and sleep. that’s always a bad sign. i think i’m going to see if i feel like writing it in the next hour and if not i’ll just hit the sack and do it tomorrow morning. sigh. sigh. sigh.

i think i just need a lot more alone time. i’ve been in the room a lot this week/weekend and that’s never good. i’ll see what i can do in the library/other study-riffic zones this week. i hope things will be better.

good things.

i worked out today for almost an hour in the gym, and then i also biked to and from my tutoring student’s house, which took almost another hour, so i would say i burned like 800 calories today. hopefully that entire pasta i ate.

besides the pasta, i only had a bowl of special k, a yogurt, some pocky (okay, not the best choice), pretzels/nutella, and some m and m’s. okay. that was a lot. but i didn’t binge.

things went fairly well with my tutoring student.

i got a good amount of sleep this weekend.

i didn’t fail my human evolution exam.

i wrote half a sentence for this paper.

i will hopefully be abroad for all of next year.

a huge concert is this weekend.

fall break is next weekend.

i’m not that behind on work even though i haven’t done anything this weekend.

i don’t have to work tomorrow or tuesday.

i get paid on tuesday.

i’m going to be a gypsy for halloween i think.

1 month of school down, 2.5 to go.

if i can get my shit together and my weight down, next summer should be awesome.

there are a lot of good things.

so, this is something different than the traditional “good things” list.

i hope…

that someday i will be completely healthy and happy, and that that day will come sometime soon, before i waste all of my youthful years.

that i will be a little more confident, a little more happy, a little less cynical with each passing day.

that i’ll eventually learn the drums.

to have a dog.

to find some (guy) who understands me as well as my friends.

fears.

well, obvoiusly, that none of the above will happen.

that i am doomed.

that i am incapable of being intelligent and successful in the way that our world expects.

i’ll never find a fruit that i both like and am not allergic to.

the things i know.

i have bright dreams.

i have good friends.

my parents are crazy and they love me.

i have more hope than fear.

hello there!

i’m not going to say “i’m finally back” because, with the way my life is going, i have no idea. i do need to make myself more of a priority, which means making my blog more of a priority, but life is literally crazy. but again, me…priority. i’ll have to get used to it.

okay, free-flow thoughts…1) i’ve been eating like total shit for the past 2 months, which basically negated me eating amazingly for the entire summer, back to like 220-something, which i said i would never do, and that really sucks. 2) i’m so done with this unhealthy eating crap. it’s not worth it. now i say this as i just finished 2 slices of pizza and am drinking a grape fanta, but in four hours, i’m done. 3) i’ve realized, through all the diets and crap that i’ve subjected myself to my entire life, i have never ever ever truly considered any of them to be permanent. i just haven’t. it’s always been, well i’m going to eat like this and workout like this for 2 weeks/2 months/2 years and then go back to normal/eat some junk/eat kind of healthy/become a vegan/other craziness. THAT DOESN’T WORK. i have to commit to eating differently for the rest of my life. i mean, again, this summer, i was great. i messed up a lot and didn’t lose as much as i would have liked, but i lost. i worked out. i enjoyed being healthier. i felt great. then the summer ended and i had no real plan and here i am, 6 weeks later, diet who? 20-pound-weight-loss…where? i have to commit to being healthy for life. i can’t keep this cycle going. before it was like…weight stagant, weight gain, repeat, repeat. but to have lost weight, significant amounts of weight for the first time in my adult life, and then gain it back, it’s like…really?????

umm…so. here’s my new plan life.

the healthiest me…

…is alive, in the moment, is breathing fresh air. she is not languishing in the past, she is swimming in the present, she is surviving the occasional riptide and basking in the sun.

…more specifically, is cognizant of the choices she makes. she doesn’t let things happen to her, she decides when, how, and where things are going to affect her and what she can do to change things. she is remembering her mother’s favorite prayer “God help to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” the healthiest me is very, very wise.

…always makes the healthiest choice possible when she is on her own. she plans to make these healthy choices, she doesn’t leave things up to her crazy impulsive brain. she makes so many carefully planned healthy choices that eventually healthy becomes the crazy impulse.

…almost always makes the healthiest choice when with others. she doesn’t let the fact that others are watching or judging change her extreme desire to be her best self. she confidently makes the best choices for herself, occasionally making not-the-most-healthy choices in situations that call for a little adventure and celebration.

…makes it simple. she doesn’t obsess over food, over eating. she makes choices, and moves on. she doesn’t go haywire after making a bad decision, she blogs about it, thinks about it, and figures out a new way to avoid making the same mistake another thousand times.

…exercises. she doesn’t freak out about missing a workout or anything, but the next day, she gets back on the grind. she does the things she likes, and she does them often. she tries to do something almost every day.

…sleeps. simple as that. maybe not 8 hours at a time, but 8 hours a day. she respects her body enough to get to bed on time.

…prays. every night. for her own sake, for her family, for her friends, for her life.

…reads, for pleasure. turns off the computer for a few hours a week and enjoys her magazine subscriptions, a page or two from her self-help books, the pleasure of a old novel.

…blogs, for her life.

…tries as best as possible to weigh-in everyday (although, not for a while) and put things into fitday.

…spends more time on 3fc and reading other blogs, for inspiration and to inspire.

…loves her friends, but doesn’t spend every ounce of love she has on them and their problems.

…works on her self-esteem, with “good things” lists, with poems, short stories, lots and lots of lavish self-praise.

…is forward-looking, as always, but not to the point where she can’t see where she’s standing at the moment.

…loves, loves, loves, and hopes to be loved back.

i think that’s all. and yet, she is so much more.

hey there!

it’s nice to be back without a huge gaping span of time between posts. I know this is probably weird for anyone who reads this blog because over the summer i was posting everyday at a minimum, sometimes twice a day if I was really bored. i guess that’s not really going to happen this year lol. i’m definitely going to post once a week as the bare bare minimum, and hopefully i’ll end up writing at least every other day. we’ll see.

this week has gone extremely well in terms of Power 90. I completed my 5th workout in a row this morning (morning workout - YES!). tomorrow is my last day before I finish week one and get to take a break on sunday. i’m considering restarting my running schedule. i enjoyed it, and it’s not very hard. so that’d be really nice if I can just find the time. it’s so hard to create a plan to wake up early when i occasionally have to work at 5 am. maybe on the days that I have to wake up and work I’ll just do power 90, and the days that I don’t I’ll do the run schedule. I guess it can be pretty informal since I’m not really training for a race. Power 90 is a great workout, but at the end of the day it’s only 30 minutes. An extra 30 minutes of running would probably really help me burn the calories I need to even on Scuplt days.

what else…i’m mildly stressed out. i’ve already stupidly slept through classes and stuff, but I know i really just need to stop spending so much time socializing and more time working so that I get the sleep I need. my friends/roommates are all going away on a retreat this weekend, which is actually great because I’ll get a lot of work done. I just need to spend more time away from the room/my friends/my bed. i’m working on that.

eating has been bad. i just haven’t been able to work up the energy to eat healthily. it’s sad that it takes energy to eat healthy, but it does for me. today has gone well so far. i’ve had a parfait, which i think was an okay choice. i know that unlike this summer, when i was doing atkins/low-carb and eating mostly food i bought, eating healthy won’t come naturally this school year. i’m going to start instituting some of the measures that worked decently well last year like not eating real meals from the dining hall, avoiding eating with friends, turning off my meal card on occasion, eating in the room, not bringing my credit card places, etc. it sucks because i feel like i moved a step backwards - i didn’t have to do any of these things during the summer (except occasionally leaving my credit card at home), but i need to realize that it’s not summer anymore and i have to do things differently.

i really want to start working on my eating now because the way that i’ve been eating, i could do power90 perfectly and probably run a bunch too and still not lose a pound or inch. and that’s pathetic. why do all that work only to not see any results? that’s what happened last year. i worked out so much but basically negated everything i did with bad eating. so i’m trying not to do that. this summer i really saw how great things can be when i workout and eat healthily. i’ll never forget the quote from some reality tv start who said that being healthy is 60% eating and 40% exercise. exercise can give me a boost, but it can’t overpower my shitty eating habits. so working on it, working on it.

my bike is broken, which sucks…i could really use a relaxing bike ride these days, this weekend. i could also use it to get to work instead of walking the entire mile and a half. i miss biking.

other things. it’s almost my blog’s 1 year anniversary!!!! yes yes yes! only a week away. at the end of the day, i might be 10ish pounds heavier than i was when i started this weight-loss blog last year, but i’ve still kept it going and written in it about every 3 days on average. i think that’s fantastic for a girl who generally can’t keep a journal for more than a week. maybe for the anniversary i’ll change up the theme and pages and fun stuff. it’s exciting.

i guess i’m not really addressing all the emotions that have come out in the past couple posts. i have issues, what can i say? i know that i can eat healthily, but i don’t know how to do that without counting carbs, i’ve realized. counting calories isn’t good enough, i feel like. i don’t know. i don’t know.

today is friday. i’m going to do a good things list.

1. i think i have a really good chance of being cast into a professional performing arts department production. i find out tonight, i’ll tell you tomorrow, swear.

2. i’m down to 215 after randomly being at 217.8 for a day.

3. almost done with power 90 week 1.

4. i miss running, which is something i never thought i’d say/think.

5. i don’t hate living with my friends as much as i thought i would.

6. i didn’t have to wake up to work at 4 am today.

7. i don’t have to until at least wednesday.

8. i came up with a great idea for my creative non-fiction writing class - which i’m hoping pans out.

9. my creative non-fiction writing prof has a new york times bestseller, is a well known journalist, and is also fine as shit (i would post a picture but i think that’s mildly creepy)

10. i’m blogging in class! lol

11. i can blog in class because i already know these things and for once since being in college i feel like i got the upper hand from my high school classes

12. my friends are leaving this weekend = room to myself + loud ass rock music + peace!

13. weekend starts in 17 minutes!

14. i finally realized that i did have a good summer and that i did make a lot of positive changes in my life.

15. i’m wearing my rainboots which means i can walk through puddles.

16. i had a nightmare that my bank account was -$340.59  and i woke up and checked it and and i have more money than i thought.

17. we watched a film in archaeology and i sat in the balcony which means i had a great nap.

18. i’m going to be tutoring a girl in SAT soon which means more money.

19. for once, i’m comfortable with the amount of money i have and i don’t feel like i’m going to go broke every weekend.

20. i had a great meeting last night with my community service fraternity and i realized that although they’re awkward and semi-weird, they’re also a really loveable bunch.

21. i’ll be 21 in 18 months and 19 days lol

22. running out of things to say but all in all it’s been an alright week and i think things are going to be okay. they’ll be okay.