Sunday bloody Sunday

Today I had work.

When I was working in the theatre I was told to do some warm up exercises with the actors. *SIGHHHHH*

Just another remind that I’m big. Seriously. Some of the things we had to do just felt a bit awkward, like use each others body weight etc. I was the biggest person there. It sucks when you walk in a room and you know you’re the biggest there, or at work.

I also had a pretty shitty morning, I woke up to weight myself  - oh I should’ve mentioned 2 days ago I weighed 115.3 - but TODAY I weighed 115.6kg - Even though I was eating the correct amount of calories, I guess I counted wrong.

Tonight is also take a way night - we have it once a week, always on a sunday and I’m having chinese. I still have a fair amount of calories left for the day (had toast with nutella for b fast - approx 380 calls, then yoghurt and home made granola for lunch - probably 500 and i get 1940 a day). My head feels a bit all over the place

I have uni assignments due this week, and I’ve got things on for all 3 of my jobs. 3 jobs! Jeez. I’m so busy, but lucky I still have time to write this annoying entry :)

I’m still really excited about new clothes. I know its about 2 years away but I can’t help it. I just hope I don’t loose  my enthusiasm. I know some people in the forums talk about getting clothes a little bit smaller, or even buying that killer outfit that you want to wear but I don’t think i’m ready for that - as much as I want to start stocking my wardrobe with awesome things.

ALSO I can’t comment on anyones blogs!!! SO ANNOYING! I will have to see why that is. I think it’s happening to everyone though.. hmm

Hmm I need a calendar. I’m thinking of putting one on the back of my door and when I weigh myself, I’ll make note of my weight. When I put on weight this morning I wanted to decrease my cal intake, to 1700 (roughly) so I would loose 1.5 pounds a week rather than 1. BUT I held myself back, it’s only been a few days doing this properly (again) so I will wait a full 2 weeks AT LEAST. If i loose 2 pounds over that time then I will keep eating the same amount of calories, If i don’t, I may have to eat less. It’s just when I eat less I get worried that I will be too hungry and BINGE. And it’s true, I’ve done it before, I have the healthiest day ever and then 8pm comes along and I’ll eat a block of chocolate. It’s ridic.

Anyway I’m off now.and I’m going to include my stats of the day at the bottom of each post  (some of my weight things may have changed from my first post that’s because I usually estimate things)

Starting Weight: 123kg

This mornings weight: 115.6kg

Lost = 7.4kg

What I would do..

Usually I would binge on saturdays, I’d always say ‘oh but it’s saturday, so I’ll just eat healthy again on Sunday.

I had so many excuses, I must be such a good liar, I lie to myself and I even believe it. I have a wardrobe with some clothes in it. At size 16 and at size 14, although right now I would say I’m still an 18-20. I wonder when I will drop down a size. I’m really excited to just get to a solid size 16, where I don’t have to go up a size in the shops, I’m a 16. Period. Clothes wise, I don’t want to spend too much money on them now, because I’m worried If i buy clothes that fit this weight, if I put on a little bit I will just think ‘oh who cares’ or I won’t even notice because I haven’t changed sizes at all.

Earlier this year I went through my whole wardrobe and separated all the clothes that didn’t fit. Basically half my wardrobe didn’t fit me. But in all honesty, when I was a solid size 18 I was still trying to fit into 16 and sometimes it works, but maybe like a dress becomes a top. Which in retrospect I actually hate and it probably looked very ermmm ugly.

I really want to get more into fashion. I already read vogue a lot and am constantly searching the web for clothes, I’d really like to be able to go op shopping and see if I can find anything in good shape, but again I’m worried that because I’m bigger there won’t be anything now. Just another thing to do when I’m skinny. I know it’s not good to have a list of things that you want to wait to do, when you’re at goal weight, for some people, maybe even me included it means that you forget to live in the moment and you hold yourself back. An older friend of mine, who is a quite short and a bit chubby told me that when she was younger she wish she had loved her self more. Sometimes I think about that. but.. there are still things I want to do at my goal weight that I feel like I can’t do now… here’s my ever growing list:

Go to the beach (it’s been ages and now I wouldn’t feel comfortable and don’t have a swimsuit anyway)

Go horseback riding (Need to be at goal weight for this, don’t want to break the horses back lol)

Massive shopping spree (I already have $2k for this!)

I want to join a soccer team (may not happen due to time constraints but oh well)

I want to travel overseas (Europe and America)

I want to see my ex again (I know, I know)

I want to go out clubbing (I’ve been a few times, but am too self conscious to go often)

I think those are the main things I want to do.. I may tell you more if I think of them. But the one that I’m kinda pumped for is the clothes. God it would be so nice to have brand new fancy clothes that fit me right that don’t make me look bulky, or frumpy! I am very frumpy now.

I’ve only been watching calories for a few days now, I feel like this is going to be a very long year, or two years.

55kg at probably .5kg a week.. 110 weeks.. over two years.. is that math right? It sounds quicker than I thought… but if I start now then.. I will be possibly finished by.. December 2015.

FUCK. That kinda does seem far away.. how do you stay motivated for such a long period of time.. I mean I know when I reach  my goal I’m going to have to maintain for the rest of my life, but I’m hoping if I’m happier and enjoy buying new clothes etc that I will be always thinking of my body. I mean.. If i end up being a size 12, I really want to be a size 10, more so for clothing options, but I’m fairly tall so it may not look right on me. Anyway.. If I end up being a size 12 I think i would be acutely aware if I became a size 14.. to me 14 has always been a ‘chubby’ size. You’re not fat but it’s the limit. If i was a size 12 then I would have to be a smaller 12, or a solid 12 not on the brink of 14. I know my ideas might be slightly skewed now but remember I’m 22 and I’ve never been skinny as an adult, so I’m hoping that WHEN (not if) Im skinny I will get over all this size bullshit and just be happier being healthy. Sometimes it feels really hard when designers are making clothes xxs.

Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt

…it’s also in my head.

I had a shitty day to day. I still ate the recommended amount of calories and didn’t go over and also didn’t use my calories to eat sweets, but I must admit it’s one of those days where I question everything..

This will be a short entry. I’m tired and my voice is hoarse. I hope everyone’s day is going better than mine…

and again..

Today has been good. Last night I may have Facebook stalked my ex, just a little bit. I found out he has a girlfriend (either that or they are really good friends).. which I wasn’t really upset by.. she had a great body and an average face.. kinda cute.. I guess. I’m not sure why I just don’t feel threatened by her. It’s a nice feeling to have this much confidence considering I haven’t seen him in years and I’m not exactly looking my best right now.

I got to catch up with one of my good friends as well. So she always leaves me in a really positive and hopeful mode. I love it. I also have stuck to my calories so far.. I think I have 800 or so left, and I only have to eat diner.. well it is 2pm so I will probably have dinner and a snack of some sort. Tonight is a night that I’m at uni, so usually dinner is something quick, like scrambled eggs when I get home at 10pm. I know you shouldn’t eat late etc but I’m throwing a lot of caution to the wind with my new diet strategy.

I’ll just eat my recommend calories, always over 1200 at least and do some exercise. I’ll worry about those small things when I’ve stopped loosing.

I have work this weekend on a sunday which I’m really not looking forward to. It’s hard to think that stupid jobs actually add up and make you look like a proper employee and well rounded etc. So annoying, but I’m trying to help my future self, I guess I would hate to think ‘What if I just stuck with that job…’

I’m really excited to loose weight. I really want to go shopping. I love fashion buttttt  because I’m bigger i’ve never really been able to indulge at least not the way I’ve wanted to.

I’m so excited to re invent myself through this whole process. I hope I come out with a healthy attitude towards life and food and am able to just HAVE FUN! and not be the big girl always worrying what people think of me. It’s a long road ahead, but today I’m feeling like I could accomplish anything!!!!

Just another day

Well today I’ve been thinking more about this weight loss journey and deffinately obsessing about the time line.. I’m not sure how much longer I will be studying for (deff for the next few months) after this next few months who knows, could be a year, could be two. I’m tired from study, but I do love it. I mean sometimes I hate it.. but today I don’t mind it :)

I hope I can complete my weight loss goal in that time. I started about a year ago at 123kg..very big - probably a size 18-20. Maybe even bigger depending on brand. I’m only down about 7-8kg in a year which sounds ridicous when some people lose 50kg in that time. If I lost that I’d be done by now. A bit depressing, but I’m trying to become more patient with myself. I use my fitness pal (on and off) but I’ve changed my goals a bit, instead of loosing 1 kg a week I’ve decided to try to loose half a kilo.

I’m hoping by making this small change it will be something I can adjust to, I would rather loose half a kilo every week for 6 months, then 2 kilos for a few weeks, then none at all, then gain, then loose. I think yo-yoing is just a freakin’ killer for me.

I have a good day. A freaking great day. Then the next day I binge like a maniac… what the hec.. then I have several bad days (not as bad as a big binge day, but deff not good) then I wallow in self pity for a bit, and eventually I have a good day again. I would rather have 7 average days, not good or bad than yo yo like that.

So my brand new plan (and I always have new plans, I’m obsessed with planning and organising, which is why I like a blog, it helps me organise my thoughts) anyway - new plan - stick to calorie allowance.. currently.. 1940 - plenty to indulge and probably also a lot less than I would have on a binge day. Now i just have to make sure that the calories I do eat are actually nutritional. Trust me I’m the type to eat cookies and be like BUT I CAN BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY 500 CALORIES AND I’M ALLOWED! Discipline is so important. I hate how I can be disciplined in other areas of my life and not this. I’m such a catch 22.

I spoke to my friend about weight loss today. She is a size 12 but also fairly short, she’s not fat, perhaps a bit chubby, but nothing I really ever consider to be honest. She wants to do exercise and get healthy as well. It’s good, and I know she will but the little jealous side of me is thinking “I don’t want you to get healthy and for me to be forgotten about’.

Do you think your self esteem improves when you loose weight? Or do you think it’s something completely separate? If i lost weight, when Im used to my body maybe a couple months down the track, will I wake up and feel fantastic or will I still feel fat on the inside?

I’m worried that when I loose weight the good things I have going for me will change. I actually love the way my face looks, yes it’s a bit chubby but I like it, it doesn’t look like I have sunken cheeks or anything. I will also miss my boobs. God I like them  now, like a c cup to d cup. I just don’t really want b’s. But then maybe B’s will look sexier in new bras. I hope my fingers get skinnier, I’ve never worn rings, but I’m desperate to. I wish I could.

I wonder if life gets better when you loose weight. I hope it does. I don’t want to bank on it, but I can’t help it.

Oh also today I made some granola, not sure how healthy is is but on yoghurt and with some fruit (in moderation of course) I think it’s okay..

I added

1 cup of oats

a little bit of oil

some honey

cut up almonds

some coconut from the packet

vanilla essence

a dash of cinnamon

and baked it! - Tasted really yummy!

I have assignments due next week so I’m going into a really stressful period. I hope I don’t forget about important things, such as weight loss.

Well take care!

Back in it..

Hey everyone and anyone who would read this…

So i’ve been absent from here and the online forums for a while, but I have still be trying to eat healthy.

I have some really good days and some really bad. If I have a bad day or a bad meal I try to make sure that it’s not the end of the world and I try to make my next meal a healthy one. It’s such a slow process and sometimes I find myself really frustrated.. like why couldn’t the ‘me’ who was eating bad yesterday just stop.

I’m still at university, but I really want to start loosing this weight and actually enjoy university life. I feel like I’m missing out. I also really want to be at goal weight when I enter the workforce. My work can be pretty physically demanding ( I work in theatre) so a lot of the time you have to set up different things etc and it looks ugly when my checks get all pink and puffy and I’m sweating compared to a 40 year old who isn’t even phased by the physical aspect of it.

I do want to loose weight for me, I probably should learn to want it more for myself rather than for other people but I will say there is another reason I want to loose weight. Cliche as it is, I want my exboyfriend back.

I never thought of myself as someone who needs a boyfriend, and believe me I haven’t had one for a while. Im content being on my own and it gives me time to work on things that I care about like my career and uni work but I just want him back. How desperate does that sound? I even think it’s a bit pathetic. He loved me when I was still bigger (I’ve never really been skinny except when I was about 7 and younger.. but I’ve always been a tall girl so I’ve always looked bigger even if I was only chubby) but It’s been many years since I last saw him, 5 to be exact and I’ve put on a lot of weight - probably 30-40kgs… so 65kg+.

I don’t know if I will ever be with him again, or if I will even see him again. But if I have that chance, even if I don’t “get the guy” then I would at least like to look smoking’ hot.  I know I shouldn’t be obsessed with the material aspect of loosing weight, like looking hot and I should care more about the health side of things, but I really don’t.

I just want to look sexy. I want to wear a nicely fitted black dress that goes a bit above the knees and red pumps. I want to be able to wear sexy underwear and know that I look fucking good.

I guess I’ll just see what the future holds and remind myself that eating healthy each meals leads to a healthy life and a better body and a better outlook.

BTW incase I haven’t mentioned - I’m 22. I didn’t want you to think I’m some 16 year old trying to be sexy lol.

Im out!

Take care of yourselves and your loved ones!

p.s Sorry for any spelling errors and grammar errors, I don’t worry about these when I blog.

PMSing & Chocolate

Well this is my first week (kinda) of trying to eat healthier and do some excercise.

I think I’ve binged twice since my last entry (which is about 1000-1500 cals each time) and I’ve also gone to the gym once, which is something and while I was there I was sweating and I felt like I was actually doing something! I’ve also taken my dog for 2 or 3 walks, various lengths of time but all fairly low intensity. Otherwise my eating has been fairly healthy, but I don’t feel like I have made massive changes, besides eating at least 3 meals a day instead of no breakfast, thai food for lunch, no meal (or takeaway) and then chocolate chocolate chocolate. I still have bad food like thai food for lunch, but I might have a mango and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for dinner.

I actually like being active and doing things but I think I also get bored very easily, which is when my thoughts turn to food. My uni assignments don’t require extensive amounts of time and nothing else in my life really does, I find sometimes obsessing about what I’m eating and my weight helps me because it forces me to actually think about it, but at the same time it can be a downfall.. because if I am thinking about it at night and I may have had a bad day then I will go out and buy chocolate. I’ve also been PMSing this week and I’m getting braces tomorrow!!! Not sure how it will effect my diet, I’m sure I’ll just be having some softer foods, at least for a day but I know when I was PMSing I ate chocolate, but then again, lame excuse because I would’ve eaten the chocolate even if I wasn’t PMSing.

I also went to the movies with a friend and before it started she wanted to get a hot chocolate and offered me one.. I said yes and we went to max brenner (which was my first time there). If you don’t know it but that is an amazing chocolate shop.. later I decide to look at how many calories it was ( I’m not really counting calories but do use it as a reference) .. well it was 661. 661!!!!!! I nearly died, but it was like drinking liquid chocolate so I guess I shouldn’t of expected any different. Despite having that in the morning, when I had lunch with my friend I settled on a brown bread, grilled chicken and salad sandwich without sauce while my friend ate Hungry Jacks (but later that night I ate chocolate.. sooo yeh, not as great as I thought)

I plan to continue going to the gym despite being a bit embarrassed (its unisex and the guy at the counter is really cute and so nice and I just imagine him seeing me wobble in and wonder what he must think!). I have been watching the scale and I am around the 118kg mark.. so it’s a bit under the 120 which is good, I’m going to set some small goals for myself to get to the 100 mark. I’m not sure how long it will take me, obviously like everyone else I want it ASAP but I know that won’t happen and I know it depends on me and what I put into my body.

Well this week I’m going to set some small goals ( I will post them up soon), try to stop my insane chocolate cravings. I also took some before pictures, but right now looking at them really depresses me, so I’ll wait to have some nice ‘after’ shots to show the difference.

First Post

Hey all,

Call me emmy. Currently I’m 21, attending university and surprise surprise I’m about 265lbs or 120kg. My goal weight is 132lbs or 60kg. I am 169cm tall.

I’ve been fat ever since I can remember, ever since I can remember.. I think when I was 5 I might have been skinny but that’s a very long time ago now. I hated high school (how cliche) and was very anxious & depressed.

That seems a long time ago now but every now and then I get these horrible reminders of my past. Where I live (Australia) you tend to live at home until after university, so I still live in the same town that I went to high school in. Every now and then when I think I see a girl from my old highschool I start to panic and my anxiety levels go crazy. What’s worse than this is I think about how much weight I’ve put on since highschool, how I always thought I’d prove those people wrong (and maybe I have in some ways, but I’ll get to that) but in reality I’m still really fucking fat. I’m morbidly obese.

I’m actually generally happy these days, and I know what I want in life and in my career and I know the necessary steps I need to take to get there, but there is just one last part of my life that I have been waiting for it to click in place, and that is my weight. I never thought I would be this big. I never thought I would be on the verge of getting diabetes and a range of different medical conditions. I never thought I would be the girl who stays at home every friday and saturday night. I never thought I would be the girl that shop cashiers remember as ‘the chocolate girl’. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I would have such low self esteem and I never ever thought I would let anything like bad life decisions run my life. My weight has now even gotten to the point where it is affecting my ability to get a job, in my industry as sad as it is to say but looks count for a lot! (Entertainment industry) And by being overweight, I’m really jeopardising my chances at a lot of amazing opportunities.

It’s the 20th of November 2012 today. And by the end of the month my goal is to loose 2.5kgs or 5.5 lbs. I already have a gym membership (although I am embarrassed to go there).

Well every week I hope to post a new blog, but I’m aiming for an average of 1kg a week, and various other aims.

My biggest goal is that when I loose all the weight I want to go on a trip. I want to leave this place that I’ve grown to hate and I want to find peace.