Me one - Chocolate none

I stayed up lastnight, longer than usual. Couldn’t miss The Bachelor. I wasn’t excited about the outcome. I’m a Lindsay fan. On the other hand, I love Des and cannot wait for the new ones to start!!! By the time the show ended, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I got a whole 4 hours sleep and woke up with a swollen eye. So now I look like a Zombie. And with lack of sleep comes crankiness. I’m just a tad bit cranky. I am at work and fairly busy but I CANNOT stop thinking about food. I am really testing myself. It’s a small office and there are chocolates on the table in the middle of the room. I have not touched one. Not yesterday, not today but it’s killing me. And I know one won’t hurt me, but if I start, there’s no telling if I’ll stop.

Breathe…..I did good today. I am determined to behave! I almost feel better now that I got that out!

What Support!

I have to say, www3fatchicks.com and this blog have been so inspirational for me. I have found people that are going through the same struggles as I am. I knew there were other people out there, just never realized how many. I feel as if when I am feeling down or unmotivated, I can read the posts in the forum and once again feel back on track.

Although helpful, I don’t need to seek out a company that gets paid to help people lose weight. I have a whole community, or family, of people right here who are in my position or have been in my position that can help me.

All of those, who has responded to my blog. Thank you! You give me motivation to do what I must do. For my health, for my kids.

One of those days

I can see where this day is going. Woke up tired, with a headache. Feels like I haven’t even gone to sleep. Argued first thing with the boyfriend. Over what, I don’t know. He just likes to throw my insecurities in my face. Probably because he has so many himself that he is in denial of. I am still going to try my hardest to not indulge on the chocolates that are at work. Today will prove my strength.

Day 1

So today was my official start date. The most excerise I get on any given day is walking to the fax machine at work, which is like 20 ft away. Today, my son and I walked down the street to the park, around the park and back. It was great and I pushed myself. When we got the the park, at the 1st speed bump in the road, we jogged to the next speed bump. From that speed bump, we walked to the next. And so on and so forth. It felt amazing and I didn’t give up. My goal is to jog around the whole park. I know I can do it. Right now, I am determined!

Spilling my beans

I’m spilling my beans so if I ramble on, I’m sorry.

So I am 34 yrs old. I can’t remember ever being thin. I come from Italian family and my mom can cook. Any who walked into our home was almost force fed. You can’t turn my mother down. The smallest pant size I can remember ever wearing was a 13. Now I am a 22. And completely not portioned correctly. I have fairly thin legs, no butt and a huge belly (which I call a belly butt because it is bigger than my butt). I haven’t weighed myself in forever. The last time I did, I think I was about 230. And I have definitely gained a few since then. And I short, only 5′2.

I have always thought about losing weight but have never taken a serious approach. I don’t know how to and I don’t have the money. My income, which is not much, supports 4 kids and 2 adults. Groceries are expensive as it is. And no matter how many coupons I clip, still doesn’t put a dent in the bill. With that said, joining a gym or something like Weight Watchers is out of the question.

I find myself hiding behind a depressed soul. I can throw on a smile and try to make people laugh but inside I hate myself. I am ashamed at myself for what I have become. I WANT TO FOR ONCE FEEL PRETTY. I want my boyfriend to think I am hot. I want my kids to want to be seen with me. I want to make my family proud.

I am for sure an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, sad, depressed, bored or whatever. Sometimes I feel like I want to keep eating until I explode.

In my heart, I know something needs to change. I lost my brother to diabetes and I am affraid I am next. I have avoided a doctor for years in fear of what they may say. And lately, I am tired and out of breath easily. I get cramps in my hip, which probably has to do with my weight. I’m scared.

I need a support group to encourage me. Honestly I don’t get too much support at home. That is another story in its own. One I will eventually share. What am I to do?

Hello world!

I am new to blogging, new to serious dieting but I think I am ready. I have to be. It’s my health, my life, my children’s lives. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. Oh mio dio! (which is oh my god in Italian)