Really. Anybody see “What the Bleep..?”???? Really GOOD movie that raises a lot of questions (and even answers some) about quantum physics and the nature of reality. How “real” is reality? Hmmmmm. How much of what we see, feel, believe, is based on perception, and can we always rely 100% on our perceptions? How much of what we believe to be inalienable truth is simply what we were RAISED to believe, and if we were raised in a different culture, under different conditions and circumstances, wouldn’t those inalienable truths differ as well? The only logical answer is “yes”, which brings us back to the central question of how real, exactly, is reality as we know it? I talked a little bit before about CHOICE and the role it plays in who we are, what we think, and even how we look. Well, our beliefs about anything, then, are also about choice.

Essentially, we choose what to believe even when we think that certain things are simply “true for everybody”, and have nothing to do with personal choices at all.

And, you might ask, “…my point is…???” Well, I guess my point is that for a long time I’ve realized that the things we accept as true may not neccessarily BE true. I’ve realized it, but haven’t spent too much time thinking about it, or haven’t thought about it to the point where I’ve had any major “AHAH!” moments.

Now, I’m beginning to work up to some “ahahs” I think.

Case in point: My mother was always battling her weight. Conversely, she had a sister who was rail-thin. MY sister was always small and slender, and when I was in my early teens and ranting about being “pudgy”, my mother told me that my sister was “just like Aunt Doris” and that I was like her. (My mother). She said my sister would always be able to eat anything she wanted without gaining an ounce, but that I would struggle with my weight all my life just like she had. AND, I have struggled all my life, and I have felt FAT all my life, no matter what I have weighed. Now, I won’t get into my relationship with my mother (not good) here and now, because it would take days and days and a kazillion words, but suffice it to say that in my journey towards self-knowledge, it recently occurred to me to look back over the photo albums that evolved out of my teen years, and later during my married years…raising my kids, etc. And you want to know something funny? Not only was I NOT fat in most of those pictures, but in a great many of them, I was awfully danged skinny! And yet I always FELT fat, always believed that I WAS fat! Now isn’t THAT a revelation? And, of course, I was married then to a man who wanted me to feel inferior and insecure, so he fed those beliefs by saying things like, “Hmmm. Looks like somebody’s gaining weight again…” and I thought, “Oh, lordy…no matter how badly he treats me, who else would have me, horrible as I am????” Well, pish tush to that! Thankfully, I stopped believing that, but you know what? WHILE I believed it, for ME, it was the truth! And, because I have always accepted that I have a weight problem, I have had the tendency to think that I have an uncontrollable appetite; that I can’t be satisfied with small amounts of food; and that for me, losing weight has to mean totally eliminating certain “trigger” foods from my diet. NONE of this has to be true if I choose NOT to believe it. Suppose I start talking to myself in a more positive vein? Ie., “One cookie can satisfy me completely.” Will that then become true for me?? Suppose I start saying to myself, “Exercise is SUCH fun! I really, really enjoy it!” Will I then look forward to exercise with the same enthusiasm that I’ve typically looked forward to curling up in my favorite chair with a book?

Well, we’ll see, won’t we?

And, meanwhile, I AM also working on recovering from my hurt feelings and frustration over my kids and their dear father. Each day I seem to feel a tad less PO’d, and I guess that’s a good thing. I’m not quite ready to CHOOSE to see my ex as a good guy. Something tells me that that’s ONE belief (that he’s a complete no-goodnik) that might be very difficult to shake loose of.

DS made it back to lovely L.A. safely. Talked to him briefly last night.

Over and out,

E!