Starting weight (7/15/08):  279.8
Yesterday:  268.2   Today:  268.8  
Change today:  +0.6   Loss-so-far: 11.0 lbs.

I am extremely acrophobic.  I can’t even stand on a stepladder.  Or a footstool.  Or even on skates.  My husband is both amazed and amused by this because, with the exception of bugs and snakes, I’m generally not afraid.  I face life head-on, I step up and do whatever it takes, I even speak in front of crowds without breaking a sweat.  But O.M.G., I am so afraid of falling.

It occurred to me today that regarding this life-make-over that I’ve initiated, that I have a similar fear of falling.  And I have so far to fall.  The numbers that I’ve been dealing with on a day-to-day basis as I weigh in - they are so freakin’ high!  I never imagined that I would weigh this much.  Never imagined that so many pounds could just sneak onto my body while I wasn’t looking.  It was one thing to be “a little above 200″ (at my height it was still a LOT overweight) but quite another to be pushing 300.  THREE HUNDRED. 

The thing is, I have to succeed.  I have to find whatever it takes to get this weight to come OFF.  I HAVE TO.  Living with Graves Disease, if I don’t succeed - and if I go back to the way I was living last year - I will die.  My weight will soar unchecked until I can no longer move, breathe, live.

I look down at all those pounds I need to lose and sometimes it seems insurmountable.  One hundred and twenty pounds.  So many!  Low-calorie didn’t do it for me.  My metabolism is so screwed up that even at 1300-1500 calories a day, I wasn’t losing.  Low-carb was going to be my answer!  YES!  It worked for me before, it will work for me again!  But now as I face the third day in a row that I’ve not seen downward progress, I worry.  Yes, I worry, that’s all.  What if…  what if carb-counting doesn’t work for me?  What if nothing short of starvation will work for me?  I just worry.  Like being up on a ladder, I feel unsteady and nervous, my stomach in knots, my heart in my throat.

I just need to … not look down.

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