Here we go again.

I feel like such a failure.

Instead of keeping at it and losing weight, I keep yo-yo-ing, gaining with each naughty swing towards indulgence.  Now here I am, at the heaviest I’ve ever been, and trying to muster up the motivation to do this AGAIN.  I know I can, I’ve done it before.  And I know that I will feel better when I’ve started losing again, I will feel less of a failure.  Less of a freak.

Yeah, I see how people look at me.  Oh my Gawd, they say inside their heads, look how fat that woman is.  She is freaking huge.  Some whisper that to their companion who turns to look at me – and of course I see this exchange.  Yep, take a good look, here’s the big fat monster stomping past.  Oh, don’t worry, it’s not catchy.

Back in 2009 or ’10 or whenever it was, I was sticking to low-carb because I wanted it to work for Kevin.  What I couldn’t do for me, I could do for him.  Now it’s Eric who needs my support.  He has managed to pack on 100 lbs since coming home from the Marines and now his doctor advised him to go on low-carb.  He is trying it, actually giving it a chance, for the first time.  He even ordered ketone test strips (and got them today and he and Louise both tested positive already).  So I placed an order with Netrition and I will share my LC goodies with them.  And I managed to stick to LC all day today.  In fact, I didn’t each much today, just enough to not feel hungry.  I’m going to try to do that every day and see if I can listen to my body instead of counting counting counting.

So here I go again.

Starting weight:  360
Current weight:  360

Loss so far:  0 lbs
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Center of Gravity

I’m still at it.

I haven’t really done well with the exercising thing, though almost every day I find a way to at least get up and move.  My job is very sedentary (sitting at a computer screen all day) so I could literally just sit on my ass for 18 hours straight in a day and not even realize it.  And have done that, um, lots of times.  So at least making an effort to do a little walking (like going shopping) seems to be a plus.  One thing I know is that as I lose weight, I will feel more like moving.  Right now I’m still fighting my own center of gravity.

I’ve never heard anyone else mention this in their comments about being overweight.  After I hit a certain threshold, my belly gets large enough to throw my whole body off-balance.  My center of gravity shifts to a place where it hurts my back to be upright.  It hurts to walk, it hurts to stand.  It just hurts.  So when I go to grocery stores or places like Walmart or Target, the first thing I do is to get a shopping cart.  As soon as I can lean on something, that takes that pressure off my lower back and then I can walk and move without being in so much discomfort.  It also takes some of the pressure off of my knees and ankles (another thing no one talks about – our lower joints aren’t built for this kind of weight).

So even after a 17-lb loss (yay!), I’m already starting to feel the difference in my center of gravity.  I have to go in to the office once a week to pick up more work and there’s no shopping carts there, so I feel every step of the walk from the parking lot, down the sidewalk, and into the office building.  There have been days recently when I actually had to stop for a moment and catch my breath because of the effort of swinging my body along that far, plus the pressure on my back, plus the heat.  This week, I felt the difference.  I walked from the parking lot into the office, feeling very little pain in my back and just the tiniest bit more comfortable in my gait.  I know from being there at the next level of weight, that only about 20 more pounds and I will start feeling like walking isn’t the 7th gate of hell and I can start moving again.

Of course the first 20 lbs is much easier to lose than the second 20 lbs, but I’m in this for the long haul.

P.S. Walkabout – it looks like you and I are the only ones here.  Just wanted you to know I’ve been watching your posts.  You apparently disabled comments so I couldn’t say hi there, so I thought I’d do it here:  Hi.

Starting weight:  350
Current weight:  333

Loss so far:  17 lbs

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Another year slips by…

In 2008-09, I lost 60 lbs.  I started doing things I hadn’t done since I was a teenager.  I rode my bike.  I played tennis.  I fucking moved.  And I felt better than I had since… since I was a teenager.

Now here I am again, heavier still than I was a year ago.  When will this stop?  When I’m dead?

Over the past few weeks, because of stress and other things (death in the family & related travel), I lost about 10 lbs.  This past Saturday I went back on low-carb and since then I’ve dropped another 4 lbs.  It’s probably water, I know that, but it doesn’t matter. I’m back on the program.  I know how to do this.  I know I can do this.  If I can lose 60 lbs, then I can lose 160.  I can.

One thing about carrying an extra 150+ pounds around, is that the slightest exertion burns fuel like crazy.  I made a list of daily exercises, but I made that list a month ago and I haven’t done them, not even once.  I need to be accountable, but to whom?  To myself, I guess.  So I’ll treat this blog as my own personal accountability police.  I know from experience that if I don’t move, I won’t lose a thing.  Low-carb needs to burn fuel, that’s how it works, and if the body doesn’t move, nothing gets burned away.  So today is Day One.  Today I will move.

I’ll wait for my hubby to go to work though.  😀

Starting weight:  350
Current weight:  336

Loss so far:  14 lbs


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It’s a new day.

I’m back.

It’s kind of amazing to me, that this blog has been here, collecting dust for years.  Years! In the meantime, I’ve managed to gain even more weight – and now it’s time to take it back off.  I have recommitted myself to the low-carb lifestyle and have started down that familiar road — yet again.

This time, though, I need to do this to save my own life.

I went to the hospital recently, with an infection on my leg.  Cellulitis, an infection of the skin.  Thank goodness the infection never got into my blood stream, but it was a long, drawn-out recovery and I’m still not over it.  It all started with a small wound on my shin, a wound that had almost healed but then this infection raged and took its toll.  I couldn’t walk, couldn’t wear shoes for over 6 weeks.  In the course of treatment, I had lots and lots of tests done and I found out this:  For being so overweight, I am very healthy.  All my labs came back perfect – except one.  Glucose.  Doctor says I am “borderline diabetic.”  Well there’s a big surprise.

Doc says, “At this point, you can bring this under control by your food choices. Cut down on sugars, cut down on carbs.”  I just laughed.  Did he just say “carbs”..?!  Yeah, I’m very familiar with cutting back on carbs.  It is the only weight loss plan that has ever worked for me – and I’ve been avoiding it.  Been doing the opposite, bingeing on carbs.  Because I could.

I know exactly how to gain weight.  In fact, I’m quite good at it.

I also know exactly how to lose it.  I know what needs to be done.  Basically just two things.  Regardless of your weight loss plan preference, there are two things that cause weight loss:  1) a change in eating and 2) movement.

It’s that simple.  And yet, so elusive.  But I’m on it.

It is most definitely a new day.

10/10/12 Wednesday

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Eileen – October 10, 2012 – Wednesday
Exercise Today: … none
Starting Weight 10/08/12: 328.0     Last Weigh-In: 324.4   Today: 324.4
Change Yesterday: – 3.6 lbs     Total Progress: – 3.6 lbs
————————————————————————————————

YAY!!  For the first time in ten months, my scale is headed in the right direction!!

It’s very cool for me to think, “I did that.”  Now I know that much of the sudden weight loss is the water-dump that happens after the sudden withdrawal from carbs, but that’s okay.  I still did that.

I am at work, eating a lovely snack at my desk.  It’s a small salad with sliced ham, full-fat Ranch dressing, sliced almonds, and a couple slices of monterey-cheddar on the side.  I ate lunch at about one and plan to eat dinner at about seven, but right now, at about four-fifteen, this is a perfect-sized snack to take my mind off the munchie-cravings.

Earlier this afternoon, one of my co-workers walked past and I said, “Hey, wait a minute, I have some stuff for you,” and proceeded to pull out from my desk compartments:  a bag of Wavy Lays, a box of Ginger Snaps and a bag with some little boxes of Milk Duds that my husband gave me six months ago.  “I don’t want these tempting me, so take ’em.”  She is one of these women who can eat anything, never exercise, and never gain an ounce.  I would hate her if she weren’t so nice.  Anyway, she took the stuff off my hands.

Two and a half days so far with no cheating.  Small, small steps.

10/8/12 Monday

————————————————————————————————
Eileen – October 8, 2012 – Monday
Exercise Today: … none
Starting Weight 10/08/12: xxx.0     Last Weigh-In: xxx.0   Today: xxx.0
Change Yesterday: n/a   Total Progress: n/a
————————————————————————————————

Ten months.

In ten months, I have managed to gain almost 30 more pounds. From my lowest weight a couple years ago, I have gained almost exactly 100 pounds. To say that I’m disappointed in myself is an understatement.

However, I’m not going to obsess about that. In fact, I’m going to leave that behind me *right now.* I can’t change the past, but I do have total control over the future. And I am taking control BACK. NOW.

As of this morning, I am back on the low-carb WOE. It’s the only plan that has ever worked for me, and don’t anybody say “Does it really work because you gained it all back?” My gaining back had nothing to do with the plan I *wasn’t* on. I would gain it all back plus more no matter what plan I’d been on previous to ditching the plan. When a person eats whatever the hell they want to eat and they don’t expend energy to burn fat, well, they get fatter. Period.

I am not exercising yet because I am in the induction phase and am in agony. I have surrounded myself with low-carb foods but am detoxing from white flour and sugar and am having major craves. I know in a week or so I will start feeling amazing and strong – when that happens, I will start exercising because I know this plan doesn’t work without some effort. And I ain’t going through this agony-crap-phase if it isn’t going to result in some weight loss!!

I know I’ve been gone so long from here that probably no one remembers me, but that’s okay. I need this place. I need this forum. It worked for me before when I lost SIXTY POUNDS, it will work for me again, when I lose the original sixty, the extra forty – AND the hundred beyond that!!!

Yikes!

I’ll just concentrate on getting through the induction phase first!!

Tuesday 12/20

————————————————————————————————
Eileen – December 20, 2011 – Tuesday
Exercise Today: … 3 hours shopping-walking
Starting Weight 12/13/11: 299.8     Last Weigh-In: 298.2   Today: 299.8
Change Yesterday: + 1.6   Total Progress: – 0.0
————————————————————————————————

I know I haven’t been counting, but I also haven’t been binging, either.  Yes, I have had some chocolate and a couple Christmas cookies, but I’ve been keeping my meals small and reasonable, only eating until I’m satisfied and never venturing into “full.”  I was actually excited, getting on the scale this morning, because I was absolutely sure I was going to see a drop in weight… and instead I saw the 1.6 lbs I’d lost come right back!!  It’s okay, though, I’m still way swollen and sore from my geocaching adventure (I’m totally not used to climbing anything more strenuous than a staircase!!).

Hubby and I went shopping today, we had a couple errands to run as well, so we were pretty much on-the-go all day long.  I am officially on vacation from work now, even though I’m not on my way to Wisconsin as originally planned, so we are preparing for a slightly different trip now.  We finally decided where we are going (it’s still here in Florida but about 3 hours away) and we’re psyched about it.  We’re leaving Christmas Eve night right after the celebration at my brother’s house and then we’ll be back home on the 29th.  We’re taking only our daughter with us, and so that will be very different, we haven’t spent much time with just her and so I’m hoping it will be special and memorable.  A couple years ago I would not have said it would be “special,” I probably would have said it would be unpleasant at best, but she’s grown up a lot since then.  Now we’re all looking forward to it, and that’s a nice change.  Amazing, the difference between age 18 and age 21.

Tonight I have to stay awake pretty much all night.  My son’s flight leaves at 5:15 am and I am taking him to the airport, which is about forty-five minutes away, so we’ll be leaving at about 3:00 am.  That will have him there about a hour-and-a-half before his flight leaves, and that should be plenty of time at that time of day.  It’s so exciting, his first time flying!!  I’m going to get him and his luggage checked in, and then he’s on his own, since I can’t go past the security checkpoint without a ticket.  Remember the good old days when you could go right to the gate?

So I’ll probably get back home about the same time he takes off – and then I’ll sleep from 5am to 10am.  We have a full day of stuff planned tomorrow (stuff meaning work) so I can’t sleep the day away, though I’ll probably want to, after staying up all night!!

962

Sunday, 12/18

————————————————————————————————
Eileen – December 18, 2011 – Sunday
Exercise Today: … 60 minutes hiking
Starting Weight 12/13/11: 299.8     Last Weigh-In: 298.8   Today: 298.2
Change Yesterday: – 0.6   Total Progress: – 1.6
————————————————————————————————

Hubby and I went geocaching again today.  Altogether we only found seven of ’em, but they were all pretty far apart so there was driving time in-between.  This is the first time we’ve ever really planned out our caching route ahead of time, with a list that we wanted to find, but it was fun.  Most of the ones on our list were easy to get to and not a whole lot of hiking involved… except one.  I ruined a pair of shoes but I got a heckuva workout, that’s for sure!

We’d been to this park before for another geocache, but this particular cache was hidden deeper into the forest, off the trail and in an area that’s a bit swampy.  We took off into the woods, ready for adventure and soon found ourselves slowed down by the vines – some of them wicked thorny – that blocked our way. Hubby cut them when he could and we made our way around stumps and fallen trees and even an old mattress and box-springs … and then came to the mud.

We tried to walk around it and stay on high ground but we finally came to an area about 15 feet across that we couldn’t avoid if we wanted to get this cache.  We did pretty well, stepping on the vegetation when we could, and we made it across … almost.  Well, one of us made it!  LOL, I went to take the last two steps and my shoe *sunk* down into the mud!  I yelped and lunged for the high ground, thought I was gonna lose my shoe altogether!

The cache container was hanging in a tree (good thing Hubby was there because I would not have been able to reach it without a ladder)(I hate that), so we signed the log and started heading back.  When we got to the muddy part, Hubby found some branches and bark pieces and laid them down in that area of the mud where I slipped. How sweet is that?!?

Altogether it took almost an hour to bushwhack our way through the woods and then make our way back again.  I was quite winded by the time we got back to the truck.  It was a great workout on a beautiful day!

911

Saturday, 12/17

————————————————————————————————
Eileen – December 17, 2011 – Saturday
Exercise Today: … 15 minutes walking
Starting Weight 12/13/11: 299.8     Last Weigh-In: 299.2   Today: 298.8
Change Yesterday: – 0.4   Total Progress: – 1.0
————————————————————————————————

Hubby and I slept in late today — ahhhhh that was niiiiiice — and then we went out to lunch and went geocaching until dark.  We still love this hobby!!  We have our own caches out there now, 28 of ’em, and we have so much fun with the whole thing.  I love how it gets us out of the house and going to places that we would normally never go, and to see things, sometimes beautiful sights, which we would never have seen!

Hey, look what we got last month!

our trailer! our trailer

It’s small – only 16 feet long – which is exactly what we wanted!  It’s mostly just going to be hubby and me going places in it, so we didn’t want to be pulling something big and heavy that would suck a ton of gas!  Anyway, we’re thinking about going on a little trip next week, since we can’t go to Wisconsin as we’d planned, maybe we can at least take a few days and go somewhere here in Florida.  That’ll be fun!

I’m still working on my C25Kx  website!  I ran into a little problem with it tonight and the web-server people are switching me to a different server, so in the meantime I can’t make any changes to the site until that is done.  *Sigh*  I’m having fun with that, too!  Oh well, in the meantime since I can’t tinker with that, I added a little clickable ad to my blogsite here.  😀

874

Friday, 12/16

————————————————————————————————
Eileen – December 16, 2011 – Friday
Exercise Today: … umm, none again
Starting Weight 12/13/11: 299.8     Last Weigh-In: 299.2   Today: 299.2
Change Yesterday: + 0.0   Total Progress: – 0.6
————————————————————————————————

I worked all evening on my new website (www.c25kx.com).

OMG I am obsessed!!  It was fun though.  I didn’t get a chance to re-record the one-and-only podcast yet, plus I’m itching to do the rest of them!!  But I’m probably going to wait on developing the rest of the program until I can be my own guinea pig.  I need to test it out on a “real” fat person to see if progress at this rate is significant or if I need to step it up, and if so, can I do it??  We’ll see!!

My hubby and I were planning a trip but we found out last night that we’re not going to be able to go.  We were taking our 19-year-old son Kevin with us and we knew he would be absolutely devastated that we weren’t going, because he was going to have a chance to meet his best friend in person.  He and his best friend spend ALL their free time together – only it’s all over the internet.  They play online games together and develop YouTube videos together and even record music together, yet they’ve never actually met in person.  This friend lives in Wisconsin, and we were going to take him on our two-week vacation, from Florida to Wisconsin and back.  He was going to spend part of the time at Dante’s house (he lives with his grandmother) and part of the time with us, visiting relatives.

So hubby and I discussed it, and did some research, and tonight I sat Kevin down and gave him the news, but I also gave him a choice.  If he wanted, he could stay home and have Christmas with us and we’d spend the usual amount on him, split up into 10 or 12 gifts.  OR.  We could take that money and buy him a plane ticket to Wisconsin.

Tonight I booked him a flight.  He’s never flown on a plane before.  Has never gone anywhere more than 50 miles away by himself before.  He’s flying into Chicago and then taking the el to the Greyhound station in Chicago, then riding the bus to his friend’s town in Wisconsin, then doing it all backwards on the way back 10 days later.  What an adventure!!

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