Eating, the topic of endless interest…Part III

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We are passing through the world.
This is some of what is does to us.
                    — From: Fleshly Answers by Rachel Hadas

The third, and last part of the series I want to write, heh heh, has to do with habit.  Eating habits.  Part of the whole tangled up ball of yarn that involves emotional eating, binge eating, compulsive behavior is simple ole habit.  You know, that knee jerk, how I’ve always done it, what feels natural, groove kind of behavior.  Habit can be like a glue.  It’s the evening, bf and I are sitting watching tv, lots of Burger King and McD commercials flash in front of our eyes.  Hey, he says, I’m hungry!  Ah oh.  My “friend” habit from the past couple of years (I put the quotes in because sometimes habit has been my sincere friend), whispers in my ear, Yeah, I’m a little hungry.  Cheese and crackers would taste great right now.  And I haven’t had that in a while, doing it in the past hasn’t hurt that much…

Um, yeah, it has hurt in the past, because I stayed in the 250s for about 3 years because of that kind of behavior.  Not horrible, not binging, but bad habit.   Breaking the bad habit groove for me, and I’m still working on it, involves several elements. 

1) acknowledging in the moment that the behavior choice IS NOT HELPING THE CURRENT GOAL.

2) I have to be an adult and make the responsible, adult choice, and not give into the momentary desire (because it’s not fulfilling a true hunger, it’s a food desire, an urge)

3) acknowledging to myself that I can make the leap of faith in myself, that I can do it, and reach my goals, I’ve already made enormous progress.  I can overcome my fears and anxieties around the whole weight loss process.

Getting out of the 240s into the 250s represented a move out of my BIG STUCK PERIOD (major happy dance).  Now, moving from the 240s into the 230s has opened up new territory, which is potentially loaded for me.  After I’m below 240 I’ll be in the weight range I was in college.  In a way, it feels like I’m redefining myself.  Every ten pounds has felt that way, actually.  Thinking of myself being in the college weight range makes me feel joyful, and hopeful.  So why do I have this anxiety and fear around it?  You’d think I’d be thrilled with the thought of getting my weight down to that point.  My current reasoning around it is that I still put this burden of “action” or “expectation” around the pounds coming off, which sabotages me.  And it leads me to emotionally cling to BAD/UNHELPFUL HABITS. 

My plan for dealing with this, and I do have one, is to zone out.  Zone out, you say?  isn’t that UNMINDFUL and won’t that lead to falling into bad habits and away from success?   Au contraire.  By unmindful I mean I’m going to have simple goals (stay away from the crackers and cheese, keep the eating out at a minimum, stay away from the chocolate, the wine coolers), and not OVERTHINK the weight loss and what it means for me to have a smaller body, i.e., what I THINK I’ll have to do once I lose the weight.

One last thing before I go today.  I’ve been heavy since I was in elementary school.  As an adult, I don’t even remember being below 200 pounds (that would put me in an “overweight” category, instead of obese, at my height).  So, even though it’s a good distance away, weight loss wise, the thought of being below 200 lbs feels like entering another universe.  In a way, that fact may be making it harder for me to envision success:  I’m not going back to something I knew, I’m achieving a brand new goal for myself.  Interesting to see how this will develop….(!)

Eating, the topic of endless interest….Part II

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Let me start by saying I think binge eating truly sucks.  That felt good.  Let me follow up by saying every one most likely has a different definition of what a binge is, so here’s mine:  I consider it binging when I emotionally must eat a certain food or foods, and I don’t feel I can stop until the amount of those foods I have on hand completely is finished, i.e., the donut box is empty, the pizza gone, the Dorito bag a flapping piece of plastic coated with orange dust.  If you were to ask me what causes this, even after having gone through therapy for it, I couldn’t tell you.  I guess I could yap on about it filling voids, etc., family dynamics that scarred me, being overly sensitive, having bad coping mechanisms.  I would imagine the reasons one suffers from binge behavior must be unique to each person.  I’m not a psychologist. 

I did work with a therapist who specialized in eating disorders (I consider myself a “healed” compulsive overeater).  And I did group therapy for a short while (which helped me get over shame and guilt feelings).  What I do remember making an impact on the binge behavior was an approach in a book Overcoming Overeating http://www.overcomingovereating.com/  The idea behind it is to get your mind to believe that you have the real choice to eat whatever amount of any food that you want, that you do have the power to stop eating at any point (and there are no bad foods).   In my mind, I had this thought that I would be coming to the end of the food, the bottom of the box, the last one in the bag, that created a kind of panic where I felt compelled to finish it.  To eliminate that binge inducing thought, I would have to have as many boxes or bags of whatever food ON HAND, so in essence I would have an unlimited supply.  Once the box got towards the end, I’d buy another one.  I did this experiment with old fashioned donuts.

For anyone who feels out of control of her eating, you’ll get that this is a scary process.  It scared me, and it helped me get past my binging.  I do not binge eat anymore.  Was it a fast thing?  No, it took me decades of my life.  Did it have to take that long?  No, but I kept going back on diets, which sent me back into a binge mindframe.  For me, for most of my life, there’s existed a fine line of dieting/binge behavior; I had a desire to lose weight for my quality of life, my health, my looks.  At the same time, I needed to find a way that wouldn’t drive me nuts emotionally.  Diets promote binge behavior in me.  How do I eat to lose weight (diet), and not fall into binge behavior. 

It turned out to be a slow process.  No more dieting (like official WW, JC, whatever), BUT I do believe in eating healthily and watching how much I eat.  I don’t eat anything I don’t like.  Exercise has been a lifesaver in the process, not only does it help me emotionally, makes me feel healthier, makes me healthier, it helps me to feel good about EATING healthier and eating in a good calorie range.  My eating and exercise habits have evolved and continue to evolve.   

And it’s meant I’ve had to work on dealing with my emotional issues in ways other than with food.  And it meant that I had to face many of my emotional issues.  That took time and effort too.  Sometimes a good stew takes time. 

Eating, the topic of endless interest… Part I

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So, this and last week had their ups and down eating wise.  We celebrated bf’s birthday on Saturday, and I bought a small chocolate cake from Union Market, maybe 6″ diameter, that we split.  I indulged in a few other small things, cheese and crackers one night.  We had two hotdogs for lunch on Saturday, from a vendor, since we were in the park.  The weekend before that, I had a couple of meals out at restaurants.  Oh, and holy cow, we’ve been splitting wine coolers at dinner instead of drinking ice tea… (Today I ate right on track, yeah me.)

Yikes, I let the calories creep up on me again.  Plus, I hurt my foot (see below), so I skipped a gym day to give it a chance to get better.  It’s actually a good thing I did that, since I know I would have aggravated it more had I gone, and today I almost can’t even feel it.  The end result is that I’m maintaining instead of losing.  I have a challenge coming up, eating wise, in a couple of weeks too:  a vacation trip to Pennsylvania where I’ll be staying with people who really can cook (funny part of that is, none of them are overweight!)

At least now, I have the wherewithall and mindset to get back on track, even after these overindulgencies.  I spend time at 3FC, and I know that’s helping.  Really, my eating has been good for the most part, it’s the little extras and not big splurges where I’m faltering.  I admire the women here who can diligently stick to their plan through all challenges.  If I could switch myself into that person I would do it. 

Ok, Margie, no flogging allowed.  You’ve been getting better and better.

Here’s the quintessential American eating experience, Thanksgiving dinner, ha.  That’s me, the little blond girl with the yellow plastic cup.  Look!  mom wasn’t fat, dad wasn’t fat, sis was a little chubby (so was bro — guess who’s taking the picture).  I remember it being something of a free for all at dinner, grab what you can before somebody else eats it all.  Eating came to mean eat until you’re stuffed, especially at dinners like this one.  You were supposed to be stuffed, weren’t you?  It’s Thanksgiving!

My dad would come home from work — he worked hard, my dad, long hours, sometimes a long commute   — and he’d make himself these triple decker peanut butter sandwiches (he loved peanut butter; he’s alive, just doesn’t eat peanut butter, he’s had a couple of triple by-pass surgeries).  I think that example, combined with my learning to eat my emotions early on, got me into nasty habits.  I remember sitting in front of the television at night with a cup of hot chocolate or tea, and about 5 or 6 slices of bread with margerine and either jelly or sugar and cinnamon.

We didn’t eat fast food very much, and we didn’t buy much junk food (later on, as a highschool aged teen, I did start to scarf down entire bags of Doritos or Cheese puffs at one sitting).  We didn’t drink pop (except on rare occassions), or eat sugary breakfast cereals.  The calories came from staple types of foods, and consuming lots of it.  I still laugh (dryly) at the thought that we lived in northern California, a drive away from where a major portion of this countries fruits and vegetables are grown, and the typical variety of greens stocked in our house was canned peas, iceburg lettuce, and carrots.  In the summer we might eat corn on the cob.  Or maybe we’d eat canned corn during the year.  Later my dad started growing tomato plants; we kids refused to eat tomatoes (I didn’t start until in college), and tomatoes from a GARDEN sounded way to icky to put in your mouth (they’re on the ground, and dirty!)  I hated onions too.  I’m not sure how I managed to turn that all around, but I’m ever so thankful I did (my siblings haven’t).  My mom rarely made desserts (pies and cookies on holidays); we did have ice cream in the freezer fairly often.

I went through the entire evolution: 

  1. sitting in one place that’s dedicated to eating (ie not in front of the television);
  2. eat/chew slowly, putting down your fork between bites;
  3. buy a smaller plate; don’t go back for seconds (I still violate this from time to time, taking a little more);
  4. eat what you like to eat; eat smaller meals more often (I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks);
  5. learn how full and hungry feel, eat when you’re hungry (let’s face it, most eating programs fly in the face of that little pearl of wisdom) and stop when you’re full.

I’m sure there’s more that would fit into that list, but that’s a good overall survey.  Next entry will be about binge behavior and overcoming emotional eating — and dealing with all of that while it’s tangled up with just plain bad eating habits.

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