I weighed in at 252 Friday morning, which is 1 lb away from where I left my ticker at 3FC, ha. I did that during a heat wave too, which makes me feel extra proud of myself. I expect to fluctuate a little next week due to the extreme weather, and because I didn’t exercise (walk) as much either (Thursday and Friday). I’ve managed to find that diet and exercise balance to see weight loss at a good pace (10 lbs in about 5 weeks), a very fast pace for me, the snail loser. I also lose in a jagged line way — three of the weigh ins had me at 255, then whoosh, 3 lbs came off. I think it had to do with TOM. As long as I’ve been doing this, I still had that doubt in my mind that I was screwing up somehow and needed to change something I was doing. It’s mentally tough keeping the faith when my calories are low and I really feel like I’m focused and my weight basically stays the same.
I am dying to be back in the 240s again, and when I see the 3 lb-loss it feels eminently possible. I hate that I let that hope and confidence plummet when there’s a little backtracking, due to indulging too much, or the weather, or both. I do feel healthy, physically and basically with my outlook towards food and eating and exercise. I just have to plow forward and keeping finding success. A picture of cygnets becoming swans fits well in here!
That moment I’m talking about is when some number on the scale, or incident — a stinging comment, pants that won’t zip, seeing myself in a photo — propels me into action, pushes me past my inertia point to change something I’m doing that I know isn’t working. This time for me it was a combination of seeing a number on the scale I’d passed going down many moons ago and feeling my pants getting tighter and tighter (my thighs felt like sausages in my jeans, yikes). And I won’t say that I haven’t been seeing a bunch of numbers again that I’d thought I’d left in the past for a while now. And yep, I noticed but ignored how much less roomy my pants had become — they used to slide down, and I’d constantly be pulling them up.
My diet wasn’t completely out of control at all; still, I had let extras start to creep in (chocolate, for one). I was still exercising, though not 3 times a week at the gym the way I used to. It’s not like I was losing at a stellar rate when I had been going 3 times a week. I had a fear of eating less — that, with bf aggressively telling me I didn’t need to eat less, and that I’d get hungry, was enough to keep me in a state of denial that led me to gain over 20 lbs from my lowest weight. I was afraid to eat less. I was afraid I’d be hungry, that it would lead me to binge, that I’d feel deprived on top of all the other stresses in my life, and that I’d have to let go of using food as a stress reliever — and where would that leave me??
Two weeks ago I just said enough, I cut out a couple of items from my daily food regime, and focused on not eating anything extra. During work that’s much easier for me. I bring my lunch, and am there 9 to 5. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that difficult to ignore the candy dish boss keeps. I still had more trouble with the eating on the weekend, but the 5 days of good eating made a big difference. I finally have been able to see the numbers drop — and fairly quickly.
I think the weekends will continue to be a challenge. We go out a lot, and I have a difficult time resisting. But I’ll keep the momentum moving forward and downward. I love that amazing and wonderful feeling of “future hope” — this is working, and I can do it, and I can achieve what I want to achieve weight wise. I can have a difficult time getting into that groove. When I’m there, the view is good indeed.