Friday I hit 246, which actually means I maintained last week. OK, and I sucked eating wise yesterday. We went to the Botanic Garden and then had dinner out at a Mexican restaurant. I took home half the food, no binging occurred. Then that evening, I ate the leftovers…mine and bf’s. My face is red typing that — even before I confess to eating a Mr. Softee on the way home too. We walked miles, but it didn’t make up for the calories consumed. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve thunk and processed and canoodled my brain to death, done group therapy, diet programs, did the gym thing for years. Yeah, I’m MUCH healthier, yeah, I’ve lost a LOT of weight, but I’m not letting myself finish the job. I’ve done so, so much to get over my compulsive binging eating habits. I need to find some way to overcome this resistance I have. It’s frustrating as hell.
–From “A Color of the Sky” by Tony Hoagland
I promised, to myself, that I would post my Friday weigh in weight at this blog. Ok, here is the painful truth, I’m at 248 now. I’m in the middle of TOM which accounts for some of that gain, but I must take responsibility for my vacation eating and letting gym and eating slip since I started my new job in February.
It goes on and on, this work on my weight, to make my body healthier and better, to get my brain in the right place to do what I need to do. I went to the gym on Saturday, did the elliptical for 20 minutes (my legs felt a little rubbery), then did the treadmill for another 20. Hit the resistance machines. Today walking through the neighborhood felt like a bit of a chore, it’s hot and muggy. Eating felt weird today too. We had salad for dinner, with apples, chicken, goat cheese, orange pepper strips, cucumber and tomatoes. And slices of demi baguette. I never saw the word “demi baguette” before, it’s a small white bread loaf. I got it at the farmers market on Fifth Avenue (where I got the goat cheese). We drank homemade ice tea with it. Breakfast was oatmeal and a piece of low cal wheat bread. Lunch was a cinnamon raisin bagel with butter and grape jelly. Lunch was not OP. My weekdays are relatively structured time and eating wise. It’s the weekends when I’m running around and doing stuff that’s more difficult. And this past Friday I got together with several people and there was food and beer involved. Truth is I don’t do a tremendous amount of socializing, and the food was delicious.
BF says I’m afraid to be thin and all the things I’ll feel like I’ll have to do if I get to that point. I think he’s afraid of me being thin too. That puts us somewhat at an impasse, one that only I can break through because ultimately I choose what goes in my mouth and how much exercise I do.