Back in the Saddle Again…

Posted by dragonwoman64 on November 6th, 2009 |Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

This is going to be a quick post, to say I lost 4 of the 5 pounds I gained when I went away for that long weekend.  I’m proud of myself for doing that.  Now, I have to stay good this weekend, keep my focus, and lose these last couple of pounds to get me out of the 240s.  I owe it to myself.

Life is hard…then you get back on your program again…

Posted by dragonwoman64 on October 31st, 2009 |Filed Under Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I have been on blog hiatus.  Why’s that?  you may ask.  I had personal and professional stress that made me feel overwhelmed by the thought of having to stick to my diet and exercise regime TOO.  But, you come back at me, don’t the diet and exercise make you FEEL BETTER?   Yes, yes they do.  I sometimes feel like I’m not doing it (losing the weight), that I’m a failure, I forget the massive amount of weight I’ve already lost and kept off, and I think, yeah, but what have I done THIS month??  And the answer is seesawed because I went away for a long weekend to the Hudson Valley and I ate chips, ice cream, Burger King, chocolate, cake.  Oh boy, I’m making myself seriously cringe writing that confessionary list.  Yes, I hiked alot, and had healthy meals too, and fruit snacks.  Face it, Marge, it’s not a secret why you gained 5 lbs these past couple of weeks.  Because I didn’t exactly stick to the program religiously once I got back either.  I struggled with eating extra goodies.  The stress level for work and personal have been at about an 8, and I haven’t handled it wonderfully (looking at the eating side to things).

Today was better.  I ate well, a little too much of the homemade spinach pizza at dinner.  I had a good workout routine at the gym.  I came back to 3FC, read and posted.  Wrote this blog entry.  Persevering when life feels like a weight is one of the toughest parts of this journey.  

Here’s me in the Hudson Valley

 

The Fall Equinox and weight loss goals

Posted by dragonwoman64 on September 9th, 2009 |Filed Under Patience | Leave a Comment

This year the autumnal equinox falls on September 22.  What, you may ask, do I mention that?  Well, I signed up for the Fall Equinox Weight Loss Challenge at 3FC, gave myself a 10 lb goal (which many others dwarfed with their goals).  I have 6 lbs to go, and I have to admit (ok, I don’t have to, but I’m freely admitting it here) that it doesn’t look as if I’ll make that target.  I may lose another 2 or 3 lbs, 6 strikes me as highly unlikely.

What happened?  you ask.  Nicely, but with a note in your voice, something like criticism, or disappointment, a little shake of the head.  Right after I got back from vacation in Pennsylvania, my weight, miraculously to my mind, actually had stayed the same.  A week later, the scale showed a 3 lb gain (!)  I had a delayed upward blip!  So, I’ve been riding on this see saw for a bunch of weeks of up a couple, down a couple.  It’s not that unusual for me, but I had in my mind to be more focused, have a blog, post and read at 3FC as much as possible; that I would really do it!  Not that I’m not doing it, I just have really continued in the weight loss way I’ve most always had, and can’t honestly say I’ve stepped it up all that much.  I made Friday my official weigh in day, I may get it down to 241, which would be a nice mental boost for me.  I went to the gym today, and ate well.

I’m not sure why I don’t do well at challenges.  Maybe if I hadn’t gone on vacation.  Am I being excuse laden?  Am I not engaging myself enough in this battle?  Do I not want it enough?  Thoughts to ponder.

Bummed

Posted by dragonwoman64 on September 1st, 2009 |Filed Under Emotional | Leave a Comment

I’m feeling very bummed today.  I have many life things on my mind, and I didn’t sleep well last night.  An email friend of mine basically told me to leave him alone today, which hurt, especially since I’ve been away for a couple of weeks and he went away for several days, and this is basically just the second day we’ve both been around.  I know he has serious things going on in his life; it still stung.  I guess I wanted him to need my support as much as I feel like I need his.  That’s not how it always works, unforunately.  

I got to the gym Friday, Saturday and Monday, I made the routine shorter to work my way back into the groove.  I think I was starting to burn out with the 2 hour workouts.  I struggled doing that 4 days a week, then went back to 3.  I’m thinking 4 shorter workouts might be better, physically and mentally.

I took up my knitting again, which I’m hoping will help me mentally too.   I’m making a blanket for an aunt who’s ill. 

Vacation’s All I Ever Wanted…

Posted by dragonwoman64 on August 29th, 2009 |Filed Under Body Image, Eating | Leave a Comment

I’m back from vacation!  Actually, I got back Tuesday night.  I’d given myself a 5 lb leeway, thinking I’d be with relatives who liked to cook, and we’d be going out to fairs, amusement parks, etc.  Well, Friday weigh in I was DOWN a pound.  I’m amazed at that, I admit, since I ate a decent amount of goodies.  A couple of things saved me.  1) my cousin and her husband are thin and eat like thin people who want to stay thin: ie, they skip meals, or eat one main meal then something small (I’m so used to eating a lot of small meals, this was tough on me; they also almost don’t eat veggies or fruits, my main staples); 2)  we walked constantly and I played with the kids (I exercised in the morning a couple of times too); 3) I really did stay conscious about not going crazy with the high calorie foods, and even though I ate ice cream, I also turned it away a few times (along with a few other things, like a fresh made donut).

Cows at the county fair.

I did ride rides, like rollercoasters and the ferris wheel, the log ride, the whip.  Except for the merry go round I didn’t let myself feel self conscious about my size.  On the MGR I just wasn’t willing to put my big behind on those small wooden horses(!)  My cousin’s husband has a nice digital camera, he took tons of shots each time we went out, mostly of the kids.  A few had me in them.  So, the family got together a couple of evenings and we did a slide show on the 40 inch tv.  Nothing like seeing your size 16/18 bod on a big screen to shake up your (body image) equilibrium!  I definitely felt self conscious, and my cousin told me she worries about her weight (she’s about 5′1″, in good shape — I didn’t see any extra pounds on her), I know that must effect how she reacts to me sometimes (and eating).

 

I will give myself credit for getting right back into my good eating habits pretty much the minute I got back.  Traditionally, vacations have thrown me off eating wise and it can take a period of time to get back on the wagon.  I went to the gym yesterday after a week and a half hiatus, I was in better shape than I thought I would be.  I skipped a part of the routine, but didn’t feel bad at all (I thought it would be more of a struggle).  On Wednesday and Thursday I took long walks, since I didn’t feel up to the gym yet (still pretty exhausted from traveling and getting used to being back at work).

No, I didn’t lose weight on vacation, some people do.  I did maintain, not entirely due to my efforts, I owe a good deal of the credit to circumstance.  That said, or rather admitted, I am happy to be back to 242 and getting nearer and nearer to being out of the 40s, which will be a great thing for me mentally.

Sunday, Sunday….

Posted by dragonwoman64 on August 16th, 2009 |Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

This is a general update post, with a few random thoughts.  I’m back to 243, but didn’t hit the 242 weight again yet.  Had one glass of beer with sister in law (otherwise OP for the day; yes, I did miss a gym day — but had a nice long work out on Friday.  I’ll go today and Tuesday, Wednesday I leave for my vacation.  I didn’t eat popcorn on Friday, I did chose a Mediterranean salad (veggies, chickpeas, feta cheese) with a piece of whole wheat bread (that I shared with the birds) and not the quiche and salad at the BBG (went yesterday, gorgeous day) — ok!  I confess I drank a Brooklyn lager there!  Did lots of walking (2 to 3 miles).

For dinner I had a slice of pizza topped with spinach (from Lenny’s) and a thick crust square (cheese).  I am improving my weekend eating.  Not that long ago I would have eaten a take out meal on Friday, had the popcorn, gotten the quiche with salad at the BBG and had an ice cream on the walk home, and eaten the pizza.  Then I would have struggled the entire next week to maintain or have a slight loss.

I have to mentally prepare myself about gaining a couple of lbs on vacation.  Since I won’t be working out that week, and will undoubtedly have OP eating, I think it’s inevitable.  I do not plan on pigging out in any way, and will make healthy choices and avoid sweets and goodies as much as possible.  I will be mindful, because I know I seriously do not want to back track in any big sense (over a few lbs).  My cousin and her husband are thin and healthy, so I know they must cook, eat and be active to maintain that.   That’s something for me to keep in mind.

Ok, one more BBG shot

Gotta jump in the shower.  More to come….

When life steps in…and revisiting family dynamics

Posted by dragonwoman64 on August 11th, 2009 |Filed Under Eating | Leave a Comment

I read a thread today posted by a woman who’s family and friends wanted to celebrate her birthday by taking her out to eat and cooking for her — it was just piling up into not one, but THREE days of “celebration”, which was making me a little upset — as she put it.  Tomorrow my sister in law and nephew plan to visit me, we’ll go to a local bar and have a drink and chat.  Maybe eat, who knows.  I’ll have to miss my regular gym visit, since I won’t have time between the end of work and meeting them.  That stressed me out because I want to get back down to the 242 this week (I’m at 245 right now).   Both situations I present above put into my mind that life constantly steps in with this weight loss process.  Eating is a social event; no, it’s not always possible to get to the gym 3 times a week.

I could order a spritzer, or carbonated water at the bar.  Seems unlikely I’ll do that.  I’ve had a very good eating week, stayed on plan through the weekend, skipped going out to eat, didn’t eat the “Friday popcorn” I let myself have.  Also seems unlikely I’d have more than one drink, I’m not a big drinker, and it’s hot (meaning the alcohol will go right to my head).

So if I were to face up to it, how many times have I let special and social occasions be a good excuse to eat what I wanted.   Many.  I deserve it, it’s fun, eating is fun, I shouldn’t deprive myself, weight loss is a life long effort, right?  I’ll go back to the program after X holiday is over.  Which I usually do, but how’s that workin’ for me?  Well, it slows down the process.  When I say process, I mean the rate of weight loss.  And when I say the rate of weight loss, I mean I’m extending the amount of time that I’m at this weight, 245 lbs.  I think that has to start be less ok with me.

My sister in law believes in eating healthily and being at a healthy weight.  She’s had 3 boys, and after each, worked most if not all of the extra pounds off.  She goes to the gym, goes to the track.  Watches her diet.  My brother, her husband, has no impulse control with his eating.  He’s gone to famous weight clinics, and even had gastric surgery, years ago.  He’s still quite heavy.  He has to take insulin shots, has a bad knee, a bad disk in his back.  All those things combined makes it so he can barely walk.  He’s 10 years older than me.

I know SIL will compliment on my weight loss; I don’t see her that often, so gym work and some lbs off since last year will be noticable to her.  You know what’s funny?  She’s usually the only one in my family that does comment on my progress.  My dad, sister (who’s heavy too) and brother more often than not stay mum on the topic.  And if I bring it up, it gets dropped fast, or else dad will say something like:  your sister did well when she saw a nutritionist, she should do that again.  Somehow the topic of my weight has always been that of which naught is spoken.  

My other brother used to tease my sister with some choice names: thunder thighs (she was thin and cute in highschool, when she was married; carried a few extra lbs in between, would lose them, then when she had her three kids, she balooned to where’s she heavier than me — that’s a mind boggling thought, I was always the big one).  He never called me any names. 

Maybe I just seemed too delicate and desperate to them.  Maybe the whole family had a type of denial around it, I’m not sure.  No one ever commented on how much or what I ate, my exercise level, or on my ever increasing girth and unhappiness/depression around that.

BF and I joke about my weight and body all the time (he’s nice and supportive about my weight loss efforts I should add).  I’m not sensitive to it now; yes, I guess I was super sensitive about it at various points in my life.  I guess I feel more in control of setting boundaries, and I’m more self assured.  Boy, it has taken work.  I hope I have the happiness and contentment about myself that other women here have when I reach my goal.  I’m still digesting that idea.

Anal/Obsessive Charting and a Lovely August Day

Posted by dragonwoman64 on August 8th, 2009 |Filed Under Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I pulled out my weight loss journal yesterday, and since then have been anally plugging in the numbers to excel charts to see what the dates and lbs lost would look like on a graph.  2008 was the nose dive year for me.  I had about a 9 lb weight loss range for the entire year, but only a one lb weight loss from the first weigh in of the year to the last.  One pound in one year.  That must be micro ounces per week.  I had serious dieting burn out.

It’s a little up in the air my starting weight, since I used a spring scale for the first 6 months.  At 3FC I guesstimated 320; extrapolating from when I first used the Tanita mid January 2004 back to June 2003 when I started, my weight would have been 318.  I’m going to share here, with all the glory and embarrassment it entails, the amounts I’ve lost each year since then.

  • 2003     20 lbs lost
  • 2004     13 lbs lost
  • 2005     19 lbs lost
  • 2006     12 lbs lost
  • 2007      9 lbs lost
  • 2008      1 lb lost
  • 74 lbs total

In 2009, my first weigh in was Feb 13 at 253.3.  Aug 6, I weighed in at 245 (I’d gotten down to 242, this represented a jump up of 3 lbs due to ???, partly overngnoshing, partly TOM–this is week before, could be other stuff, definitely did not overeat 3 lbs worth, but it’s not like I haven’t seen these little leaps many times before, as the anal weight loss charts will testify to).

It’s hard for me not to feel like anyone who reads this blog would never listen to a word I’d have to say about weight loss considering the dead snail pace my efforts represent, heh heh.  In some ways I’ve embraced this lifestyle, and in some ways (obviously) I’ve been fighting it like a cat in a box.

I will say on my own behalf, I never gave up (only came close!).  I never gained back the weight.  How do I feel about it being so slow?  I’m not sure, sometimes I hate the thought, it seems like time wasted and I want to kick myself in the rear.  Other times, I’m so freakin’ proud of myself for getting it off and keeping it off.  I have made significant and I believe permanent changes in my habits and outlook.  Since it’s been 6 years down this road and I’m still losing and finding my eating and exercise routine fairly easy to stick to, I think I have a right to say that.  Honestly, this chick wants no more yo-yo’ing (a couple of lbs is ok, no more double digit fiascos).

I think the food/eating will have to continue to evolve, as will the exercise.  I’m still letting bf do 90 percent of the cooking, not a disaster, but he doesn’t have an extra ounce of fat on his body.  As my weight gets down what and how much I eat, I have a feeling, will need to change.  Right now I eat about 1800 to 2000 calories a day.  I don’t religiously log everthing I eat; my meals are fairly routine and I’ve used fitday to check them out calorie wise.  Besides, logging everything drove me a bit batty, even with something as simple and easy to use as fitday.  I know when I’m consuming too many extras, though I may play the denial card from time to time (thus, the scale ups and downs).

I wonder if at the start of one of those years, maybe picking a good one, like where I saw a 20 lb loss, if I’d told myself: “you will lose 20 lbs this year, no more, no less,” would I have felt like a complete failure and given up?  Margie, in 2009, you will lose 20 lbs, no more no less.  Will that make me be a rebel and strive for more??

In any event, I’m glad I created those charts and am facing it all realistically; the good and the bad aspects.  That way I can decide what next steps I may need to take, and what I might want to do.  And it’s a lovely August day!

 

Eating, the topic of endless interest…Part III

Posted by dragonwoman64 on August 7th, 2009 |Filed Under Eating | Leave a Comment

We are passing through the world.
This is some of what is does to us.
                    — From: Fleshly Answers by Rachel Hadas

The third, and last part of the series I want to write, heh heh, has to do with habit.  Eating habits.  Part of the whole tangled up ball of yarn that involves emotional eating, binge eating, compulsive behavior is simple ole habit.  You know, that knee jerk, how I’ve always done it, what feels natural, groove kind of behavior.  Habit can be like a glue.  It’s the evening, bf and I are sitting watching tv, lots of Burger King and McD commercials flash in front of our eyes.  Hey, he says, I’m hungry!  Ah oh.  My “friend” habit from the past couple of years (I put the quotes in because sometimes habit has been my sincere friend), whispers in my ear, Yeah, I’m a little hungry.  Cheese and crackers would taste great right now.  And I haven’t had that in a while, doing it in the past hasn’t hurt that much…

Um, yeah, it has hurt in the past, because I stayed in the 250s for about 3 years because of that kind of behavior.  Not horrible, not binging, but bad habit.   Breaking the bad habit groove for me, and I’m still working on it, involves several elements. 

1) acknowledging in the moment that the behavior choice IS NOT HELPING THE CURRENT GOAL.

2) I have to be an adult and make the responsible, adult choice, and not give into the momentary desire (because it’s not fulfilling a true hunger, it’s a food desire, an urge)

3) acknowledging to myself that I can make the leap of faith in myself, that I can do it, and reach my goals, I’ve already made enormous progress.  I can overcome my fears and anxieties around the whole weight loss process.

Getting out of the 240s into the 250s represented a move out of my BIG STUCK PERIOD (major happy dance).  Now, moving from the 240s into the 230s has opened up new territory, which is potentially loaded for me.  After I’m below 240 I’ll be in the weight range I was in college.  In a way, it feels like I’m redefining myself.  Every ten pounds has felt that way, actually.  Thinking of myself being in the college weight range makes me feel joyful, and hopeful.  So why do I have this anxiety and fear around it?  You’d think I’d be thrilled with the thought of getting my weight down to that point.  My current reasoning around it is that I still put this burden of “action” or “expectation” around the pounds coming off, which sabotages me.  And it leads me to emotionally cling to BAD/UNHELPFUL HABITS. 

My plan for dealing with this, and I do have one, is to zone out.  Zone out, you say?  isn’t that UNMINDFUL and won’t that lead to falling into bad habits and away from success?   Au contraire.  By unmindful I mean I’m going to have simple goals (stay away from the crackers and cheese, keep the eating out at a minimum, stay away from the chocolate, the wine coolers), and not OVERTHINK the weight loss and what it means for me to have a smaller body, i.e., what I THINK I’ll have to do once I lose the weight.

One last thing before I go today.  I’ve been heavy since I was in elementary school.  As an adult, I don’t even remember being below 200 pounds (that would put me in an “overweight” category, instead of obese, at my height).  So, even though it’s a good distance away, weight loss wise, the thought of being below 200 lbs feels like entering another universe.  In a way, that fact may be making it harder for me to envision success:  I’m not going back to something I knew, I’m achieving a brand new goal for myself.  Interesting to see how this will develop….(!)

Eating, the topic of endless interest….Part II

Posted by dragonwoman64 on August 5th, 2009 |Filed Under Eating | 2 Comments

Let me start by saying I think binge eating truly sucks.  That felt good.  Let me follow up by saying every one most likely has a different definition of what a binge is, so here’s mine:  I consider it binging when I emotionally must eat a certain food or foods, and I don’t feel I can stop until the amount of those foods I have on hand completely is finished, i.e., the donut box is empty, the pizza gone, the Dorito bag a flapping piece of plastic coated with orange dust.  If you were to ask me what causes this, even after having gone through therapy for it, I couldn’t tell you.  I guess I could yap on about it filling voids, etc., family dynamics that scarred me, being overly sensitive, having bad coping mechanisms.  I would imagine the reasons one suffers from binge behavior must be unique to each person.  I’m not a psychologist. 

I did work with a therapist who specialized in eating disorders (I consider myself a “healed” compulsive overeater).  And I did group therapy for a short while (which helped me get over shame and guilt feelings).  What I do remember making an impact on the binge behavior was an approach in a book Overcoming Overeating http://www.overcomingovereating.com/  The idea behind it is to get your mind to believe that you have the real choice to eat whatever amount of any food that you want, that you do have the power to stop eating at any point (and there are no bad foods).   In my mind, I had this thought that I would be coming to the end of the food, the bottom of the box, the last one in the bag, that created a kind of panic where I felt compelled to finish it.  To eliminate that binge inducing thought, I would have to have as many boxes or bags of whatever food ON HAND, so in essence I would have an unlimited supply.  Once the box got towards the end, I’d buy another one.  I did this experiment with old fashioned donuts.

For anyone who feels out of control of her eating, you’ll get that this is a scary process.  It scared me, and it helped me get past my binging.  I do not binge eat anymore.  Was it a fast thing?  No, it took me decades of my life.  Did it have to take that long?  No, but I kept going back on diets, which sent me back into a binge mindframe.  For me, for most of my life, there’s existed a fine line of dieting/binge behavior; I had a desire to lose weight for my quality of life, my health, my looks.  At the same time, I needed to find a way that wouldn’t drive me nuts emotionally.  Diets promote binge behavior in me.  How do I eat to lose weight (diet), and not fall into binge behavior. 

It turned out to be a slow process.  No more dieting (like official WW, JC, whatever), BUT I do believe in eating healthily and watching how much I eat.  I don’t eat anything I don’t like.  Exercise has been a lifesaver in the process, not only does it help me emotionally, makes me feel healthier, makes me healthier, it helps me to feel good about EATING healthier and eating in a good calorie range.  My eating and exercise habits have evolved and continue to evolve.   

And it’s meant I’ve had to work on dealing with my emotional issues in ways other than with food.  And it meant that I had to face many of my emotional issues.  That took time and effort too.  Sometimes a good stew takes time. 


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