Well…a lot has been going on.

I’ve been going through a lot lately. 2 weeks ago I was in the ER with what they thought was a heart attack and turned out not to be. Then I had to do a bowel prep (eww) and have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. They found that I had severe gastritis in my stomach and they put me on a medication that I’m supposed to take every single day but keep forgetting. I don’t know what the gastritis means because the doctor talked to my mom after the procedure and not me, and my mom forgot everything he said. He also had me do a HIDA gallbladder function test today and I’ll be doing a follow up with him on tuesday for all of the results.

Every time I eat, I feel sick to my stomach. Greasy foods don’t make it as bad, and so I’ve been eating a bunch of things I shouldn’t be eating…but whatever. Half the time I eat and I’m having to run to the bathroom constantly for a week, and half of the time I eat and I can’t manage to go for a week. It’s ridiculous and I hope they just get it figured out soon. I know that the HIDA scan didn’t do what it was supposed to do, and that the stuff they injected didn’t get all the way to my gallbladder, so maybe that means something IS wrong. I really just want a definitive answer so that they can get to the bottom of this. It sounds bad, wanting something to be wrong…but I am just so sick of feeling awful and NOT knowing why. I want something they can treat or fix so that I don’t have to feel like this anymore…

Anyways, I’ve basically been ignoring any kind of diet. I’m sure that I am gaining weight, but right now I don’t care. I am probably making excuses…but I just feel like right now I’m really stressed about balancing my health and my job and I’m doing my best and I am already getting tension headaches….and I don’t need any more stress because I cannot even take the medicine I used to take for my tension headaches with the medication I’m taking for the gastritis….so I can’t seem to EVER get rid of this damn headache. I feel it all the way down the back of my neck and in the back of my head and behind my ears and in the top of my head. It’s absolutely miserable. I’ve been putting warm compresses on the back of my neck for a week now. It’s miserable.

I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty about all of this. I feel guilty that my parents are having to pay for all of these tests. I feel guilty that I keep having to take time off of work when my boss has ALREADY talked to me twice about my being out sick so much and how it needs to stop happening. She seems to understand that these tests could get down to the bottom of the whole problem and could lead to a solution….but I can’t help but worry about my job and feel guilty for making everything harder for the people who ARE at work simply because they are not there. I feel guilty for not caring about what I eat. I just feel so guilty and so stressed and I think that I might explode. Maybe I should talk to somebody…but that would mean taking more time off of work and more money for my parents and I would just feel more guilty. I don’t know. I’m not depressed…I’m happy and I love my job and I know I could have it a lot worse…and I’m one of those people that always has a positive outlook…I’m just lost right now.

I wish I could just pull myself together.
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One Response to “Well…a lot has been going on.”

  1. I am so sorry that your not feeling well. No one plans to get sick so the last thing you should feel is guilty. If this was happening to a coworker you would likely have empathy for them. I have been sick with a condition that there is no real treatment or cure. I just wait for it to subside to resume my life. Usually I can’t work or drive when I have it. I use to feel guilty that I was off but there are things you have no control over. Your health is more important than any job. I hope things work out for you.

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