bits of string and sealing wax

I just wrote a couple pages of affirmations, and had to take a break because my little hand is cramping.  Jeepers, self work is tough stuff.  I feel like I am moving at the pace of a quadriplegic sloth.  I know that I have blogged on that topic in the past, but it still holds true.  It’s like I am slower than a dead guy.  Real life zombies are much scarier than the movie versions.  In fact, last night I had a dream about zombies, and the dream ended with some pretty positive messages.  And then I wake up and think to myself, “Cripes, Deeders, you’re starting to make me worry.  What kind of shit is going on in that head of yours?”  And then I think about the agonizingly slow pace of my progress, and I begin comparing myself to a zombie.  Do zombies eat brains cause they are in dire need of a new one?  Are they after perspective and a human connection?  All the deep musings about the intricate lives of zombies kinda made me not want to get out of bed.

i’ll just rest here for a while and think things over

Blerg.  So I literally have stayed in bed all day.  I read and took some naps.  I did affirmations.  I shed a few tears.  Cubby wanted to know why I felt sad, and I couldn’t think of any one thing.  Weight?  Living situation?  Miscarriage?  Not being in school?  Missing my Florida friends?  Feeling disconnected?

I had intended to do Jane Fonda, and then go do some birding, but my chest felt all heavy.  I’ve been in bed feeling weird all day, and not getting much of anything done.  The affirmations are helpful, and I am going to keep doing them until I cheerfully accept each one in the depths of my core.  That’s the only useful thing that I have done today.  What else was I doing?  Playing Plants Versus Zombies on the Xbox.  I took the dream as a sign.

I need a life coach right about now.

I have just realized that the distraction of Easter assisted me with forgetting to post my weekly goals.  So, what shall my weekly goals be?  Erg, I just want to go birding and put some new apps on my Iphone.  Lets keep it simple here, people, let’s keep it simple.  Here is the list that I just banged out.

#1 - Drool over new binoculars that I cannot afford right now  (I’m using 10X50’s from the sixties, gang.  I gotta update my gear sometime in the near future) and add them to my wishlist.  Oh, and a new strap would be lovely.

#2 - Resist paying nineteen dollars for the fancy Audubon Ebird app that I have been lusting after for the past couple of months.  Remember that I am a hedonist and that I probably need extra presents and treats, and then go ahead and buy the app.  Hooray for indulgence!  (It rules over common sense, reason, and cautionary thriftiness)

#3 - Well, you already spent nineteen dollars on one app.  You may as well spend another ten on that other bird log mobile data entry app thinger.  Mmmhmm.  Indulgence.

#4 - Order the first Salsa Crazy dvd so that you and Cubby can start practicing and going to open salsa night.

#5 - Get the next book club book

#6 - Reign your crazy ass in and stop spending money, like, immediately

Hey, check that out!  Everything on the list is highlighted already, so I would say that my week is a complete success.  I was going to hold off a bit longer to purchase the salsa dvd, but what the hell- I want to start learning it as soon as possible so that we look like we at least know a little something when we go to salsa nights.  Like I have mentioned recently, I want to get majorly into active hobbies and start meeting new people. I am thinking of looking for a local birding club to join, but I’ve not made up my mind about that yet.  Perhaps birding is more of a solitary occupation.  ;)

Wilson’s Snipe

Speaking of which, yesterday I went birding alone for a few hours at Richard Bong State Park.  I have been going to that place since I was a little kid, so it’s an old favorite.  I went on some trails on the western side of Wolf Lake, and back near some smaller ponds to look for early migrating ducks.  All in all it was a much needed solo hike, and I saw plenty of feathered beasties.

blue winged teal

eastern meadowlark

Those adorable little snipes were all over the place.  Out of the nine that I saw, only one of the little suckers was sitting still.  Most of the time they do what I call a “flush and fly” meaning that a person never knows of their presence until they are hurtling away and doing little calls.  It is impressive that a bird with a goofy bill that long can melt away so easily into its surroundings.

Song of the Day -The Littlest Birds - Jolie Holland

Happy Easter to all of my blog readers!

I hope my blog title wasn’t too sacrilegious for you folks- I just couldn’t resist.  Sacrilegious, more like sacrilicious!!  Good thing my mom doesn’t read my blog or she would be telling me to be more reverent of our lord.

I am here putzing around on the lappy and we are supposed to be making peanut butter chip brownies to take to Cubby’s aunt’s house.  Yup.  It is now eleven o’clock and both of us are lazing about in bed.  At least I got up and went downstairs and pretended to be ready for the day for about forty five minutes.  That oughta count for something, yeah?

Well, as of tomorrow I am going back to avoiding meat for the most part, because my weight goes down when I do, and my energy level increases.  My Grandmother is having this big ole birthday party for her ninetieth birthday, and a shit ton of my family are all going to be here, and I would really like to be 195 for that event.  I am still staying away from the scale since it turns me into an immediate lunatic, but I will know if my weight hits 195 anyhow.  In my opinion I should never weigh more than that number, because beyond that and I get an extra chin.  That damn nightmarish thing disappears the second I hit that number.

I will be doing either Jane Fonda or the upper body sculpting pilates dvd that I have that uses hand weights.  These two dvds give me the quickest results, so they are a winning combo for the time being.  I like the aerobics because I notice a difference in my waistline so quickly.  Hopefully if I stick to the upper body workout my flabby as hell arms will trim down a tad.  In the past I have tried to do more than one dvd each morning, but now I know that was a huge mistake.  Making things too complicated in the morning is a superb way for me to ensure that I won’t do anything at all.  ;)

I am also going to make sure that we go on a couple of birding adventures each week.  It is a really great way to stay active and get in a good walk, and I am itching to go to some places close by that are on The Great Birding Trail of Wisconsin.  (Don’t be fooled, it isn’t really a trail.  What it is is locations all over the state that are noted for good birding)  Cubby starts his new job on Wednesday, and also has drill this weekend, so hopefully the weather is nice on Monday and Tuesday.  Walking is seriously the most logical activity a person can do to maintain lasting health and all that.  I’ve always liked hiking, and throwing birding in makes it more of a hobby.  I want us to pursue active hobbies, and not just lazy hobbies like movies and games.

We are going to start going to open salsa nights at this dance club in Milwaukee too.  I believe there is a brief lesson of sorts, and then salsa dancing every Saturday for a five dollar cover fee.  My friend used to be hardcore into all kinds of dancing, and she mentioned at book club that she would like to start going out dancing again with her husband.  She said he is much more willing to go if there are other people along as opposed to just the two of them.  I guess they used to go to this club sometimes, and she liked it a lot.  We are very interested in taking dance lessons, and finding more dance clubs.  My fella is actually a pretty good dancer already, but there aren’t many places to go dancing around here.   Usually we dance at the gay bar - which is fine, but it would be cool to find places that played different music.  Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be with a man who is comfortable dancing with me at a gay bar.  However, the dj’s tend to play the same music there all the time, and that gets kind of old.

I truly enjoy dancing, and yet I have never taken lessons or actively pursued it.  Why?  Because in my mind I weighed too much to go to official dance classes, and I have been waiting around to be a certain weight before learning to dance better.  What rubbish!  I don’t want to live that way anymore.  Are there things that you are waiting to do?  Oh, well, when I am (insert size here) then I will do (insert interesting thing here). If I was pursuing all the things I’ve held myself back from I don’t think I would have any weight issues right now.  Thinking like a fat girl keeps me fat.  Believing that there are “off limits” activities keeps me stuck in the same place.  Ug.

Anyway, since we can’t exactly afford true salsa classes I figured the open salsa night is a good alternative option.  It will get us out there with some friends, and perhaps we can meet some new and interesting folks.  Also, as soon as I have the money I am going to order some salsa dvds that I have had my eye on for a number of years.

There are three dvd’s in this set (there is actually one with five- holy smokes), and I am finally with a person who is totally willing to do dvd workouts with me.  So. Very.  Stoked.  The three dvd set is fifty dollars, but I might just start with the first one because it is only twenty.  Purchasing the set is ten bucks less than purchasing them separately, but getting them individually is probably easier for me to manage.  Each dvd is two hours long, so what I am thinking is that we could start on the first dvd and do it twice a week together, and kind of treat it like an official lesson.  This combined with the salsa night, and we’ll be dancing up a storm in no time, right?  :)  The five dvd set is 118.00, which seems like way too much money at the moment, and (of course) I want to know that we actually like the first dvd and are going to do it regularly before investing in all of the dvds.   Hopefully down the road we’ll be able to afford lessons.  I think it would be fun to learn swing dancing, hip hop, and ballroom dancing as well.

I have realized that if I want to be fit and healthy, I have to start living like that person right now.  I can’t sit around day dreaming about how perfect my life is going to be when I reach my ideal size.  I do not need to fantasize about the girl that I want to be.  Instead I can simply be her.  She’s the kind of girl who stays active, takes dance classes, and goes out dancing on the weekends.  She isn’t the kind of girl who talks herself out of activities she enjoys, because she is fearful that she won’t fit in.

Ok, I really gotta get my ass in gear.  I hope you peeps (get it, PEEPS- oh boy, I am such a stitch) have a splendid Easter!

Although I am still having problems with my 3fc blog, I am going to try to send an email and get it taken care of.  Who do I email?  I could look, but I am hoping that one of you dolls will simply tell me.

I have decided to go back to double posting.  It seems that as soon as I was going to leave 3fc the site started having problems.  Am I partially responsible?  Will 3fc fall the fuck apart without me?  I can’t be responsible for such a travesty.

Today was delightfully productive.  We started the day off with some Jane Fonda (Cubby does it with me cause he’s just that cool… and I totally think we should get some fancy leotards and leg warmers), cause I decided that I needed to stop making dumb excuses as to why I can’t do a twenty five to thirty minute workout each day.  One teensie workout dvd when I wake up in the morning is not that difficult, and I don’t know why it has taken me so long to get back into the habit of doing it.  Consider it done!

I have a wee theory that may or may not explain why I was so motivated to work out today as soon as I got out of bed:  I have shortened my affirmations to “I am noticed and appreciated in the most positive of ways.  I am always safe and secure.  I am always taken care of.  I am loved,” and I have been reciting them over and over in my head.  Somethin’ must be sinking in, because I have been feeling an increase in confidence in the past few days.  The confidence boosts my energy level.  I also started reading this book called Radical Forgiveness by some British dude (at least, I think he’s a British dude, not that it makes  a fuckload much of a difference) named Colin Tipping.  The concepts aren’t new to me, but perhaps I was due for a refresher course.  The first thirty six pages are all that I have read, and I think the book is worth reading just for this part alone.  I’ve been stewing over recent events that did not seem to end in my favor, and part one of the book helped my brain look at things more positively.  I actually started to weep as I was reading, and I got that oh-so-lovely-weight-has-been-lifted feeling.  Hot damn, I love it when that happens!

Ya see, I got a case of the down-and-outs because some of my school chums from back in Florida were messaging me.  That got me to thinking about how things did not work out at the birth center.  That got me to thinking about anything that hadn’t worked out during my whole life.  That got me to thinking about my core problems, and why couldn’t I get over them, and why was I still stuck in this strange I re-gained weight phase that I have been in for six years.  That got me to pick up this damn book that I have been meaning to read since I returned to Wisconsin.  I figured under everything was some kind of forgiveness issue.  It was all the down-and-out thoughts that were making me rethink my blog- hopefully my last posts haven’t been too dismal.

Anywhoozles, I am still trying to learn to live in a balanced and healthy way.  There is no way in hell that I am going to give up on that.  I am making small changes to increase my activity level, and to improve my diet each day.  I believe that I may begin using measurements and smash the shit out of put away the scale for a while.  Doing affirmations and listening to the Nutrition Diva podcasts help me, so I will continue to do those things as well.  I still wish to re read a lot of my emotional-eating-diet-psychology type books, because that helps with the emotional and underlying issue end of things.

I am happy to report that The Ten Moons and Journey Notes are now both officially up and running.  Today I posted ten necklaces on Journey Notes, and set all the store policies, and shipping and all that.  I may be lowering the shipping at both shops, because I think I will stop using flat rate boxes unless somebody purchases multiple items.  I truly wish that I had more necklaces to post on Journey Notes, because I really feel that this shop is going to pick up much faster than my other one.  The items have already gotten a lot of hits and have been favorited, which is a good sign.

There are links to both stores (and you can preview items) at the right side of my blogger blog.  You probably already noticed those over there though.  Awwwwwww yeah, shameless advertising!!  There is a link to my Ten Moons shop at the top of the 3fc blog, and I will post a link to Journey Notes up there soon.

We also (and by we I mean Cubby did it while I got my shop online) removed all the gross old carpeting from the hallway and stairs.  And wouldn’t ya know it, underneath the hardwood looks much nicer anyhow.  Have I ever mentioned that I truly loathe carpeting?  I don’t mind it in a bedroom I suppose, but I always think of all the crap that has to be living in the fibers.  Normally I could care less about such matters, yet something about carpet kinda grosses me out.  HOWEVER, new carpeting is one of my top twenty (might even slide into top ten) favorite smells.  If there were candles that smelled like new carpeting I would purchase them with no hesitation.  Weirdsville is the name of the town in which I was birthed.  ;)

Talk to you folks later.  Have a great weekend everybody.

Has ANYBODY been able to get help with their blog issues?  I can’t even send a message to 3fc, because it will not go through.  If you have had success getting help with your blog, please shoot me and email and tell me what you did.  My email is didi_paul@rocketmail.com.   I am unable to get to my blog directly, and can’t comment on any 3fc blog.  At this point I would gladly leave this site forever because I have another blog on blogger, but some of you are only blogging here.  I want to be able to continue reading your blogs and leaving comments.  :(  :(

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/04/journey-notes-and-shift-in-perspective.html

Hey, felesi, I was trying to comment on your blog and 3fc wouldn’t let me.  Boo fucking hoo!  Here is the comment:

Thank you for writing this post.  I have been feeling so confused lately, and frustrated, and angry angry angry inside.

I was like you when I was younger.  I was invisible, but there was this spark of hope and beauty in me, and I knew it was there.  After high school I traveled, lost forty pounds, and became this friendly, talkative, hilarious, and lovely person.  I was on fire.  I literally glowed all the time with hope and curiosity and passion.

And then there were hard corners, and tough lessons.  I gained back my “padding” so to speak, and part of me crawled back into myself to hide. I had this four and a half period of “shining,” and now I’ve been in a six year cycle of being that same fat girl that I used to be in junior high and highschool.  I have literally moved back to the same house.  It is surreal and baffling, and I’ve been so all over the place.

In my mind part of me believes that I am a failure.  I did not graduate and become a midwife.  I had to move back home to clear skeletons out of a closet that I’ve been avoiding for years.

We have had times of insane stress.  We are learning and gathering, because we have more bright shining star moments in our future.  We needed the pain, and our fat girl insights, because it is preparing us for future roles.

You are a leader and a role model, and all you need to do is find out where to apply that positively.  If med school is wrong for you there is nothing wrong with that.  Your purpose must be in some other walk of life where you can do a greater amount of good.  There is some kind of career for you that will offer you satisfaction and fulfillment, and highlight everything that you have been through.

I know that you will find your way.

I have been having all these thoughts recently.  ”What if my shining self is over?  Maybe I am just supposed to be addicted to food, and drift through  my life this way until it is over.”

Reading this helped me remember the truth. I am more myself now than ever I was.  I am that shining, beautiful girl, and then some.  That girl is now here with a greater depth of knowledge and understanding than she ever could have imagined.

Thank you thank you for posting.  Lots of love!!

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/03/one-down-forty-nine-to-go.html

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/03/beginning-of-hope-happy-stuff.html

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/03/end-of-rope-tough-stuff.html