too much time spent on the same old thing March 5, 2013
Why am I still continuing to choose to focus on my weight instead of other areas of my life? Yeah, that’s right. I used the word CHOOSE, because it absolutely is a choice. Nobody puts food in my mouth for me. I do that with my own two hands. It’s much scarier for me to think about needing to move, deciding which city to live in, needing to find a decent job, deciding on a career, and living out in the world every day than it is to think about my weight and what I look like. I guess that’s why I gained so much weight six years ago. I guess that’s why I carry around an extra forty pounds now. I am so terrified of being totally empowered and independent. I question myself and my abilities constantly. At 29 years old I am still insecure, and don’t really know who I am or where I want to be, or what I really want. Sure, I have figured out a lot of things through trial and error. I figured out that I got into bad relationships as a way to distract myself. Ended that cycle, yay me! I stopped dating argumentative douche bags who dragged me down and didn’t know me. I took a break, regrouped, and decided that I deserved real love. I’ve never looked back, and am now in the best relationship of my life. He adores me, appreciates me, and loves me even on my worst day, and is always uber supportive of me. That’s a good thing. I also stopped hanging around draining people who didn’t support me in positive ways. Another plus. My relationships are much fewer now, but I no longer feel all worn and drawn because of them.
I am trying to accept myself as a writer, an artist, and a healer. It’s tricky doing so, because I currently am not making enough money from these things to support myself. I feel like maybe my energy is still too scattered and indecisive. I worry a lot.
I thought that I could make enough money selling Norwex so that I wouldn’t have to get a full time job during the week, but that isn’t working out as planned. Should I keep trying? Maybe I need to get something full time during the week, and just see what happens. That probably makes the most sense. I can’t keep waiting for everything to happen. I need to make it happen. Or let it happen. I don’t know.
It seems that I am very focused on getting in my daily workouts, and burning at least four hundred calories a day. It’s good that I am consistently achieving this goal that I set for myself, but MORE needs to happen. Weight and health aren’t the only slice of my pie. If I don’t tend to the total package things are not going to turn out well. I’ll lose weight and gain it back again- and be stuck in that same cycle.
I should be writing, and practicing the metaphysical healing, and re doing the pictures for my etsy shop. I should be pouring over my Norwex training dvds and finding ways to improve sales and bookings. It seems I spend a great deal of time figuring out my calories for the day, and food, and the workouts that I’ll be doing. And then I’m not doing a whole lot else. It concerns me, because that is precisely what I don’t want. I DON’T want to be making everything about my weight anymore.
When I am at goal I WILL STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE. NOTHING WILL GO AWAY OR MAGICALLY BE BETTER. Weighing less doesn’t actually equal a suddenly perfect life. I think that fat people are addicted to the dream and the promise of this beautiful fairy tale future. When I am thin… fill in the blank. (I will meet my true love, I will wear nice clothing, I will take dance classes, yadda yadda yadda) But the dream can be better than the reality, otherwise so many wouldn’t lose a bunch of weight only to gain it back.
I still have to learn how to be more confident in myself, more sure of myself, less nervous, less awkward around people, less indecisive… etc. I still have to learn how to live better and be happier with myself. I am flustered with myself because I write about all this stuff, but still am only putting effort into working out and fitness.
writing, etsy shop, metaphysical healing, my relationships, norwex, workouts, nutrition, finding a job during the week, saving money for the move, picking where to live THESE are all the things I should be thinking about
What I think about mostly: workouts, nutrition, my relationships, And then I spend a lot of time worrying or putting off everything else. Makin’ excuses. That’s me. Indecisive and always daydreaming about something new or what I should try next. Where is my commitment to myself? Where? I want to be gentle with myself, and give myself time, but the relative idleness needs to stop. I’ve got to buckle down and pour my heart and energy into things. I’ve spent enough time in limbo land. I need to rejoin the living.
metaphysical healing, norwex, workouts, nutrition, relationships, etsy, writing, saving money for the move, finding a job
maybe if I type the list enough times I’ll start putting more effort into ALL the areas of my life instead of just some of them. Double sigh. I feel like I need so much help, and I am not entirely sure how to get it. I have to act. This is the year for changes and finally getting to know myself. I just wish I didn’t feel so uncertain, hesitant, and scared about it.