It rained like piss from the heaven’s here alllllllll weekend, thus effectively pooing all over our plans for snowshoeing. Oh, weather, why have you shat upon my dreams of enjoying a winter sport? Why? Today the temperature dropped again, and a light snow fell onto the slushy remains of the recent snowfall that led to me snapping my lower spine in twain injuring myself while shoveling. It is supposed to snow some tomorrow too, so maybe something will collect and we may still be able to strap snowshoes to our feet…
Even if there’s no more chances for clomping about in a wintery tundra, me and my jiggles and winter pale skin are in desperate need of outdoor time. I get so dark in the summer, and then winter rolls around and I fade until I’m the color of a fish belly. Fish belly does not favor me. The bloated fish belly look is even sadder. It’s like, The Notebook, sad, guys. I plan on getting in some birding (my first of the year!) this week as an excuse to stretch these stems of mine, and allow my winter skin to get some sunshine. I prefer to be a tanned flubster over a pale one.
Speaking of bloated fish bellies (I know, how did I turn that into a segway?), this morning I was hella relieved because I finally got my period. She decided to be a doll and be about five days late (totally abnormal for me) and the whole experience left me pleading for mercy. I’ve been bloated up in a water ballon esque fashion for all that time, and then today the dam broke. Thank you, sweet merciful god of ovaries and womb. Brutus the Uterus cramped up a lot today, but I couldn’t even stay mad simply because I was so overjoyed that in another day or so my tummy bits will no longer be puffed up like a fucking blowfish. It’s the little things in life, gang, that make me sing on the inside. The ballad of the day is “Hallelujah, soon I won’t be puffed up like a fucking blowfish.” Sing it loud and sing it proud.
Today I was reading something or other on some site or other (yup, my memory is like a friggin’ elephant’s. no, wait. I ended up with a goldfish’s memory and an elephant’s ass!) that said “If you burn 100 extra calories a day you will lose ten pounds in one year. 200 will burn 20 pounds off, and so on…” I’m not always a skeptic, but I punched the numbers in and did the math, and BY JOVE THEY’RE RIGHT! Making no dietary changes, but simply adding the extra burn off WILL result in a ten pound loss at the end of a year. (provided that I don’t snack up the difference) My recent goal of 400 calories a day was decided upon sort of randomly. I thought 400 seemed a reasonable, and yet not too difficult, number to reach. But now that I’ve read (on some already forgotten site) about the forty pounds of loss that will accumulate if I just keep it up for a year, I am all kinds of pumped and shit. I mean, I was already pumped and happily working out most days, but this information takes it to a new level. 40 pounds is what I need to lose to get to my original goal. Easy peesy, right? Plus, I am making dietary changes as well, so this is definitely something that can be done in a year’s time. Sweet sweet sweet! My newly acquired tidbit of knowledge will keep my nose to the grindstone.
And speaking of noses and grindstones (another segway, I’m on a roll!1 butter me up and slide me out of here!) I am about to do Jillian Michael’s No More Trouble Zones for the first time. I couldn’t motivate myself to do it earlier today because of cramps combined with overwhelming tiredness, but now I can definitely manage. I’ll come back and post some sweaty pics in about fifty minutes.
Alright. I’m back. The warm up and allllll the circuit segments are fifty minutes long, and then there is a five minute cool down at the end. Verdict?
I really wasn’t into the five minute workout. Why, you ask? Well, there are two exercises that I can’t stand, and hate with every wobbly bit of myself, and they are push ups and jumping jacks. I also don’t care for things involving vertical jumps repeatedly. Gimme anything else, and I’ll do it with a shit eating grin, but please no jumping jacks or push ups. Spare me. Mercy! Anyolddamnhow, the warm up had a bunch of stupid jumping jacks and jumps in it. Bleck. But as it was only five minutes long I choked back all my bitching, pissing, and moaning (cause seriously, pissing and workouts don’t mix), sucked it up, and did all the damn bouncing up and down and jumping jacks.
As for the rest of the workout, well, I liked it way better than that damn 30 Day Shred. That thing bored the hell out of me, and I’m not sure why. This workout is much better. Though the whole dvd is nearly an hour long it really shoots by quickly. I sweat buckets, got through most of the exercises with a few modifications, and felt really good afterwards. Success!
…and now I must go watch some Game of Thrones season two