life is good September 30, 2012
Each day I feel more like myself again, and it’s so great. Ever since I had the miscarriage life around here has been so stressful. I felt like I was in survival mode and just doing what I could to stay sane and keep breathing. My attention was so sunk in what was going on with my cousin and her kids that I had a hell of a hard time thinking about much else. I think I couldn’t grieve properly or process what was even going on with me. My brain was pure fog and exhaust, and I truly couldn’t think clearly about anything. I didn’t have the energy to make changes to my nutrition, and I didn’t have the energy to try to fit in workouts, and I didn’t have the energy to figure out what I wanted to do about school/ finding a job/ and sorting out the rest of my life. Every ounce of me was poured into trying to keep calm, and not blow a damn gasket.
I made the best of things and did what I could, but it was pretty hard on me. Now, I know I can’t blame my living situation for everything, but obviously a persons living environment shapes how they function from day to day. I went from 193, eating healthy, losing weight, starting a business, and feeling hopeful and inspired about things to topping out at a peak 215 (it was only during my period, but still), not feeling able to move forward, feeling like a failure, eating a lot of shitty stuff, and generally being filled with a sense of despair. No fucking bueno, crew, no fucking bueno.
If I had a nickle for every time I retreated to my room because I was overwhelmed with a sense of “Is this my life? Cause if the answer is yes I am going to have a damn panic attack” I would have wayyyyy more than ten nickles. Like, I’d probably have way more than twenty nickles and would be well on my way to cashing those nickles in so that I could buy yet another funtastic app to put on the love of my life iPhone.
Starting a myfitnesspal is just one step, but it has been a huge eye opener for me. I’ve been making so many changes to myself and my life that I can’t believe how stuck I was for so long. I feel like I am getting my confidence back, and am ready to move forward into better times and happier days. Ahhhh. I now have a new “thirty days of change” goal. I wish to track on myfitnesspal for thirty days in a row. I also want to get in a workout of some kind for at least forty five minutes for thirty days in a row as well. So can I possibly convince any of my blog buddies to start a myfitnesspal? You don’t have to have an iPhone. Come on, you know you wanna…
Now that I am rolling along I miss the good ole early days of 3fc when jelbelle, pepa, goodnuff and I were always doing or hosting challenges and what not. It seems that we had an easier time keeping up with each other when we were on that site. There are several people I blogged with consistently who have fallen off the face of the internet, and I still wonder about them from time to time. I recently started posting at 3fc again, and also at myfitness pal, because I’ll take all the support I can get. So now I post not only on blogger but on two other sites. Maybe that is goontastic, but whatevs. I’ve been longing for a few really great new blogs to read.
If I am able to stick to myfitnesspal and keep the one pound loss a week steady I will be at my old weight by September first of next year. I believe that after a month or so I am going to start calorie shifting each week to avoid any plateaus. I can bounce around from maintenance, half pound, one pound, one and a half pound, and two pound losses each week, and still make sure that I am dropping four pounds a month or so. I will make sure to be on maintenance the weeks that Thanksgiving and Christmas fall on so that I don’t have to miss the little extras of the holidays. A slice of pumpkin pie slathered with mounds of cool whip is going to be about four hundred calories, but I’m not skipping on the two slices of pie that I generally eat per year. Screw that noise! Thankfully I’ve realized that doing forty five minutes to an hour of aerobics really isn’t a big deal at all, and it gives me five or six hundred extra calories to play around with for the day.
Speaking of workouts, changing my routine every day has been working splendidly. I have around thirty workouts to choose from including: yoga, pilates, strength training, aerobics, hula, bellydance, salsa, and bollywood dance. Never have I been happier to have such a vast array to choose from. Changing what I am doing each morning permits me to keep from overworking certain muscles and getting too sore. I hope that doing so will help my body burn the maximum amount of calories, and prevent me from adapting to my routines and burning less calories.
The end result of the weight loss and fitness regime is exciting to envision, but I feel like getting there is going to be equally as amazing for me. I feel as though I am now fully capable of shedding and shaking off my old self so that I can embrace a me that has a confident place in the world. I am cultivating a love of self that will help me find a career and choose an appropriate and fitting road for myself. This is a neat feeling, and I’m not saddled with my usual amount of trepidation and insecurity. It’s kind of like being eighteen again and going off to college for the first time. Forget that I have attended five different colleges heh heh heh this beginning is the most important one in this moment.
And as far as moving goes, I am hoping that we do not receive foreclosure notice until half way through January. Keep your fingers crossed that it won’t go through for another few months! I have decided that in my heart I wish to be close to all the cousins that I grew up with, so Sarasota is a good choice for the time being. I’d like to move back around mid July (after my family reunion and cousin’s wedding that will be taking place fourth of July weekend here), and itll be more convenient if the foreclosure notice held off a bit longer. Once notice is given we have six months to be out of here, so if it doesn’t come around until Janurary we can move directly from here to Sarasota right at the time we wish to move. I’ll have to get down there to look at apartments and whatnot, so I’ll save money up and plan to stay a couple weeks in June and possibly May. If we can’t find a place we can always move everything down there and put it in storage, because I am sure that my aunts wouldn’t mind us staying at their place for a short time. I feel relieved to have made up my mind about things, because it makes preparation easier.
Tomorrow I am updating my resume, and then I am going to send it off to everyplace that I can think of. And if they don’t call me for interviews then they are damned fools and I don’t want to waste any of my superbly diving energy on the stupid pigs. Just sayin’. I need a large cash flow to fund my adventures and shop expansion, so I best get crackin’.