awwww, fuck it May 31, 2012
Two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it, as the saying goes. All the people that I am in contact with in this ridiculous city of limbo seem to be in crisis. My cousin has been bursting into tears for the last couple of days. She is concerned about finding a place to live that she can afford. God help me. I’m not sure if she’s trying to work on me until I snap and say that we can live together in a different place… I want to be supportive, but I told her that Cubs and I would likely be moving out of the city. Far far far the fuck away. Tonight I heard her crying in her room. I told her it would work out all right, but I don’t know what else to say.
Sparks is currently getting pissed at me every other day, because of some nonsense that doesn’t even make sense. Apparently if I invite her to do something with us when I am already doing it, well, it upsets her. Wha?
My mother is considering leaving my stepfather. I’m just waiting for her to suggest that we get a place together. BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, that would never happen. I think I’d rather poke out my eyesies.
I had a wee flip out moment today, because I’ve had a “stress” stomach ache for the past few days, and it totally blows.
My weight is up several more pounds, and I know this because I thought that it would be a super great idea to weigh myself today even though I was already in a crummy mood. Ug. Bad bad idea.
Jewlz commented on my last blog, and it really got me thinking. She said that it seems that I wish to lose weight stress free from maintenance mode. That is spot on correct, and I am wondering if I am just kidding myself. And I thank Jewlz for mentioning it, because it seems my head might be off in La-La -Land. Yeah, it’s true that I want to be cured of my food crazies, and not just lose weight, but I don’t want to gain weight either. This really couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Honestly, I think that it is stress more than anything because my eating hasn’t been too bad. What really sucks is that I’ve been working out a lot and staying active, and I gained weight anyway. I don’t look heavier. I look like I have more tone. Couldn’t I at least have maintained so that I wouldn’t flip out?
So I think I’m going to detox ten pounds away so that I can be under 200 again, because I can’t stand the extra flab in my face. Anything over 193 is just too damned much, and I have no business weighing more than that amount anyway. Cripes. I think I’ll do about ten days of the rice diet, and then do a salad, veggie, and grilled chicken spiel for another ten days or so. I have gone from being secure that I could slowly lose weight without a huge hassle to completely freaking out because I gained a little. Sigh. This is the crazy flusters, for sure, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier.
So, yes, I’m going to diet even after swearing to myself that I wasn’t going to do that stuff any more. I will keep reading my books and doing the affirmations, and stay conscious to avoid binges after I stop dieting.
I am so annoyed with myself right now though. I go back and forth and rollercoaster so bloody much that I feel like a fool. I don’t know how anybody could read my blog and not end up thinking that I am a flippin’ psycho.