a touch of the holiday blues? December 9, 2011
Yesterday I responded to a comment that munchberry left on my “don’t hold back” post. I was telling her that my weight has caused me to skip (multiple) Thanksgivings at a certain aunt’s house. I spent Thanksgiving with my boyfriend’s family this year just because it gave me a good excuse not to go to my aunt’s and feel like an awkward, fatty mcfailure. Yup. True story. And you wanna know something else? I also plan on skipping Christmas over there this year as well. I suppose this is stupid of me, seeing as how I have been away in Florida for a year, and should probably stop by and all, but I’m just not going to do it. I feel too vulnerable and fragile, and I honestly don’t want to talk about what’s going on in my life with anybody who isn’t going to be positive and supportive.
I’m twenty eight. I moved away from Florida without finishing school. Yes. That is correct. I have attended four different colleges. I still haven’t finished school, and in my family when you don’t have at least a master’s you are a second class citizen. I am of course exaggerating with that last statement, but that’s kinda how I have always felt about it. I don’t make enough money to fully support myself, and the things I am focused on at the moment aren’t traditional “job” type jobs. I also now live with one of the black sheep of the family, and her banana sandwiches ten year old who pees his pants pretty much every day at least once, and throws tantrums like a two year old. (Don’t misinterpret me here; I love my cousin, but a lot of my family doesn’t know her very well, find her odd, and disapprove of some of the choices that she has made) Oh yeah, and I still happen to be by society’s standards a fucking heifer. (It is commonly agreed upon that I am quite pretty and attractive, but am oh-so-sadly-overweight)
Progress has been made, sure, but I can’t describe such changes at a brief family function in semi-hostile waters. It’s sad that I am admitting it, but if I had lost more weight the year that I lived in Florida I would likely be ok with showing up at my aunt’s this Christmas. Hey, look at me, I have obviously lost quite a bit of weight and that is physical proof that I have been doing something and improving myself. See. Ta-da. Good game, everybody.
I want unwavering support or I want to be left the hell alone. I don’t have brass ovaries large enough to just breeze in and say the following things: “I don’t know what I am going to do about school, so it’s just on hold right now, and I am mostly ok with that. Oh, and I have decided that selling crystals, doing metaphysical healing, trying to publish a children’s book, and singing in a band are more important to me right now than school. These are things that I have wanted to do for a long time, but I was always too scared to try to do. Isn’t dream chasing more important that having a steady job with benefits?”
I’ve been thinking about all of that stuff non stop since yesterday, and it has me worked up into a frazzle. I went to bed at ten thirty and slept for two hours, and have been up ever since fretting over this and that. It is now nearly six in the morning, and I thought that getting some of this rubbish into a blog would help me out a little.
I am not sure if it is helping.
Since I couldn’t sleep, I listened to my guided imagery two times in a row, and then listened to the affirmations. After that I was in bed, with my eyes shut, repeating my personal mantra (normally reserved for aerobics sessions) over and over. I am beautiful, I am confident, I am strong. Rinse. Repeat.
I’m going to keep plugging away and hope that I make enough sales and get enough clients to keep going with my plans. I won’t give up on myself or abandon the things that I desire most.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.