bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

distracted October 19, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 5:33 pm

Song of the day: Remove Head From Ass - that isn’t a real song, but it should be, so I am going to write it

I am not on track at all.

The wind blows and I am suddenly distracted.  What?  Is that a leaf passing by the window?  Maybe I should walk out there and… ooh, I think I see a squirrel (!), was I going to work out?  What am I doing here?

I need to find some inner quiet.  I need peaceful meditation and calm waters.  I need somebody to whack me with a spatula on the ass and tell me to focus and get my priorities straight.  If a spatula doesn’t work perhaps a cast iron pan will do the trick.

Too many new things are going on all at once and I find myself floundering.  I have to anchor myself in something familiar and stable.  Tomorrow is “takin’ care of business day” and I will elaborate a bit more on that later.  Friday I am going to the museum of Science and Industry with Chris, and I want to get a lot done on Thursday before the weekend claims my brain.

I need some clear leaf bags.  There is a drift of autumn leaves that is rapidly consuming the back walkway.

I am swinging by my friend’s shop tomorrow to see if she has money for me (probably does) for the skirts I was selling at her store.  I am also hoping that she will be interested in carrying my crystals in her shop.  I am sure that she will be as the holiday season is looming around the corner.  I have her store, and three other places to check out, so hopefully I can get all of that done tomorrow.  I’m not entirely sure why I’ve been dragging my feet with that since I have been home.

another subject-

We have four crock pots in the house, and I’ve decided to start using them like crazy so that we can get dinner on the table by six thirty every night.  I picked a bunch of interesting recipes to try (you can literally cook just about anything in a crock pot) and threw one together a bit ago so I can start it in the morning.  I love being able to get the next day’s dinner prepared in the evening; I just prepare it in the stoneware and leave it ready in the fridge.  Then I can take it out and set it on low for eight to ten hours.  What isn’t to like about that?

Today is was rainy and windy and cold.  I read.  I perused recipes.  I did the dishes.  I feel off today, and sorta weird.  I played some monster game on super nintendo with Nevis and we beat the final boss.  Oh yeah, what an achievement!

 

detox day! yay yay yay! October 17, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:39 pm

I haven’t posted in over a week, because I’ve been busy with adjusting to life with an eight and nine year old boy in the house, and trying to finish up all the stuff with the house.  Nearly everything has been cleaned and organized, but I still have to clean out and reorganize both of the downstairs closets in the front living room.  One has been converted to a pantry, but the bottom half of it needs to be cleared out so that one more large shelf can be put into it.  The other closet has been shoved full of items that I was trying to get out of the way whilst cleaning up all the other rooms.  Yep.  That’s how I roll when I am cleaning on a massive scale.  All the things I can’t decide what to do with just yet get lumped into a pile someplace.  In this instance I choose the closet for my “wasteland” area.

The first week living with my cousin and her boys was pretty hectic, but also fun.  I’ve been doing dishes twice a day (my cousin has never been great at keeping up with dishes, but I CAN’T STAND a sink full of dishes) to keep up with keeping the kitchen tidy, so it’s a good thing that washing dishes is my favorite chore.  (I know, I know, I am a psychopath because I love washin’ dishes)  We are taking turns with dinner, and I must admit that I’m really enjoying having people to cook for.

Things I Like About My New Living Companions :  It’s great having my cousin in the house to chat with, I like that there is another adult around to help me with the chores, All the grocery bills are shared as are the groceries (I don’t like it when groceries aren’t shared- it annoys me), It has been fun doing meal planning, Lali really loves it that Nevis plays with her all the time, Having other people in the house keeps me more motivated

Things That Need Work : My cousin moved in a lot of junky food with her- she keeps oreos, cheese nips, ice cream, chips, soda, pizza rolls, hot pockets, juice, etc. around “for the kids.”  Ever notice how common it is for women with weight issues to blame some of it on their kids?  Ya know, as if they simply have to feed their young children garbage?  THANK GOD my cousin doesn’t do that!  Her boys get good meals for dinner most of the time, and the snackier stuff gets eaten on the weekends.  The two of us were talking about cutting out a lot of the garbagey stuff from our grocery shopping trips, because neither one of us have much money anyway.  I think that juice, chips, cookies, frozen processed foods, ice cream, and soda don’t ever need to be kept in the house on a regular basis regardless of whether or not a person has kids, but that’s just my opinion.  My cousin and I decided that we will do one special dessert (something home made) night a week on Fridays.

That is pretty much the only issue I have at all with my new living arrangement, and I think by November all of it will be worked out pretty well. The older boy, Tyler, has some behavioral/learning issues that need some attention, but I feel like that will get better with a little time as well.  He will benefit a lot by having more stability, and a couple more positive adult influences in his life.  I could fill up a whole blog about that subject, but I will save it for another time.  There is a lot of back story involved.

I am starting a detox this evening (as of five p.m.) that will extend through Tuesday, and possibly even Wednesday and Thursday depending on how I am feeling about it.  I want to flush my system for at least one day, because I have been eating so poorly for most of the last six weeks that I have been back in Wisconsin.  The last week has been better as far as getting in healthy foods, but I was still sneaking in too much junky stuff that I normally don’t eat.  I intend to do the master cleanse every Monday, and wish for this to be a permanent change to my weekly routine.  I am a big believer in the health benefits of fasting, and think that a one day fast every week will do a lot to improve my health and energy level overall.

Jecca is excited to start working out in the mornings, and hopefully we will begin doing morning workouts together this week.  I am sure that it will take a couple of weeks to really drill the schedule and routine into our heads, but I am confident that by November we can get in at least four morning workouts a week.  She needs to get a pair of two or three pound hand weights to do the twenty two minute upper body workout that I like, (it’s on you tube “pilates upper body sculpting”) but we can do Jane Fonda together.

Friday Chris came over for dinner, and he ended up staying until Sunday afternoon (had to go home for a meeting).  I will keep my crushy ramblings to a minimum if possible.  On Saturday I made him waffles (first time that I have EVER made waffles) with the waffle attachment for my George Foreman grill.  Since it was my maiden waffle voyage I decided to google some pointers on how to make waffles with a George Foreman grill, and I am glad that I did.  The Foreman makes awesome waffles, though they are very large and one is enough for a normal human.  The first pair of waffles that I made I gave to Tyler, and I totally wasn’t thinking about portion size at all.  I plopped both humongous waffles onto a plate and handed them to him.  One of those waffles is practically the size of a notebook.  You could use a George Foreman waffle as a plate for healthier breakfast items.  For realsies!  Tyler picked apart both, but collectively only ate one waffle.  Thank jeepers that Lali is around to suck up any and all leftovers.  She got a waffle and a half for breakfast, and her little tummy was pooching out all ridiculous-like. The pup has been getting soooo many leftovers lately that many days she won’t eat any dog food.  Don’t worry, she gets a healthy balance of leftover salad, veggies, potatoes, pastas, and bits of meat; she doesn’t only receive syrupy waffles.  (I’d love to be making the kind of money I used to have back in the days when I made all the pet food myself)

Out of the blue Chris decided that we should go to Toys ‘R’  Us on Saturday.  We discussed lazer tag, Nerf guns, and gaming systems in great depth, and laughed like hyenas while goofing around with the toys.  We ended up going to the mall, having dinner, and then renting a couple of movies.  Did you guys know that there is a movie called “Sharktopus”?  Well, there is.  Allow me to change your lives forever with this incredibly hilarious picture of a sharktopus.  Prepare to have your brainship wrecked by a wave of awesome!!

<——-Ah, yes, here be the mighty man eating beastie

So we couldn’t rent the inevitably awful horror movie “Sharktopus” because some other clown had rented the terrible thing, but we did rent a movie called “Rogue” (mainly because Radha Mitchell is in it, and I really like her) with a killer crocodile nom nom noming down tourists.  We determined that a sequel should be made combining both movie themes, and it would be called “Sharktopus vs. Octodile.”  Yes.  That is how I spend Saturday nights sometimes.  Go ahead and pretend not to be jealous.  Ha ha.

On Sunday I made french toast for Chris, and he was puzzled when I did not make any for myself.  I smiled and told him it was time for me to draw the line and get back to my normal eating habits.  For breakfast I normally have a greek yogurt (or a boiled egg), one piece of whole wheat high fiber bread, and grilled or steamed vegetables leftover from dinner the night before.  If I am ravenous I might throw in an apple or a banana.  Honestly, I am not crazy about pancakes, waffles, and french toast, so I have no problem not eating them, but I was having cheesy omelettes a tad too frequently…  Since the fella prefers pancakes, waffles, and french toast over the breakfast foods that I like (eggs over easy, biscuits and gravy, omelettes with lots of cheese and onions, chicken fried steak) I will make him the sugary stuff and stick to my plain and boring breakfasts.  Dang it though - that guy can eat like a horse and stay all trim.  No fricken fair, Kenny Rogers.  No fricken fair.

 

clutter crazy October 8, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:45 pm
I just watched my cat scarf down a mouse.  Yum.  He showed it to me (offering me a nibble?) after he had eaten the lower half and its entrails were spilling out.  What a pal.  Have I written about Pipkin ever?  He is halfway through his seventeenth year, but he decided to stop aging many years back.  Raw mouse and bunny guts must keep a fella youthful.
Every room in the house is still cluttered, but my cousin and I got a lot done today.  We had to reorganize the entire kitchen, and that took a while.  I am almost done putting everything away in my room.  Le sigh.  I have reached the point where I need to get everything finished or spiral into madness.  Tomorrow I will finish my room and then set up my sewing table and craft area, and I also need to reorganize (throw stuff out!) both of the downstairs closets.  My guess is that the two of us should have the house back in order by tomorrow night, and it’ll be a relief.  I don’t focus well when my house is a shit storm of clutter.  As soon as I got my downstairs clutter cleared up it was replaced with all of my cousin’s stuff.  Bother!  I can’t wait until everything is put away and organized.

I was ovulating today, so let me tell you- unpacking and organizing was seriously the last thing on my mind.  What a dullsville weekend.  Ug.

 

screwin’ and movin’ stuff October 7, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 11:26 pm

My last post left me bluesey, but my day got much better after I wrote my blog.  I took a nap, and then worked out, and felt tons better.  That night I also drove out to Antioch to see my fella.  He ended up crashing at my house for two nights & we had lots and lots of fun, and lots and lots of sex.

I started this blog right around the time that I decided to give up sex and men for a year, so you lucky peoples have never had to listen to me carry on and on and on about one of my favorite hobbies.  Sex: America’s favorite pastime.  Or, wait… maybe that is tv.  I dunno.  I hate television, but dang do I like screwing.  Perhaps I was a jackrabbit in a past life.

I am half tempted to go into graphic detail about the fuck-a-thons that I have been having, but I am exhausted and can’t write for too much longer.  Scandalous!  Plus I don’t want to make anybody toss their cookies.

We went to a great place called Hawthorn Hollow that I have been going to since I was an itty bitty kid, and we played with some of his cameras.  I got it real bad for this one, gang.  Real real bad.  If I screw this up the game is seriously over.  I like him so much that I made him french toast in the morning.  Yup.  You should see this guy eat though.  It’s ri-cock-ulous.  He is tall and thin and muscular, and can eat six bears in one sitting.  Some people get all the good genes.  I got the wiggly genes and the marshmallow genes, tee hee hee.  At least I’m still a sexy goddess… I kinda have that down to a science.  ;)

I want to keep gushing all over the place, but I am getting more and more sleepy.

I helped my cousin move in alllll day and alllll evening.  Remember how I was organizing my house and all of my stuff?  Well, it was almost back in order, but NOT ANY MORE.  Lol.  Now her stuff is EVERYWHERE.  We are going to spend the rest of the weekend putting everything away and reorganizing the kitchen and the closets, so hopefully by Monday everything will be done.

bloggy buddy corner

@ munchberry - I have tried explaining “rules” to my dad, but he gets pretty defensive.  I really just have to enforce the rules for myself, and then he won’t have much of a choice in the matter.

After I posted that whale/mermaid thing I was looking at that picture again and thinking that she is probably a fourteen and not a twelve.  Goodness goddess!  When I get my printer/scanner and everything hooked up I will have to scan and post this awesome picture that I tore out of a magazine once.  I keep it on the fridge, and it is a group of plus sized models that are all gorgeous.

I don’t think I could forget how amazing Chris is.  Lucky for me I’ve had plenty of crummy boyfriends, because it has helped me appreciate what a fortuitous match I have made with this one.  I know how mean and cruel some people can get.  I have been through hard times, and I thought that I deserved to be punished, so I found somebody who would play that role for me.  Sad, but unfortunately true.  This guy is so gentle, and good, and he listens to every word that comes out of my mouth.  It’s flippin’ amazing.  I’m not used to anybody looking after me.

@goodnuff - LMAO!  Not the trippy mushroom kind- the kind he likes the most are called miatake, and they grow at the base of old oak trees.  They can’t really be cultivated at all because they prefer old oaks that are half deadish, so if you want fresh ones you have to hunt for them in September and October.  They are very tasty, sort of nutty tasting, and have all these wonderful health benefits.  I’d like to find some to dehydrate.  I recommend that you find some hobbies pronto!  Hobbies make people appreciate life more!

@ misscatty - Thanks for the advice.  Everything you mentioned is stuff that I have been realizing since I have moved back to Wisconsin.  He doesn’t always get the choices that I make, and has a terrible habit of critiquing and criticizing everything.  But I know that, and therefore it is my responsibility to not continue to chase after approval when I can predict exactly how things are going to turn out.  I can’t expect my father to magically change his personality overnight.  We actually are quite close, but it has been extraordinarily difficult since I have moved back.  I am financially wrecked right now, and he wants me to get back into school right away.  He also thinks that doing craft fairs is a waste of time, and that I won’t make any money.  I’ve just decided that I’m not going to talk about any of that crap with him any more.  The guy makes my fuckin’ brain hurt sometimes.  Example: The other day I filled out an application online for a Quest card because I am so broke right now that I don’t have much money for groceries.  He made negative comments about that, and I couldn’t even figure it out.  I’ve been having to borrow money from him to pay for groceries.  Now that I qualify for about 200 a month I won’t have to do that, so I would think that would make him happy.  Nope.  He’s just a jackass sometimes.

My mom never told me I was beautiful.  She didn’t want me to be beautiful because she thought if I was pretty I’d be molested and raped and god knows what else.  I get it now, and I am finally really starting to heal from all of my childhood garbage.  It’s tough though.

@jitterfish - Let us go and be dolphins together! Lol!

I understand that my mom did the best she could with the resources that she had, but it has taken me a lot of work, and I know that there is still more to do, and I haven’t fully forgiven either one of my parents yet.  To say that I have would be a big ole lie!  I also know that there are a lot of good things that I remember about my childhood too.  It wasn’t all hell.

@ beerab - I am glad that you liked the post.  I honestly didn’t see any negative comments about her weight, but I didn’t go through all the comments.  I only saw the first ones and they were all really positive.  Many people don’t understand that every person has a natural body size, and that to force yourself to be thinner than that size is just as unhealthy as being overweight.  Americans are noted for being terribly bright or educated.  Lol.

@fatgirlwearingthin - Thank you for the support.  I was feeling so low that morning that my whole chest hurt.  It was so bad that I decided to go back to bed, and that helped a ton.  Nothing beats the blues like a long nap!  I turned twenty eight in August, and it’s high time that I stopped wanting so much approval from my father.  I don’t seek approval from my mother, but I seriously crave it from my dad, and it just doesn’t always work out the way that I want it to.  He’s not a bad person, but he just doesn’t get me and I can’t expect him to be anything other than what he is.  Since childhood I have been repeating the same mistakes with him over and over and over, and it’s about time that I knock it off.

I still have anger, bitterness, and resentment towards both of my parents, but it falls away a few scales at a time.  Maybe I should say a few pounds at a time.  ;)

 

the mermaid and the whale October 5, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 2:42 pm

French model Tara Lynn (I believe she is a size 12)

*a friend of mine reposted this pic and story on facebook and I wanted to share it with you guys*

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defends and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?! “

 

early morning contemplations October 3, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:27 am

I’ve been waking up at six thirty every morning.  I am going to make a point of managing my morning time better.  And by that, I mean I am going to get back to working out the second that I wake up.  Keep it simple, stupid- get your ass out of bed and do your Winsor pilates upper body sculpting and your old school Jane Fonda.  My body responds so quickly to both of those workouts.  I do them twice and there is a visible difference.  In three months my body would be right back to where it was before I gained the weight.  And yet I still cling to extra flub like a fearful goontard.  What holds me back from just dropping the thirty five pounds that is keeping me away from my old size?

I am still battling with a fear of being truly seen and heard in the world.  It is funny to type that, because that has been both my strongest desire and biggest fear over my entire lifespan.  I was taught to fear what I longed for the most, because as a child when I was “seen and heard” I was heavily criticized.  There were no glowing moments of praise for all that I had done well, but only curt reminders of every failing and every last thing that could have been done differently or “better”.  I programmed a tiny and like minded judge into my own poor brain, and I’ve never fully been able to curb stomp that mother fucker out of my mind.  Any thoughts or suggestions as to how I can do this?

MY progress seems so slow some days.  My house is getting more organized little by little, so are my relationships, so is the rest of life, but I can’t shake the feeling that I should move faster.  I ought to be able to open my eyes and scream EUREKA and never have to revisit scars from my past again.  The transformation should complete itself in ten… nine… eight… seven…

I wanted to write about how deeply my father’s behavior has affected me over the last five years, but I think it is too ouchy a subject for me at the moment.  My dad and I have historically been very close, and it cuts me to the quick to have to admit that he is the person in my life who understands me the least right now.  True story.  He doesn’t get what I am doing at all.  He has been critical and negative and moody whenever I want to talk about something, and I end up getting so upset that I have to flee.  He says things about me that aren’t true.  His communication skills are lousy, and when he disagrees with something all he knows how to do is be negative and mean like a punk ass kid.  Writing that makes me feel such a dreadful mixture of anxiety, depression, and anger that I kinda want to smash a chair through a bay window or something.  I’d like to ball my fists up and punch holes in the drywall and scream “HEY, YOU FUCKER!  YOU CAN’T SEE ME AT ALL!!!”

Le sigh.  A lot of this stuff I have known for a very long time, and yet I repeat the same mistakes over and over.  If I am excited about new ideas or ventures I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THEM with my dad.  He will fill me with self doubt until I am too scared to try anything.  I know that, and that’s why I haven’t mentioned that I am throwing a band together to him at all.  Yipes, at least I have the sense not to do that.  He would start rattling off reasons why it would never work, and my time would better be spent doing blah blah blah blah, and I have enough social activities and hobbies, and why add another one when I could focus and improve on the others, and yadda yadda yadda, and sure you have an amazing voice but so do a lot of other people, and then he would finish by saying that it didn’t matter what I did he would be happy.  And then comes the part when I am feeling like shit and confused, and thinking that I fuck everything up anyway so maybe he is right, and then he suggests we go and get dinner.  Yep.  That is how it goes.  Kinda sick shit, right?

I am looking for support.  I do not get it.  The person I want emotional support from offers me a meal at a restaurant instead.  That is the cycle that my parents started when I was but a wee lass, and my dad has never broken that habit.  I take the food as a replacement for what I really want.  I tell myself, at least they are giving me something.  Unfortunately it is the wrong something, and every part of me knows it.  I keep eating, trying to fill an emotional void with a physical substance.  It doesn’t work and it never will.

So lately I feel ravenous more frequently.  Every time my dad is in town and home we get into some kind of argument, or we get into some conversation that ends up with me feeling horrible and shitty.  Enough is enough.  Today I have decided that I am not entering a restaurant with him for the next two months.  I will permit an exception to this rule if we have outside family in town and everybody is going to meet up someplace for dinner or whatever.  I have also decided that I will not engage in ANY kind of serious conversation with him.  I am not going to talk about school, my relationships, my intentions to receive treatments from a healer we know (that is the conversation that spurred the last awful encounter), my decision to sing in a band, my etsy shop or crystals, my sessions with clients, or pretty much anything else that is seriously important to me.  No, no, no, and no.

This post is totally bumming me out.  There is this little girl who wants approval, and support, and to be patted on the head, and she’s sitting on a stump, and dangling her feet, and waiting for these things.  The person she wants them from isn’t capable of giving them, but she keeps dangling anyway, regardless of the consequences.  She can get approval and support from herself, and she can get it from others, so why is it so important to receive it from one particular person?

Bollocks.  I am going to go and read.  I’ve worked myself into a chest-achey-mess.

 

what my mother told me October 2, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 3:28 pm

song of the day - All Of My Days - Alexi Murdoch (love love love)

part one - prepare for sappy crap

Before I get into the serious part of my post, please enjoy some long winded and unending brief (I’ll try, I swear I will) mushy gushy make your gag reflex kick in musings about my fella.  So Chris had drill this weekend with Mikey (the friend of mine who introduced us) and the rest of the fun folk that I’ve met through my friend since I have been home.  Generally, when Chris is there he is pretty quiet, so quiet in fact that whenever he speaks everybody else shuts up to hear what he has to say.  (I think this is adorable by the way.  Yeah, go and grab your puke bucket)  So, anywhoozles, Mikey was encouraging everybody to give quiet, reserved, shy, lovely, Chris a hard time about having a new gal pal.  And everybody kinda followed suit and did so.  They told me all of this when I met them after drill at a sushi place near my house.  He said he felt so silly and embarrassed because even his sergeant came up to him at one point and was like, “Hey, so I hear you have a girlfriend.”

Why is this noteworthy, you ask?  Because he’s telling people that I’m his girlfriend!!! WOOT!  That’s right, friends and neighbors, once you hit this bitch you just can’t get enough.  My cookie jar is full of tasty, addictive, saccharine dreaminess.  Tee hee hee.  I know I’m bragging, but he is slowly destroying me for other men anyhow.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when I felt like that about anybody.  I fuckin’ love men and all, but I kinda been a little wild mostly, and mastered what I refer to as “the three night stand.”  Oh, these are interesting developments…

So last night we hung out, and even though he was all tired he went out to meet my cousin, Jecca, and a couple of my other friends.  Those clowns gave me a hard time before we went home, telling me not to keep him awake because he had to get up early.  Yeah.  What a bunch of JUDASES! But he thought it was funny, and it kinda was.  They know how I roll.  *wink wink*  And then we got home, and I was like, “Ok, let’s go to bed, I don’t want to make you stay up any later,” and he wasn’t having it.  Uh-huh.  He’s the one who got all playful and frisky.  Everybody is always blaming me when I am a total innocent bystander.  I try to put a lid on the cookie jar, and *ahem* somebody comes along and knocks the damn thing off.  Life is tough, ain’t it?

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

As I mentioned the other day, I hung out with my mom on Thursday.  We had lunch at Olive garden (soup and salad) and then had a blast shopping at Target.  Sometimes I dress as though I am homeless; I wear sweat pants and sleepy time t-shirts in public and occasionally to Karaoke (tee hee hee) to keep myself humble.  However, I have a sharp eye for style, and am very good at choosing clothing and colors/styles for other people.  I am a visual critter, and there’s no denying it.  Anywhoozles, mum isn’t the greatest at blending colors and she isn’t up to speed with style.  She also hates clothing shopping because she isn’t good at eyeing something and instinctively knowing if it will suit her body shape.  The woman wears way too much black because she is unsure of how to blend colors.  It’s kinda funny.  So we went into Super Target and I went nuts throwing all kinds of things into the cart for her and myself to try on.  “Oh, but I hate trying on clothing,” she pissed and whined like a bitch in heat.  I told her to suck it, and that I was turning that all around single handedly in one afternoon.  I had her laughing so hard in the store that people were totally staring at us.  Folks like shopping with me for several reasons: #1) I am NOT the voice of reason.  When you say out loud, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t waste money on this.”  I am right there patting your shoulder and telling you that perhaps you ought to buy it in two in different colors.  #2) I will throw on large ugly shirts over my own clothing in the isles and make faces to keep things entertaining  #3) I am fuckin’ ridiculous, and my high level of mirth is contagious.  Sooooooo, I talked her into buying this adorable black hat, a gorgeous honey brown sweater with two fat black buttons that she can wear over whatever, a flowey blue shirt with shiny sequins that looked fricken smokin’ on her, and a new purse that was simply screaming her name.  Oh, and I got a new jacket, a sweater, a shirt, and a grey sweater dress.  Good bye one hundred twenty five dollars that I do not have.

Oh, wait, hold the heck onto the reigns for a second.  Wasn’t I supposed to be telling y’all about a conversation that I had that has completely shifted my perspective on my mother and my childhood?  Oh, yeah.  Forgot about that cause I was shootin’ the shit about a shopping excursion.  Back to BIDNESS.

Back story for those who don’t remember/know : I was hella neglected as a child.  Nobody paid much attention to me, and my mother DID NOT teach me how to be a girl.  I seriously have embarrassing stories about needing friends to tell me to start wearing a bra/ etc.  I wore all men’s clothing starting in the seventh grade and kept that trend going until right after I graduated highschool, and lost forty pounds, and realized bein’ a girl was pretty awesome.  I was raised like a little boy, and food obsession was encouraged.  I always assumed this was because my mum was a little self centered and vain, and did not want a pretty daughter to compete with.  I think this still came into play somewhat, but now I have some new info…

Perhaps her mood was extra good because we had a very nice lunch, and a super fun shopping trip.  I don’t know and I don’t care.  After we got home and were talking she brought up the neglect of my childhood, and how she didn’t teach me how to dress properly or do girl things or any of that shite.  She told me that when she was a very young child men were always telling her how pretty she was, and then they would manage to get her alone and do ultra sick shit to her.  I knew that she had been molested as a child (by at least one uncle), but I never knew how bad.  She told me she was abused by nearly EVERY man she came into contact with as a young girl.  She said that she never wanted those things to happen to me, so permitting (encouraging) me to be awkward and overweight was her way of protecting me.  She didn’t realize at the time that her protection was destroying my little child’s heart, but in a very different way.  She was just trying to keep me safe, and that was her way of doing it.  My mom had me when she was young- she didn’t have mountains of resources or knowledge about child rearing.  She tried.  I remember her attitude towards me got very different when I turned about six.

So yeah.  Wow.  I don’t know what else to write.  I was in such a state of elation and happiness when she told me this stuff that I don’t think it really sank in.  And since then I have been busy and haven’t had much time to revisit it.  It sure as hell is sinking in right now.  I’m crying, and trying to type, and I feel so lucky and blessed for every part of my silly life.  I am blessed because I was born into dysfunction and have used it to my advantage.  I claimed my agony and injuries and decided to turn them into a field of daisies.  If I hadn’t been so wounded I never would have learned metaphysical healing.  If I hadn’t been so ignored I never would have learned to observe- to watch and watch and figure out why people behaved the way that they did.  If I hadn’t hated being a girl/ woman as much as I did I would not be able to appreciate it as much as I do now.  I am a woman.  We are women.  We can take our pain and turn it into something beautiful, which is the gift of creation that has been given to all women.   At least now I can see the base of my early destruction, and I can understand it.  My wounds can bleed until they are clean.

I feel very blessed that I have all of you to share this with as well.  It means so much to me that even though we have never met (and perhaps we never will) you have all supported and comforted me with your comments.  We have read each others’ blogs, commiserated, and exchanged tips.  We’ve laughed at each others nonsense, and cried over revealing posts.  This blog has been an integral tool for my healing, and I really am grateful that all of us found each other.

Have a bitchin’ week, ladies.  I got nothin’ but love for ya.

 

sicky time October 1, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 9:13 am

There are tiny demons in my sinuses.  Yesterday I got feverish and had rivers of snot coming out of my nose.  Gross and a half.  I took oodles of vitamins and went to bed at seven pm.  I slept until six a.m. and then decided to go back to sleep until ten.  I am still stuffy and fuzzy (wayyyyyy better than yesterday), but am about to get to unpacking and cleaning anyway.  I had planned on doing it yesterday, but felt weak and ravenous so as a result got nothing done.

My body is sending me a warning.  Lol.  Stop feeding me garbage, and being a lazy SOB.

I actually now have two stories to tell y’all.  One has to do with a conversation that I had with my mother on Thursday, and the other involves an incident with my father that triggered insatiable bottomless pit style hunger that happened Friday morning.  I am tempted to write about them both right now, but am afraid that if I do that I will lose motivation to clean and unpack more stuff.  Sooooooo, hate to leave the cliff hangers, but I’m gonna have to for now.