what the what? June 29, 2011
I wasn’t going to post anything today because I have been packing up my suitcase and getting last minute things done before I go pick my mom up from the airport… but…
I WEIGHED MYSELF TODAY AND I AM AT 197!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I have finally broken the barrier, and damned if I’m not feeling super rad about it. It has been a superb week for me. I read a book called Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnston, and I recommend it for all of you gals out there. Several parts of it actually had me sobbing. It’s an interesting book because she uses myths and stories to help people change their relationship with food. It would be a fantastic book for anybody with an eating disorder- binge eaters, bulimics and anorexics would all benefit a lot. As I was reading it I kept a notebook nearby so that I could write down sudden thoughts and feelings. I’d really love to reread it, but I’ll have to order another copy because I want to give it to my mom before she goes home.
I also had the urge to binge BIGTIME two days in a row. It was funny, because I was rereading When Food Is Love (so I can give that one to mom too) as I was having my binge urges. I had to go to the grocery store also, but for whatever reason the feelings weren’t making me panic. I picked up a publix sandwich for dinner on Monday night, and was planning on eating the whole damn thing. I also intended to get an order of popcorn chicken (a small one, but still). Well, I kept thinking about why I was feeling like I wanted to binge. I knew the reasons. I was feeling lonely, kinda frisky, and unsure about my future. The choices that I need to make in the next couple of months were seeming so big, and I was feeling about six years old. Instead of blaming and hating myself I thought that I would just indulge… So you want to binge for comfort? Fine. Let’s do that. Nothing is forbidden anymore, and you can pick yourself right back up tomorrow. I am aware of what I am doing, and why I am doing it. I won’t make myself starve tomorrow, and I won’t beat myself up.
So it was kinda late as the woman was making my sandwich, and I was thinking that I was lucky I got there before the deli area closed. I know in my heart that the lady making my sandwich was an angel. She was the nicest person ever. I’m not kidding at all right now, and I’m seriously starting to cry. This woman was being such a MOM- she was attentively making this sandwich, and making suggestions of things I might want to try (oh, i bet you’d like some oregano sprinkled on this), and I was just filled with joy and happiness. I don’t know if anybody ever made me a sandwich like that before. All I could think was “Oh thank you universe, and Gods, and Godesses, and leprechauns, because this is exactly what I need right now.” I was so engrossed with the kind woman making my sandwich that I didn’t even notice the counter with the potato wedges and popcorn chicken and all that stuff closed down. Yeah. It shut down during the sandwich making thing. Somebody was totally looking out for me. I planned on wolfing the popcorn chicken down in my car, so that my roommate wouldn’t see me eating it. Uh huh. I’m sure a lot of us have been there.
So I get my sandwich, and walk past the section with organic produce. There is also some veggie meat stuff there that doesn’t need to be frozen. Instead of the popcorn chicken, I picked up some veggie chicken nuggets. I still wanted to give myself the option of having a good binge if I wanted it. I know. Sounds nuts, right? I put the “nuggets” in my cart and then went past the frozen food. The tyson frozen chicken nuggets were buy one get one free. I don’t buy that kind of crap unless I’m on a binge. I considered it for a moment, and then opted to stick with the veggie nuggets. At least they have less calories and fat. I was planning a binge with compromises. Isn’t that hilarious?
So I pay for my items, and I am putting the cart back, and a female employee is gathering up some carts and she says, “Wow. I love your hair.” Mind you, I hadn’t showered that day and was thinking I looked a little rough around the edges. I felt so damn happy. By the time I got home I only had the slightest urge to binge. I decided to eat half of the sandwich, and then drink a large jar of water, and wait for thirty minutes. IT WORKED! By the end of the thirty minutes I didn’t feel like stuffing myself anymore. I felt so proud of myself, and so grateful for the employees at Publix!
Yesterday I had the urge to binge again, but I just repeated the same thing. I ate the other half of the sandwich and drank a lot of water. The feelings diminished enough so that I could deal with them.
I’ve been following the “intuitive eating” so well, and for the past week I was really concerned that it was going to kick me in the ass. I ate grilled cheese with shaved turkey on it for four days in a row. On one of those days I had grilled turkey and cheese for breakfast and another for lunch, and then I had a peanut butter and jelly for dinner. I was thinking, shit, I’m not going to see any loss at all this week. I’m supposed to listen to my body, so I am going to, but what the hell…
Anyway, I am glad that I have been sticking to my decisions and making progress. And I am thrilled by my three pound loss. YAY! Hope you all have a successful week- I may not be posting until my mom leaves.
Here is a picture of a happy three pound lighter me. WOOOOO WOOOO!!! Welcome to onederland, girlchild!