I had a really great communications class yesterday. It was by far the best IRCS, and I feel a little saddened because this segment (we will have IRCS again in the future) ends after one more class. I felt like people were finally opening up and getting into it. There has been so much negativity in that room, and I am sick and bloody tired of it. Maybe I was naive, but I did not expect to find so much negativity and judgment at midwifery school. I expected more camaraderie, union, and bonding. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t envision that it would be all dancing around the may pole and skipping through fucking fields of wildflowers, but geez, there sure are some complaining ass bitches up in that school. They whine so much it’s friggin’ distracting. Shut your face and learn!!! Students are on a quest for knowledge, yet some of these clowns seem to be on a quest to run the place.
Whew. I had to get that off my chest. After class I spoke with the teacher a bit, and felt infinitely better about things. For reals, it was getting to me so much that I actually considered transferring to another school. But now I’ve got a fresh perspective on things, and I’m going to do what I do best (not tapdancing, cake making, or juggling). I am going to blast positive and healing energy all over the place. For the last two nights (and forever more until the tea has brewed to perfection in the pot) I included blessings for the students, faculty, and school in my evening prayer ritual. And let me tell you, I ain’t messing around anymore. My classmates have two options which include either a) open up to some positive healing energy and transform into less judgmental peeps who don’t spend all day bitching up a storm or b) get the hell out of dodge so the rest of us can enjoy life and school in peace I feel that my terms are reasonable. I want the highest and best good for everybody, but I also want to feel a little joy and humor in the classroom. A room without joy is an oreo lacking the tasty, creamy filling sandwiched between the cookies. And that is simply criminal!!!
So now that I am on a healing rampage I believe I might just go on ahead and hang a couple of crystals in my classroom when nobody is looking. Gotta get the positive vibes swirling around in there before the darkness sneaks up and swallows us all. Just call me the healing ninja.
Anywhozzles. Today was pretty dullsville. I studied for anatomy and colored a zillion anatomy pictures. Zzzzzzzzz. Jelbelle said I sneeze fun, but today I sneezed out nothing but regular snot. The fun bank was tapped today. A criminal mastermind cracked the safe and made off with my stores of mirth. I was left with naught but sacks of sleepy boredom and stacks of articulations to color. Can somebody say, “The lamest Thursday ever to date?” Ick. Don’t bother saying that, I don’t want the boredom bug to bite you too.
I’ve got to do another assignment for IRCS that you guys may find interesting though. It has to do with recognizing negative patterns that reappear consistently in our lives. These yuck-fuck (I need to stop cussing so much) feelings are called grungies. (This stuff comes from the book Relationships That Work) Here is a list of unpleasant things that simply suck a fat one: anger, confusion, fear, feeling like a victim, humiliation, embarrassment, worthlessness, hurt, pain, sadness, resentment, guilt, bitterness, shame, anxiety, inadequacy, pressure, suffering, jealousy, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, the need to complain, sickness, fatigue, boredom, being broke, poverty, debt, being a martyr. I want you to get a sheet of paper. Turn it longside down. On the left side of the sheet write down each of the grungies I just listed. You will have a column of single words that will be circled (use different colors because it is more fun) and matched with a line to words on the right side of the sheet. Do it. We are here to transform our bodies, but we can’t do that unless we transform our minds and beings too.
We are supposed to be happy creatures, right? Well then why do we choose to feel things like depression, anger, and frustration? Maybe you don’t think you choose these emotions, but you do. Why are you choosing them then? The list of possible reasons for choosing these negative emotions is called the Payoffs list. Here are some “payoffs” for you to consider: getting attention, gaining sympathy, feeling superior, feeling right, an excuse for not taking risks, an excuse for failure, an excuse for laziness, an excuse not to move forward, protection, manipulation, maintaining an image, avoiding responsibility, reinforcing and justifying beliefs, being able to have no accountability, being able to hide. Write each payoff in a column on the right side of your sheet of paper. Now we get to play the matching game! Circle something on the left that has wormed its way into your life. Think! Think about what you’re trying to do to me! I mean, think about this emotion and the role it plays in your dealings with yourself and others. Look at the list on the right side of the page and ask yourself what kind of “payoff” you receive from this grungy feeling. Draw a line over to the payoff. Rinse. Repeat. It is better to be aware of just what we are doing, and just why we are doing it, right?
What kind of jacked up cycles are you guys finding in your lives? I often feel resentment towards others for past events because it allows me to feel that I was right (when the situation occurred) and am therefore superior. I sometimes have the need to complain or play the victim so that I will receive sympathy. My fatigue is an excuse for laziness, and also reinforces my belief that I shell out so much energy to others that I am constantly tired. I martyr myself for attention, and so people will be impressed at how great my capacity for giving is. I have used sadness to manipulate others.
But wait! There’s good news! We can change how we react to things. We can change our responses to our environment. We can be deliberate and positive creators. It’s never too late. “Conscious living involves examining what our habits have made us, what part of the legacy from our past habits we truly want to keep and what we choose to discard.” David B. Wolf
What you can do with your “grungies” is take note of them during the week. If you feel yourself slipping into one of these cycles take a step back from it and give yourself time to think. Could you make a more positive choice? Is there a better way to communicate your feelings? If you internally accept one hundred percent accountability your life is going to make a positive shift.
The book suggests that you choose three relationships in your life that you want to change for the better. Think of one or more grungies that you use on the person in your relationship, and what the payoff is. Then you are supposed to own up to the grungy and the payoff to the person. After that you attempt to figure out a more positive replacement for the cycle. I’m not sure if I am ready to do all that yet, but I’ll be thinking it over.
Gotta get to bed. Have a swimmingly swum day, guys.