bits of string and sealing wax

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/02/try-something-new-for-thirty-days.html

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/02/weekly-goals-1.html

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/02/distraction-didi-time.html

Probably keep posting links for a while longer.  I don’t want to abandon any readers, but ya know- I am kind of ready to move on from this site permanently.  There is a lot more to me than weight loss.

I really want to stop using this blog.  Here is the link to this post on my other blog.  Is everybody ok with me being on blogger instead of 3fc?

http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/2012/02/better-late-than-never-hate-loss-final.html

Today I have a strong desire to remove my last post, but I don’t like deleting posts; it feels dishonest.
I have been stuck in bed hacking my lungs up, blowing my nose approximately every minute or so, and feeling feverish and woozy.  This has been going on for several days.  Yesterday I drank a lot of tea, so Chris decided to make me Russian tea cookies to make the little plate look fancier.  He’s such a dumpling.  He brought me these spherical almond cookies to dunk in my tea, and the texture was nice, but I couldn’t really taste anything.  Since Lali had loyally planted herself beside my bed to act as my nurse, she was just sort of down on the floor and gazing longingly at my plate of little cookie balls.  When my fella left the room I dipped a cookie into my tea and handed it to her.  (he hates it when I give the creatures human snacks)  She placed it on top of her paw and gave it some dainty licks before swallowing it whole.  I think that she was going for the refined lady look for a minute, but she just couldn’t hold out.  She looked so flippin’ cute and happy that I dunked several more cookies and fed them to her.  She’s been hanging out in my room with me for days, and that kind of support totally deserves some cookies.
I really want to feel normal again, and kick these dreadful feelings of despair that are hanging onto me.  Yesterday I couldn’t do much physically, so I spent the day researching native Florida plants.  I have always wanted to dabble in permaculture, and create a food forest, so we plan on doing just that when we move.  I am certain that we can find a place with a good sized yard, and both of us are into growing things and sustainable living/ homesteading/ etc, so it will be a fun thing the two of us can play around with together.  I started off by making a lovely list of fruit trees, nitrogen fixers, vines, ground covers, vegetables, and plants to attract birds/bees/ butterflies and predatory wasps.  I then went about designing a guild with some of my top picks.  A guild is a grouping of plants that is grown alongside each other to maximize yield, pest control, and growing conditions, and minimize the amount of human work and interference that is needed.  This way of planting results in larger harvests, and is sustainable.  I was happy to find that there is a garden center in Sarasota that only sells native species, and Florida friendly flowers, shrubs, vines, and edibles.  Our current plan is to do one guild at a time, and then add and change things until we have covered the whole yard area.
I also intend to build a top-bar beehive (just one) so that I can finally finally have some bees to call my own.  Yes, I am infatuated with bees.  I don’t even care for honey that much, so I will probably end up giving most of it away, or not harvesting most of it and leaving it for the bees to eat over the winter.  I was talking to my dad about the type of hives that we had in Missouri (we had two boxes), but he couldn’t tell me the name.  He liked having them, never used a smoker, never wore protective clothing, and never got stung, but he laughed and told me he has no official knowledge of bee keeping whatsoever.  If a person has good instincts they can do without all the official know-how I suppose.
I have to admit that I am really dreaming of the future at the moment, and not so much living in the present.  I am taking small steps to cut it out, but meh- it’ll get me through until the appointment on the ninth.


Goals for the week: Work out four times this week, starting with today
Do four healing sessions this week
Check craft fair directory and write down application deadlines, cost, number of attendants, etc.
Look into renting a space at the Seven Mile Fair


Long term goals: Lose twenty pounds by September first
Save four thousand dollars by September first

I wasn’t going to write about any of this in my blog, but this morning I feel like I really need to.  If I don’t get it out of me and tell somebody I am likely to go banana sandwiches insane.  When I am happy with myself and the world I still tend to teeter on the brink of looney tunes, so I really don’t think putting myself at extra risk of purchasing a ticket to ‘toon town is worth it.
I am pregnant.  I wasn’t going to mention it to anybody until I was twelve  or sixteen weeks after my LMP, so nobody knows right now apart from Chris.  I didn’t tell my closest friend because she had a miscarriage right before I moved away from Sarasota, and I know she is still very sad about it.  It isn’t her first miscarriage either, so it is a pretty upsetting topic for her.
Something is wrong.  I have had an unusual amount of cramping for weeks, and experienced light spotting a number of times.  I thought that I was going to miscarry, but it never completed.  My body feels off, and I have been sick a lot.  I have been very stressed out since Christmas, because there wasn’t much that could be done.  My pregnancy is just too early to tell much.  I spoke with two ob/gyns on Thursday, and both recognized a problem with the images in my ultra sound.  Basically, I just have to wait another two weeks before I find out anything.  I am definitely pregnant, but there is a dark mass preventing a good visual of the growing fetus.
Here are some possibilities of what is happening: a complete or partial molar pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy, or uterine fibroids.  About fifty percent of women have uterine fibroids, and they are almost always benign, so that one doesn’t concern me.  The only thing that I am really worried about is the ectopic pregnancy, because sometimes women can’t give birth anymore after having one.  :(  The female doctor was very nice and supportive, and in her opinion my body is trying to miscarry because something is wrong.  I agree, but it is very painful to think about.  Unfortunately neither doc that I spoke to can tell what is going on yet, so further testing is required.  Both were very helpful, and both recommended that I simply wait for two weeks.  So here I am, waiting.
The woman told me that it could take months for me to miscarry naturally.  Thinking about that makes me so sad.  It is likely that they will ask me to do a D & C, and I am just praying that it isn’t an ectopic pregnancy.
We have cried about it.  I burst into tears pretty frequently.  Most days I experience cramps in my abdomen and uterus, and last night it got so bad that I just had to retreat to my bed and try not to move.  My hormones are going nutso; I can’t sleep at night or get comfortable.  I feel bloated, exhausted, weak, and confused.  I think about the possibility of having a baby with serious birth defects.
I still haven’t told anybody anything, because at this point I don’t even know what to say.  I am not sure what is happening myself, and I don’t know if I can handle any questions right now.  I wanted to tell my mom, but she and my stepdad are ultra religious, so I don’t know what her response will be.  I can’t tell if she would be truly loving and sympathetic, or start in with the whole “God’s plan” stuff (which is her way of not dealing with it), and say that I just need to pray (which I do every night anyway, but my mother likes to mention it in stressful times as though I am some lost and unfortunate heathen).  I don’t want to risk hearing that, because I am afraid that I’d respond poorly.  You know, like maybe I would punch her in the nose and call her an insensitive bitch.  :(  :(  :(
In spite of all this going on I am really trying to keep working on myself in positive ways.  I am having a hard time keeping up with the positive affirmations, because a lot of my thoughts are pretty sad and self defeating at the moment.  We are trying to plan for the move and talk about a bright and sunny future, but there is this painful lump of lead holding us down.  How am I supposed to process somebody saying, “Sorry sweetie, your pregnancy is abnormal, and that poor baby probably won’t make it.”?  I have another appointment on the ninth.  It feels light years away.

This week’s challenge was to do something out of our comfort zone.  I haven’t been feeling comfort zoney for the past week anyhow, so this kinda had me stumped.
I have been pouting, and sad, and indecisive.
There has been a lot of napping, and hiding under my blankets.
I’ve been a total cuddlevore, and must force myself to do normal day to day activities.  My hunger for snuggles and pats on the head is getting out of control.  Christopher Cubby has done the following things to cheer me up: he wore these giant nerdy glasses with no frames in them out to lunch with my friend and to Barnes and Noble just because it made me laugh, he made me a surprise fish mobile with scrapbook paper and glitter stars, and he brought me blueberry pancakes in bed.  I must have done something right in this lifetime to find such a nice fella.


So, doing positive affirmations every day has made me realize that buried under my cheerful and humorous facade is a mass of negative self beliefs, insecurities, and not so good things of that sort.  I believe some crazy shit about myself deep down.  Let’s see here: I am fat, I am unreliable, I am lazy, I am useless, I am boring, I don’t deserve to be treated well, I am never supported by others, I have to do everything by myself, I never finish anything, I don’t know how to commit to things, I do not achieve my goals, I am indecisive, etc.  The hate loss challenge has really dragged up these thoughts, and DAMN have I been feeling low for the last week and a half.  What is really funny is that I spent the whole year that I was in Florida battling negative beliefs, and I got rid of a lot of them. That list back there is the stuff that is left over.  Sheesh.  Who knew that working on oneself took such a long time?  I used to think that I was ugly, I was destined to have failed relationships, I deserved to be treated poorly by men, I could only be friends with others if I gave them everything and expected nothing in return, that I wasn’t pretty enough to wear dresses (I am happy to report that I really killed that one- I am addicted to dresses now), that people wouldn’t be interested in me unless they wanted something, etc.  Those are yucky thoughts that I got rid of.  I soaked in the ocean until they were washed away into the sea.
So, okay, I still have a lot of work left to do.  I have a lot of fear that holds me back, and I will be doing affirmations until the end of time if that is what it takes.  Affirmations work for me- it just takes time.  Bother.
Back to Week Three of the challenge.
Anything involving making a decision seems to throw me way out of my comfort zone lately, so I decided to make a BIG decision this week.  Yep.  I decided that it is time to figure out once and for all where I am going to live, and give myself a moving date.  We can probably live in the house for another year before it forecloses, and I kinda planned on lingering here and saving up money until we absolutely had to leave.  On second thoughts, that idea was fucking horrible.  Being in limbo around here isn’t exactly paradise.  I’m starting to think that I’d rather be gut shot on the side of the road than stick around for another year not knowing where I want to go next.
Yesterday my mind was numb and frazzled, and I was worried that I wouldn’t ever be able to post for week three. This morning I was revived by one and a half blueberry pancakes.  I could tell that they were made with love. I am going to move back to Sarasota.  I can make a lot more money there, and the rent is about the same as it is in Kenosha.  I also have the option of finishing my program when and if I feel ready to do so.  What is extra nice is that Chris can transfer his credits to Ringling college if he wants to finish school as well.  He will have to transfer to another unit, but he said that he is ok with that.  Our plan was to visit for my family reunion in late June/ early July anyhow, so we can use that time to look for a place to live.  With the two of us living together we won’t have any issues being able to afford a place.  (Paying for an apartment by myself was kind of an issue last time)  The goal is to move there at the end of August/ beginning of September.
It was hard for me to make this choice because I want different things at different times.  I would like to live in Madison again at some point, but housing costs are so high there.  We’d have a hard time making rent and being able to go to school.  Eventually I would still like to live in Wisconsin and just spend a few months a year in Sarasota.
Now that I have made a decision I feel like a load has been lifted off of my fearful shoulders.  We’ve got plenty of time to save up money for the move (especially since there is no rent when you live in a house that is doomed to foreclosure) and get everything in order.
I’d like to do more comfort zone challenges in the near future, because I feel like this one was sort of a cheat. This is something that I really needed to do anyway!!

I am totally in a rut and I know it.  I’ve been trying to deny the fact that I am feeling down, but it would probably be for the best if I’d stop lying to myself.  I knew something was amiss when I started crying over a comment that munchberry posted on one of my blogs.  I don’t know why I am still holding myself back, and keeping myself from moving forward.  My eating has been pretty lousy, I am not making any serious effort to find new clients, and I am over thinking little things and bogging myself down instead of taking small steps in the right direction.
How am I counteracting my own self sabotage?
- I forced myself to do Jane Fonda twice last week.  Twice was as good as it was going to get.
- I forced myself to hang out with my friend and visit the humane society to say hello to the critters instead of staying at home and brooding
- I took my cousin’s eldest to the three free (dinosaur museum, history museum, and public museum) museums on Saturday even though I don’t really like him.  I thought it would be a good “fun” deed for me to do to perk myself up.  It partially worked.
- Yesterday we went sledding on the golf course, and that was pretty dang fun even though snow kept blasting me in the face.
- I got a ficus lyrata (wanted one for years and years, but never got one cause they are usually too pricey) and a cordyline terminalis from Stein’s; their six inch potted plants (diameter of pot, not height of plant) and floor plants were fifty percent off, and I am kind of a plant nerd.  Two nice sized plants at five bucks each is a pretty good deal.  (Long ago I studied horticulture at Madison for a couple of years, and my interest in plants and permaculture and what not has never waned)  We then got the new plants home and proceeded to shine ALL of our plants’ leaves with leaf shine, and give them all nice new dirt and fertilizer.  Yep.  That kinda thing actually does make me feel better.
- Yesterday Sparks, Chris, and myself made crafts at her house and watched season four of The Office.  We made two new (and quite silly) pictures for our bedroom
- Sparks gave me some AWESOME scrapbook paper from this super cool little pack that she got.  She let me take any of the doubles that I wanted.  Seriously gang, it is such cool paper that it is pretty enough to hang all on its own.  And that is what I did.  I hung the little squares in a long line near the top of the ceiling today, and it looks pretty nifty.  I will try to get some pictures to show you all, but the lighting isn’t good enough in there to get any pics right now.
- The first book club meeting went really well.  We picked books for the next seven meetings and they all sound really cool.  I kinda wish we were going to meet up every Wednesday instead of every other.


Ok, so that is what I have been doing for the last week.  Here are some things that I want to do or improve on this week.


- Do Jane Fonda three times this week instead of two.  The eventual goal now is to switch between the upper body workout and the Jane Fonda each day.  I had planned on doing both of them back to back five days a week, but I decided to nix that idea.  I decided that one half an hour or under workout a morning is good enough.
- Drink NOTHING but water.  Ever since my cousin and her kids moved in I have been drinking soda and crappy juices and all kinds of sugary trash.  That stuff makes me bloat and feel yucky, and I just need to knock it off.  I stopped drinking those things years and years ago for a reason!!!  Just because they are around doesn’t mean I have to pour them down my fricken gullet.
- Switch over to a different affirmations cd.  I was doing the “weight loss” one, but I think my brain is kinda sick of it, so I am going to start doing the “self confidence” one tonight.  I also intend to place my own personal affirmations in a couple more places where I will see them each day, and I want to revise my list again.
- Spend time working on metaphysical healing every day, even if I don’t have a lot of clients right now.  If I choose to work on myself, Chris, and the people in my house each day, I believe that it will shift my focus in the right direction, and I will start getting more clients.  I feel like the problem is that my thoughts are all over the place instead of being committed to my goal.


Writing this made me feel a tad better.  I wish that I had more than two moods.  I am either really happy and everything is great, or I feel totally downtrodden and the world is horrible.  It’s pretty fricken dramatic, I know.

Go and read this. DO IT!!

http://www.rachelsimmons.com/2012/01/mom-im-fat-one-mothers-inspired-response-to-her-7-year-old/

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

~Carl Rogers

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?

~Marianne Williamson

Don’t be afraid that your life will end.  Be afraid that it will never begin.

~Grace Hansen