Down From The Mountain

I think it’s a combination of things.  For one, I’ve been hiking more robustly, as the weather has cooled, a huge incentive to go for longer hikes, as it’s my absolute favorite month for outdoors.   Secondly,  I have not been eating big dinners as much,  having various reasons why I’m ‘just having soup or veggies’.  I think that’s the big one actually.   Anyway,  I’ll continue,  maybe let go of my love of complicated dinners… have them once a week… lighten up the dinners altogether.   I haven’t seen the number 176 since last March or April I think.

I have finally realized that commitment to whole-foods lifestyle does not have success measured by weightloss. I need to continue perfecting my focus and efforts toward eating the best I possibly can. If the weight isn’t coming off.  Once I stop letting the WF commitment falter everytime I feel failure with weight, I think I will have a shift.  I need to habitually begin eating healthy snacks,  even if my munchies before were healthy, I need to continue pushing for the fruit-as-snacks. 

If the weight stays , I think that leaves exercise, and tweaking of portions.  For now,  focus hard on eating AS MUCH SUPERFOOD AS I AM ABLE ~  the rest will follow naturally.  I do believe this . 

Autumn being a bit cooler, more intensive exercise seems that much more doable. Nothing is more miserable than trying to hike up the mtn in the heat. Of course,  next summer I may have a whole different set of circumstances.  I plan to be at least 30 pounds lighter ! THis last summer was a total bear, because I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been , and it is just so hot up here on the mountain ! Cool crisp days are coming .  Whole Foods in the forefront of my vision,  my body is going to respond. 

So much symbolism I can read into it.  Taking inventory of the Good Things in my life,  tossing the bad.  Being grateful for my still-young-and-healthy life,  where I still have many choices and directions ahead.  I choose Vibrant Health,  I choose Freedom from Anxiety ,  I choose Proactive start on Each Day. 

At 2:19 this afternoon , the sun will go into Autumn, and days will get shorter.  I love this time of year, with a passion, because I am a real inner world oriented person,  who thrives from rain and cool air.  California is never bad anyway.  I love the leaves turning colors and falling gradually by species, beginning mid September and going all the way through December.  The musky fragrance of the forest just  puts more dimension to sensuality.  I love, love, love wearing soft cool-weather clothing,  like corduroys and fleece fabrics, and knitted things that I’ve made especially.  I realized a couple weeks ago , that with this fat insulating  all around me, amply, especially in sensual areas to touch,  like neck, arms, back, waist, thighs, that I really am not enjoying my clothing at all !  I also realize that I am a person who loves sensuality in clothing with quality natural fibers *linens in summer,  fuzzies in winter, draping , nothing tight*  that I have been unable to enjoy my biggest pleasure of Fall and winter , for many years now.  At least 4 or 5. That’s like having food go down your throat without taste,  or seeing something beautiful without hearing or smelling.  In other words… the senuality of LIFE , including touch from others hugs, soft clothes,  has been sadly and sorely missed ! 

That is such a revelation to me,  something that I need to pay a lot of attention to.  Visualizing slimness to motivate is one thing,  but ‘visualizing’ lost sensuality is a whole different , yet exciting,  technique .

I am not so sure I feel well today.  Anxiety.  A medium dose of very broadened anxiety that leaves me physically nervous and uncomfortable.  I had a nightmare right before I woke up,  no doubt the source. Also had an uncomfortable chat with my brother on the phone last night,  where I had to just say “I gotta go” because I was feeling criticized. 
 
 I just realized, at 5:45 this morning, as I was out peeing my dog, and walking into the dark morning it hit me like a brick that anxiety is the root of all of my problems,  especially overeating. (eating too much carbs in particular , being that carbs are the number one ‘feel good’ food, and I obviously self-medicate with that type of food. ) I think before I consider ways of cutting back on calories,  I need to better think of ways to cut back on anxiety.  Anxiety wasnt’ so present in my twenties,  more so in my thirties, and getting pretty grim now past my mid-forties.  Hormones, perimenopause,  whatever the reason,  there’s only one thing to do :  Focus on mediation,  positive self-talk…. censor negative thought loops, others who are dumping, eat clean and healthful, and exercise myself into happiness.  Odd how I haven’t had any good aerobic exercise for almost two weeks,  since I wrecked my back two weeks ago doing yoga (it’s getting a little better each day, but is still a real inhibitor of what I can do).

It’s the anxiety I need to pay attention to, and the clean eating, first and foremost ! Counting carbs or fats or calories is not the answer, because once I become a better monitor of what goes in my mouth,  there won’t be room for all of that.  

Yesterday I saw the numbers 179. Thats five solid pounds lost.

The ’shift’ is taking place, I feel resolve, but it’s incremental and only feels real as I lose the pounds. I guess that’s the trick, to lose a few first. I’m very pleased with myself as I’ve not really dieted, just been making better choices. Whole healthy food choices.

Been chowing down on my own version of tabouleh which is bulgar, and bean /lentil base (with olive oil, lemon juice, salt/pepper), then bulked out with lots of minced veggies (as red onion, celery, red pepper, a bunch each of cilantro and parsley), and I believe it is a whole food with bean/legume/grain protein, olive oil fat, and veggies) Choices to hike further up the ridge, even though it’s hot and it’s harder inthe heat, with this weight. Choices not to grab that pastry with my coffee at Starbux, with trips into town (though I did use half/half in my coffee oddly, as if to reconcile) , and to bring my own snack food (”almost plain’ popcorn has really helped to have handy all day when I want to chew for the sake of chewing….), choices to pick a vegetarian entree when going out, cooking more vegetarian, choices to use soy milk instead of dairy, to eat tabouleh instead of yogurt (which needs jam cuz I don’t like it plain), so all in all, my meat and dairy has gone down significantly. All those choices add up (or subtract down) with the results, and , I’m becoming slowly a LessMeatarian and LessDairyatarian! I have not excluded chocolate , not yet, and occasional little dishes of my homemade icecream w/ DH.

I realized yesterday that at this weight I will lose weight making little adjustments, but the little adjustments will have to continually be made as I lighten up, because a lower weight requires even fewer calories to do the same exercizes and to function, and thus burns fewer as well. In other words, as I lose more weight, I will have to continue to shave off , or alter, just enough from my eating, and push just a little further with the hikes, and incorporate more varied exercises to not get bored , as in riding bike next , and quick jogs when I’m near goal.

But, the thing is I need to remember, the overall affect won’t be any more difficult than it’s been in recent weeks, as I’ll have gotten use to a little sacrifice and feel good and confident about making the choices. And the best part is, I’ll be reaping the rewards bigtime to stay motivated. I’ll be inspired greatly at first by my own transformation and it’s affect on my social environment. That is going to be really interesting to get into.

Behaviors can change, and I must not ever be afraid of the long journey of behavior modification I choose to do, nor the hard work and small deprivations…. in fact, I will likely enjoy the treats even more as I am indulging far less. So much to actually be grateful about. I’m grateful the shift is finally starting to take place.

Down another pound… yay !  I guess that makes five pounds off, really, as I do remember seeing 185 on the scales mid June.  I never want to see “8″ in the middle again,  bye , bye 180’s,  I’ll remember you, but I don’t want you in my life. 

Got the rafters up on the shop, and well,  that was one heck of a difficult weekend all around,  emotionally and physically.   I really have nothing to report this morning,  other than …  *whew!*

I need to rid my life of all rage triggers, and fast.

Last night before bed, another total awful meltdown, over the physical affects of another one of DH’s action movies… which are full of fear and provoke fear and anxiety in me, everytime. The rage came after the movie was over, I didn’t know I was that affected, but surely, it’s just like adrenaline, then I’m full of fight to the end . I’ts as if I get possessed. That’s two major and a couple little skiffs yesterday. I swear, whatever is going on with me … perimenopause…. sure is not for the weak-minded. I think Jeff is amazing for not losing his temper with me, although at the time I am convinced he deserves my wrath.

It’s obvious to me that I need to start managing my rage, as well as my food choices , as I eat like a raging person , and I highly suspect the emotions are the entire problem, wheras the overeating is the symtom. It’s not a question about which is the chicken and which is the egg. The emotion is what needs to get dealt with, and I’m confident the eating will improve after. The physiological/cerebral/hormonal affects of rage are worse than calories, as I understand it, detrimental to good health in general.

I need to stop watching movies DH brings home. I need to solidify this rule for myself, instead of just threaten everytime I get upset. Tits&*** movies offend me, make me madder than a hornet, Stupid comedies with unintelligent plots and acting, really annoy and insult my intelligence, horror and action films are so full of shoot-em-up scenes, explosions, and car chases, that I just can’t take it, sports have commercials that go up in volume 10 times at the commercials and have me jumping out of my seat…. it’s just all too much, nothing works ont he tv. That’s IT… only documentaries and Bambi movies for me from now one.

I’m seriously considering taking my cash earnings from gigs and buying a little laptop to keep upstairs on my desk , to stay out of Tv’s way.  It is a matter of good health, spiritual calmness and survival.

It’s my Half Birthday… I’m 47.5 today. 

Down a half pound from yesterday ! That’s progress.  The wonderful thing about having finer gauged scales, is that you can see progress a lot faster.  I’m excited.  By next Monday’s weigh-in , I hope with all my heart to see 179’s, but  I wont’ be too upset if I don’t , but it’s a nice thought to know it’s possible !   Makes me want to really be good.  That’s how this works.  Not much to say, except that I literally pigged out on tabouleh yesterday afternoon , so much that I felt sick afterward, really seriously bloated, and didn’t eat dinner.   DH didn’t seem to mind that I wasnt’ sharing dinner with him. Tonight is the Friday night gig, so I just have a salad afterward, and well,  I could get use to this eating fewer dinners,  or,  just have a salad while I fix DH a real meal.  Got to think about that.  Two or Three nights a week might really help the weight go down, and everyone knows the evening meal is the least important when one is on a diet.   Just thoughts.  No declarations (I am learning not to make those!).  

Alright!  Nothing to make me more motivated than to be down another pound.   I am trying my hardest to not think myself into a hole about this like ;  ‘now I weigh what I did two months ago’,  or ,  ‘ if I lose two more pounds by the end of next week, I’ll be inthe 170’s for such-n-such event’ , or,  ‘now I’m only 33 pounds heavier than my best friend’… or more nonsense cerebral squirrel chasing such as that !  I have better things to think about !

I can’t put it off, today I must venture down off the mountain and do some shopping, make that bank deposit,  return some dvds,  get some doggie food, and stuff.  I will be armed with a container of watermelon, and apple slices, bag of popcorn, and plenty of cold water !  There will be ZERO food or coffee stops.  My new discipline.

I’ve done my Hour Of Power  hike up the ridge, and watered the garden,  now I just have to go get brushed , wash my face, and dressed and hop in my Rav and go to town.

I’m obviously going through major withdrawal from this email/internet diet.  It’s hard ;  I feel abandoned, depressed, out of sorts, mushy in the head.  I have to just hang in there, and hopefully I’ll find my way.  I’m considering a run to town to make a bank deposit, and generally get out and about and do some thinking. On second thought , knowing how unproductive town runs can be,  I think I’ll get dressed for a late afternoon hike.  Didn’t get one in this morning, and that may have something to do with why I’m feeling this way.