The Last “Oh, F**K It”.

Took another risk yesterday.  Ate a small brownie at lunch, telling myself it would be my daily treat food. Then my husband cooked a lemon pudding in the evening, and I just couldn’t/wouldn’t say no.   Had long chat with diet buddy last night, and felt it wasn’t a disaster - it was a small portion, and overall my food intake was about right (confirmed when got on the scales today and down another 2lb - now lost 8lbs in 3 weeks of just being more careful with food, not actually dieting).

But realised today, “cheating” is significant, even if I don’t gain weight. This attempt to get on top of my eating is not primarily about weight loss. It’s about stopping a yo-yo eating pattern and achieving a stable, healthy weight. Yesterday and the day before, I broke the rules I set for myself. That felt wrong.

Judith Beck says that every time you stick to your commitments, you strengthen your resistance muscle. Every time you break your commitments (those “Oh, F**k It” moments),  you strengthen your giving in muscle. The guilt feelings came because I gave in (without the tiniest hint of a struggle) to the urge to eat something not on my plan.

Over the past 3 weeks I’ve achieved (roughly) 100 instances of strengthening my resistance muscle and only 2 of giving in. But I do need to take these seriously -  2 incidents in 2 days could easily snowball into a binge.

However, it hasn’t done so yet. Talking to my diet buddy was very helpful, and I got straight back on track today. We talked about the importance of not getting over-hungry, and I’ve planned some snacks to take to work to help make sure my plan is do-able.

We also talked about what exactly I’m trying to achieve, and it’s definitely not “skinny” - I’m very clear I’ll settle for a sustainable, healthy weight rather than try to get truly thin and end up feeling deprived and bingeing again.  The maximum healthy weight for my height is about 12.7 lb (175lbs) - just 9 lbs less than I weight now. So I may not need to go “on a diet” at all - I may find that just getting into good eating and exercise habits gets me where I need to be. That would be quite a relief, as the thought of a “proper diet” has been causing me quite a lot of anxiety after years of believing that “Diets Don’t Work” and “Dieting Makes You Fat”.

As well as talking to my diet buddy, I’ve found Beck’s formula for getting back on track very helpful. She’s very clear that everyone, even successful dieters and maintainers, overeats sometimes. The difference is that some people use it as an excuse to relinquish any semblance of control and eat anything they want (Oh, F**k It), while others get straight back on track. Her Cheat Sheet - a formula for thinking through what happened - helped me come to the following conclusions:

• I need to be careful about getting overtired  - I’d had a few late nights this week and was very weary - doesn’t help my resolve
• Also need to watch getting over-hungry - the planned healthy snacks I discussed with my diet buddy
• My rule of 1 sweet treat a day is much easier to stick to if I wait until evening rather than eat it at lunch
• I need to put the container away straight after serving so I’m not tempted to pick at the leftovers

Feels good to end the weekend having had a good day - I cycled for an hour with my son, ate moderate planned meals, and feel very supported in getting back on track. Now will see whether I can maintain this during the coming week at work.

Took a risk tonight. Had a good day, timed my meal this morning, ate very slowly and consciously and really enjoyed it. Then ate planned lunch, someone handed cake round this afternoon and I didn’t have or want any. Ate very moderate portion of main course tonight, fairly slowly, then a moderate portion of pudding -  and then  - a tiny, spur of the moment second helping……….OOPs.

Wasn’t a disaster, was able to stop - though it did take some will power. But that’s the first time I’ve had unplanned food for a few weeks, and didn’t feel at all comfortable. This is exactly the sort of incident that has led to full scale bingeing in the past. It could so easy have led to a big second helping, thirds, and finishing the whole tin. . It might seem trivial - a few extra bites - but I can see how close I came to one of the  “Oh F**k it” moments that have derailed me in the past.

Cleaned the plates away, made a cup of tea and got the laptop out. Knew if I wrote about it straight away it would make it less likely it would be the thin end of the wedge. By keeping a very close eye on what I am doing and the choices I’m making, I’m getting detailed information about exactly how I ended up derailing myself in the past.

I’m treating this as a serious near miss - in the hope that it will make a full on crash less likely. Will discuss with diet buddy tonight and decide what next steps need to be.

Stuck to the mini-commitments I made to myself last night. Read advantages cards, ate one meal slowly and consciously, stuck to food plan, and went out for a 25 min walk tonight (dark and wet, but enhanced by Bonfire Night fireworks). Weight still down at 13.6 - 4lb lower than when started blogging. As I haven’t got to the diet part of the programme yet, I’m very happy with that.

Still finding it so hard to focus on what I’m eating. Diets Not Habits (CBT approach I had some success with two years ago) recommended  timing how long you spend on each meal, and trying to increase the time. I know this makes sense - today, I rushed lunch and felt unsatisfied afterwards, ate tea slowly and felt full. But in the past, found it almost impossible to remember to note the time I started eating. I think it probably would work if I  posted reminders, as Judith Beck suggests -  could place one in lunch bag, one on kitchen table etc.  So, carrying on with yesterday’s line of enquiry, if I think it would help, why haven’t I done it?

I suspect I have a deep seated resistance to being absolutely honest with myself about what I need to eat. At nearly 6′ tall, I’ve always felt I had a physical need to eat more food than most people. I’ve been quite smug about people on diets nibbling at their lettuce leaf while I tucked into my more generous portions. I was very committed to finding  a non diet approach to healthy eating, and hoped that just cutting out excess eating would lead to a healthy weight without having to go on a formal diet.

But even if that was possible when I was younger, I’m having to face the fact that it may not be true now. It’s possible I will have to restrict my calories to a lower level than I’ve done for a very long time. I’m not talking silly numbers  -  Beck’s book seems to suggest about 2,200 calories for my age and build. Ironically, she recounts a conversation with a client who is sure that 2,200 is too high - I suspect many people on this site will be used to very much lower calorie diets and will wonder what I’m moaning about. However, I’m very clear that I’m looking for a plan I can sustain for life, not for a few weeks. Can I eat around 2,200 calories every day for the rest of my life? That scares me. And I think the fear of that is part of my resistance to doing the pre diet tasks properly, and to really noticing what I eat. If slowing down my eating shows me I’m eating too much, I’ll have to eat less. I think I’m nearly ready to face up to that  -  but it’s not going to be painless.

However, I don’t have to do it today. I plan to press on with the preparation phase, keep laying the groundwork, and see where this journey takes me. Tonight’s mini commitments to take me forward are:

1) make extra copies of the cards so I can read them at work, in my kitchen and in the bathroom

2) ring my diet buddy tomorrow

and

3) time myself on one meal tomorrow (and stick a reminder note on the fridge tonight to help me remember

Yesterday, posted a commitment that I would ring my diet buddy tonight. Rang and she was out, but had a strangely helpful “virtual diet buddy” experience.

Before I rang, I realised I hadn’t fulfilled my commitment to fill out the Beck success skills sheet. Thought - I’ll do that tomorrow, then remembered I could download it on line. Printed it out and was scanning it, thinking about what I’m doing and what I’m not doing. Have to give myself a lot of credit  -  really pleased with progress. Not binged for three weeks, not reading while eating, not eating between meals, not accepting random offers of food, got planned exercise every day this week, lost a few pounds without formally starting a diet - this is all great progress. But - there are some things I’m not doing and I need to face up to them. Not reading motivation cards every day, not really focussing on food and slowing down eating at meals. (Was thinking all this as I walked down stairs from the attic to get my address book to phone) Idly wondered - why am I finding this so hard? Came to me in a flash - because I don’t want to start the diet. I don’t want to rush through the preparation stages because then I’ll have to start the actual diet - which is scary. Next thought - maybe I could commit to read the cards tomorrow morning no matter what, and to eat one meal tomorrow slowly and mindfully. By this stage I’d got to the phone. Thought - thats weird, I know what I’ve got to do next and I’ve not even picked up the phone yet. Then rang up and she was out. Will email this to her and speak properly over the weekend.

Am under no illusion that I can do this on my own. It was knowing that I was accountable that made me face up to the fact that I wasn’t doing everything I could. Also, the questions that popped into my head -  what are you doing well?  What’s stopping you doing the rest? What small commitment can you make to move forward now - were the questions I anticipated being asked when we spoke. Am very grateful that I have such a supportive and wise friend helping me with this - and how fantastic that she is still helping me when she’s out doing something else!

Ok day at work, still feeling pretty out of my depth a lot of the time but hanging in there and doing my best to focus on the task in hand and not project into the future.

Really pleased with food -  stuck to plan, made self sit down and eat at lunchtime (though in own room,  didn’t make it to staff room)   - planned 20 min walk this evening but took opportunity to extend to 30 mins. Someone brought in cake for a birthday and I was able to stick to my resolution not to change my plan and didn’t feel deprived even though everyone else had some. And did eat  something similar, as planned, after my main meal tonight.   No change in weight today, but feel good  - just taking control of my eating leaves me feeling so much better in myself.

However, haven’t read my advantages and response cards, and have found it hard to slow down my eating  -  am not reading while I eat, but not exactly focussing either. These are the things that will trip me up - if I don’t remind myself of the strategies while it’s going well, I won’t have them to hand when it gets tough.

I need to talk to my diet buddy rather than just email -  so am committing here to ringing her tomorrow evening to make a time to talk.

First day back at work, not a good day workwise, confidence very low and feel very fed up tonight.

But stuck to food plan and got out and did 30min powerwalk this evening while boys were doing basketball. Am going to try to link my exercise with their routine activities so it becomes a habit and I dont have to even think about it.

Good to know I’m looking after myself as best I can even if work is tough.

Last evening of school hols, back in work tomorrow. Really pleased with how I’ve been over half term, especially as last few days in work there were loads of goodies around. That, followed by unstructured time over the holiday has often led to disaster -  but not this time. Have stuck to my plans and made progress. Still a little disappointed that haven’t sustained the early weight loss, but a pound down again this morning. Trying to take the little losses/gains with a pinch of salt until I get more of a sense of the long term trend.

Am pleased that have done at least 30mins exercise every day this week, have not been eating between meals and have stopped before overfull. Challenge now is to maintain it when back at work. Work is easier in some ways - no time to overeat during the day and I have fairly standard breakfasts and lunches which I can throw together with little effort and which I know work for me.   The likely hazards are being too busy to make time for exercise, not taking time to work on the programme, reflect and move on, and being tripped up by unexpected offers of food, goodies in the staff room etc.

I’ve made a commitment to myself not to accept offers of food which I haven’t planned to eat - I can take some for later or promise myself that if I reallly want it I can buy it for myself another time as part of a planned meal. And have been in email contact wiht diet buddy, need to speak to her midweek to see how it’s going and check I’m not letting things slide.

Not sure how much I’ll manage to post here but will aim to keep checking in even if not time for a long post. Have found the blogging, as well as reading what others are up to, immensely helpful.

Got on the scales today and was up another 2lb. This is not what was supposed to happen! I have felt so good about my food, not been bingeing at all, and was sure my jeans were looser, so am really pissed off.

I had hoped that just stopping bingeing would be enough to get me to a healthy weight and I wouldn’t need to do a “proper diet”. I’m not finding it that easy to stick to the basics (planning my meals and not deviating from the plan, limited portions of unhealthy foods, eating slowly and consciously, getting exercise every day) and the thought of restricting my intake much more is quite scary.

I’m going to carry on with what I’m doing for now and see what happens to my weight over the next few days. I do feel much better for not bingeing, and I know my weight is only part of the story.

The important thing is to not be thrown off track by the number on the scales. It’s easy to stick to the programme when it’s going well and the scale is going down.  Given that I’ve found the going harder over the past few days, it would be very easy now to decide it’s not worth it and start eating whatever I want.

But I really don’t want to throw it all away on the spur of a bad moment. I’ve had 2 weeks of good eating and started to re-build some good habits. If I jack it in this time, it will be that much harder to believe I can do it next time. I need to remind myself of all the good reasons for taking control of my eating and remember that the bad moments, though tough, do pass quite quickly when I don’t give into them.

Weighed self today and have gone up a pound -  which I know is not significant in the grand scheme of things, but I definitely prefer the little thrill of satisfaction when the scale goes the other way.

Beck suggests that you weight yourself daily precisely for this reason - so you get used to the little ups and downs and don’t ascribe too much meaning to any minor changes. But I think it’s not a coincidence that I’ve felt a bit bored with it all today. I read my motivation cards, planned my food and exercise, and ate slowly, sitting down etc -  but felt a wave of anguish when I got in from dropping the kids off , prepared lunch, sat down to eat it and knew I couldn’t read the paper I’d just bought. Again, it passed and I was able to eat the meal without reading, but had to really remind myself why it matters that I stick to my commitments.

Beck says that dieting is easy at the start, hard in the middle when the novelty wears off, then gets easier as the good habits become automatic. Reading the motivation cards has really helped, and I do think it’s miraculous where I am, compared to where I was a few weeks ago. My clothes are looser, I’m enjoying my food and I’m free of that heavy, exhausted, just overeaten feeling. But I can see how easy it would be to slip off track and can understand just why it’s happened so often in the past.

I bumped into an aquaintance yesterday who’s lost lots of weight. She does look better for it, but she still looks very ordinary - a middle aged woman with a somewhat drawn face from the weight loss. And I realised that’s what’s going to happen to me  -  I won’t turn into a stunning beauty, I’ll be the same me, still middle aged and ordinary - just thinner! And that really isn’t so exciting -  maybe not enough to keep me motivated when the going gets tough.  But when I remind myself of the wider benefits of this way of eating, and think about how much better I feel, rather than look, when I’m not overeating, then it does feel worth it.

So I’m going to keep reading the motivation cards, and hope I can hang on in there through the boring and difficult bits until it really does start to become automatic -  a habit for a lifetime.