MOVING.

Posted by Bella on January 3rd, 2009 |Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Hey everyone! I know I have only been at this blog for a very short time, but I have moved to Blogspot. I just felt like there was more flexibility with the design and everything. I hope that, for the few of you out there who may be following my journey, you join me at my new site.

journeytodazzling.blogspot.com

004. I am sick. (???)

Posted by Bella on January 2nd, 2009 |Filed Under Chapters | 1 Comment

Something is wrong with me, health-wise. I need to go to a doctor.

I am on my own for the first time in my life and of course, that’s when the health problems arise. Also when I do not have a full-time job. This would be so much easier if I were at home… it would be easy to go to the doctor and I would have my mom and it would just be better.

But… if I am going to be real with this journal and real about my lifestyle changes, then I need to get real with myself. There is something WRONG and I need to stop avoiding it. Part of this journey is about accountability, it’s about responsibility, and it’s about facing my problems instead of trying to sweep them under the rug and act like everything is all right.

I don’t feel right. I don’t know exactly what it was… I ate a Pot Stickers Lean Cuisine… a little later, I had a Women’s Daily Multivitamin. I was reading online journals and I fell asleep. My friend called me, I tried to go back to sleep, but I felt weird. My stomach felt upset. I began to bloat… I still feel weird.

All of these health problems, they started a few months ago. All of a sudden, I was just sore. Sore, sore, sore. Everything in my body ached. It hurt to even sit down. It hurt to drive–just to use the steering wheel. I attributed it to my bad eating habits, to the lack of vegetables and fruits in my diet. I went to a Walk-In Clinic after about a month of this–a month of feeling like utter crap and being exhausted. I took some steroids and my joint pain went away. But after the week long trial of steroids, different problems arose. I was itchy, I was bloaty. I had a weird scar on my face. I went back to the doctor and took a urine and blood test. They both showed abnormalities. The doctor said I should go to a blood specialist. I called and they said they wouldn’t see me without me having another blood test. They said to wait 2-3 weeks before I took one.

So I waited. And then I got busy and kind of put it off. Finally, a month later, I did the blood test. I got the results back a couple of weeks ago… and there were more abnormalities. They recommended that I get a Primary Care physician. So, I told myself I would make an appointment… but I have yet to do so…

But with the way I am feeling tonight, I realize: this is not a joke. This is my health. Something is seriously wrong with me… and it’s not just the symptoms I described here. This could be TMI, but I have weird consistency of my bowel movements, I have lumps on my head and little lumps on my throat… I am being kind of dumb. I need to get it checked out.

I could be jumping the gun, but I think it’s either severe allergies or… lupus. I don’t know why, but it just seems like something it really could be. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow.

Food Log - 1/2/2009

Posted by Bella on January 2nd, 2009 |Filed Under Food Log | Leave a Comment

Wow, I automatically wrote December as the date when I started this entry… I forgot–it’s a New Year!

TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1,030 calories

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003. It’s a new year! (175)

Posted by Bella on January 1st, 2009 |Filed Under Chapters | 1 Comment

So, Happy New Year everyone! 2009 is going to be great & different… I can feel it in my bones.

I think one of the most exciting things about the New Year is that a lot of people pick this time of year to start doing a diet and getting into the healthier lifestyle–which means lots of new blogs. So, I think it will be nice to find people who are also just starting and start building relationships and support systems. I am pretty excited.

So, you probably notice that I do not have a Food Log for yesterday or today. I pre-determined that I was going to enjoy New Year’s Eve. It’s a choice that I went back and forth with, but I decided that I would let myself eat whatever I chose for lunch (my internship is ending and I was already going out to lunch with one of my favorite co-worker’s)–but I did have a water, which I normally want to do but never end up doing. I also let myself drink… My reasoning: I’m 22 and most of the time, I spend NYE at home doing nothing. This was actually a situation where I did not have to drive myself home, so I figured I would enjoy it. I am happy about my decision.

But what about today? I could have logged calories today, but I also chose not to because I know I am probably not getting a healthy amount (in terms of a daily amount, not for weekly totals). Because I did have so much to drink and I snacked at the party, I decided I would compensate today with my eating. I am eating, I have had food, but I don’t want to put a caloric total on my food.

Anyway, it has almost been a week since I have started my changes and I feel good. The time thing is helping me and I have realized that I do have control over food. It’s a nice feeling, especially since I used to feel like food had control over me. And I know I am doing this differently this time because I am drinking a lot of water and it’s not even hard! This coming from a girl who has been addicted to Diet Coke the past few months… But with Crystal Light (and even without it), I am consuming water. This picture makes me happy:

Empty Water Bottles

It’s a bunch of empty water bottles. I have about four of them next to me. It’s nice… I like it.

I am not quite sure what else to say except for I am feeling motivated to continue these changes. I know it has only been less than a week, but this is a battle every single day. Each day is my weight loss journey, each day is my goal. And knowing that I can do this means I know I can do other things in my life.

Today I kind of just chilled… I am pretty tired and my back hurts, but you know what–before I go to bed, I am making it a point to work out. It’ll only be a 10 minute workout to this one DVD, but I do not care. It’s something and that’s the point! And I’ll make changes each and every day.

Food Log - 12/30/2008

Posted by Bella on December 30th, 2008 |Filed Under Chapters | Leave a Comment

TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1075 calories

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Exercise Log - 12/29/2008

Posted by Bella on December 30th, 2008 |Filed Under Exercise Log, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

I am not officially starting an exercise program, but today, I thought, “You should do 5 songs on your Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) game before you go to bed tonight.”

I thought, it’s the least I can do… I mean, I bought my PlayStation months ago and it has been that long since I played DDR.

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Food Log - 12/29/2008

Posted by Bella on December 30th, 2008 |Filed Under Food Log | Leave a Comment

TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1,520 calories

Well, I am proud of myself today! Even though I did not stick completely to my time-mind eating plan, I did very well! I had some unexpected road bumps at work, where a gumdrop cookies, a yummy smelling quiche & mouth-watering brownies appeared in celebration of a co-worker’s birthday. But I resisted, in a sense. The cookie I didn’t think twice about, early in the morning. I felt bad as I ate it, knowing that it was not part of the plan. So I readjusted. I was supposed to have a snack at about 10am, but instead, I just waited until lunch time. The next temptation came after lunch… those brownies were calling out to me. I decided that I could have one if I waited until 4pm. So, I did wait and I did have a brownie. It was very good. I think even though it was unexpected, this mind-training thing will pay off because I am doing it in the Real World. I have to learn to resist temptation, but let myself enjoy certain snacks at certain times. I know if I was not serious about what I am doing now, I would have eaten about 3-4 brownies, a fat slice of that quiche, and about five of those cookies–not to mention the candy I would have munched on and the coffee I would have sucked down. I got through today without coffee or soda–which is a feat in and of itself. I can tell that I am serious about it this time and I am glad. I am proud and I look forward to continued success.
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Food Log - 12/28/2008

Posted by Bella on December 28th, 2008 |Filed Under Exercise Log, Food Log | 1 Comment

TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1,540 calories

So, I am officially done with my caloric intake for today. No more eating until breakfast tomorrow morning. I know I can make it. I do have to say that this timed-eating already has me finding out new things about myself. I am having to face myself and my emotional state of mind without the crutch of boredom eating. At times it was very difficult to keep myself from just finding something to put in my mouth so that I wouldn’t have to think about anything. I realized that maybe it isn’t as satisfying as I thought it was to sit around all day and do nothing. It used to be fun… or at least, that’s what I convinced myself. And it’s not to say that that kind of day does not have its time and place, but when it’s all that I do in my free time, well, it’s a problem. I forced myself to shower and get dressed and headed to Target to buy groceries so that I can make my lunch next week and also tiny notebooks so that I can log my food no matter where I go. In my drive to Target, I was confronted by thoughts of unhappiness–not depression, but unhappiness. There is something that is lurking beneath the surface, something that food has been covering up, and I feel like I am one step closer to figuring out what it is.

EDIT: It pains me to admit this, especially since I did so well, but I did go off-plan. I went to visit a friend and she offered me something to drink. I knew I should have said water, but I didn’t. I grabbed a root beer. I was in that moment, that decision moment. I think we’ve all been there: that time when you know that you shouldn’t do it, that you are trying to do something new. It was a crossroads and I chose to choose the path that I always choose. And I didn’t even really want a root beer that bad. It was probably about 120 calories–I didn’t finish it. But still, I never should have started it.

One of the things I think I need to realize is that I need to actually make a sacrifice, make a change. It isn’t going to be easy–so the moment it becomes even the slightest bit difficult, I shouldn’t bail. I know my body’s used to eating more than this, I know it says it’s hungry, but it’s a lie. Well, anyway, at least I am being accountable this time. Again, one step in the right direction. But I know I can do better.

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002. A Time to Eat. (175.7)

Posted by Bella on December 27th, 2008 |Filed Under Chapters | Leave a Comment

The mind is a terrible thing to waste… isn’t that how the saying goes?

It may seem to be physical, this whole eating and exercising thing, but anyone who has ever struggled with becoming healthy knows that it is mental, that it is all in the mind. I think that for me, one component to dietary success will be the reprogramming of my mind. I’ve identified over the past few years that I enjoy overindulging myself. What’s worse is that the more I tell myself no, the more likely I am to overeat.

I would like to be the kind of person who can cook healthy meals, perhaps count calories, and just stay on task. But that isn’t me–at least, not right now. It’s unfortunate, in some ways, that a food addiction is not like a drug addiction. At least with heroin, once you get off, all you have to do is stay away. With food, you need it to survive. Every day, you have to tempt yourself with at least some part of it if you want to stay alive. I’m not wishing a drug addiction on myself, but it’s hard to stop being addicted to something when you need it no matter what.

But backtracking a bit: I would like to be able to better control myself. I would like to be able to actually listen to myself when I say, “Hey, don’t eat that. You don’t want that.” So, I have come up with a little mind trick, a mind retraining, that will hopefully prove successful in this new lifestyle attempt.

I am not going to count calories or limit the amount of foods that I can eat. Instead, I will only let myself eat at certain times. I am sure that this might be the key in helping to eliminate my boredom eating. Let’s talk a bit about boredom eating, shall we?

Whenever I am at home, I eat a lot. I eat even if I am not hungry. It’s bad because when I am home during the weekends, sometimes my only motivation to get out of bed is for more food. This is pathetic. I let food encourage my slothfulness. It’s almost as if the two go hand-in-hand: food feeds laziness. But… for the most part, I have never identified myself as unhappy as I am eating. My thought process is not usually “Oh, I am so sad… time for ice cream!” So, I do not think I am an emotional eater, although I have used that as an excuse before. Instead, I am a boredom eater. I happened upon an article after doing a Google Search (Key Word: Boredom Eating) and I found this excerpt to ring very true in my life:

“Boredom is a complex emotion and an important signal that your life is not being lived to its fullest, most enjoyable expression… Eating can serve to distract you from your conflict and the ensuing boredom. Eating can perhaps ease the tension for a short period of time. However, no matter how much you eat or how often, the conflict inside you remains. A helpful perspective is to realize that your boredom indicates an important desire for personal growth into new ways of thinking, acting, and living. Boredom invites you to take a breath and delve a bit deeper to explore personal passions and desires. Eating to suppress your boredom only serves to put your life on hold.” [Stop Boredom Eating]

For some time now, I have known that I am eating out of boredom. Why? I was not sure, but I did know that there was something on some subconscious level that was holding me back and keeping me doing the things that I did not want to do. This article makes a lot of sense, though. I am at such a place in my life where I want to live differently. I realize I have a lot of potential and I also realize that it’s me that’s holding me back from having the life that I crave. And that’s hard to deal with. But instead of doing something about it, I continue to be stuck in the same rut that I have been in for years. I suppose that’s where food comes in.. as a “solution” to my problems. It gives me that temporary rush, that temporary satisfaction. The stimulation from food temporarily satiates my constant desire to be better and to be doing more. But, as the article said, doing that is only putting my life on hold.

This is a very good thing for me to recognize because now I can begin to combat it. And the way to do it just hit me about an hour or so ago…

Around 1pm or so, I stumbled out of bed and quickly made a bowl of Ravoli, compliments of Chef Boyardee. Two minutes of microwave cooking and I was ready to go. I told myself that I would only eat half, as two servings were 500 calories and I did not want to consume that much in one sitting. But as I watched “Lost” from ABC Online’s streaming free episodes, I rapidly devoured the whole bowl. “It’s okay,” I told myself. “I just will make sure I do not have another meal until at least 5pm.” I was not worried because with 500 calories in my system, I should not be hungry for a while.

But then 2:30pm rolls around and I am hankering for a snack. So, I tell myself, “Erika, wait until at least 4:30pm and you can have some ice cream.” And that’s when something clicked with me. I realized, “Hey, if I make myself wait to eat instead of indulging myself whenever I have the desire, well, I might be able to retrain my mind and get some more control over my eating.” If I can at least control when I eat, it’s a step in the right direction to controlling what I eat.

So, I am going to try this new time-eating thing out. If I can actually make it past the designated time I assign to eat, then more kudos to me! I am not a slave to food. And if I actually just listen to myself, pace myself, and control myself, I know I will feel better.

And look what I did while I was waiting for my ice cream? I wrote. I did something productive. Instead of just going to the kitchen, scarfing down ice cream, and then laying in bed to watch TV and fall asleep, I actually did something that I have been wanting to do more of: write.

I have a long way to go, but somehow, I feel I am on the right track.

001. Been there, done that. (176.7)

Posted by Bella on December 26th, 2008 |Filed Under Chapters | Leave a Comment

Been there, done that.

That’s the phrase running through my mind as I contemplate writing an entry in this “new” weight loss weblog. I’ve been here before. I’ve done the weblog thing. And back when it was the first time, I actually made improvements and I saw change. I felt invigorated, I felt like I was learning new things and I felt like I saw food and exercise in a completely different light.

But what I face now is much more difficult because I know what works… yet I still don’t do it. I don’t know what this mental game is that I am playing with myself, but I’m tired of it. And this time, I can say that I actually mean it.

This journal will not merely be a log of my eating and exercise habits, but I want it to document this process, this journey of really facing myself. As I mentioned before, this is a self-improvement blog. I do believe that if I can figure out why I am overweight and why I keep sabotaging myself with food, then I will be able to unlock other areas of my life.

I just recently entered the “Real World,” the adult world. And now there are no excuses. There’s no one to blame for my problems except for me. And I absolutely have to get to the bottom of it because I do NOT want to start over again. Everyday, I feel as if I am starting all over again. How many times does the mantra, “I want to lose weight!” run through my head on a given day? How much does my weight affect my life? Too much, too much. I want to lose weight and get healthier for several reasons.

I am unsure as to how to approach this journal, but I do know that I do not want to do it the way that I have done it in the past and that I want to make sure that I actually stick to this. A big part of losing weight successfully is accountability (ie: It’s a lot easier to consume a lot of calories if you don’t COUNT them). But failing to acknowledge the harm that I am doing to myself is just pushing me further into denial and out of touch with reality. Because what I am doing is lying to myself. Each time I say, “It’s okay… you’ll change tomorrow,” I do more harm. Each time I say, “It doesn’t matter,” I am lying to myself. “No one will know,” I am lying to myself. And not only am I lying to myself, but I am also missing out on the wonderful things that life has to offer. I don’t feel young, like the 22-year-old that I am. Instead, I spend most of my time sleeping, or watching television, or living a sedentary lifestyle–even though that’s not necessarily the one that I want.

With each day that passes, I am more aware of what I do not have but what I could have, should I choose to stop living in fear. I am being pretty broad and generalizing a lot of things in this entry, but I am going to dig deeper pretty soon. Once again, I am not quite sure of how to approach this journal. Do I write in a chronological format? Do I write by subject? How do I broach this topic… this topic of myself? How do I deal with me and how do I share myself with others?

I suppose this blog will be a work in progress, just as I am. Tonight, I might write a few entries. So that you can get to know me better, so that I can get to know myself better, and so that I can ultimately take a few steps closer to being a better me.


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