From clumpy chick to chic chic

It was for me this morning!  I got on the scale and it read…….208!  So I did the scale dance.  Uh-huh, I see you snickering.  You’ve done it too.  You step up, look down, step off.  Step up, look down, step off.  Repeat until you finally believe in that number.  Of course, I have done that as well when the number has gone up, or stayed the same…..ok I admit it.  I scale dance daily.

Well I bumped my calories up for the last few days towards 1800.  I was wondering if I freaked my body out by giving it too few calories too soon, and that’s why the scale was stuck.  Except for last night, when I ended up with less than 1000 calories.  Oops.  I just was not hungry, although I did enjoy my icecream.  Thank you skinny cow!

This morning though, not so good.  I have been snacking on cereal, munching on pumpkin seeds, and I ate 2 starbursts.  Not that that in moderation is going to ruin anything.  To be honest, the candy didn’t even taste that good.  I just ate it because it was there.  The pumpkin seeds were alright, I made them with cinnamon, sugar and salt.  Not really my cup of tea.  The next batch will be plain, so that I can eat some too.

I have to say that I am majorly proud of myself for stopping drinking my calories.  I had 1/2 bottle of Dr. Pepper the other day (and it took me all day to drink that much), and I just tossed the rest.  I didn’t enjoy the taste like I used to.  The same thing happened with the ice tea.  It’s just too sweet.  I have no issue at all with drinking my crystal light all day or water.  It’s weird.

I am worried for tonight though.  We are getting pizza for dinner.  That is one of the foods that I miss most.  I love pizza, and I have indulged in a piece of two now and again.  It does not hurt until I go to plug it in to the fitday, and I go “ugh, I ate that.”  I need to have something fun that I can eat too, so that I am not tempted by the pizza.  More on that choice later.

Lastly, I am taking month by month pics to show my progress.  Lets see if this works.

Not a huge change, but I am on my way!

Hmpf….That’s how I feel today.  The scale is stuck stuck stuck.  I have to say that it’s wearing me down.  Sigh.  I want to give up, and eat and eat and eat.  Who cares if I am fat.

The fact is though, I do.  I care.  I want to be healthy.  So I just decided to make a list.

I want to be fit….

• So kids are not made fun of for having the “fat mom”
• So when we go to the amusement park I can fit into the rides and not worry
• So I can be in the pictures with the kids without cringing when I see them again
• Because I don’t want to die early because of obesity issues
• Because heart palpitations are scary
• Because I want to shop in the cute clothes department
• Because I want to wear a cute sundress over summer
• Because I am worth it
• So when I see family, friends, etc. I am not ashamed of how bad I look
• So I don’t cringe when walking past a mirror
• So I feel sexy again
• Because I want to be pregnant again and look cute

I want to stay fat……

• because it’s easier not to watch what I eat
• I like soda
• I AM LAZY
• because it’s hard to get thin

Looking at it that way, the pros outweigh the cons very clearly.  I really need to stick with it.

I AM WORTH IT!

Apparently we have H1N1 here.  Not that we have been tested for sure, but the symptoms all line up.  Judging by my aches and pains when I woke up this morning, I’m the lucky one getting it this time.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to exercise.  My joints feel like they are on fire and I am exhausted.  Skipping a workout for sure would not be the end of the world.  I’m sick.  I am working out 6 days a week, so I can easily make up for it on Sunday instead.

But I know me.  One day off, can turn into 2.  If I have h1n1, it’s not over in one day.  Two days turn into 3…and pretty soon I am not going to work out at all.  With that in mind, I went downstairs.  I eyed that machine with about as much enthusiasm as I would paying bills.  But armed with my little cheerleader, and bolstered with the knowledge that Elijah was actually sleeping and I could workout without him, I started.  Ouch.  Warming up was a killer.  I almost gave up there.  I made it through that, made it through the bench press.  Bending down to pick up the handles for the shoulder exercises was painful.  But you know what, I made it all the way through.  Nothing felt sweeter than getting to the cool down.

So take that H1n1!  I did it!!

And eat and eat and eat.  I just feel stressed today, stress triggers eating, so I want to eat.

I sit here trying to distract myself.  I made a snack of cheese, broccoli, and rice.  Not the best choice, but easy.  Better than chocolate.

The thing is, there is nothing to be really that stressed about.  Joshua is sick, but has perked up.  Elijah is Elijah.  How I wish he would nap.  I resent that he won’t.  That sure sucks to say, but it’s true.  I need to clean, and I don’t want to.  It’s a bright sunny day, and all I want to do is lounge around.  I feel anxious and itchy in my own skin.  I need to turn off the computer and get away, and yet I feel myself getting sucked in.  I should just go fold my clothes, not that I want to.

Deep breath.

Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out.

I got my workout in today, I have logged in all my food.  I have about 1000 more calories that I can eat today, I WILL have a healthy dinner.  I will get up and clean.  I will not yell at the sick kid hanging on me, even though it’s making me nutty.

There it is, I’ve said it.  It’s not knowing what choice to make that’s tough.  It’s really not even the making of the choice that’s hard.  It’s the “making the right choice even though everyone else is doing what you would rather be doing” that is tough.

For me, one of those tough choices is soda.  I love it, especially the Dr. Pepper.  The problem is that I would rather drink that over anything else.  And that is not a healthy choice, especially when one is trying to lose weight.  The Bible says :

It doesn’t get much clearer than that.  Now I realize that Jesus is speaking figuratively, but I took a literal approach.  I tossed out all of my soda.  I have not had any since the second day, when I grabbed one of Jeff’s.  It’s hard too.  I want soda.  I miss soda.  I crave soda.  But I am not having it.  And I feel good for it.  Another shortcoming is my eating.  I love to eat, and I don’t always want to make the best choice.  Jeff got pizza for dinner the other night.  I really like pizza, although nothing out here compares to Chicago.  However, pizza is not on my diet.  So I had lime chicken breast (sans skin) instead.  Not a choice that I liked making, but I did it.  Funny thing though, I felt good because of it.

The sugar monster got me last night though.  I wanted icecream.  I have been so good, watching everything I eat, giving up on sugary and fattening foods.  So I took a spoon and had one spoonful of icecream.  Really, what is one spoonful (and a small one at that) going to hurt every once in a while.  Nothing.  But I had that spoonful, and it was good.  And I wanted another.  Oh boy, did I want another really bad.  I am proud to say that I didn’t have one.  I washed the spoon and put it away.  But I am not ready for the treats yet.  It’s still too soon not to fall into the old patterns.

So here we go on day to day.  I am trying to make the right choice for me, in order to meet my goal.  Oatmeal for breakfast.  Crystal lite, unsweetened tea, or water to drink.  I have managed to exercise every day since I made the choice to change me.  So far, the scale is flipping between 219-220 lbs.  Not bad, since 5 days ago I was at 225.  I am taking strength from those on the site who have done this before.  I have been reading their successes, and I know that I can do it too.  I just have to go one day at a time.