Had my first phone conversation with my sponsor yesterday.  It was amazing (she’s in the mid-western US and I’m in Korea…)  Pretty cool.  We redefined my abstinence as “3 meals a day, nothing (but life) in between, and no “red list foods”.  Not sure how the “3 meals a day” thing will work out, but we’ll see.  I’m willing to try it for at least a week before re-evaluating. 

So while I’m in here, trying my darnedest to work the program, I find abstinence still elusive.  Part of me wonders if it’s just the discipline I need to not put that food into my mouth?  Maybe.  I find that I eat out of exhaustion and whenever I feel overwhelmed (which is often) Last night is the perfect example.  It was 1:00AM.  I had eaten healthy, nutritious food throughout the day.  Had just had a mug of decaf coffee and was getting ready to go to bed, but just couldn’t turn off my brain.  I had the distinct feeling of needing to “unwind”, so I got out of bed and made a mug of cinnamon and cream and started watching a TV show… I knew I was sunk as soon as I tasted the cinnamon (which I think has an additive in it — MSG, maybe?) and instantly made me crave more, like the entire snack isle.  Not cool.  So it’s kind of a lethal combination.

In the down and dirty re-hash (because sometimes I find doing a post-mortem helpful) I ended up starting off by drinking some more heavy cream (disgusting, but I was following the Atkins eating plan and hoping that would hit the nail… no luck) a baby tomato, then moving on to a can of tuna w. mayo, some olives (20), some almonds and strawberry crisp cereal, then I went out and bought 2 packs of digestive cookies: one plain and one with chocolate and ate them both.    

A: lack of discipline B: food sensitivity C:my own obstinate behavior.  

I woke up around 2PM with the words “obstinate vs. abstinent” in my brain and a renewed commitment to seek the latter while killing out the former.  

On the plus side, one thing I’ve been fairly consistent about has been my exercise.  I do some form of cardio (Zumba or Kickboxing) about 3x a week and yoga on the other days.  I’m feeling much better physically and am hoping that my discipline in this area will carry over into my discipline in the area of my food.  

Still seeking…

Are you ready to give up?  

I think that I might be.  

And what does that mean to you?  

It means giving up my timetable.  Giving up the idea of success.  Giving up all my “good ideas”.  Giving up the idea that I, by myself, can do anything at all.  Giving up my idea of what would come to me if I could only lose the weight.  Giving up, giving up, giving up.  Accepting that on my own I make a mess of everything and trusting that if I give that control to the old Higher Power, the life that He has imagined for me, the life that He will lead me in, is greater than my wildest dreams.  I trust that.  I never knew the two went hand in hand.  Interesting.  

Yesterday, I had this idea that weight loss was just like swimming from one island to another island just a little bit further away and if I could just swim well enough and fast enough, I’d get there eventually. 

Today, I have decided to give up my idea of the path to a goal and trusting that His path and His goal are so infinitely better.  It’s not about being in the “ocean swimming to another island”, it’s about getting up out of the water, drying off, and waiting on Him to see where he pushes the island.  Really now.  Which way sounds easier and more exciting?  

Abstinence: 

“No matter what, I do not diet.” 

That’s it.  I think I had been thinking that OA was just something extra I could “add on” to another diet plan to help me “stick with it”.  Again, my goals and my plans.  Doesn’t work like that.  I will do what works for my body and leave the rest to God.  

(from an e-mail)

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worries 
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

This seems to be my pattern:

• Wake up around 10.
• Do my bible study
• Make and eat a healthy breakfast
• Do some kind of workout
• Eat a healthy lunch
• Make a healthy dinner to take to work
• Work from 3:30-10:30PM
• Eat dinner at work.
• Come home.
• Put everything away. 
• Write a bit.
• Do my devotions and write in journal.
• Do some program work.

***Danger Zone***

At or around bedtime. (At times I have actually gotten up out of bed to go binge.)  I know that I’m definitely not alone in this “danger zone” but am working to overcome it.  That binge undoes all the work done during the day and past couple days.  How do I stop?  Herein lies the question.

I definitely binged last night, but there was no “red list” food, so that was a small victory.  I was literally on my way to walk out the door to go buy some, but stopped myself, started sobbing, and made myself pray for the strength to do His will.  I learned once again, that “one bite is too many and one thousand are not enough.” 

I was up most of the night wrestling.  Finally grabbed about two hours sleep and was awoken in time to get to an online meeting.  Excellent.  A good start.

Slowly, but surely…

I spent 15 minutes in meditation today.  Fifteen minutes quiet and ready to receive in regard to OA.  Just fifteen minutes.  I’m committed to doing that for as long as possible.  I think that would be a good habit to cultivate.  

My goal is to train myself to think of food primarily as fuel.

I realized that “trying” to lose weight has become a hobby for me.  Interest in body shape and appearance has also become a past time.  I would like to stop this preoccupation with food and body image to shift to occupation with subjects that will equip me to do the work I have been called to do.

Subjects I would like to become occupied with include: Music, Language Mastery (French, Arabic, Korean), Cultural Theory, Economics, Science.  

Interestingly enough, I feel like this can probably best be accomplished by committing to a proven daily plan and routine with food, which will then free me to pursue these other interests.  

My Plan:

Physical:

• Atkins (Induction for the next 13 days, then moving to OWL)
• Write down all food intake
• Some form of exercise at least 3x a week (appx 60 mins x3) 

Spiritual:

• 15 minutes of meditation a day

Emotional

• at least 15 minutes food reflection/writing
• at least 15 minutes program work. 

Will come back and try to do a proper “intro” etc. later, but for right now I just wanted this in as a placeholder to say that it’s SO not about the food.  The food just happens to be the way that I work out my feelings.  

I’m currently following the plan for Atkins Induction, just to prove to myself that I do have the discipline to follow a plan.  

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m also trying to fit in a Zumba workout (my new favorite fitness pasttime!) before heading out for the night.  

Discipline is my mantra.  Excellence is my goal.  

Our Invitation to You

We of Overeaters Anonymous have made a discovery. At the very first meeting we attended, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous illness, and that willpower, emotional health and self-confidence, which some of us had once possessed, were no defense against it.

We have found that the reasons for this illness are unimportant. What deserves the attention of the still-suffering compulsive overeater is this: There is a proven, workable method by which we can arrest our illness.

The OA recovery program is patterned after that of Alcoholics Anonymous. We use AA’s twelve steps and twelve traditions, changing only the words “alcoholic” and “alcohol” to “food” and “compulsive overeating.”

As our personal stories attest, the twelve-step program of recovery works as well for compulsive overeaters as it does for alcoholics.

Can we guarantee you this recovery? The answer is simple. If you will honestly face the truth about yourself and the illness; if you keep coming back to meetings to talk and listen to other recovering compulsive overeaters; if you will read our literature and that of Alcoholic Anonymous with an open mind; and most important, if you are willing to rely on a power greater than yourself for direction in your life, and to take the twelve steps to the best of your ability, we believe you can indeed join the ranks of those who recover.

To remedy the emotional, physical, and spiritual illness of compulsive overeating we offer several suggestions, but keep in mind that the basis of this program is spiritual, as evidenced by the twelve steps.

We are not a “diet and calories” club. We do not endorse any particular plan of eating. Once we become abstinent, the preoccupation with food diminishes and in many cases leaves us entirely. We then find that, to deal with our inner turmoil, we have to have a new way of thinking, of acting on life rather than reacting to it - in essence, a new way of living.

From this vantage point, we began the twelve-step program of recovery, moving beyond the food and the emotional havoc to a fuller living experience. As a result of practicing these steps, the symptom of compulsive overeating is removed on a daily basis, achieved through the process of surrendering to something greater than ourselves; the more total our surrender, the more freely realized our freedom from food obsession.

“But I’m too weak. I’ll never make it!” Don’t worry, we have all thought and said the same thing. The amazing secret to the success of this program is just that: weakness. It is weakness, not strength that binds us to each other and to a higher power and somehow gives us the ability to do what we cannot do alone.

If you decide you are one of us, we welcome you with open arms. Whatever your circumstances, we offer you the gift of acceptance. You are not alone anymore. Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. Welcome home!

(reprinted with permission from the World Service Organization of Overeaters Anonymous)

Are You a Compulsive Overeater?

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive overeating problem. We have found that the way to arrest this progressive disease is to practice the Twelve Step recovery program of  Overeaters Anonymous.