Courage to Change…

Posting this here for my own records.  

Again, from an e-mail to my sponsor.  (God bless her for bearing with me…)

Dear …:

Once again, I’m struggling.  It’s a bit discouraging to me because I tried so hard not to lose faith in my ability to adjust to the work that we’re doing.
I go back and forth between wanting to beat myself up over this and
realizing that I ought to be gentle with myself.  Part of me feels
like maybe I just wasn’t prepared for the “unbearable lightness of
being” that comes when the obsession is lifted, if that makes any
sense?  I definitely felt the obsession lifted and I have absolutely
not idea what to do with that freedom.  So I suppose the moral of the
story is that the program works and I oughtta be darn well ready for
it to work.

The day started out well; I ate my abstinent breakfast of 1 cup of
loosely packed spinach w. two eggs (omelette kind of) and 1 oz of
cheese.  It was nourishing and satisfying.  I went downtown to meet
some friends for coffee and on the way down, I got this hankering
(woudn’t quite call it a craving) for a cinnamon raisin bagel.  Not
sure where that came from, but b.c I had been working out my
definition of abstinence, I thought that I’d try it out and see where
it’d take me… Big mistake.  Huge.  It was like eating that bagel
opened up this whole world of craving.  I’ve eaten bagels before and
been fine, but I think it just made me feel like the entire day was
thrown because of that one unplanned food.  Came home on the bus, and
all I could think about was bingeing on packets (the store by me sells
them two packages for 1.50) and jelly.  I walked past the store on my
way home and was so proud for resisting… only to go back out, buy
the food and eat them before work.

Feel like I let the kids I teach down b.c I wasn’t able to be as
present for them in my post-binge state.

So what did I do after work?  But of course.  Had to finish what I started.
Bought and ate
a small can of Pringles
a large cup of noodles
1 large chocolate bar
package of digestive cookies
popcorn w. splenda
cherries

Again, I go back and forth between thinking that I’m a failure for
falling down so badly, but knowing that what I need right now is love
and support.  And no secrets or shame.  I need to tell someone else
that I’ve done this because the more I try to hide, the bigger the
disease gets.  I feel like I’ve just caught it with its pants down b.c
what it really wants is me, alone and miserable, and by sharing this
with you, I’m not giving it what it wants.

Things that I’m not doing that I was doing before:
~Going to meetings online.  I haven’t really whole-heartedly gone to
any meetings this week.  Have been full of other things in life (all
good) but that ought not to change that my abstinence is the most
important thing to me right now.  Would like to find one core meeting
and commit to that one (so that people will miss me when I’m not
there….)

Today is July 4th and as our country celebrates its Independence, I
would like to declare my own freedom.
For the next 14 days, I commit to you my abstinence as:
NO RED or YELLOW LIST FOODS (only Green list foods)
3-5 meals a day, with nothing after dinner.

I also commit to not weighing myself again this month.  I do tend to
obsess over the number on the scale, and I don’t want to be
sidetracked by that anymore.

Challenges will be:
The Study tomorrow and the 18th that we’re organizing
(although it’s actually a bit easier that we’re organizing them b.c it
means that A: I’ll have a bit more say in the food that’s served, and
B: I’ll be so busy that I won’t really have time to worry about
eating)  Have already figured out my healthy food for the day and am
looking forward to.  It’s actually a nice marker, too, b.c this will
mark Day #1 and Day #14.

Also, I have an outing possibly planned on the 11th to go to the beach
w. some friends/work colleagues.  It can be challenging b.c I won’t
exactly know the food that will be available BUT if my history has
shown me anything, it’s that I can be very resourceful when I need to
be (tuna travels quite well) and the danger isn’t necessarily in the
challenge, but, again, in the nighttime binge when I’m alone in my
room.

Am just going to keep “stepping up”!

Love (still) in Recovery!

There’s so much now that I didn’t know before.  So I’m going to claim that and keep moving forward.  

Have committed to at least 14 days of abstinence under the definition of:

ONLY GREEN LIST FOODS (for now– which includes all meat and eggs, as well as low GI veggies and condiments)

3-5 moderate meals a day, nothing after dinner, nothing but life in between.

As our nation celebrates independence, I, too plan on declaring my independence from the hold of compulsive eating.  I am free.  Now start living like it.  

From an e-mail to my dear sponsor… 

RE: Abstinence-

“I heard a speaker say was that in the long run, it didn’t matter if she had 5 years and (x) months or 5 years and (z) months, so I suppose the point is just to keep on working and not sweat it.   

I do know that for today, I am abstinent. 

I’m also working on narrowing down my definition of abstinence.  301 was a bit of a relief for me at first, but I sometimes find myself keeping such long hours (up at 8AM, bed at 2AM) that I feel like I need something else somewhere, but I also feel like if I allow a snack, it might open the floodgates… Argh.  Not sure.  I also feel like my Higher power is reaffirming that Red List foods aren’t in His plan for me for right now…. So.  Perhaps my definition of abstinence can be expanded to 501 (if necessary) with no red list foods?  The idea of “snacks” and “snacking” is scary to me right now, because I think of a snack as something that I would eat mindlessly.  A “meal” I have to think about and be present for, so this is what I’m going to use in my definition.  

The key for me, that I’m finding is

A: being very purposeful about my meals, what I’m going to eat, and when I’m going to stop and

B: Absolutely not eating after my final meal.  

MUST remember that this abstinence brings freedom with it. This abstinence brings freedom.  Must remember that a choice of abstinence is a choice for freedom and I want very much to be free.

Also, to amend my previous e-mail, on reflection from last night, I don’t believe that it was my plan that my Higher Power was asking me to let go of, so much as it was my will for that plan.  I sincerely do believe that when we make our plans, we commit them to Him and that He will reveal His will to us if we ask Him to.  I feel like last night He revealed His will to me and asked me to let go of my will and desire for that food, but I was unwilling to do that.  I didn’t binge, but I don’t think I was abstinent.  ”Freedom is a process,” so they say.    

And my gratitude list, just because I’m proud of it

Gratitudes: ~TWO Absolutely awesome coffee dates this morning w. two very special women. ~Feeling like I was listening to the same voice as these two women. ~This feeling of connection with my Higher Power ~The feeling of fear it inspires ~This feeling of calm ~Serenity ~Joy ~My new cell phone charm that I got for less than the equivalent of one dollar. ~Finding the perfect birthday present(s) for my sister in exactly the dollar amount that I wanted to spend. ~Abstinence ~The extra time that I’ve gained from not eating compulsively that enabled me to finish a bible study I was working on. ~Clarity

Here’s the e-mail I sent to my sponsor.  We’ll see…

Today was a bit shaky.  I question whether or not I was abstinent, but
for my own morale, I would like to credit myself with abstinence
because I have been 7 days w.o a binge (defined as eating food alone
with more than 3 red list items) and I would very much like to add to
this as opposed to starting from back from Day One.  The longest I
have gone without a binge (by this definition) has been 19 days.

I do believe that I made it through abstinent, although I definitely
ate too much.  I had planned to go to the movies with some friends and
wanted so badly to have popcorn with them at the theater.  [Here I
interject to say that I have been reading the Big Book and realize
that we as Compulsive Eaters have done everything to try to eat like
our fellow man and have found that we can't.  I realize this.  It
would have been a better choice for me not to plan to have popcorn w.
them, but I also have noticed that I tend to obsess over relatively
small things I'm On Plan, only to get blindsided by a big binge when I
feel like I've 'deprived' myself for too long.  I've found that it's
not abstaining from movie theater popcorn that's the problem, it's
abstaining from the binge alone in my room at 3 in the morning that's
the challenge.]

I had purposely eaten my dinner late so I could have the popcorn as an
addition to dinner (first mistake) There were some delays in getting
to the theater and then by the time we got there, I found that they
didn’t serve diet soda and I didn’t feel like having the popcorn by
itself.  So instead of just making do with the water in my purse, I
went across the street and bought some diet soda of my own and two
packages of crackers.  I could have chosen differently with the food,
but I feel like I had a plan and things didn’t go according to my plan
so instead of choosing to let go of my plan, I held on.

This has definitely taught me a lesson about expectations, as the food
was only the first of  the list of expectations that I had for the
evening… As I’ve heard in the rooms “Expectations are resentments
waiting to happen”

I believe I was abstinent, b.c I didn’t use food in a compulsive
manner, but I definitely could have chosen better.  Am also learning
that most of the battle for me is in my motivation and commitment to
working the program.  I tend to allow my “perfectionism” to rule what
I put in my mouth.  If I feel “too full” sometimes I feel like I’ve
messed up entirely and just want to throw in the towel and binge b.c
“what’s the use?  I’ve already messed up.” but it does come back to
that “weight between my ears” that must be shed first.  Must also
remember that unlike the weight on my body, the weight between my ears
can be shed instantly, the moment I decide to step out of the fat suit
of running my own life.  Hmmm.

I’m trying to define what is a “moderate meal”.  I often find that I
get full on small amounts, but am hungry 20-30 minutes later.  I’ve
heard people say that it’s good to eat 6 small meals a day, but for a
compulsive eater, that does NOT sound like a good idea.

Would very much like to know what you think.  If you think that I
should start back at Day 1, then I will.

Food Plan:
301- working towards no red list foods

Exercise Plan:
Rest Day

Spiritual Plan:
Read Study Pray - AM/PM

Gratitudes:
~A commitment to work towards abstinence.
~Free periods during which I finished my 3rd step work (yay!)
~A renewed and stronger connection with my Higher Power.
~A good friend who I’m texting to wake up at 8AM w. me.
~Getting up at 8AM and actually staying awake
~Good friends to go see a movie with.
~An attractive, funny, polite co-worker who’s just fun to look at
~Start on cleaning my kitchen (symbolic as well as actual)
~Good friends in general.
~Realizing that I have never felt ‘happier’ in my life.

Without the anesthesia of food, there’s a whole lotta lot to be felt.  Sat in our office at work with this rising feeling of panic and just *yuck* in my chest.  Why?  Who knows.  Tried to take my emotional temperature… but really, it could just be life.  Looks like my capacity for the *ick* will just have to increase, I suppose.  And it will happen as I dive headlong into this thing that I don’t want to do, but want to have done, ya know?  

So.

If I make it through tonight, it’ll be Day #6

Officially the end of day #5 abstinent (on 301)

I feel like one of the biggest things that I’ve gained/am gaining in abstinence is more space, more time, more room to think.  For example, yesterday (Sunday night) instead of bingeing, I used the time to work on my “spending plan” for the next month, updated categories, etc.  I still have miles to go before I’m anywhere near financially sound, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction to be reinforcing these habits.    

Had a phone convo w. my sponsor and it really helps remind me of why I do this.  Someday, I want someone to want what I have.  And I want to be able to tell them how I got it.  That’s my goal.    

To everyone who reads… I’m really sorry that I’m not replying right now.  Just please know that if you leave a comment, it’s so greatly appreciated and if you leave a link to your blog, I’ll check it out. (or it might be included… not sure and haven’t figured it out yet… most of the time it just takes me to an e-mail to you or a comment to my comment…) 

Have definitely been more successful in this aspect of my abstinence.  Am thinking that I might like to change it to “3 meals a day, guilt free.”  Not sure how this would work.  I had some cookies this evening and I definitely didn’t need to eat them… Was feeling especially headstrong, I suppose, but I’m not planning on eating again, so I think the 301 could work.  

“The way to build self-esteem is through esteem-able acts.”  

One day at a time…  

It’s letting go of the idea of food as fun, comfort, or recreation and receiving instead the rest of my life.  That’s how that goes, I think.

Found a whole bunch of free podcasts last night and felt like a kid in a candy store.  Very cool.  Listened to a bunch of them this afternoon and had a blast.  

I think I have just completed my first day abstinent in a long time. 

I had three meals, with nothing (but life) in between, and I had NO red list foods.

This is a teeny, tiny (greatbighuge) victory for me.  

So yesterday I managed the “3 meals with nothing (but life) in between” part… but wasn’t so successful with staying off my “red list foods”.  Bit by bit… Progress, not perfection.  Blah blah blah… (am doing better, though, and I know it) 

Just for my own reference, here are my food color lists: 

Green List:
~Chicken (unbreaded)
~Tuna
~Eggs
~Salmon
~Tofu
~Steak
~Ground Beef
~Spinach
~Green Pepper
~Baby Tomatoes
~Celery
~Lettuce
~Broccoli
~Cauliflower
~String Cheese
~Mango

Yellow List:
~Cheese that is not individually wrapped
~Almonds
~Creamer
~Heavy Cream

Red List:
~Cookies (Including ‘Digestive biscuits’)
~Crackers
~Chips
~Cereal
~Cakes
~Candy
~Muffins
~Ice Cream
~Regular Soda