Courage to Change…

So while I’m in here, trying my darnedest to work the program, I find abstinence still elusive.  Part of me wonders if it’s just the discipline I need to not put that food into my mouth?  Maybe.  I find that I eat out of exhaustion and whenever I feel overwhelmed (which is often) Last night is the perfect example.  It was 1:00AM.  I had eaten healthy, nutritious food throughout the day.  Had just had a mug of decaf coffee and was getting ready to go to bed, but just couldn’t turn off my brain.  I had the distinct feeling of needing to “unwind”, so I got out of bed and made a mug of cinnamon and cream and started watching a TV show… I knew I was sunk as soon as I tasted the cinnamon (which I think has an additive in it — MSG, maybe?) and instantly made me crave more, like the entire snack isle.  Not cool.  So it’s kind of a lethal combination.

In the down and dirty re-hash (because sometimes I find doing a post-mortem helpful) I ended up starting off by drinking some more heavy cream (disgusting, but I was following the Atkins eating plan and hoping that would hit the nail… no luck) a baby tomato, then moving on to a can of tuna w. mayo, some olives (20), some almonds and strawberry crisp cereal, then I went out and bought 2 packs of digestive cookies: one plain and one with chocolate and ate them both.    

A: lack of discipline B: food sensitivity C:my own obstinate behavior.  

I woke up around 2PM with the words “obstinate vs. abstinent” in my brain and a renewed commitment to seek the latter while killing out the former.  

On the plus side, one thing I’ve been fairly consistent about has been my exercise.  I do some form of cardio (Zumba or Kickboxing) about 3x a week and yoga on the other days.  I’m feeling much better physically and am hoping that my discipline in this area will carry over into my discipline in the area of my food.  

Still seeking…

This seems to be my pattern:

• Wake up around 10.
• Do my bible study
• Make and eat a healthy breakfast
• Do some kind of workout
• Eat a healthy lunch
• Make a healthy dinner to take to work
• Work from 3:30-10:30PM
• Eat dinner at work.
• Come home.
• Put everything away. 
• Write a bit.
• Do my devotions and write in journal.
• Do some program work.

***Danger Zone***

At or around bedtime. (At times I have actually gotten up out of bed to go binge.)  I know that I’m definitely not alone in this “danger zone” but am working to overcome it.  That binge undoes all the work done during the day and past couple days.  How do I stop?  Herein lies the question.

I definitely binged last night, but there was no “red list” food, so that was a small victory.  I was literally on my way to walk out the door to go buy some, but stopped myself, started sobbing, and made myself pray for the strength to do His will.  I learned once again, that “one bite is too many and one thousand are not enough.” 

I was up most of the night wrestling.  Finally grabbed about two hours sleep and was awoken in time to get to an online meeting.  Excellent.  A good start.

Slowly, but surely…

Will come back and try to do a proper “intro” etc. later, but for right now I just wanted this in as a placeholder to say that it’s SO not about the food.  The food just happens to be the way that I work out my feelings.  

I’m currently following the plan for Atkins Induction, just to prove to myself that I do have the discipline to follow a plan.  

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m also trying to fit in a Zumba workout (my new favorite fitness pasttime!) before heading out for the night.  

Discipline is my mantra.  Excellence is my goal.