Courage to Change…

So, following the monumental realizations of yesterday and my on-plan eating program of 3 meals a day, I think I expected to wake up and be 10lbs lighter on the scale. Not like I had unrealistic expectations or anything, right? In the past, this would have sent me straight into “screw it” mode, but for today, I’m trying to realize that my expectations were a bit out of touch with reality, use the knowledge that I have (average and most sustainable loss is about 2lbs per week, which averages out to .3 lbs a day) and try to form a more realistic idea of what I can look forward to.

Things I must remember:
~My third meal included 32 carbs of yogurt.
~I had sushi w. soy sauce (only 1/2 low sodium) which will probably lead to a bit of water retention.

Food from yesterday:
B = 2 soft boiled eggs, 1 cup tomatoes, 1 large apple, 1 Tbspn Mayo
L= 1/2 Costco Chicken Caesar salad (335), 1&1/2 cup lettuce
S= 2 Tbspns flaxseed
D= 1/2 cup pickled cucumber, 8 pieces sushi, 2 Tbspns soy sauce, 400 g plain yogurt+ 4 Splenda, 2 Tbspns flaxseed

That’s actually a decent maintenance food plan, although I realize that I would like to shed some weight, so I must be prepared to make alternate food choices that aren’t necessarily all that fun.

Have been imperfectly abstinent since 7/15 (the date I gave away my 4th step). It’s been really really hard and someone had said that if you don’t feel like you’re losing your mind in the first 30 days of abstinence, then you’re not doing it right. So if that’s my barometer, then I must be doing something REALLY right…

Fight for your right to be uncomfortable.

Guess what? I feel like it only gets harder.

Made the decision not to turn to the food today. After making and taking an abstinent dinner over to a friend/co-worker’s house, I made the conscious choice not to buy the food item I was looking for. I went to look at two stores, but they were both closed and rather than trekking to the all night store that I knew would be open, I made the choice to turn around and continue on with my night. I probably over ate some of the other food items at the house, but they are not on my “red light” food list.

Walked home on edge and feeling a sense of “presence” in my own body that was both uncomfortable and thrilling. Arrived home only to discover that the leftovers had spilled in my bag. Annoyance #1. Then, when I went to put the salad dressing away in the fridge, it opened and spilled all over the floor. Annoyance# 2. And I felt like turning it all in right there.

Sometimes, it feels like life only gets tougher once I make the decision for abstinence, but darn it, I’m making that decision and I’m going to trust that keeping this space open and not filling it with food will create space for something wonderful to come in. My Higher Power can and will come to my aid when I seek Him, but I must be willing to seek Him and willing to do what He tells me.

That’s all.

Day #16.

Today was the start of intensive summer classes at work. That means I work from 9-1PM and then from 4-10:20PM. We have breaks in the middle, so it’s not all strictly work time, but it’s still about a 10 hour day. Yikes.

Also, today (July 20) I weigh 74.2 kgs (163.24 lbs).
On June 11, I weighed 66.5 kgs (146.3).
In a little over a month, I went up about almost 10 kgs (22 lbs)
It’s so not about the weight (but it kind of is…) There were no large important life events. I think it was partly because I was coming off such a restrictive way of eating and could not do it anymore, but also, it’s just me whining.

I heard in a podcast that debt is financial whining (”But I want it…” “But I need it…”) If that’s true, then being overweight is definitely “physical whining” (”But I’m hungry….” “But I deserve it…”) No more excuses, body! It’s time to get serious about the foods that make you stronger and the foods that just bring you down. I already know the foods that bring me down and the foods that cause me to “lose focus”. It’s time to stop acting stupid and put that knowledge to work.

Now is the time!

But have been taking a break from the blog. Feel like I was choking myself with my own expectations.
“Are you abstinent now? No? What about now? Now? How about now?” GOSH!!! Shut it, already! Sometimes I get on my own nerves.

As of right now, still, my abstinence is: 3 meals with up to 2 snacks. And I’m working it. My food for the past two days has been HUGE, but I’m working it, and still fully committed to working it and not running when the going gets tough.

This week I finished the fourth and fifth steps (personal inventory and admitting to God, myself, and another person the exact nature of my wrongs) and my WORD was it ever transformative. I took step three on the phone with my incredible step sponsor and immediately wanted to get started on step four. It’s the first time I’ve ever done it (I mean, really done it) with a sponsor and it was like a thorough emotional housecleaning. Of course, the first thing I wanted to do after we finished was go EAT, but as she encouraged me, I got up and went for a walk, instead. Felt drained, exhausted, dizzy and nauseous, but better in every sense of the word.

Will be starting summer intensive classes at work so for the next month, I’ll be pretty fully occupied. Am hoping that this time will refine me and pull me closer to the person my Higher Power wants me to be…

My hope is to stay abstinent through it all.

From an e-mail to my (3!) food sponsors:

Today I:

~Ate 3 meals and up to 2 (really huge) snacks.
~Said the Third Step prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Said the Serenity Prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Asked for willingness, guidance and direction from my Higher Power.
~Asked Him for the power to carry that out.

Was another “Big Food” day. It’s a bit frustrating when I can’t predict the meal situation that I’m going into. For example, I ate breakfast at home before going to a meeting, then everyone at the meeting decided that they wanted to eat lunch, but I had already made lunch plans with someone else. Didn’t want to eat again, but also didn’t want to “use up” my lunch when I had already made those plans. Usually, I don’t have a problem just sitting at the table and NOT eating while everyone else is eating (and saying “Oh, I’m enjoying just being with you all…) but this time it was just awkward and they charge per person sitting at the table and blah blah blah. Argh. Solved it by ordering less at the second “lunch” and calling it a snack.

The food is sticking in my throat even though I’m chewing it. It’s not white knuckle, but it’s uncomfortable. I know that I’ll get better with practice, but it’s just so darn difficult sometimes. I’m taking that as a sign that I’m doing it right. Sometimes I wonder if chili and fries is really considered a snack, but I’m sincerely trying to keep moving forward in this process of surrendering my food and serving my Higher power with it.

Victories:
~NOT eating the two packages of crackers that I bought.
~Putting down the popcorn when I was talking to my mom.

Could have done better:
~Eating yogurt and crackers as a “snack” at the second meeting of the day. I was already full and just wanted to eat over my frustration at the day. It didn’t work (it never does) but I was able to stop and didn’t go out to get more.

Tomorrow I commit to:
~3 meals and up to 2 snacks.
~Saying the Third Step prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Saying the Serenity Prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Asking for willingness, guidance and direction from my Higher Power and for the power to carry that out.

Thanks for listening!

…then you haven’t really taken step one.” I heard a speaker say in a podcast this evening. Maybe I haven’t. Because I can definitely classify myself as “struggling” right now. It’s better than it was, but it’s nowhere near as good as it could be. Must remember that it goes both ways, this abstinence. If I’m willing to give away all I have, I’ll get back more than I’ve ever had before.

Food Today:
B=
Cinnamon Raisin bagel w. cream cheese+1 Tbspn whipped cream

L=
Sauteed chicken breast w. spinach
1 Package Plain Digestive cookies
2 Chocolate Digestive cookies

D=
2 Rolls Kimpop
Kimchi
1/4 block tofu
2 PACKAGES ACE crackers
1 small jar strawberry jelly.

Progress= I haven’t been eating non-stop and have been successful in keeping to this “three meals a day” idea.

Improvement Needed= I’m still bingeing. And that must stop if I am to have the serenity that the program promises. And I know that it comes from working the steps… I just haven’t quite gotten there yet. I will. That’s the only thing I know for sure. I will get there.

… but not the best I have.
Must realize that there is a difference here. I am not doing the best that I have… I am doing the bare minimum. Just barely hanging on to this “abstinence” by the skin of my teeth, but at least I’ve managed to arrest this binge-free-for-all that I’ve been on for the past few days.
I recognize that I feel closer to my Higher Power when my food plan is more disciplined, but for right now, being a bit farther away is better that having my back turned. So that’s the way I’m going to look at it for now.

Just imagine that this is the answer to every question I ask of my Higher Power.  Interesting.  

But, Higher Power, why …

“Because I love you.  That’s why.  Now nose in the book, and keep working your abstinence.”

That’s all for today.   

So.  That’s kind of where I’m at right now, having cracked under this tall order.  Yet another example of my “powerlessness” but yes, that stops after Step One.  So now get a move on.  You have that “Power Greater than yourself” to look to so

New Definition of Abstinence (no backsies)

3 meals a day, with up to 2 snacks in between.

Bare bones.  

And we must realize that there is “weight gaining abstinence” and “weight losing abstinence” but we aim to be in the losing-to-win category.  For right now, I’d just settle with yet again, doing away with this darn bingeing.  So.   

This was a watershed moment for me.  

Am setting out to make 14 days of continuous abstinence

(Abstinence = Green List foods only; 3-501 with no bingeing.)

I have a community group meeting every two weeks, so tonight was a meeting and my goal is to make it to the next meeting while preserving my green list abstinence.  Once I get through those 14 days, I’ll re-evaluate my list abstinence, but the idea is to get out of the habit of bingeing.

Day #1- Hold me accountable.      

Posting this here for my own records.  

Again, from an e-mail to my sponsor.  (God bless her for bearing with me…)

Dear …:

Once again, I’m struggling.  It’s a bit discouraging to me because I tried so hard not to lose faith in my ability to adjust to the work that we’re doing.
I go back and forth between wanting to beat myself up over this and
realizing that I ought to be gentle with myself.  Part of me feels
like maybe I just wasn’t prepared for the “unbearable lightness of
being” that comes when the obsession is lifted, if that makes any
sense?  I definitely felt the obsession lifted and I have absolutely
not idea what to do with that freedom.  So I suppose the moral of the
story is that the program works and I oughtta be darn well ready for
it to work.

The day started out well; I ate my abstinent breakfast of 1 cup of
loosely packed spinach w. two eggs (omelette kind of) and 1 oz of
cheese.  It was nourishing and satisfying.  I went downtown to meet
some friends for coffee and on the way down, I got this hankering
(woudn’t quite call it a craving) for a cinnamon raisin bagel.  Not
sure where that came from, but b.c I had been working out my
definition of abstinence, I thought that I’d try it out and see where
it’d take me… Big mistake.  Huge.  It was like eating that bagel
opened up this whole world of craving.  I’ve eaten bagels before and
been fine, but I think it just made me feel like the entire day was
thrown because of that one unplanned food.  Came home on the bus, and
all I could think about was bingeing on packets (the store by me sells
them two packages for 1.50) and jelly.  I walked past the store on my
way home and was so proud for resisting… only to go back out, buy
the food and eat them before work.

Feel like I let the kids I teach down b.c I wasn’t able to be as
present for them in my post-binge state.

So what did I do after work?  But of course.  Had to finish what I started.
Bought and ate
a small can of Pringles
a large cup of noodles
1 large chocolate bar
package of digestive cookies
popcorn w. splenda
cherries

Again, I go back and forth between thinking that I’m a failure for
falling down so badly, but knowing that what I need right now is love
and support.  And no secrets or shame.  I need to tell someone else
that I’ve done this because the more I try to hide, the bigger the
disease gets.  I feel like I’ve just caught it with its pants down b.c
what it really wants is me, alone and miserable, and by sharing this
with you, I’m not giving it what it wants.

Things that I’m not doing that I was doing before:
~Going to meetings online.  I haven’t really whole-heartedly gone to
any meetings this week.  Have been full of other things in life (all
good) but that ought not to change that my abstinence is the most
important thing to me right now.  Would like to find one core meeting
and commit to that one (so that people will miss me when I’m not
there….)

Today is July 4th and as our country celebrates its Independence, I
would like to declare my own freedom.
For the next 14 days, I commit to you my abstinence as:
NO RED or YELLOW LIST FOODS (only Green list foods)
3-5 meals a day, with nothing after dinner.

I also commit to not weighing myself again this month.  I do tend to
obsess over the number on the scale, and I don’t want to be
sidetracked by that anymore.

Challenges will be:
The Study tomorrow and the 18th that we’re organizing
(although it’s actually a bit easier that we’re organizing them b.c it
means that A: I’ll have a bit more say in the food that’s served, and
B: I’ll be so busy that I won’t really have time to worry about
eating)  Have already figured out my healthy food for the day and am
looking forward to.  It’s actually a nice marker, too, b.c this will
mark Day #1 and Day #14.

Also, I have an outing possibly planned on the 11th to go to the beach
w. some friends/work colleagues.  It can be challenging b.c I won’t
exactly know the food that will be available BUT if my history has
shown me anything, it’s that I can be very resourceful when I need to
be (tuna travels quite well) and the danger isn’t necessarily in the
challenge, but, again, in the nighttime binge when I’m alone in my
room.

Am just going to keep “stepping up”!

Love (still) in Recovery!