Courage to Change…

TGIF (Thank GOD It’s Fall!)

The past 5 summers in a row have been extraordinarily difficult for me and, while nothing monumental happened this summer (thank the good LORD), now that it’s almost gone I realize that I’ve kind of been holding my breath and waiting. I know that i’ve been holding on to the food for dear life as a coping mechanism and as my way to control what’s going to come next.

Reviewing the past 4 months (May - August) that I’ve been actively working on my food and the OA program, I realize that this has been my pattern: I’d decide that “this time would be it” “It’s for good this time” “now I’m really ready” I’d usually couple that “decision” with a food plan (Atkins) and/or definition of abstinence (3 meals and up to 2 snacks).

How I would fail:
Invariably, within about 11-18 days, the spell would be broken, some feeling (usually boredom or restlessness) would creep up on me and I’d return to my bingeing ways.

What I can do to make a change:
Give it all to God. Simple as that.

I was on the phone with my sponsor last week after finding out that my mom had had to put down our dog (of 13 years) and I mentioned to her that I had no idea what to do about my food. “I don’t know if I should just fast, or if I should eat something,” I told her. “But I’m afraid that if I eat, I’ll end up bingeing. I just don’t know what to do.” “Well,” she answered “You could eat one moderate meal and then go to bed.” she suggested (it was 11PM and I’d only eaten once all day). What a sane and simple thing to do, I thought. Something that wouldn’t have previously occurred to me. “I don’t want to end up bingeing, though.” I said. She responded: “Well, if you give the food to God, He usually takes care of it.” And I found this is simple, but true. He does. And sometimes I am just not willing to give it to Him. Not willing. I’m afraid that I won’t get enough, that I’ll never be enough, and/or that it’ll be too difficult to take what He has to give me.

How is this month different?
For right now, I’m choosing to open my hands and release my control of the food. I choose instead to take control of the only things that are mine to control: my thoughts and my actions. I will try to center my thoughts and actions around health and recovery and to live with the goal of service to others first in my mind.

Things I’m Proud of doing this Summer (with the grace of God):
~Finding and cultivating relationships with an awesome step sponsor that I talk to on the phone, and an amazing food sponsor that I e-mail.

~Getting through all 12 steps in ruthless and fearless honesty.

Things I’ve learned about Myself:
~ The food that works best for my body is vegetables, protein, fruits, limited amounts of unsaturated organic fats (grapeseed or olive oil, mayonnaise, butter) yogurt and cheese.

~ Three meals a day with up to two snacks is an acceptable definition of abstinence.

~ Abstinence begins in my head.

These are my dreams and I will acknowledge them all and the release them up to God. (in no particular order)

#1- Be fluent in Korean and French
#2- Weigh and maintain at 125-135
#3- Stop bingeing.
#4- Become prolific, respected and well-paid.
#5- Get, be, and stay happily married
#6- Get and stay out of consumer debt
#7- Pay off my student loans
#8- To build a positive net worth, become self-insured, have enough to live and give comfortably on, and to know that everyone around me will be well taken care of when I die.
#9- Buy a house outright
#10- Own several Balenciaga bags

For today I will… give them all to God and let them go. I will also choose to make small positive choices that will lead me in the direction of these dreams.

One choice at a time.

I spent 15 minutes in meditation today.  Fifteen minutes quiet and ready to receive in regard to OA.  Just fifteen minutes.  I’m committed to doing that for as long as possible.  I think that would be a good habit to cultivate.  

My goal is to train myself to think of food primarily as fuel.

I realized that “trying” to lose weight has become a hobby for me.  Interest in body shape and appearance has also become a past time.  I would like to stop this preoccupation with food and body image to shift to occupation with subjects that will equip me to do the work I have been called to do.

Subjects I would like to become occupied with include: Music, Language Mastery (French, Arabic, Korean), Cultural Theory, Economics, Science.  

Interestingly enough, I feel like this can probably best be accomplished by committing to a proven daily plan and routine with food, which will then free me to pursue these other interests.  

My Plan:

Physical:

• Atkins (Induction for the next 13 days, then moving to OWL)
• Write down all food intake
• Some form of exercise at least 3x a week (appx 60 mins x3) 

Spiritual:

• 15 minutes of meditation a day

Emotional

• at least 15 minutes food reflection/writing
• at least 15 minutes program work.