Courage to Change…

Have been imperfectly abstinent since 7/15 (the date I gave away my 4th step). It’s been really really hard and someone had said that if you don’t feel like you’re losing your mind in the first 30 days of abstinence, then you’re not doing it right. So if that’s my barometer, then I must be doing something REALLY right…

Fight for your right to be uncomfortable.

Guess what? I feel like it only gets harder.

Made the decision not to turn to the food today. After making and taking an abstinent dinner over to a friend/co-worker’s house, I made the conscious choice not to buy the food item I was looking for. I went to look at two stores, but they were both closed and rather than trekking to the all night store that I knew would be open, I made the choice to turn around and continue on with my night. I probably over ate some of the other food items at the house, but they are not on my “red light” food list.

Walked home on edge and feeling a sense of “presence” in my own body that was both uncomfortable and thrilling. Arrived home only to discover that the leftovers had spilled in my bag. Annoyance #1. Then, when I went to put the salad dressing away in the fridge, it opened and spilled all over the floor. Annoyance# 2. And I felt like turning it all in right there.

Sometimes, it feels like life only gets tougher once I make the decision for abstinence, but darn it, I’m making that decision and I’m going to trust that keeping this space open and not filling it with food will create space for something wonderful to come in. My Higher Power can and will come to my aid when I seek Him, but I must be willing to seek Him and willing to do what He tells me.

That’s all.

Day #16.