Courage to Change…

But have been taking a break from the blog. Feel like I was choking myself with my own expectations.
“Are you abstinent now? No? What about now? Now? How about now?” GOSH!!! Shut it, already! Sometimes I get on my own nerves.

As of right now, still, my abstinence is: 3 meals with up to 2 snacks. And I’m working it. My food for the past two days has been HUGE, but I’m working it, and still fully committed to working it and not running when the going gets tough.

This week I finished the fourth and fifth steps (personal inventory and admitting to God, myself, and another person the exact nature of my wrongs) and my WORD was it ever transformative. I took step three on the phone with my incredible step sponsor and immediately wanted to get started on step four. It’s the first time I’ve ever done it (I mean, really done it) with a sponsor and it was like a thorough emotional housecleaning. Of course, the first thing I wanted to do after we finished was go EAT, but as she encouraged me, I got up and went for a walk, instead. Felt drained, exhausted, dizzy and nauseous, but better in every sense of the word.

Will be starting summer intensive classes at work so for the next month, I’ll be pretty fully occupied. Am hoping that this time will refine me and pull me closer to the person my Higher Power wants me to be…

My hope is to stay abstinent through it all.

From an e-mail to my (3!) food sponsors:

Today I:

~Ate 3 meals and up to 2 (really huge) snacks.
~Said the Third Step prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Said the Serenity Prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Asked for willingness, guidance and direction from my Higher Power.
~Asked Him for the power to carry that out.

Was another “Big Food” day. It’s a bit frustrating when I can’t predict the meal situation that I’m going into. For example, I ate breakfast at home before going to a meeting, then everyone at the meeting decided that they wanted to eat lunch, but I had already made lunch plans with someone else. Didn’t want to eat again, but also didn’t want to “use up” my lunch when I had already made those plans. Usually, I don’t have a problem just sitting at the table and NOT eating while everyone else is eating (and saying “Oh, I’m enjoying just being with you all…) but this time it was just awkward and they charge per person sitting at the table and blah blah blah. Argh. Solved it by ordering less at the second “lunch” and calling it a snack.

The food is sticking in my throat even though I’m chewing it. It’s not white knuckle, but it’s uncomfortable. I know that I’ll get better with practice, but it’s just so darn difficult sometimes. I’m taking that as a sign that I’m doing it right. Sometimes I wonder if chili and fries is really considered a snack, but I’m sincerely trying to keep moving forward in this process of surrendering my food and serving my Higher power with it.

Victories:
~NOT eating the two packages of crackers that I bought.
~Putting down the popcorn when I was talking to my mom.

Could have done better:
~Eating yogurt and crackers as a “snack” at the second meeting of the day. I was already full and just wanted to eat over my frustration at the day. It didn’t work (it never does) but I was able to stop and didn’t go out to get more.

Tomorrow I commit to:
~3 meals and up to 2 snacks.
~Saying the Third Step prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Saying the Serenity Prayer out loud before I leave the house in the morning.
~Asking for willingness, guidance and direction from my Higher Power and for the power to carry that out.

Thanks for listening!