Courage to Change…

Posting this here for my own records.  

Again, from an e-mail to my sponsor.  (God bless her for bearing with me…)

Dear …:

Once again, I’m struggling.  It’s a bit discouraging to me because I tried so hard not to lose faith in my ability to adjust to the work that we’re doing.
I go back and forth between wanting to beat myself up over this and
realizing that I ought to be gentle with myself.  Part of me feels
like maybe I just wasn’t prepared for the “unbearable lightness of
being” that comes when the obsession is lifted, if that makes any
sense?  I definitely felt the obsession lifted and I have absolutely
not idea what to do with that freedom.  So I suppose the moral of the
story is that the program works and I oughtta be darn well ready for
it to work.

The day started out well; I ate my abstinent breakfast of 1 cup of
loosely packed spinach w. two eggs (omelette kind of) and 1 oz of
cheese.  It was nourishing and satisfying.  I went downtown to meet
some friends for coffee and on the way down, I got this hankering
(woudn’t quite call it a craving) for a cinnamon raisin bagel.  Not
sure where that came from, but b.c I had been working out my
definition of abstinence, I thought that I’d try it out and see where
it’d take me… Big mistake.  Huge.  It was like eating that bagel
opened up this whole world of craving.  I’ve eaten bagels before and
been fine, but I think it just made me feel like the entire day was
thrown because of that one unplanned food.  Came home on the bus, and
all I could think about was bingeing on packets (the store by me sells
them two packages for 1.50) and jelly.  I walked past the store on my
way home and was so proud for resisting… only to go back out, buy
the food and eat them before work.

Feel like I let the kids I teach down b.c I wasn’t able to be as
present for them in my post-binge state.

So what did I do after work?  But of course.  Had to finish what I started.
Bought and ate
a small can of Pringles
a large cup of noodles
1 large chocolate bar
package of digestive cookies
popcorn w. splenda
cherries

Again, I go back and forth between thinking that I’m a failure for
falling down so badly, but knowing that what I need right now is love
and support.  And no secrets or shame.  I need to tell someone else
that I’ve done this because the more I try to hide, the bigger the
disease gets.  I feel like I’ve just caught it with its pants down b.c
what it really wants is me, alone and miserable, and by sharing this
with you, I’m not giving it what it wants.

Things that I’m not doing that I was doing before:
~Going to meetings online.  I haven’t really whole-heartedly gone to
any meetings this week.  Have been full of other things in life (all
good) but that ought not to change that my abstinence is the most
important thing to me right now.  Would like to find one core meeting
and commit to that one (so that people will miss me when I’m not
there….)

Today is July 4th and as our country celebrates its Independence, I
would like to declare my own freedom.
For the next 14 days, I commit to you my abstinence as:
NO RED or YELLOW LIST FOODS (only Green list foods)
3-5 meals a day, with nothing after dinner.

I also commit to not weighing myself again this month.  I do tend to
obsess over the number on the scale, and I don’t want to be
sidetracked by that anymore.

Challenges will be:
The Study tomorrow and the 18th that we’re organizing
(although it’s actually a bit easier that we’re organizing them b.c it
means that A: I’ll have a bit more say in the food that’s served, and
B: I’ll be so busy that I won’t really have time to worry about
eating)  Have already figured out my healthy food for the day and am
looking forward to.  It’s actually a nice marker, too, b.c this will
mark Day #1 and Day #14.

Also, I have an outing possibly planned on the 11th to go to the beach
w. some friends/work colleagues.  It can be challenging b.c I won’t
exactly know the food that will be available BUT if my history has
shown me anything, it’s that I can be very resourceful when I need to
be (tuna travels quite well) and the danger isn’t necessarily in the
challenge, but, again, in the nighttime binge when I’m alone in my
room.

Am just going to keep “stepping up”!

Love (still) in Recovery!