Courage to Change…

From an e-mail to my dear sponsor… 

RE: Abstinence-

“I heard a speaker say was that in the long run, it didn’t matter if she had 5 years and (x) months or 5 years and (z) months, so I suppose the point is just to keep on working and not sweat it.   

I do know that for today, I am abstinent. 

I’m also working on narrowing down my definition of abstinence.  301 was a bit of a relief for me at first, but I sometimes find myself keeping such long hours (up at 8AM, bed at 2AM) that I feel like I need something else somewhere, but I also feel like if I allow a snack, it might open the floodgates… Argh.  Not sure.  I also feel like my Higher power is reaffirming that Red List foods aren’t in His plan for me for right now…. So.  Perhaps my definition of abstinence can be expanded to 501 (if necessary) with no red list foods?  The idea of “snacks” and “snacking” is scary to me right now, because I think of a snack as something that I would eat mindlessly.  A “meal” I have to think about and be present for, so this is what I’m going to use in my definition.  

The key for me, that I’m finding is

A: being very purposeful about my meals, what I’m going to eat, and when I’m going to stop and

B: Absolutely not eating after my final meal.  

MUST remember that this abstinence brings freedom with it. This abstinence brings freedom.  Must remember that a choice of abstinence is a choice for freedom and I want very much to be free.

Also, to amend my previous e-mail, on reflection from last night, I don’t believe that it was my plan that my Higher Power was asking me to let go of, so much as it was my will for that plan.  I sincerely do believe that when we make our plans, we commit them to Him and that He will reveal His will to us if we ask Him to.  I feel like last night He revealed His will to me and asked me to let go of my will and desire for that food, but I was unwilling to do that.  I didn’t binge, but I don’t think I was abstinent.  ”Freedom is a process,” so they say.    

And my gratitude list, just because I’m proud of it

Gratitudes: ~TWO Absolutely awesome coffee dates this morning w. two very special women. ~Feeling like I was listening to the same voice as these two women. ~This feeling of connection with my Higher Power ~The feeling of fear it inspires ~This feeling of calm ~Serenity ~Joy ~My new cell phone charm that I got for less than the equivalent of one dollar. ~Finding the perfect birthday present(s) for my sister in exactly the dollar amount that I wanted to spend. ~Abstinence ~The extra time that I’ve gained from not eating compulsively that enabled me to finish a bible study I was working on. ~Clarity