Courage to Change…

Here’s the e-mail I sent to my sponsor.  We’ll see…

Today was a bit shaky.  I question whether or not I was abstinent, but
for my own morale, I would like to credit myself with abstinence
because I have been 7 days w.o a binge (defined as eating food alone
with more than 3 red list items) and I would very much like to add to
this as opposed to starting from back from Day One.  The longest I
have gone without a binge (by this definition) has been 19 days.

I do believe that I made it through abstinent, although I definitely
ate too much.  I had planned to go to the movies with some friends and
wanted so badly to have popcorn with them at the theater.  [Here I
interject to say that I have been reading the Big Book and realize
that we as Compulsive Eaters have done everything to try to eat like
our fellow man and have found that we can't.  I realize this.  It
would have been a better choice for me not to plan to have popcorn w.
them, but I also have noticed that I tend to obsess over relatively
small things I'm On Plan, only to get blindsided by a big binge when I
feel like I've 'deprived' myself for too long.  I've found that it's
not abstaining from movie theater popcorn that's the problem, it's
abstaining from the binge alone in my room at 3 in the morning that's
the challenge.]

I had purposely eaten my dinner late so I could have the popcorn as an
addition to dinner (first mistake) There were some delays in getting
to the theater and then by the time we got there, I found that they
didn’t serve diet soda and I didn’t feel like having the popcorn by
itself.  So instead of just making do with the water in my purse, I
went across the street and bought some diet soda of my own and two
packages of crackers.  I could have chosen differently with the food,
but I feel like I had a plan and things didn’t go according to my plan
so instead of choosing to let go of my plan, I held on.

This has definitely taught me a lesson about expectations, as the food
was only the first of  the list of expectations that I had for the
evening… As I’ve heard in the rooms “Expectations are resentments
waiting to happen”

I believe I was abstinent, b.c I didn’t use food in a compulsive
manner, but I definitely could have chosen better.  Am also learning
that most of the battle for me is in my motivation and commitment to
working the program.  I tend to allow my “perfectionism” to rule what
I put in my mouth.  If I feel “too full” sometimes I feel like I’ve
messed up entirely and just want to throw in the towel and binge b.c
“what’s the use?  I’ve already messed up.” but it does come back to
that “weight between my ears” that must be shed first.  Must also
remember that unlike the weight on my body, the weight between my ears
can be shed instantly, the moment I decide to step out of the fat suit
of running my own life.  Hmmm.

I’m trying to define what is a “moderate meal”.  I often find that I
get full on small amounts, but am hungry 20-30 minutes later.  I’ve
heard people say that it’s good to eat 6 small meals a day, but for a
compulsive eater, that does NOT sound like a good idea.

Would very much like to know what you think.  If you think that I
should start back at Day 1, then I will.

Food Plan:
301- working towards no red list foods

Exercise Plan:
Rest Day

Spiritual Plan:
Read Study Pray - AM/PM

Gratitudes:
~A commitment to work towards abstinence.
~Free periods during which I finished my 3rd step work (yay!)
~A renewed and stronger connection with my Higher Power.
~A good friend who I’m texting to wake up at 8AM w. me.
~Getting up at 8AM and actually staying awake
~Good friends to go see a movie with.
~An attractive, funny, polite co-worker who’s just fun to look at
~Start on cleaning my kitchen (symbolic as well as actual)
~Good friends in general.
~Realizing that I have never felt ‘happier’ in my life.