It’s been over a week since i updated, and guess what. For once I don’t have much to say, nothing overly depressing or “woe is me”. Not this time. I have been thinking a lot about things as always but I’ve been distracting myself and occupying my time with writing. I only write fan fiction but it’s fun and it gives me something else to ponder. I am really bad at it, and drawing, but these things make me… happy at times. It’s nice to just let go and do something you like to do even if you are terrible at it. Maybe someday with enough practice I will be better. Never a master but… better.
I am 8 days without a binge, and still going strong. I have not had much urge to do so. I guess it helps when you occupy your time with other things when you start feeling it. Video games and phone apps are a good way to distract yourself.
So a more positive update today, nothing too terrible. No past childhood ramblings this time just good old fashion…….
“Today was a good day.”
so I’ve been tracking my food the past week. and I have to say I am so incredibaly disappointed in myself. It’s a no wonder I’m losing nothing, and my blood pressure is too high. I really need to get this under control. I eat such fatty food, and far too many calories. Not enough fruits or Veggies either. More exercise too, a lot more. I use my WII, I would use the Kinect but your shape game doesn’t track my leg movements well at all, so I get credit for like 1 out of every 15-20 reps.
I’ve been thinking why I eat so much, other then the fact I’m a compulsive eater. I think it doesn’t help that I was a bit deprived as a child. I know your thinking “OH PUULLEEEEEZ” but hear me out. I was taking dexatrim? Is that how you spell it? before I was 13, I took slimfast to school for my lunch instead of sandwiches and chips. Hell she even took my halloween candy. Let me go out with my little sister, then snatch it away the second I walked in the door. Either ate it, or gave it to my sister. My dad, when I moved in with him wasn’t much better at times. There was one time, not for the same reasons, he actually padlocked the fridge. Even changed the pantry door knob to a key lock and a deadbolt.
Didn’t get better after becoming homeless for a few years. Guess i got used to the “If you have it EAT IT” mentallity never quite got rid of it. I do find myself telling me I need to relax. “No one is going to take your food, it’s yours and it will be there if you eat it now, or wait till your hungry. NO ONE can tell you you can’t eat, no one is going to lock your fridge or your cupboards. It’s ok to let it sit there, it’s safe.”
Pathetic right? I know.
So I need to update here more often, I know. I just never know what to say. I guess I could start with the obvious. What has been going on. MY Blood pressure is high again, so my doc not only doubled the dose of my BP meds but added a second one.
I asked my doctor the other day for a breast reduction, he got in touch with the … specialists? I guess… and they said I need a BMI of 40 or less, so I have a bit of a motivator for losing more weight.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not a shut in, I am what they call an introvert. Which seems to fit me more so still finding myself, the process is slow, but I am happy with the results so far.
So I have a new goal, 250 lbs for my first major goal which is just under 40 BMI. March goals are pretty simple, learn to eat better and cook more instead of tv dinners and boxed stuff. And to update this blog more often. Just rambling if that is all I can think of.
You know once in awhile I sit here and read the posts I’ve already done. And I try to come up with something to say for an update but nothing ever comes. I am just terrible at blogs I don’t know the first thing about what to say and what not to say. I say that like every time I blog, but it’s still true as it was the first time. still trying to find my center, my balance that will keep me on the straight and narrow. Working through mental blocks and idiotic notions that have been embedded into my mind since I was just a wee little thing.
For example, it’s like, people say we are a product of our upbringing, but then we have those who say that’s utter bullshit. It’s true, and it’s true. We are a product of our upbringing, influenced by everything around us, and yet we have the ability to look back on it and say “NO I don’t want to believe that anymore. It’s wrong to who I am, who I want to be. NO!”
I guess now it’s just a matter of me actually believing that I believe that. Who I became, is not who I was suppose to be, much to my families chagrin. Ironic because who I became is a reflection of how I was treated. Who I want to be who I TRULY AM, is not who I was suppose to be, and not who I became. I know who is in my heart, and who I want to be. I guess it’s just a matter of removing the teachings and beliefs, the memories that keeps the chains locked. Every day I have to remind myself, I am who I am not who they are, not who they want me to be. One day I may finally 100% believe that.
But that is just one of the things i need to work through, one of the less dark and dangerous things that roll around in my mind.
Anyway, enough rambling for one day.
I’ve been sitting here the last several days thinking, just thinking. Thinking about my past, my present my future. I know a bit cliché right? But I was thinking about all the things that happened and that I’ve done. Vices I embraced and then defeated. I’ve done a lot when I think about it, things that to everyone else would seem mundane and useless. Make people stare at me in an odd fashion and say “Whatever whiny baby”. But to me they seem huge, success that belongs to me and me alone.
I was adopted, never felt a part of the family. Always the odd one out once my parents had their first and only blood child, my younger sister. Mentally, emotionally, physically abused. Always under attack about everything from how I brushed my hair to how terrible I was as a daughter. I drank, I smoked, I did drugs, stole money from my family. I was a loner in school, my first friend was in sixth grade who I fell head over heals for, and to hide my love for her, and the fact I liked women as well, I found my first boyfriend. Who by the way totally left me for her because I wouldn’t do certain things. I denied so many things about myself which I find in the long run only hurt me more.
I’m 33 now, looking back. So many things have changed, I don’t deny who I am, what I am.
I am Chrys
I am Gender-fluid, NOT a tomboy.
I am bi-sexual/asexual, I love all genders romantically but no one sexually.
I am an recovering Alcoholic, because lets face it you are never fully recovered.
I am an ex smoker.
I am an ex drug user, no more weed, no more meth, no more acid. No more of any of that.
I have forgiven my family who their actions.
I have admitted to my mental and physical disabilities.
I have always loved writing and drawing, and while I am terrible at both, I have found that it doesn’t matter, if I love doing it then just do it.
I have forgiven myself for the horrid ways I allowed myself to be treated by others. I am not a person who can no longer be owned.
I have forgiven those in my past who have used me.
I have cut loose those who made my life worse, those I kept around despite the devastation they reaped on me emotionally and mentally.
I’ve defeated a great many other things, but the list is far too long. I will probably regret posting this later but oh well. I needed it down so I can see it when I forget.
I don’t have much left in my life that drags me down other then my own mind and my own thoughts. I am a mental case, but I can live with that, I have little choice. I am in pain every day and will be for the rest of my life, I will have to live with that.
I am an obese compulsive eater, but I don’t have to live with that. I no longer have to live with smoking, drugs, abuse, alcohol, I have to live with this body but that is something I can change. So why do I find it so hard? Why can’t I stop eating and lose weight?
Well I just don’t have the answer to that anymore.
I haven’t been ignoring the blog so to speak, I come here every day I just don’t know what to say. I am not a blogger so I don’t know how to blog, so to speak. I stare at this page every day watching the cursor blinking, waiting for me so say something meaningful or helpful or insightful. I don’t know, what do you do with a blog? What do you write? How do you write it? What do I talk about? I just have no idea. I could just log in and say “Update So and so number of days, the end” But that would seem silly, writing a single sentence each day on a blog no one reads.
By the way, day 4… I started on the 24th again 🙁 I am terrible at overeating. I don’t even really get any pleasure out of it, none of that “Oh this is sooo good! Or oh my lovely!” It’s like I hit cruise control and my hand just keeps reaching for no real reason other then habit.
December 19th, day 2 successfully managed.
My muscles still hurt, no real exercise today. I have decided air popped popcorn would be the way to go when I snack, I eat it slow and it’s lowfat. It helps, and with hot tea I eat it slower.
I am determined to make it this time around. I let my moods and my fibro dictate my life, but I know i can’t keep doing that. And I can’t keep using them as an excuse either.
I’ve gone two days without over eating, and without a binge. It doesn’t sound like much to most people, but to me it is a big thing.
Again, Day 1. I didn’t eat today other then when I was hungry, or when I needed to because common sense said I needed to. I didn’t eat big either. I ate decent sized portions, no seconds.
I didn’t exercise today because I pulled a muscle or something in my chest, and one in my leg, so I am taking it easy, I did do my quick body test and weighed in at 297 today. I have 7 more to lose in two weeks to reach my December goal. of losing 15lbs.
I am in a bit of a rut emotionally, not depression persay, just down because of the pain and the lack of exercise I could do today. But I must heal when I need to to keep from over doing it and making it worse.
So day 1 in the bag…. Tomorrow will be another successful day of…. well I guess in OEA they call it abstinence.
So I kind of bailed on the blogging soon after I started huh. I had some problems i needed to work out, but I am hoping I am back on my path. I’ve been in a bit of pain, which leads to depression after awhile from lack of being able to do things.I’m slowly getting back into writing again, a hobby that keeps me semi-sane which helps with some of my problems.
I have lost a pound, only one, but one at a time right? Step by step, all that jazz.
I hate the holidays, too much emphasis on family and how terrible I am for not wanting to be around mine and all that. I’d get drunk, but financial problems make that impossible which is PROBABLY a good thing lol. anyway all for now.
So three days so far, and I think I am doing…. ok. Not great but ok. I did have some ice cream but I blame that on my sudden craving for things sweet. Happens every month *sigh* Didn’t feel to well yesterday so I didn’t post.
I am starting my Wii exercises and some other things on my Kinect. I have come to the conclusion to keep myself from eating all the time, each time I want to eat, I will clean or drink a cup of hot tea. By the time I am done with it I usually don’t care to eat, so if I can keep that up perhps it will work.
I anticipate losing my internet for the weekend, comcast blows balls and they won’t give me a 3 day extension so it will give me a weekend to work on my writing. Perhaps I can get out of my writers slump which will help my mood. I am trying to not be so hard on myself but that is something that is not going so well. It takes time to work through decades of hellish thoughts and habits you are taught. How I was raised is one of the bigger reasons for my body issues and social anxieties. “Everyone judges you, and no one wants to see a fat girl walking around in public.” “Your going to grow up a nothing, living out of a car in some truck stop parking lot.” Shit like that. Tends to get into the head at such an early age.
Anyway, guess that’s it for now, Be back on monday, because if I know comcast they won’t wait to shut me down.