I woke up this morning in a pretty good place. I have a plan. I’m going to start drinking a whole lot more water. I’m going to walk more. I’m going to start exercising more and building muscle. I’m also going to be thankful for all of the things that I have, and make a plan to get the things that I want.  This is NOT going to kick my ass.

Since I left my husband, I have been doing a lot of hanging out with my kids, thinking, healing, praying and reflecting on my choices.  I posted an ad on an online dating service, fully aware that I’m not even close to ready to have a real relationship, just to see whats out there.  I didn’t put a picture up. My justification to myself is that I really didn’t want anyone that I know to stumble across it. The real reason is, I’m afraid that I’ll be the fattest girl on there and nobody will respond.  The guys who have actually responded keep asking for pictures and I just tell them that I’m just an ugly nerdy old mom.  I wonder what I’m doing, or even why I’m putting forth the effort.  Then I ask myself “If they wouldn’t like me this way, then maybe they arent worth it”. But…I don’t even like MYSELF this way so how can I expect anybody else to?? Some days it really sucks being a Gemini and having exactly 2 different opinions on everything.

The worst part about this is….I really want to have sex. I love it, I miss it.  What a dilemma….

I was loading meat into the freezer today and started really looking at the 1 lb rolls of ground beef.  I can NOT believe that I need to lose over 100 of those (and how am I still in the same size pants after losing over 30 of these?). WTH happened to me? At what point did I stop caring about what I looked like? I used to be pretty cute, if not exactly pretty.  I’m pretty sure that finding out the answer to that question is where I need to focus.

I know that I used to get a lot of attention from men wherever I went, and it made me pretty uncomfortable after I got married.   After I got married I plumped up pretty good (obviously).  Maybe I was trying to keep myself faithful?  Who knows.  Note to self: talk to a shrink about stupid reasons to get fat.

I finally left my husband in August.    I also joined weight watchers, quit my job, started college and moved myself and my kids to a tiny 2 bedroom apartment where we now live in peace.

To say that my life needed an enema would be a complete understatement. What a nightmare I lived in for 8 years.  I can’t believe some of the choices I have made.

I went to the doctor in January, after having an anxiety attack at work ( I thought I was having a heart attack). The nurse weighed me and I really thought their scale was broken. I weighed a staggering 294 lbs.  My doc told me that I needed to lose 10 lbs before I came back to see him, so I immediately began a diet.   I lost 9 lbs the 1st week, gained 7 back the 2nd week and on that went for the next 5 months.

I decided to start weight watchers in June after yo-yoing and feeling like a failure.  When I started the first day. I was 289 lbs.  Finally down to 260.