Realizing Reality

In my mind, I am a fit and healthy woman who can achieve any goal I set.  I’m always happy, I get things done, I can solve any problem, I go mountain climbing, I speak five or six different languages (fluently no less!), I am a computer whiz, I am a respected archaeologist, I am a genius scientist, I am a professional basketball player, I am an Olympic-caliber equestrian (dressage and eventing!!), I have a wonderful husband and wonderful kids that are just as wonderful as I am, I have tons of friends, in short - I am totally Mary Sue in my own mind!!

“Mary Sue” is a semi-famous character type in bad fan fiction that typically has a major role in the plot and is particularly characterized by overly idealized and cliched mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, …[possesses] unrealistic, unlikely, and often exotic skills and traits above and beyond those that would have been expected of any character (thanks, Wikipedia!).  Kind of aptly describes my mental view of myself, eh?

 In reality, all of that description - not so much.  Oh, there is actually quite a bit of truth in there, just not those “unrealistic, unlikely, and often exotic skills and traits”.  Here’s the rundown:

 - fit and healthy woman:  except for the morbid obesity, medical quirks that cause PCOS-like symptoms, etc, I am near-disgustingly healthy - lab tests, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc all really good - not just for someone my size but in accordance with what the results are supposed to be;

 - who can achieve any goal I set:  pretty much except for losing weight;

- always happy:  most of the time, I am happy;

- get things done:  yes and no - I get lots of things done but I can also procrastinate with the best;

- can solve any problem:  most of them, excpet for losing weight;

- go mountain climbing:  I’ve done it (small mountains), would like to do it again;

- speak five or six different languages (fluently no less!):  em, no.  Just two, very basically;

- a computer whiz:  I’m OK, but not interested enough to really be too good at it;

- a respected archaeologist:  not in a million years but I do like reading about Amelia Peabody;

- a genius scientist:  not a chance but I did tell my Mom that I wanted to be Marie Curie when I was in the second grade - before I found out that she died from radiation exposure.  They kind of left that out of the story I read;

- a professional basketball player:  nyet, but I was fairly good in high school and great in college intramurals;

- an Olympic-caliber equestrian (dressage and eventing!!):  ah, no - although I was a really good dressage and eventing rider before I got fat (and probably would be again if I ever lose enough weight).  Even then, I’m not ever likely to be brave enough/stupid enough to do anything beyond novice/training level;

- have a wonderful husband and wonderful kids:  haven’t met the right guy yet but I still have hope (not, you know, a lot but still…);

- have tons of friends:  I have a lot of people that don’t mind me hanging around and that don’t hesitate to call me if they need some help - does that count?   

So this isn’t the start of a new journey, the beginning of a new life, anything inspirational like that…just another day in my nine year-going on ten year battle against serious weight issues.  I’m hoping that the fact that someone is insane enough to still be trying after that long might help encourage others that are struggling as well.  I see a lot of blogs where people are discouraged because they only lost 1/2 a pound this week or they only lost three pounds this month - part of me just wants to scream “oh, please - spare me” (and other, less printable things) because success like that is just unimagineable for me.  I know I’m not the only one who has a hard time making any headway toward my weight loss goals - maybe others like me have all of those blogs out there with the “what you’re looking for isn’t here” messages.  I’m going to try not to do that but I can’t make any promises.   Wish me luck!

 Current Stats:  height - 5′7″; weight - 251.5 lbs.