Fighting the Dark Cloud of pudge!!

I read a great aricle in last month’s Oprah magazine called “The Beast Within” by Martha Beck.  www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200902_omag_beck

In the article she addresses addiction/depression etc by talking about a “Beast Within” that basically exists when we reach for the drug - or in my case the chocolate.  The theory is that whatever is making us do that reaching (job, mother et al) is a part of our lives that we need to change.

Seems obvious enough but I have spent some time really considering this.  No, I am NOT going to kill my mother…but I realized that whenever I diette my self sabotage occurs at work, or when I have encounters with Mom (phone, in person etc).  Those are the stress triggers that really put me out of control.

According to the article, this beast within is not the so-called the bad guy but instead is telling us that we are doing something that does not work with our own psyche.  In my job case, after some reflection I think I would like to self-demote to being a teacher rather than an administrator.  Big step.  It goes against everything we have read in our lives about striving to get to the top etc.

I realized that I am not all that thrilled with even the middle, never mind the top!  I do not like having to butt heads with students, other administrators (who are not doing their jobs but someone make it MY problem) et al.  When I started reflecting on moving up I was even less thrilled with the a** kissing done to massage egos rather than focusing on the students.  When I realized that running a school where the staff is happy (and not scared to open their classroom doors when they hear arguing in the hallway) and the students are thriving (33 of my 63 at risk students got ALL of their credits last quad) was not considered the doorway to promotion but attending meetings with the other schools in the area was high on the list, I knew that path was not for me.

When I thought back, my happiest years in this career (I hve had several careers) were when I was a teacher.  I loved working with the kids, joking with them, advising them and even prodding when necessary.  Students enjoyed my classes (or at least they did not admit it if they didn’t).  I think that is part of reckoning with the beast within.  By going back to teaching, and taking away the pressure to get promoted to administration, I can use my free time (ok, right now I using ALL my free time in part time jobs to pay down my debts but once that is done…) to pursue my other interests, which have been neglected and missed, such as theatre and film.  I want to get back to acting and writing.

So, after my last ranting blog, this is a much calmer Cdn Chunky!

I recommend anyone battling the beast within read the article! It didn’t change my life per se, but it did fall into line with the reflecting I was/still am doing.

Cheers!

Cheers

Well, the waitte comes and goes.  Up and down those 2 pounds.  It made me think about models starving themselves and women starving themselves to emulate models.  Then I thought about all the pressure I (and all of us) put on ourselves.  How consumed we are with die- etting.  And something snapped.

I decided that this is who I am.  maybe if I stopped judging my days by the numbers on the skale and just starting living I would be happier.  I know I have not been happy lately.  So I am trying to just eeat when I want to.  Not worry about it all.  So what if I need a larger pair of pants.  I miss the happy go-lucky person I used to be when I did not spend my free time worrying about how others saw me.  Can we ever control how others evaluate us?

Perhaps in part it was the feedback I got about the interview.  I did not get the job.  Granted they called for references BEFORE the interview - which is illegal.  I could have challenged it through the union, but why?  It was a demotion.  It was a better school, but a demotion.  And in all honesty, not a great job at that.  I found it interesting that they felt when staff did not comply with the legal aspects of their job when dealing with spec ed kids that I should coddle the staff more than I said I would.  My past approach has been direct.  I spell out that they can be sued and offer to assist them in the accommodations.  Really, I don’t even coddle the kids a lot as I know they have to learn to advocate for themselves etc.  I give them the tools to be who they are.  My belief is that my time should be spent focussing on them, not the feelings of teachers who are not doing their jobs.  At that point I knew i had dodged a career bullet.  But somehow the thoughts of how I appeared stuck with me.

Perhaps it lay the ground work for my latest revelation.  But I don’t want to be someone I am not.  AND if I have to loze a ton of waitte to fit someone else’s vision of me (and I have not even determine WHO this someone is) then maybe I am chasing ghosts.

Funny but once I started trying to lose it all, I began having problems losing it all.

More to explore on this journey…

Cheers!