Fighting the Dark Cloud of pudge!!

I was at my Mary Kay Conference this weekend.  Although I have been a consultant for approximately 10 years I haven’t gone to one of these in a while, but I KNEW I had to go this year.  Largely this is due the uplifting experience they always are.  I needed that.  It has been a rough year.  AND I am really glad I went.  Aside from the sales aspect of the career, it is just plain fun, and, in all honesty, I haven’t had fun for a while.

One thing a speaker commented on is that nasty self talk we all do that sabotages what we are hoping to achieve.  I tried to consider this in the waitte loss arena.  Not sure if this it true, but she said that our brains don’t follow the “don’t” instruction.  So if you say “I don’t want to be 190 anymore” your brain will read “I want to be  190″.  Instead you should focus on “It will be great to be 136 again.  I can’t wait to see how I will look”.  What you think about, you bring about.  So, I started using that mantra this mo  Still plugging along.  Looking forward to DH moving up to Toronto. On a sad front, my sister-in-law - who hasrning.  Somehow I don’t feel as hungry.

Not even considering the money making aspect of MK, I do recommend that you either find a consultant to take you to a meeting, or sign up yourself as a consultant!  I know I sound like I have been brain washed, but I haven’t.  The personal growth and positive atmosphere is worth the effort.  Fear not, I cannot sign you up if you live outside of Canada.  If you live inside Canada, that is another story!! If you are interested, email me!  I swear on my much loved dog’s head that you will have the time of your life.

Other than that not much to report.  My sister-in-law - who has colon cancer - has been given only weeks to live.  I saw her when I was in CT last weekend.  She is still in good spirits, so I am hoping that dr was wrong.  My concern is the chemo is stopping her from eating.  I know from my Dad that this can kill you before the illness does.  DH assures me she eats every few days.  I hope it is enough to sustain her. If you are into praying, add one for her, please.

Think positively!

No, not a comment on earth hour in a couple of weeks.  I think I may have a revelation regarding my waitte situation.   My mother (and isn’t Mom ALWAYS involved) is planning a party, for herself (not for my wedding).  I have no problem with that.  She likes to have parties.  What I find odd is the timing.  Her party will be May 10.  My wedding will be July 6.  Rather close?  She is inviting almost as many people to her party.  Mom has always loved the limelight.  Do you feel something perculating??

I think that all of my life my Mother (who is not a happy person by nature) has been jealous of me.  (She is often jealous of other people - although by most standards she had a really good life).  I suspect that this  conflict between loving me and being jealous of me could be at the root of my waitte problem. I am very sensitive (always have been - I am a Cancerian after all) to changes in the status quo.  So, imagine as a young child volleying between love and jealousy?  How can a child/teen/young adult comprehend this.  Love should be love.  Jealousy is not within someone who loves you.  Heck, it has taken me until my mid-40s to learn the two can live together within someone.

Assume now that I am not the only one of us with a problem such as this.  Perhaps there has been a dichotomy somewhere in all of our lives.  A conflict of emotions which we cannot understand so we take refuge in eating.  In my case, I suspect my Mother has been secretly happy that  I am a pudge as there is less chance of losing the limelight to me.  She would tell me to diette and then make me a lunch full of candy (aside from my sandwich etc).  Makes me wonder.  Granted I do not think she is fully aware of it herself  or maybe she is.  Who knows what others are thinking?

Perhaps if we all delve into our relationships with family members we can find where the emotional issue that plagues us and makes us self sabotage is.

Do you think I could be onto something…or do I just sound like another whiner who is blaming Mommy??!

Let me know what you think.

Thank you so much for the comments on my blog.  It is nice to meet new (well new to me) bloggers!  We just trudge onward!

I was thinking about learned helplessness and wondered if there was a parallel for being overweight.  Learned helplessness is something you find with the disabled (deaf, blind, physically) whereby they simply say “I am blind” and people help them.  So, they never really learn to take care of themselves.  Being in the field of Special Education, I have learned a fair amount about that. Not sure why it came to mind as I  don;t have any students in that situation right now (although I have had students who said “I can’t do that I am special ed” before - and I cut them off at the knees<not literally> with that one).

I wondered if maybe we get so used to being overweight, and the people around us expect us to be overweight that we fall into a pudge helplessness.   When we change it gives people an initial shock - good or bad.  No doubt it gives us one too. We hate being pudged but it is a safe place as we know it and are used to it.  Perhaps that is why we (at least I) self sabotage.  We work hard to lose the weight but then overindulge and gain it back (and often it brings friends it met in our absence with it).

Someone once told me that if you have an ache/illness in your body it is due to something in your mind.  I wonder if this is the same thing. At some level anyway.

Food for thought?!!  (pun intended!)

Good morning!  It seems the numbers are going up rather than down.  Possibly the stress from wedding arrangements; possibly living with my mother’s perpetual depression.  I am not sure what one does with someone who refuses to get treatment.  Not sure how to avoid being sucked into it but she is my mother and I don’t want to abandon her.  Rock and a hardplace, as they say.  Certainly unpleasant to live with.  I wonder sometimes what she will be like when DH moves up here and we get our own place.  Also, her memory is going.  She knows it.  She gets frustrated when she interchanges nouns and I cannot follow her conversation.  Right becomes left (not great when I am driving!), bank account becomes VISA bill.  And now she is putting on weight.  She asked me how to lose it and when I told her she had to give up her abundance of chocolate and cookies, she answered “I was hoping there was another way”.  Goodness, if there was another way, wouldn’t we all be slim?!!  She can’t exercise due to her lung problems.

Now that I am in my 40s I am seeing the handing off starting of one generation to the next.  Mom never accepted that so now that she is in her 80s, she is having a great problem accepting that she/her generation are not at the centre of things.  Perhaps she is lucky to have avoided acknowledging it so long.

But as for me…the sun is shining!  Snow is actually starting to melt.  I have been thinking back to my teens and my weight loss then.  Back in those days of innocence when food wasn’t hammered into us (3 meals a day plus 2 snacks; can’t lose more than 1 - 2 pounds a week as it isn’t healthy; try to 5 or 6 small meals throughout the day).   I don’t think it was easier to lose weight then just because we were younger.  I think it was because we weren’t bombarded with information about how we have to feed our bodies. Meanwhile, we are told that detoxing is also good.  Don’t eat for a day or so- just take the magic liquid. Very confusing.  All I know is that the more I diette, the less I lose.  In fact, I have been gaining steadily since I started actively dieting.

So what is the answer?  Maybe just going back to starving myself.  OK, not starving, but not eating what I am “supposed” to eat.  I don’t plan to become one of those 80s supermodels who ate 1/2 a head of lettuce after two days of starving only to be told she was a pig! (incidentally, my classroom guinea pig at the time ate 1/2 head of lettuce a day!  Maybe that was the pig they were referring to!)  So for breakfast I had some cheese and an apple.  I am having some tea right now. Decaf!).

One somewhat yummy healthy treat I was recently introduced to is tahinni and  dates.  Technically you slice the date and put a drop of tahinni into it.  Sometimes I am too lazy so just dip the date into the jar - hey I am the only one eating it.  Anyway, it is a nice sweet treat when you crave one.  Not sure on the calories- probably relatively high - but no higher than chocolate and I am guessing much healthier.

That’s more or less where my head is at as I end my March break.

Thank you so much for your congrats on my new job.  It was nice to hear from my old buds again!

It seems my lost pounds keep coming back.  Obviously our love affair is long and far more involved than I ever imagined as they never seem to want to wander far!  If only men were as loyal as my pounds!  Although so far my hubby also appears to be an exception.

This week has been March break. I seem to be overly busy with wedding plans.  Today I met with the florist.  She is a family friend so it is not too bad an ordeal.  I have also been hunting down some decorations I can use at a cheaper price than the decorator.  The florist is now going to add ribbon to the  white covered chairs and use these clip on bows I found at the dollar store (roses actually made of chiffon).  I also managed to get some nice decorations for the sides of the chairs along the aisle for the service.

Earlier in the week I spoke with a potential musician.  He is the Rabbi’s son and studying jazz at a community college.  He has started a music /entertainment business with some friends.  I asked for a CD so I can hear them.  He suggested a piano, bass and sax.  Sounds good to me!

I must admit that growing my hair to one length for the wedding (to make the french braid easier) is a pain.  I have heavy hair (why would any part of me be thin??) so it falls into my face all the time.  Now I just wear a ponytail every day.  I feel 15 again!

I bought a hair magazine so I can dream of  a different cut!  DH loves my hair long (maybe because he is bald??) but I have told him I am getting it cut after the wedding!

OK, enough bitching.   We are women on a mission with a passion to succeed!

Is it spring yet???  Changed the clocks but still have snow out there.  Really, it is hard to get motivated when there is so little sunshine.  How do they do it waaaaaaaaaaay up north where they have darkness for about a month.  Imagine the SAD up there!

Hubby is in town this weekend and it was TOM.  Still, once the TOM ended my weight went back to more or less normal.  And the weather was warm enough to walk around if bundled up.

I had considered paying a fortune to go to Dr. Bernstein’s clinic.  They say you safely lose 4- 5 pounds a week.  I know someone who did it.  I know you are very hungry and get vitamin shots in the butt.  OK, maybe the butt part is urban legend.  But then I considered that I would look great for the wedding and gain it all back. I mean no one can sustain that type of rapid loss, right?  So I will just continue the struggle alone.  Well, with my 3FC buds - so not totally alone.  ust my luck TWO places I visited yesterday were giving our FREE little lindt bunnies!  I have never seen that before even once never mind twice.  Sometimes, you just gotta bite the head off a lindt bunny, right??!!

March break is upon us, and I DID get a new job next year.  I will be at an alternative year long school.  Instead of 8 weeks off in the summer I get 4, but I also get 2 weeks in Oct, Jan and April.  I am guessing Xmas break is cut short and no March break.   I will be the dept head and as there is no on site administration, I basically run the school.  Sounds like a lot of fun.  Slightly longer commute (about 40 ninutes rather than 20) but we will see how it goes.  Worst case scenerio I can leave the following year.  Besides two more years until my sabbatical.

After dropping hubby of at the airport I think I might get my hair trimmed.  Somehow even a slight haircut makes spring seem closer.  (yes my sanity can be questioned at this point…or even earlier!)

Have a good one!

At least my template reminds me of spring!  We had about 4 inches of snow last night and it is still snowing.  BUT the windchill of the earlier winter months is not apparent.  Actually it would be a perfect day to stay home and play with the dog in the park.  But alas, I have a conference to attend this morning and then off to work in the afternoon.  I am taking the transit as driving is bad - walking is not as bad.

I think it is time I stop obsessing about scale numbers and just focus on relearning how to eat properly.  When was the last time I really did that.  So, I am eating healthier foods - still falling down and grabbing a cookie or two as I go, but focussing on the positives of good health rather than the negatives of pudge.

It seems so many of the people I used to blog with fell by the wayside.  I miss them.  But I guess this pushes me to meet new bloggers!  Once I stop marking papers that is.  I welcome new people!

Cheers!

I am back.  Yes, so is the bloat…well did it ever really leave?? I wonder.  Going through the change is just as confusing as puberty was back in my early teens.  Seems I am storing water everywhere for what?  Is the earth going to be engulfed by flames??  Sometimes I wonder.  Really, I try very hard to consider why my body does what it does.  I think back to our cave dwelling days and wonder, did women ever need to bloat?  Was there some survival aspect of it that escapes me now?

I just finished marking some work for my Grade 12 Academic (yes, heading to university)class. Their assignment - either make a collage representing Hamlet Act 1, or write a poem using one of these lines ( I gave them 5) to start, from Hamlet Act 1.  Can you believe a kid tried to pass off a rap song as her own poem?  First of all, she obviously did not know what “Frailty thy name is woman” meant because she submitted a love (and I use that word loosely) poem.  Realizing that she did not know what the opening line meant I suspected that some of the more impressive language was not her own.  I stuck it in google and found out there is an artist named Fatty Koo whose lyrics she “borrowed” for my assignment.  Who knew.  Last semester one of them took a Kenny Chesney song and pretended it was his “story”.  I shake my head.  And it is not as if I am a hard marker, so they can pretty well take risks and get marks for them. OY!

Had a job interview (for next school year) last Thursday.  I think it went well but it will depend on the competition.  It is a year round school so instead of  8 weeks off in the summer, I get 2 weeks after each quarter.  I rather liked the idea of not having to pay premium prices for any trips I may take.  But it is a longer commute, so if I get it, great; if I don’t there is always another job around the corner I can try for. Actually i have another interview for a different job tomorrow.  Don’t think I stand a real chance as I suspect they want a Guidance specialist and I only have two of the three courses for that.  (actually I am taking the second one right now).  Still I like to meet different principals to see where/who I would want to work with.  All will be clear by Thursday evening as they have to let us all know by then if we were successful or not.  The joy of different “rounds” of jobs is that they have tight deadlines.

Next week is March break.  YAY!!

My new motto:  Take it all with a grain of salt, unless it makes you retain  water!