butterfly emerging soon

Brrrrrrrrrr!!!!  It is one chilly morning out here in the middle of no-where! Heavy robe and slipper weather!

I had such a wonderful birthday yesterday! DH got me the coolest cookbook by one of my FAVORITE cooks on Food Network. Nigella Lawson.  He bought me the newest one.

Man alive she can cook!! It has a few healthy recipes in it but not many! LOL

He is such the romantic as well! DH remembered the perfume that I wore when we first dated. It is called Chantilly. He actually bought me a bottle of that based on that memory!  I almost cried it was so sweet.

This is Chantilly.

My adorable 10 year old DS saved up his money and bought me the most adorable nail polish . It is clear with pink glitter and hearts. Pretty sure he chose it for the skull and crossbones! 

My 3 year old DS gave me the biggest hug and sang “happy, happy, happy, mama”  hearing real words out of him expressed with such love (I am crying again)  I will ALWAYS remember this birthday!!!!

A HUGE surprise that I got this morning is on my facebook I got a message from a long lost pen pal from Canada!  Now we are back in touch.

Today is a new day and back to the grindstone of life but with a HUGE change. A change IN me.  With my mom possibly being real sick I have had to take a real long hard look at my life, attitude, health habits, etc…..   Now for now I just cannot have a relationship with my mom for the sake of my children. I just cant risk exposing them to a woman who might abuse them. Her ability at psychological warfare can be used by our government for war. It took me years to heal from what I went through I just cant risk my kids.  If she gets very ill I will look at it again and maybe reevaluate.

But with my dad dying so young, and now my mom possibly being ill it kind of scared me awake. I treat myself like shi-!!!  I always have. It is because i believe deep down inside I feel like I dont deserve anything good. warped??? Oh yeah.  But at least I am figuring it out. Now to try and move past all of this.  My DH said to me the other day. “What in the hell happened to you that would make you think so low of yourself”  He is right. Whenever anything good happens to me i then wait for the other shoe to drop. ALWAYS.  I have this warped sense of if it is good i will get punished for it eventually and if it is bad I deserve it.  wow when i put it down it sounds nuts!!!  I am really pretty sane. I think this way only about me.  Maybe my DH is right I deserve to have love, happiness, joy, peace without guilt. I need to find it. then maybe everything else will fall into place.

Toodles!

Posted on November 3rd, 2009 by Joy
Filed under: Uncategorized