butterfly emerging soon

Good morning chickies!

Sorry have been MIA yet again 

We were able to get DS on a  bus by some miracle by GOD.    Over 100 students left the school system and went into a neighboring one (we can do that in the sticks) so they can get busing. DS had a medical IEP and that slipped him through the cracks. He started yesterday. 

I am home schooling my youngest DS (4). Yesterday was our first day of speech, ABA, and occupational all together. During the summer I split them up. Now it is 2 hours and I am going to build it up to 4 by the end of the year. I am also starting the DREADED potty training!  Da da duuuuuummmmmm 

Diet  hahahahaha

working out???  LOLOLOL

I have been sending my mom cards with little photo’s of the kids, pictures they color, a small note or scripture from me. I dont expect anything to come out of it. Except the feeling for me that I did all I could. Plus I want her to leave this world knowing I forgive her and love her.  The books for my 11 year old DS were a BIG help on talking out the stages of grief. Does it take the pain away? No but it does give him more power by understanding what he is going through.

More later

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

Sorry to have been gone so long.

No I have not been doing well on my eating or my working out.   Booo for me!   

No excuses here.

DM never wrote back. To me to the kids. I am kind of mad  mad as HELL!  I mean okay don’t write me but for crying out loud write back your GRANDCHILDREN!!!!!!!!  They need closure! They need to know she only hated me not them! They need to feel her love, see her even if frail, to say they love her and good-bye.  Why in the world wont she do this for them!!!!????    I am trying to read all of these books at the same time. Books for me about becoming an adult orphan, dealing with the death of my mom. Books on how to help your children through a loss like this. There are NO books though on how to deal with the death of a grandparent who hates your mom and dad so much she has not seen you in 4 years (never seen our youngest at all)  I was so hoping she would at least want to see them before she dies.    Sigh I am not even sure how much time she has left. I think from what I was told she has about 1-3 months left.   I have to deal with my anger and let it go. It serves no real purpose, it does not help one little bit. I can only explain to my DK, tell them I am sorry that they can’t deal with all of this in a normal manner (as if death is normal) and heal the right way. I refuse to allow her to hurt and damage my kids. I need to make sure they know it is HER and NOT them who is wrong, who is sinning in anger, who is so bitter. They did nothing wrong. I am really beginning to think that my mom has a serious mental illness. I always just passed it off as her being stubborn, controlling, unbending, judgemental, bitter, angry, mean as spit, unforgiving.  Now I am beginning to think she is more than sick with cancer but also sick in her mind and soul as well.  Maybe I am just trying to rationalize her hating so much???

enough of that

DH has to pull double duty this weekend. Wooohoo for the extra money! Not much overtime comes our way so we will take it with gladness!! 

Our county fair starts this next week. Oh boy we have all been looking forward to this for a while. The boys have so much fun at this.

They dropped busing in our schools this year. Only k-4 and special needs get the bus now. We live in the country. I mean we are 6 country miles from the school and only have one car!  Our neighbor on one side is putting her child in a private catholic school (we cant afford), neighbor on other side is putting their high school child in another district, and yet another two neighbors and pulling their kids out and homeschooling.   Asked the school if there is any carpools, she laughed. Okay I am from the city I did not have my thinking hat on.  LOL   When we all live in a 25 mile country spread the idea of carpooling is kind of out of the question! 

We will figure it out by the end of the weekend.  School starts in September.  YIKES   !  Pressure!!!  Now DS is hinting at being in a computer /sat. school. I have no clue what that is. Have to look it up.

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

Food was NOT great yesterday. I binged BIG TIME!!!  I will not go into the gory details but I think what set me off was eating the stinking WW 1 point chocolate/pretzel bars. I remember having this problem before. As long as I stuck with mostly non processed, high fiber foods I was okay. The MOMENT I started with the stuff that you do not recognize half of the ingredients I would eat a portion and be hungrier!!! Now I am sure I am right about this. So I gave the rest to my oldest two DS and will NOT buy anymore!!!  About the only processed things that are safe with me are

~Whole wheat  8 G fiber 100 cal English muffins

~no sugar added Edies frozen juice bars

~Pringles fat free chips (Olestra)

~condiments/pickles/jar peppers/spice mixes

~Crystal light drink mixes

That is it. If I have baked Lays, Weight Watcher ANYTHING, diet candy bars, Most breads, any pasta, white rice, any crackers, diet Jello, anything with splendra  I seemed to only become hungrier!    If I eat mostly whole foods, cleaner foods I seem to be satisfied. It almost makes me wonder if they put crap in the foods to make you want more???? You know like they do in cigarettes??  I think I am going to try and stick with more whole, clean, REAL foods from now on. I may have my whole wheat English muffins and diet pringles but for the most part I have to make it or bake it to trust it.

However THAT being said I CHOSE to eat and CHOSE to binge. Good thing???? I did NOT purge! I am grateful for that. I have been on the wagon from that for a decade now and do NOT want to go off ever again in that!

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

Just a quick update.  I had my meeting last night and I lost 1.8 for the week according to their scales. I know it is more because the meeting is at the end of the day. AFTER breakfast & lunch. I do not eat dinner until I get home.

Today is payday so that means grocery day. Sooo I get to  sit down with my cup of java and create a menu and a shopping list for the next two weeks. I actually enjoy this. When the kids are all asleep of course 

Fed Ex came am picked up our old computer last night. Hopefully it wont take forever to fix. For now I am on my old  computer (which really now belongs to my 11 year old DS)

I am sure my mom got the letters and the photo’s Monday or Tuesday. No word from her, yet.  It makes me sad, it really hurts my feelings. I am devastated for my kids and I have to deal with a bit of thinking in my head  “WTH mom????!!  “    But you know what. No matter what abuse I had as a child, a young adult, and even to some degree an adult. I keep thinking what in the world happened to my mom that she wont EVER talk about her childhood and that shaped her to be as she is????  Then I feel sorry for her. I mean she is dying!  The ONLY gift that I have left as a daughter to give to her before she dies is forgive her for everything, let it all go. Let go of ALL of the bad feelings. They serve no real purpose anyhow. They don’t add one positive thing to my life. So all I have left to show my mom how much I love her is forgive, let go. love her unconditionally. No matter what. Period.  Plus this will benefit my kids. I want them to learn that not everyone will love them and treat them right. They have no control over this. However how we react to it is what we can control. It is okay to feel mad, angry, sad, low, confused etc….. However it is not okay to dwell that way. It is also not okay to give bad for bad when it comes to a responce to people who treat us badly.  Sad they have to learn this from their own grandmother 

Toodles!

Hello chickies!

I am sorry I am having some on and off computer problems. That goes with the territory when you live out in no mans land and have no high speed only dial up!  LOL

Thank you so much for the kind comments , and thank you for checking up on me.

I am looking into some grief therapy for now. Cannot really do more with the way time is so crazy busy right now.

I am doing well on my diet. I keep going up and down . I was 234 then i went down to 232. I hit 231 yesterday. Today I hit 232 again. I think it is just water retention. I am still plugging away , sticking with my points, and working out a few times a week. I have a meeting Tuesday night. I am looking forward to it.

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

weight:same

Food: all within points

Workout: DVD  & 40 minute walk

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I finally finished my mom’s letter. I had each of the boys write one to her as well. They need some kind of closure .  My 11 year old DS poured out his little heart. I pray that she at least reads his.  I do not know if she will read mine but I wrote what I felt, told her how much I loved her, and made it clear the door is OPEN and I am here.  It is all I can do. I can tell the time is close. She already has gone into hospice for an overnight. She is back at home but weak.  This is so HARD!     I have a wonderful DH as my support system, my class in church, and my BFF. I have a feeling I might be a drain on all of them soon.  I do not like being a drain because of what happened at my last church. When I went through the “R” issues as well as the issue with my DS being diagnosed with Autism I reached out very needy and all hell broke loose (as some of you remember my OLD old posts- now erased)        Now I am afraid to reach out to anyone other than my DH. I just have the hardest time trusting Christian females.  I know my issue.  I will ge through this and WITHOUT gaining weight!

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

WEDNESDAY FOOD:

Breakfast: none was on phone with BFF for 1 1/2 hours 

Lunch: 2 garden burgers on 1 WW English muffin with hot sauce ~raw carrots & 1 TB lt. Ranch dip~2 serv. fat free pringles

Dinner: 1 baked chicken breast (no skin-no bones)~1 clean baked potato~ yellow squash cooked in olive oil Pam~1/2 cucumber

snack: 1 WW ice cream sandwhich (small -but good, and a nice end of the day treat that keeps me on my plan.    

Workout: 30 min. low impact DVD

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I did well on my plan yesterday. I ate well, took my vitamins, drank my water, worked out. The result???? I am down to 232.6!!!  Wooohooo!

I think though I am having issues with diverting my feelings about my mom to other stuff. I was writing my mom a letter to mail to her. It was hard!  How do you write a letter to your mom when it might be the last form of communication that you ever have with her???? I have started it 3 times now and Iam still going to give it another try after I get offline here.  Even though she disowned me and wont speak to me I really need her to know before she leaves this earth that I forgive her, i am sorry for whatever I did that made her so angry at me, I love her no matter what. It just does not seem enough to say those three lines. After all these will be my last words to her ever.  That in itself is hard to wrap my head around.   Soooooo I am displacing my feelings. My 20 almost 21 year old DS went into the freezer and instead of eating the normal ice cream he ate 1/2 a BOX of my WW diet ones!!!!  He is not trying to lose weight. Well lets just say my verbal reaction was less than steller. I feel bad that I overreacted. It does not help that he is at home ALL day, EVERY day. NO JOB , lazy about helping around the house with “womens work “  (Yes I am quoting him!!!), does not pay rent…….. this has been going on since he came back home from school.  sigh   So this did not help matters. I think it was a ripe situation and he became a easy verbal target. Because for me it is much easier to be mad than to face my real fears and sadness.  crap I relaize I have to say sorry this morning.  I guess he is lucky I am not on my TOM along with everything else??  LOL   Kidding!

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

Still holding at 234.8

I went to my WW meeting last night. It felt good to get away and have time alone for the sake of my health.  I lost 4.8 pounds last week. That is a good loss but I have to remember that it is the first week. I know that the way I drank water it was a FAT loss and not a water loss because I made it a point to drink like a fish!  Did you know that the “first week of weight loss being ALL a water loss” is not really true? It is only true if you do not drink much water.

I am making a new commitment this week to start working out. Daily. Even if I have to run up and down the stairs I will get it in! 

I got a note from my sister. She was at my mom’s for two weeks. Both she and my brother are working real hard to fix my mom’s place up to make it nice for her. Painting, re-doing the courtyard, cleaning etc….. My mom’s home was built by Frank Loyd Wrights son. It is done in the way his father would have. It is a contemporary built decades ago (waaaaay befor its time). It is built into the side of a hill/almost cliff. The one side where the kitchen, sunroom, formal living room are has floor to ceiling glass windows.  It is truly a beautiful house.  hhhmmmmm off subject. Avoidance

Mom is bad. She sleeps a lot, wont eat much and had to go into hospice overnight. She is now back at home. My heart hurts so much that I cannot be there for her. She does not want me there. I sense that she does not have much time left. I refuse to be selfish and force myself upon her. I dont want to make her worse or send her health over the edge (she is that fragile).  Now that the end is so close this is so hard! I feel so helpless. Maybe that is why Iam being so strict on my diet . Too strict at my weight??  Yes!  I am a recovered Bulimic. I still binge (or used to) but no longer purge. It is also why my OCD is getting a tad out of control. Why I am stricter with my boys on safety stuff. In my mind these are things I CAN control. So I do. I have got to work through all of this. It is just not a healthy response to all of this.  My heart is breaking and I am trying to numb it with all of this crap! It is all an illusion of control and I realize that (why I recovered). Maybe I NEED to feel ALL that goes with my mom hating me so much she will leave this world without ever seeing me again. I am afraid of all of that pain. This is one of the main reasons I am so FAT! It is easier to be numb or to be angry then to face and feel fear. THAT is the bottom line to my being overweight.

How is that for an epiphny???  Why does something so bad have to happen for me to understand myself better? You would think at my age I would know myself much better than I do!

Good note for today?? As long as my mom still breathes there is a chance. I am surrounded by my DH and all of my boys whom I love so dearly. I am at a wonderful church full of love and support. I have my BFF. I have all of you here and on Facebook. Most of all I have my Father God and His word to anoint me and heal me daily. My DH has a job, we have a roof over our head, food on our table, and clothes on our backs. We have our health. OR at least I am getting better health day by day with losing weight.

Toodles!

Good morning chickies!

It has been one busy weekend!  I have stayed ON plan! yaaaay!  or should I exclaim “It’s a miracle??”  LOL

We went to church on Sunday and then drove out one hour to go to a Safari they have in Ohio.  It is a drive through Safari and the boys LOVED it. They loved it when the baby Llama ate the feed from the cup. They LOVED it when the reindeers horns pushed the van side mirror. They LOVED it when the buffalo smeared snot all over the car window! THEY REALLY LOVED it when DH thought it was funny to keep putting my window down when the Longhorn steer came to our car. I screamed. Those things were HUGE!!!!!!!!  Then we walked through their animal in cages area.  Our DS Jacob rode the pony and the camel.  We all had such a great time.  Monday was therapy and then we took a nice long walk at a nature center by where we used to live. After the library we came home and DH mowed while I got started on a new book on Autism.

Yesterday afternoon we went to our local Drug Mart to rent a movie and I was in a section alone and ran into a couple from our OLD church (from almost two years ago) . The man was kind and smiled and said hello. I said hello back with a smile. the WIFE???  Not her! Nope I got a cold stare and he whole being exuded hate, unforgiveness, and made it REAL clear I was STILL being shunned after all of this time. It hurt because I considered these women my friends for so long. We ALL made our mistakes however I was the ONLY one being nailed tot he wall for my mistakes. I mean come on are we freaking AMISH???? To shun me like that????  It has taken me almost two years to get to the point at our new church where I was beginning to open up and trust again and now this happened and it makes me want to crawl back into my shell .   I mean come on!!!! Two years ago I went through some SERIOUS shi- that no woman should EVER have to go through. I was in one bad ugly spot in my life and reached out to my sister in Christ for a lifeline. She made it all too clear I was a nuisence and made me feel selfish so I reacted on here (this site) and I was not nice about it but i put it all out there (what happened, how it felt etc…..) they read it and WHAMMO I got nailed  =SHUNNED   I told one in a e-mail I was sorry for my reaction but to no avail. It went on and on to the point where they started shunning my DS who was then 9 from parties he went to his whole life. = took his friends away as well. That is when we left. No word from any of them because I didn’t get on my hands and knees and kiss their asses and beg for forgiveness.  As you can see this chance meeting brought up so much pain. I have to let it go again.  It is not worth it. They are not worth it. I am no saint but at least I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF in the mirror and sleep at night!

Okay Joy breathe!

Iam also reading a book by RUBY Gettinger from the STYLE network. It is a really good book written kind of in diary form.

FOOD MONDAY

breakfast: 1 whole wheat 100 cal english muffin with 1 TB light cream cheese

Lunch: 1 6″ sub from Sunway (turkey, mustard, and veggies on wheat) with 1 small bag baked chips

Dinner: 1 turkey burger on ww English muffin, 1 ear corn, 1 tomato, 1/2 cucumber, 2 serv. fat free pringles

snacks: 1 mini popcorn and one mini ww ice cream bar

I have my meeting tonight and I am curious to see how much weight I have lost .

Toodles!

Good morning Chickies!

Weight: 234

Breakfast FRIDAY:  2 egg whites with green peppers/red onions/parsley/tomato (from garden   & 1 whole wheat English muffin with 1 TB light cream cheese

Lunch FRIDAY: 4 ounces cold leftover chicken breast with 1 cucumber (garden), 1 TB light ranch, and one small baked potato with three squirts of I can’t believe it’s not butter spray (ICBINBS)

Dinner Friday: 4 cups salad greens, tomato, cucumber, red onion, 3 ounces ground turkey , 1 TB light ranch, 1 serv. tortilla chips, hot sauce  (taco salad)

snacks Friday: 1 cup fresh melon salad with mint, 1 sourdough pretzel

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Breakfast SATURDAY:

Lunch :

Dinner:

Snacks:

I am in the zone where I HAVE to eat bulk. Soooo I am eating a TON of fresh produce. Let me tell you that I feel so much better! I have more energy, I want to do more, I am in a better mood(which my family benefits as well  hahaha). I am taking my vitamins, and will start my Metforum when I am at home all day. The first few days is a slight risk of tummy problems with it so I need to be close to a bathroom. I am still drinking Coke Zero, flavored (calorie free) water, and TONS of iced green or peach (sugar free) tea. I am not giving that up until I am WELL into my weight loss.   It just feels plain good to be ON TRACK after being off for so long-too long!

Toodles!