I took a walk this morning on my treadmill listening to Imagine Dragons. This one song “My Fault”. It is talking about his talking a walk to have some introspect on his life “where do I go from here?” How his being where he is is HIS doing HIS fault. While I don’t like being down on myself where I am right now is all my doing. I have lost this weight a few times now. I get close to goal weight (155) and then I get more skittish than a cat on a hot tin roof. I know why I am just not sure what to do with it. I use weight as a way to protect myself from something that happened in my past. I feel if I make myself ugly enough (AKA fat) I will be safe from that ever happening again. –sigh– I am far too old to be playing these head games with myself. My being thinner had nothing to do with what happened to me. So why am I hanging onto this concept that if I stay fat I am safe?? I hate being fat but I hate feeling fear more. I have got to learn to really let it go, let it really be in God’s hands, and that includes the fear. I have got to find a way to work through it.
You see I am now back at 213 Freaking pounds again!!! I hate feeling and being fat, I hate the way it effect my energy, my stamina, my diabetes, my looks……….. I dont want to live in this fear anymore!! SONOFAB____ I am sooooo over this!!!! I have been punishing myself thinking I was protecting myself for more of my life than I should have! Time wasted, life wasted, I cant get it back!! I am done!!!!!!
I am taking my flipping life back!
Posted on April 24th, 2013 by butterflyemergingsoon
Filed under: Uncategorized