Where do I go from here?

I took a walk this morning on my treadmill listening to  Imagine Dragons. This one song “My Fault”. It is talking about his talking a walk to have some introspect on his life “where do I go from here?”  How his being where he is is HIS doing HIS fault. While I don’t like being down on myself where I am right now is all my doing. I have lost this weight a few times now. I get close to goal weight (155) and then I get more skittish than a cat on a hot tin roof. I know why I am just not sure what to do with it. I use weight as a way to protect myself from something that happened in my past. I feel if I make myself ugly enough (AKA fat) I will be safe from that ever happening again.   –sigh–  I am far too old to be playing these head games with myself. My being thinner had nothing to do with what happened to me. So why am I hanging onto this concept that if I stay fat I am safe?? I hate being fat but I hate feeling fear more.  I have got to learn to really let it go, let it really be in God’s hands, and that includes the fear.  I have got to find a way to work through it.

You see I am now back at 213 Freaking pounds again!!!  I hate feeling and being fat, I hate the way it effect my energy, my stamina, my diabetes, my looks……….. I dont want to live in this fear anymore!!  SONOFAB____ I am sooooo over this!!!!  I have been punishing myself thinking I was protecting myself  for more of my life than I should have! Time wasted, life wasted, I cant get it back!!   I am done!!!!!! 

I am taking my flipping life back!

One Response to “Where do I go from here?”

  1. Thanks for your comments on my blog. I decided to pop over and check yours out. 😉

    I’m so very sorry to hear what happened to you. As you know, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are on the right track of going within yourself to uncover the emotions that will let you move forward.

    Three years ago I lost 63 pounds and gained all of it back and then some. I was only 15 pounds from goal weight and I could kick my own ass for getting off track. Was I scared of getting to goal weight? Was I uncomfortable being thin – as weird as that sounds? I had to go within to to find out what was going on with me emotionally. I think I have a fear of abandonment and feeling like I’m not good enough. But I am good enough. WE are good enough. We must move forward. We owe it to ourselves. We can do this.

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