It’s all up to me

I have officially decided to start my P90X lean schedule this Thursday.  I studied the workouts, time requirements, etc. and starting on a Thursday works best for me.  I printed off my sheets to record my reps and have my workout calendar ready to go for the next 90 days.  The cool thing is, as long as we don’t have any more snow days (fingers crossed) I will finish the 90th day on the last day of school!  It’s almost like it’s fate.  Once I finish the lean version (more cardio than the classic route) I’ll jump into classic for the summer.

I’m also reading the book I received last week about eating clean.  It’s interesting and a good reminder that I need to be good to my body.

Got to go, my little guy wants to play “Guitar Hero”.  There’s something awesome about seeing a 6 year-old singing “Eye of the Tiger”.

My mantra is still working, but that doesn’t mean that I have been “perfect”.  I still haven’t been able to manage a workout since Monday night but this is an extraordinarily busy week so I’m ok w/it.  Yesterday I snuck a peek at the scale and saw 237 which was great b/c it’s below 240.  Last night we went out to eat and although it wasn’t low-cal or particularly healthy I made conscious choices and stopped when I was full.  Today I resumed my healthy path w/o feeling awful b/c of the night before.  I know it’s going to be slow progress but it’s nice to actually be making progress.

I’m going to be studying my calendar to figure out when I should start P90X.  I know there won’t be a perfect time but I want to determine when there will be fewer distractions.  It will be soon, though, which is exciting.

Hope you all had a nice day and took a minute for yourselves

I’m happy to report that I was able to get in a workout last night.  Not so lucky today but I already knew that any workout I’d get this week would be a bonus.  Today I was really hungry but I was able to stick w/the healthy snacks I brought to school and avoid the box of donuts w/my “Long term goals” mantra.  I’m sure it will lose it’s effectiveness eventually but for now it’s a crutch I desperately need.

I’m also excited b/c a book I ordered came today.  I am finally willing to accept that I need to change my eating habits for the long-haul b/c starting and stopping a diet plan isn’t working.  I read “Oxygen” magazine religiously and Tosca Reno’s book “The Eat Clean Diet” is always mentioned.  I want to not only reduce my calories but increase my nutrition and this can help me get there.

I also talked to my hubby last night about his eating habits.  I noticed on Sunday that he breathes loudly and I know it’s b/c he’s obese.  Last night when I saw him eating fish sticks and ramen noodles  I hit my limit.  I got pissy and eventually he asked me if I was mad at him.  I said that I was but not b/c he did anything but b/c I’m worried about our future.  We didn’t go into any detail b/c the kids were around and the last thing I wanted Justin to hear was that I was afraid that his dad was going to drop dead of a heart attack but that’s what I wanted to say.  I told him that I get upset/worried about this a lot but that I don’t want to nag so I just don’t say anything.  We still need to finish the conversation but at least it has been started.

I was working w/a kid today on improving her grades.  She’s a severely at-risk kid and is earning in the 10-30% range in most of her classes.  First semester was rough for her and she was really looking forward to 2nd semester where she could have a fresh start.  Things started out well for a day or 2 and then she started to get behind.  Now she feels like she is so far in the hole that she’ll never bring her grades up so we’re working on little things she can do each week to show progress, ultimately ending up w/passing grades.

Why do I bore you w/the details of my day?  Because it finally dawned on me that I’m this girl.  It seems like I have so far to go that I’ll never get there so why even try.  Just like she was looking forward to 2nd semester, I’m always looking forward to New Year’s, summer vacation…whatever isn’t right now.  Keeping her in mind, I’m going to follow my own advice.  Take small steps and move forward.

So I’m going to use a mantra.  Whenever I feel discouraged I’m going to repeat “Long term goals” to myself.  Take today for instance.  I had a meeting scheduled for after school and it was cancelled (hooray!!) so I planned to come home and workout.  Right after school there were 3 kids and 2 teachers who needed to see me, one of whom was involved in the drama from last week and it’s serious enough that I can’t put him off until tomorrow.  Because of this when I got home it was too late to workout.  So for tonight I’m going to focus on healthy eating.  If everything falls into place and we have a “normal” night I’ll have my hubby watch Kyle after Justin goes to bed and log 30 minutes on the elliptical.  Not as much as I’d like to do but better than nothing.

A bit of sleep, some planning w/the hubby and a good workout have me feeling much better this morning.  Thank you so much to Sarah and Patti who gave such wise advice.  On the diet/exercise front I’m going to focus on making healthy choices.  Kyle went down for an early nap this morning and as much as I would have loved to bury myself under the covers and take a nap I logged 45 minutes on the elliptical.  Not only do I feel better but I got to finish “50 First Dates” which is a fantastic movie if you haven’t seen it.  I’m going to workout whenever I can but I’m giving myself permission to not force myself to get up at 4 am to fit it in.  I also picked up a bunch of healthy foods at the store and will focus on putting good things into my body.

For Justin we have decided to make a few changes which should be good all around.  Every Friday he gets picked up at school by Grandma and Grandpa and he spends the night there.  He loves it and so do they, but he runs the show when he’s with them and as much as we talk to my in-laws about using the word “no” it doesn’t seem to sink in.  So now, instead of going there on Fridays, every other week we’re going to have him invite a buddy over to play and possibly spend the night.  This will help to pry him away from grandma/grandpa as well as increase his ties to other 1st graders and hopefully diminish the appeal of the 3rd grader we’re concerned about.  Plus, it should give him good feelings and memories about our new house and not focus on missing our old place so much.  Wish us luck!

I am struggling big-time and I’m not sure if I’m willing to do what it takes to come out of it.  I know what I need to do and I know that I want the outcome to be but I don’t know if I’m mentally able to to swing it right now.

I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what has gotten me off-track and it’s not one thing but a mix of everything.  Physically I’m exhausted from the week.  We were up early a couple of days this week and then the traveling to Kyle’s appts and sitting in waiting rooms made me sleepy.  If I didn’t report back, Kyle is doing well other than losing weight.

Then, Justin has been struggling lately.  I met w/his teacher this week and she told us that although he got the highest reading score in his entire elementary school (he’s in 1st grade and tested out of the 5th grade reading level) he’s engaging in some attention-seeking behavior that she and the counselor are going to work on.  I love, love, love his teacher b/c she’s not worried about him but just wants him to reach his full potential.  Today his counselor called me to fill me in on a few things and I found out that one of his buddies from our neighborhood is a Jekyll/Hyde kind of kid.  He’s in 3rd grade and I have always thought it was weird that he’d play w/a 1st grader but w/o saying it she warned us away from letting Justin play w/this boy.  Of course he’s a kid that Justin wants to play with so we’re trying to figure out how to make him not want to play w/this kid.

Then at school it has been absolutely bizarre.  Once again, confidentiality prohibits me from going into detail but on Tuesday a parent called b/c he was concerned about his son.  I called the kid in and the story he told was so bizarre that we figured he was quite honestly mentally ill and delusional.  It turns out that quite a bit of the story is true and we’re not sure where to go from here.  Top that off w/a disagreement w/a colleague as we were leading a group therapy session and a suicidal teen 20 minutes before the end of the day and I’m a whupped pup.

So for now I’m not even trying.  I had full intentions of working out after school but you can’t send a suicidal kid out the door just b/c the final bell rang.  By the time I handed her off to her mom it was too late to workout so I picked Justin up from school and we went to McDonald’s for a fruit and yogurt parfait.  That would have been fine but we also shared some fries and then hubby and I went out for fish tonight.

What’s really frustrating is that next week doesn’t look any better.  It’s one of those weeks where I honestly have something scheduled every night, Monday-Thursday.  I know I won’t be able to hit my regular exercise routine but I’m not going to let it be an excuse to not exercise at all.  I’m going to spend the weekend figuring out my plan for next week.  My ultimate goal at this point is to not hit 240.  That’s way too close to 250 and that scares me.

At this point I just need to unplug for about 3 days, run away from home and recoup.  I know it will get better and life will slow down but I’m not there yet and it’s tough.  Hopefully I’ll get a good night’s sleep which will give me a better perspective to make plans.

This week is another non-routine week and I don’t like it.  But instead of saying “eff-it” I have decided to make the best choices possible.  I’m making sure to hit my workouts, even got up early yesterday and today to fit them in.  Food hasn’t been low-calorie but it has been pretty healthy.  I’m listening to my body and eating b/c I’m hungry.   I have no clue if this will result in any loss this week but it’s better than being frantic about trying to control an un-controllable week.

Tomorrow we have 4 doctor’s appts for Kyle.  Just regular check-ups but it’s always a little nervewracking b/c we have gone into appts thinking everything was ok and leaving w/a surgery scheduled.  I’m glad all 4 are on the same day b/c it’s almost a 2 hour drive to the hospital, but it is so boring sitting in waiting rooms for that long.  Wish us luck.

One of the tasks the man gave my sister yesterday was to put the phrase “I am amazing because…” on the top of the paper and then number from 1-10, leaving 2-3 lines after each number.  Then for each number, the sentence needs to start with either “I” or “I am” and must be something deeper than “I am a good cook.”  Once you write the 10 phrases, you go back and explain in a bit more detail why the statement is true.  Essentially he was having her define her gifts so she is more able to decide what gifts she will share with others and how she will do it.  She, like many of us, gives until she is empty but doesn’t think that what she’s giving is all that special.  Taking the time to put into words how truly special she is is supposed to help her think more of herself so she doesn’t give things away until she’s empty.  I am going to engage in this exercise as well b/c as he was asking her what some of her “I am” statements were I realized I would have trouble coming up with a list of 10.  I need to take the time to remind myself how special I am, I encourage you all to do the same.

Hit the weights today and decided not to do any cardio afterward.  I’m not feeling lazy, I just don’t feel like it.  And since finding motivation to workout isn’t generally a problem I’m not going to get worked up about it.

Justin had his first sleepover last night and all went well.  He still wets the bed from time to time and I was worried that the combination of soda and extreme exhaustion would set him up for an accident.  But when I picked him up this morning his friend’s mom said that Justin was so well-behaved that her daughter asked if they could keep him and I would take home her little brother :)  Apparently all of the other little boys were fighting and not listening to the parents but Justin did what he was told.  It’s a good reminder that he’s a fantastic little boy b/c sometimes I think our expectations are so high for him that we forget.  I told him how proud I was of him and that I’d never trade him for anyone else.  Oh, and he didn’t wet the bed.  He only slept for 4 hours so I guess there wasn’t time

Today was the day for my sister’s reading w/the psychic.  I can’t put into words all that happened nor how I’m feeling right now but the experience was incredible.  I am a believer in all things spiritual and I don’t think it conflicts w/Christian values but I understand if others don’t agree.  I do also acknowledge that there are a lot of fakers out there but I am convinced in my heart of hearts that this man truly has a gift.

It has gotten me to think about my own reading.  I know I will have one but I’m not sure if I want it to be private or w/my mom and sisters, just like this was.  I’m leaning toward going by myself or just w/one sister (the one who got the reading today) b/c she and I were the most deeply affected by this.  I think my mom and sister saw it as something fun to do and they do believe in his gifts but for them it’s entertainment.  Plus, I’m fairly guarded w/some aspects of my life which is part of the reason this blog is such a lifeline.   I can say things here that I never would say elsewhere and if some of that would come out w/my other sister and mom in the room it could complicate things, especially my sister.  I love her dearly but she drives me nuts a lot and her girls are absolute snots.  She of course thinks they’re perfect.  And I worry that if I’m trying to “control” what comes out of the reading so that I don’t upset my sister that I won’t get out of it what I want.  The weird thing is that I’m so weepy about this.  I have broken down and cried 3 times in the last 4 hours thinking about it.  It’s something I’m going to put a lot of thought into before I decide.

Haven’t worked out today but I did lift weights last night before my family arrived.  Everything I made was healthy so although my calories are higher today than they normally would have been I’m ok.  I need to find my focus to keep my diet on track.

Awhile back Sistah Pat wondered what it would be like if some of us got together in real life.  She researched some fabulous retreats and healthy activities.  Since then a bunch of us have been tossing around the idea and I said I’d help to get things organized if at all possible.

So here’s the deal.  There are a million great places we could visit but realizing the economy we’re trying to keep it as budget friendly as possible.  To help keep costs low we’re gathering information.  If you’re interested in a 3FC retreat, provide the following info in my comments:

1.  Where do you live?

2.  How much could you devote to travel/lodging, realizing there would be additional expenses for activities, food, etc.

3.  Would summer work for you?  Many of us are in education so we have our summers off which would give us a bit more flexibility in scheduling.

4.  Any other info that should be considered in possibly planning a retreat.  For instance, I won’t be able to commit to anything until late April b/c our district is in a financial mess and they have until April 30th to issue pink slips.

I’m excited already