It’s all up to me

I don’t know about all of you but I’m going to be happy to leave 2009 in the dust. We have had many wonderful highs but the craziness and sadness of the last month has me ready for a change. Our latest issue was w/the bank today. We were closing on our construction loan and through a series of errors/miscommunications the $59K we had planned to use for our downpayment was only $13K. I lost it. It’s not an overstatement to say that every endeavor w/this bank has been frustrating but we have put up w/it b/c we had already put out money for the construction loan and it wasn’t worth paying extra closing costs to switch to another bank, although we seriously considered it. But when this information came forward we let them know how upset and frustrated we were w/the whole process. It finally was resolved and only cost us an extra $2K but I’m still so angry thinking about it. I’m going to let myself stew about it today but when the calendar turns over I’m going to let it go.

We had planned to go out tonight but since we just dropped a load of money at the bank we’re going to stay home. We rented a few movies and we’re just going to hang out here. It’s freezing here, anyway, so I’m not all that sad to stay home. If you’re going out I hope you have fun and come home safely. If you’re a dork like me and choose to stay home, snuggle up on the couch and ENJOY!!

I’m not pregnant, TOM came yesterday. It ended up causing quite a commotion b/c Kyle was admitted to the hospital on Monday for dehydration and at that time we didn’t know anything so I had to avoid all of the x-rays and make sure it was safe for me to be lurking around a hospital in case I actually was pregnant. He was discharged today and although he’s not 100% it’s so nice to be home. He didn’t sleep well so I only got about 3 hours of sleep over the last 2 days. My hubby called our nurse when we got home and she agreed to come over so I just took a 2 hour nap and feel fabulous. When he woke me up it was time for supper and there were flowers on the table. Awwwww.

Food has been hit and miss but I was in the hospital and I did the best I could. I’m not sure if I’m even going to weigh myself tomorrow b/c we had spaghetti and garlic bread and between the carbs and garlic salt I’m going to retain water like a sponge.

Pregnant? Sisters, I need your help.

Normally my cycle is very regular. My hubby had a vasectomy about 3 years ago and things were fine and dandy until we had a big-time pregnancy scare. I was late, my boobs hurt, had the super sense of smell…everything. Kyle had been diagnosed by then and we knew his condition was genetic so I had my tubes tied as backup last summer. Since then I haven’t been charting my cycle as specifically but I know I’m about a week late and this never happens to me.

I know this likelihood of me being pregnant is minimal but I’m freaking out. More realistically I think it’s the stress of dealing w/my dad’s death as well as the change in diet/exercise that has accompanied the last month. Has anyone else experienced this?

I’m going to buy a test today but I was just reading online that for some reason women who have had their tubes tied have a hard time getting a positive pregnancy test from urine and need to have a blood test. Great. I’m not very good at waiting.

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates the holiday.  We had a wonderful time once I got past the stress of trying to get to my mom’s.  We decided to spend Christmas Eve there and spend the night so she wouldn’t have to wake up alone on Christmas morning so she took all of the presents down weeks ago and wrapped them for me.  A major ice/snow storm was predicted for Weds/Fri of this week and could have possibly prevented us from getting down there.  Try explaining to a 6-year old that Santa couldn’t come b/c of the snow!  Fortunately the forecast switched enough that it rained on Thursday so we made it safely and had a wonderful time.  It was definitely sad w/o my dad but I was amazed at how much jolliness still remained.  The hardest time was going to church this morning.

I have definitely gotten away from any semblance of healthy eating and regular exercise.  I haven’t completely thrown in the towel and was maintaining around the 232 range so imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale tonight before my shower and saw…239!!!  I was expecting 235 but 239 was a huge smack in the face.  239 is almost 240 which is almost 250 which is almost……back where I started.

Now granted, I realize that I’m not really 239 b/c it was at night after eating a lot of salty food today.  But it was just the jolt that I needed to get my butt back into gear.  I’m not going to get all hard-core about things but I’m done w/the mindless candy/cookies/chips/whatever eating that has been going on for the last week or so.

Here’s hoping the scale was kinder to you this holiday season than it was to me.

Current weight:  231.5

I’m proud to say that I made a healthy choice today when I so wanted to do otherwise.  I have been bound and determined to finish my Christmas cards and am making good progress.  I also caught the cleaning but and have done 7 loads of laundry, cleaned all of the bathroom/entry floors and swept and polished my hardwood floors.  The last main thing to tackle is our island which has become the place to put anything that doesn’t have a home.  For just 10 minutes I would like our home to look like a bunch of slobs don’t live there.

Anyway, I finally got Kyle down for a nap and was faced w/a dilemma.  I could:

1.  Workout

2.  Finish Christmas shopping

3.  Finish Christmas cards

4.  Take a long soak in the tub.

5.  Run away from home (it’s been one of those days)

I’m proud to say that I worked out.  And then, knowing I have my final weigh-in for the Biggest Loser contest at school tomorrow I skipped the baked potato I had planned to have w/our pork roast and instead ate tomatoes and cottage cheese.  I know the calories would have been about the same but carbs, potatoes in particular, cause me to retain water like a freakin’ sponge.

I still feel like a fat blob but for now I’m feeling pretty hot!

Current weight–231.5 (I think)

I’m not happy w/my food intake right now but it could definitely be worse. I have been making every effort to ask myself before I eat something if I truly want it and if it’s worth the extra calories. Most times I say “yes” but there have been more than a few times that I walk away from the food or take a small amount. I’m not willing to be hardcore right now so this will have to do.

I was in the checkout line @ Target and saw a magazine that made me want to laugh out loud. It was a fashion magazine and the heading said “What to do when a size 4 is too big” Geez, what a problem that would be

Current weight: 232.5 (YIKES, up 2.5 in ONE DAY)

The usual plan to workout after school got thrown out the window today b/c a friend stopped by after school and she needed me. I’m ok w/that. She is such a strong person so to have her actually reach out for help is hard for her. I know b/c I’m just like her.

So to counteract my lack of workout I’m going to be very careful w/my food tonight. I can do it.
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On another note, some of you guys are at hardcore schools! Our district used to require adults to come in on time when the kids are delayed due to weather but a secretary was killed on the way into school years ago and that policy was changed. How sad that it took something like that to consider safety over contract hours.

Current weight: 230 (no change)

I wrote a brilliant post and then got an error message so I guess you’ll all have to suffer w/the abridged version.

I was going to be busy after school today so I got up at 4:10 to lift. Turned on the tv just before 5:00 to catch the weather report and saw we had a 2 hour delay!!! Woohoo! I used the extra time to run the errand I was going to complete after school and then hit the elliptical for 45 minutes this afternoon. I have season 5 of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD from Blockbuster and I only let myself watch it while I’m working out so I’m hitting the elliptical as much as I can. Umm, McDreamy and McSteamy are definitely motivating.

Current weight: 230

I’m a relatively smart, well-educated woman. I have figured out how to accomplish a lot of very difficult things. My hubby calls me stubborn, others call me focused and driven. So why can’t I figure out how to lose weight? Scratch that. Why can’t I follow through on the relatively simple plan it takes to get there?

I don’t do well w/failure. I even hate the word. I don’t do well w/a lack of success. As you all know, losing weight is a realtively simple matter of science; consume fewer calories than you burn. Duh!

Yesterday started out well. I knew I wouldn’t be able to workout after school so I got up at 4:00 to lift. Ate healthy all day, even felt ok about listening to my body and added an extra snack when I was hungry. After school I had to run errands and I avoided the chocolate temptations at the checkout line. When I got home I grabbed some grapes b/c I knew supper would be late. By the time supper rolled around I was hungry but not for anything in particular so I ended up eating frozen pizza along w/my hubby. Then for added measure I ate about 4 packs of fruit snacks. Now I can tell I overdid it last night b/c my head is pounding and I know my body well enough to know when I wake up w/a headache it’s b/c I ate crappy food the night before. Great, a food hangover.

I know in the grand scheme of things one night of frozen pizza and fruit snacks isn’t the end of the world. And if it was truly just one night of this it would be ok. It’s just that it’s one night out of a thousand nights that I have made a boneheaded choice. I knew when I was eating it that it was the wrong choice. I knew when I was eating it that it didn’t really even taste that good. But I continued to eat it b/c it was there.

But today is a new day, right? Our nurse is coming today b/c we had snow days this week and she wants the hours so there won’t be a problem getting in a workout. Justin and I are ringing bells @ the mall and my mom may come along for something fun to do. The only major thing I will have to navigate is lunch–if Mom comes we’re going to go out for Chinese b/c it’s one of the foods my dad refused to eat and she likes to go out for Chinese w/us. If I can talk my hubby into going to an actual sit-down restaurant I’ll be ok but I’m betting we’ll end up @ a buffet. I need to think on this a while and decide if I’m just going to bail all together on the lunch part.

Sorry for the long rant, thanks for listening.

Current weight: 228.5 (-.5)

I decided to tackle the cookies and I’m proud to say I got through w/out eating a single bite. Not while I was sprinkling in the chocolate or while I was swirling the Andes mints w/my fingers. Instead of licking them off like I generally do I washed my hands like a good little girl. Part of what kept me from indulging was the fact that I needed every last bit of dough to avoid having to make a 3rd batch. As I was bagging them up for the freezer I realized I’ll have a few to spare to my son and I split one. But 1/2 a cookie for an entire day of baking is a success in my book

Another part of what allowed me to stick to it is I finally said what has been on my mind for a while to my hubby. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and the only area where we are not 100% in sync is our love life. Long story short, I want sex more than he does. He’s often tired which is frustrating to me b/c part of the reason he’s tired is b/c he eats like crap and doesn’t exercise. I had been doing ok w/writing it off as our one major difference and then Sunday night I learned that when he goes on his annual trip w/his buddy to the strip joint (I don’t love this but could live w/it b/c it’s once a year) they get mini-lap dances. What???? I told him that I wasn’t ok w/this and then he got all huffy and said “Fine, we just won’t go anymore.” Like I’m the bad guy here. I agreed that he wouldn’t go anymore but told him that I didn’t want to be “that wife”. It blew my mind that he didn’t think some half-naked chick gyrating on his pelvis would bother me. When we go out if another guy even talks to me for more than 5 minutes he gets all puffed up and marks his territory, but I should be ok w/someone else on him????? I told him that I didn’t care if he looked but the touching is what bothered me, particularly since we don’t have sex as much as I would like. It would be one thing if I told him “no” all of the time and he wasn’t getting his needs met. Ugh.

So all week it was bothering me. Then we had the blizzard and this morning when we got up neither one of us was talking to the other. After several hours I finally conceded and told him that he won, that I’d talk first. He admitted that he knew I was mad and didn’t want to say the wrong thing. Chicken. He wasn’t sure if I was sad about my dad and figured that if I wanted to talk about it that I’d start talking. At that point I confessed all of my fears: that I wondered if we didn’t have kids if he’d even want to be here, that I’m worried he’s headed for an early grave like my dad b/c of lifestyle, that I’m tired of always being the one to have to start these conversations b/c I feel like a nag and the fact that we have these conversations and then a month or 2 later we’re in the same situation.

He was just about ready to comment and the damn phone rang. Afterward he was sitting there like we weren’t having a majorly huge conversation about the state of our marriage. He was teary eyed and said that of course he wants to be here and he feels awful that I even doubted it. He didn’t say much about his health but I did see him choose yogurt for a snack which I’m taking as a good sign. And I told him specifically some things he could do to make me feel more appreciated and loved. I know it won’t fix things forever and that we’ll have to have a conversation again but I’m so glad that I finally brought up what was on my mind. I also learned that I’m somewhat scary b/c he said he’d rather wonder what’s wrong instead of asking and finding out. Chicken

Workout-wise I was a cleaning machine and then put in 45 minutes on the elliptical. Now all I have to do is make it through a couple of more hours before bed.