It’s all up to me

Current weight: 233 (+1)

I get a weekly email from a woman who is an author, dietician and has struggled w/her weight for many years. Today’s email was about emotional eating and how when you’re reaching for that cookie/donut/burger/bag of chips/etc. to identify what need you’re trying to fill. We’ve all heard this 1000 times but instead of just saying “Oh yeah, I need to figure out what emotion I’m trying to ‘feed’” I decided to actually do it. I won’t bore you w/my actual list but they all fit into a couple of categories. The biggest category has to do w/my need for control. So much of what has stressed me out lately (problems w/the bank which is delaying the construction of our house, uncertainty of my curriculum for next year, is our house going to sell, my son not sleeping well which means I don’t sleep well) revolves around things I can’t control and I don’t like it.

The other main issue revolves around our lack of friends/support system. As we’re finishing up our house and getting ready to build the next one I’m realizing that we don’t have a lot of true friends. We lost some friends around the time that Kyle was born and diagnosed w/his illness for 2 reasons. One, we can’t go out a lot b/c you can’t just call up a regular sitter for a kid w/his condition. Plus, we were exhausted for so long that if we did have some free time all we wanted to do was sleep. On top of that, some people (understandably) didn’t know what to say to us after he was diagnosed so they just disappeared. The second reason we lost some friends revolves around money. My hubby had been laid off by then and was a full-time student so we were surviving on my salary for nearly 4 years. We couldn’t afford to go out.

Geez, could I whine any more? It is what it is and I suppose the people who disappeared weren’t true friends anyway. Those who have remained have shown us that they are golden and we appreciate them so much. The good news is w/my hubby starting a teaching job this fall we will have more money and an expanded opportunity to meet new people. I know it will get better, it just got me thinking b/c I was trying to figure out who could help us move and there aren’t a lot of people who I feel comfortable asking.

On a more positive note, I have noticed lately that I like the feeling of pride I have when I’m checking out at the grocery store. I feel good about having the conveyor belt loaded w/fruits, veggies, whole-grain cereal, yogurt, cottage cheese and other natural foods. Much better than the feeling of shame I had last night on my candy binge. I need to remember that feeling and settle for nothing less.

This morning I wanted to do anything other than workout. It’s unseasonably cold here and was dark, like it was going to rain. Would have been so easy to pull the covers over my head and sleep for a few more hours. Since our nurse came I did get good sleep last night but it still didn’t makeup for the few hours from the night before. The only thing that got my moving was seeing my hubby hobble around. He is so sore from lifting/bending/hauling things but he’s still moving. I helped him load the wood from the old deck to take to the dump and then came home and worked out. Afterward I did a ton on sorting and cleaning of cupboards so I feel good about getting a lot done. It’s finally starting to feel like we might finish getting this house ready to sell sometime soon.

Thanks for listening to me grumble. I’ll get rid of this pitiful mood by tomorrow, I promise

Progress toward workout goal: 49/300

Current weight: 232 (+3)

I don’t know how I functioned during the time that Kyle was only sleeping 2 hours a day. Last night I was up from about 11:00 until 4:30 b/c my older son was sick. He went to the bathroom several times and threw up twice. Finally at 4:30 everything was out of his tummy and he slept peacefully until about 8:30. Of course, kids bounce back and he was off to t-ball and then to the amusement park w/his grandparents. I, however, have been dragging all day. Fortunately Monday is a rest day on my program (Chalean Extreme, otherwise known as CE) and although I had planned to go to the gym and do some cardio I decided to skip everything. Eventually, though, I was hauling landscaping bricks in a wheelbarrow for about 30 minutes up our hill to the backyard.

I did well w/food all day b/c I was so busy but once evening hit the fatigue won. I could have eaten something healthy w/o a lot of work but gave into my desire for quick sugar and caffeine. It was a deliberate choice but I hate the fact that I made it. Plus, on the way to picking up our food I hit a gas station to pick up some candy. I bought so much that the lady asked a question that basically implied that I was buying for a bunch of kids at home. Granted, I did pick up 1 or 2 things for my hubby but the rest was for me. How humiliating

Fortunately our night nurse saw what a tough night I had and volunteered to work again tonight. Our older son is w/grandparents for the next few days so I know he won’t be keeping me up tonight and I don’t have to get up to take care of Kyle until 5:45. My hubby has promised to be up by 7:30 so I can workout and get the day started on a healthy note.

I just have to brag about my hubby for a minute. I so lucked out when I married him. As you know, we have been getting our house ready to sell and our deck needed to be replaced. We had a guy give an estimate, expecting that it would be about $600-800 and he said $1700. Our contractor even said that it was way too high. My hubby decided to do it on his own and it’s going to cost under $200. The deck was sinking in toward our house b/c the previous owner didn’t build it right and my hubby figured out how to lift it up using a car jack and supporting it w/landscaping bricks. It’s actually sturdier than most new decks but he’s so creative. We will both be glad when all of this work is done.

Progress toward workout goal: 48/300

Current weight: 229 (-.5)

For the last 2 days I haven’t earned my food star but I’m actually quite proud of how I have eaten. Friday night we went out and I was very hungry so I went over my calories but what’s amazing is that I listened to my body. I was hungry, ate some, realized I was still hungry, ate some more, etc. I stopped when I was full, not when I was stuffed.

Yesterday, we had the party and I ate before we went to help me say no to temptations. I did try a fingertip of the icing but it wasn’t fabulous so I didn’t have any. After the party my son and I went shopping for new clothes for him and when we got home I was exhausted. He and my hubby decided they wanted KFC so I had the breasts come grilled. Not a super well-balanced diet but I had 2 grilled chicken breasts and when I realized I was still hungry later I had some yogurt. Again, over my calories but healthy. Later, my hubby had some ice cream and I had a nibble but instead of having a bowl myself I took a sugar free pudding, threw in a scoop of cool whip and a bunch of strawberries. For major weight loss I still need to stick w/my structured eating plan but I’m excited to realize that when I need a break from the program that I can trust myself a bit more than before.

Today is the first Sunday I’m not going to let myself go crazy w/food. I have had my regular breakfast and I’ll eat my regular lunch. For supper I’m making lasagne and I have to admit it’s awesome! I will also let myself have a small bowl of ice cream, covered in strawberries and bananas. This is what I will consider sticking to the plan for today.

I also vow to never see the 230’s again after tomorrow. I’m realistic enough to know that the extra calories and salt may cause me to dip into the 230’s but that my “official” Sunday weigh in will always be 220-something or lower. It might take me 2 months to get out of the 220’s but I will do it.

For exercise today I did my CE workout ahd YBB for a total of 90 minutes. I’m a bit worried about what will happen when the CE program is over b/c the structure keeps me working hard. I felt like skipping the workout today but w/weights you can’t skip too many days b/c you have to have rest days in between to let your muscles repair. I might start a new 90-day program or just re-start this one w/heavier weights. I do know, however, that I can’t just wing it; I need someone telling me what to do and when to do it.

I have to make time today to catch up on what you all are doing. You would think w/it being summer that I’d have more time to read blogs but somehow I have less. Thank you for all of your support when I have been absent, I promise to be back asap.

Progress toward workout goal: 48/300

Current weight: 229.5 (+.5 from Thursday)

Normally when I don’t post it’s b/c I am too busy stuffing food into my face to go online. But fortunately that wasn’t the case yesterday. I was just too busy! Here’s a recap:

Started the morning w/a short workout, about 30 minutes of TJ Cardio Party. I would have liked to have done more but my hubby slept a bit later than usual. I had an appt. during the mid-morning so I had to have enough time to shower and get ready.

After I got back from my appt. we had to go to Menards (I think this is local to the midwest, our version of Lowe’s or Home Depot) to buy deck lumber. We had planned to pay someone to pour a new patio and our contractor estimated it would be about $800. We were ok w/that, but it turns out we’d have to demolish an existing part of our patio and do a bunch of other stuff so the estimate came in at $1700. The guy who gave the estimate is a buddy of our builder and even the builder said that was way too high. It turns out that the decking lumber was on sale this week and even though it adds one more thing to my hubby’s to-do list he’s going to rebuild the deck himself. All told it will cost us about $200. Much better.

We heard from the bank and finally have a closing date for our construction loan, July 10th. We’re not happy about this, we’re already a month behind schedule and we haven’t even started building yet, but what can you do. Our builder said that he would be able to start right away so as long as we have a dry 2nd half of summer he should be able to get a lot of work done.

I was starting to feel rundown so I was going to skip the cardio at the gym yesterday but I had a snack and felt much better. I did the hour-long interval workout on the elliptical and it just about killed me. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time on the elliptical b/c in an hour on that machine I only burn about 700 calories and an hour on the treadclimber is about 1200 and much easier. But I know I’m working different muscles and getting a harder cardiovascular workout. Plus, I need to vary my workouts.

Then we went out to dinner so I had to get home, shower again and get ready. I was really worried that I would cave and pig out so I decided to put on a pretty summer dress instead of regular shorts and shirt. I still ate more calories than I would have if we had stayed at home but everything I ate was a conscious choice. I also realized how much my regular veggies fill me up b/c after a salad, green beans and steak I was still truly hungry. Normally at home I have half a plate of cauliflower/broccoli/carrots, a tomato and 1/2 c of cottage cheese plus some lean protein or a frozen entree and I’m stuffed for about 450-500 calories. I’m guessing dinner last night was well over 1000 calories and I wasn’t full.

Got to to, I’ll check in w/you all later.

Progress toward workout goal: 47/300

Wow, just got back from a birthday party and didn’t eat anything!!!

I also forgot to write about my workout today. I did 30 minutes of pilates as a warmup and then did an old stretch workout by Karen Voight. Love it! Exactly what I needed to work out a few kinks.

Current weight: 229 (-3 from yesterday)

I made it through w/o eating pancakes last night but I did eat lots of other stuff so I didn’t earn my food star for the day. I am very proud of myself, though, for not chucking it all and pigging out once I lost my star.

The last 2 afternoons I have been craving salt and this is typically not something that I crave. I think it’s due to the fact that I’m working out so much more and it has been dangerously hot around here all week. I have read that when you workout a lot that you need to be careful not to eliminate too much salt from your diet b/c you sweat so much of it out. For that reason I allowed myself to have some salted nuts the last 2 afternoons after the gym. Most of my diet is very low in sodium and I figure that if my body is craving salt then I will give it some.

I bought a pair of size 14 pants today as my goal pants for the first day of school. I still have the size 12 dress as motivation, my goal is to wear that to my son’s benefit at the end of September.

Today I did my CE workout and the 20 minute TJ. Later in the morning, after watching the news and realizing it’s not going to cool down in the near future I decided to tackle some outside chores. I was trimming some trees for only about 45 minutes but it’s so hot and humid that my entire shirt was drenched, and it was only 9:30 am! This afternoon I went to the gym and put in an hour on the treadclimber. I love the gym in the summer, it’s so empty and I can have it nearly to myself!!

Off to see what all of you are doing.

Progress toward workout goal: 45/300

current weight: 232 (-2.0 from yesterday)

I’m feeling weak today about food. Pancakes are my weakness and I’m wanting them something fierce. Nothing happened to make me want to eat out of comfort, I think I’m just scared b/c it’s going to be hard to win this battle. I so desperately want to be super-healthy, thin and beautiful but I’m unrealistic b/c I want it to happen while I’m eating pancakes, cookies and french fries. I think it’s b/c I’m constantly losing and gaining the same 5-8 pounds and I’m sick of it. Once I get into the lower 220’s it will be exciting for me b/c my lowest adult weight was 223, 4 years ago. But of course I need to make good choices to GET myself into the lower 220’s and beyond.

Today I have been a workout machine. I did my CE workout and Yoga Booty Ballet (YBB). I really enjoyed YBB, I can’t wait to do a few more workouts. This afternoon I went to the gym and did an hour on the elliptical and followed an interval program. It kicked my butt! I don’t know if I can maintain 2 1/2 hours a day over the long haul but for a short period of time it’s good to get things moving.

I’m going to check in on a few of you for inspiration. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!

Progress toward workout goal: 44/300

Current weight: 234 (+1.0)

Well, as you can see I didn’t succeed on healthy eating during the party last night. If I’m being honest, part of it was due to being jealous of how thin my sister has gotten. I have been the one to receive praise lately over losing weight and getting smaller and all of a sudden I felt like a whale sitting next to her. The intelligent thing to have done would have been to eat the healthy veggies I brought for a snack but instead I skipped those over and continued to eat the sodium-heavy snacks I made for the day before. Live and learn. I also started TOM today so I realize some of the cravings and insatiable hunger had to do w/that but it was probably 90% emotional eating.

So I’m starting over. And I mean completely starting over. Instead of telling myself that I have already lost 60-ish pounds and I have about 85 more to go, I’m just going to say that I need to lose 85 pounds. My “high” weight is going to be 234 pounds, never to be seen again. I’m going to recapture that feeling of excitement that you have when you first start on this adventure and make some serious progress. I am still realistic to know that I will lose weight slowly, my plan is to be under 200 by New Year’s, that’s 35 pounds in 6 months. Slow and steady wins the race.

So how am I going to accomplish this? Glad you asked
1. No more loosey-goosey on the meal plan. I’m going back to my regular pattern of meals. I do allow substitutions but only after carefully considering what I need to remove in order to add something else.
2. Since Sundays have turned into a free-for-all as far as food is concerned, I am going to plan out my meals in advance. I’m still going to have to allow myself treats or it won’t work for me, but 1 cookie cannot, WILL not, turn into 5.
3. I need to get back to using the cardio equipment at the gym. With it being summer it’s not as convenient to go to the gym b/c it takes about 10 minutes to get there. Not a huge deal, but by the time I drive there, workout and come home it’s 2 hours. Much easier to pop in a DVD in the basement. But since when do I let the fact that something is hard get in my way? I’m a tough chick and I will plan my time so that I have those 2 hours to devote to myself.
4. I am also going to break up my workouts so I do something in the morning and something in the afternoon. Our nurse arrives at 6:45 so I will do a DVD in the morning (either Chalean Extreme on weights days or TJ/YBB/yoga/pilates on non-weights days) and then go to the gym in the afternoon. Not only does it keep my metabolism firing all day, it keeps me busy in the afternoon when I like to snack and helps me to make healthier supper choices.
5. I am going to continue to weigh myself every day. I really like the accountability. And it actually reduces the power of the scale b/c if the number is up one day then it can be down the next day instead of having to wait an entire week.

Today I am starting well. I did the CE workout this morning, have stuck to my eating plan all day and just came back from the gym. I did 60 minutes on the treadclimber, 15 minutes on the ellipitical and devoted a complete 5 minutes to stretching afterward for a total of 2 hours today. Tomorrow I’ll do an hour on the ellipitical and 20 on the treadclimber, mixing it up so my body stays challenged. In a month I’ll change this plan.

I’d love to hear any suggestions and please kick my (hopefully shrinking) butt when it needs to be kicked.

Progress toward workout goal: 43/300

Today’s weight:  233 (+4.5 from yesterday) 

Yep, you read it right.  Up 4.5 pounds.  Before you go thinking I ate a small piece of livestock I know the majority of it is water weight that attached itself to the salt lick I ingested w/my snack mix.  I’m drinking my green tea and just ate some watermelon, but I also just ate Doritos and peanuts so I think they cancel each other out.  We have another party tonight and I’m not going to be in control of my food so I’m flirting w/the “throw in the towel” syndrome.  Just flirting, I haven’t committed to anything more.  Gee, maybe I should treat this like it’s a dating situation.  When I was single and was afraid that I would want to go further than I knew I should I would sometimes purposefully wear ugly underwear or not shave my legs as a deterrent.  Now I just need to figure out the equivalent in a food situation.

My workout today ended up being “only” cutting the grass, but considering that it was 80 degrees by 8:30 and the heat indexes were already into the mid-90s I think it counts.  I wore a tank top over a sports bra and the tank top was even sweaty where the bra was.  Hard to believe that almost exactly 6 months ago school was cancelled b/c it was too cold.  The air temperature was -45.  I’ll take the heat over the extreme cold any day of the week.

I also probably needed to dial back my workout a bit b/c sleep was horrible last night.  Kyle was up a couple of times but Justin had an upset stomach and between the two of them I was honestly up 2-3 times an hour until about 2:30.  I was able to sleep until a little after 6:00 but I’m whupped.  And I have to drive an hour to my parents’ house and back tonight so I didn’t want to get over tired. 

But holy crap, I am definitely going to add running back into my routine.  I saw my sister and she looks awesome!  It doesn’t hurt that she’s about 5′9″, tan w/long blonde hair and I would estimate that now she’s a size 8.    Granted, she’s unemployed w/o kids and has a hubby who makes a ton of money but she could take that same amount of free time and eat out of boredom instead of killing herself on the treadmill.  Maybe I’ll seat myself next to her tonight to remind me of what I will look like in the future.

Time to see what a few of you are doing and then I need to head out for the party

Progress toward workout goal:  42/300

228.5 (down .5 from yesterday)
I cannot fathom how I lost .5 yesterday, I was expecting a gain of a pound or two. As Saturdays often go, things went well until about 4 or 5. I had to run to the store to get ingredients for a snack I need to make for today’s party and stupidly checked out the bakery section. They had a red waldorf cake marked 40% off b/c it had to be sold by today. This is one of my hubby’s favorite cakes and w/it being Father’s Day today I thought it would be nice to get it for him. Can you read through that line of crap? Granted, it was nice of me to get it for him but that wasn’t really the reason I bought it. I bought it “for him” but then who can blame me when I have a piece or 2. And then, since I had some cake I might as well nibble on the snacks I made for today. These snacks are kind of like a Chex mix but instead of the typical sauce you use Orville Redinbacher’s popcorn oil. Can you say fat and sodium???? So for now I’m savoring the loss, realizing that tomorrow I’ll probably get kicked in the teeth. But I am using the “loss” as motivation to not lose total control today.

I almost thought I was headed to the ER today during my workout. For the entire CE program the key is to use heavy weights but when you’re lifting 30 pound weights over your head and your arms are shaking b/c you’re about to max out there’s a danger that you’ll bonk yourself on the noggin. I was hoisting one over my head to do something or other and didn’t quite have the right grip. Luckily I stabilized it before it came crashing down onto my skull, I’ll definitely have to be more careful next time.

Today is my grandma’s 80th birthday party and I’m so excited b/c my sister is back from GA. She has always been the thinnest out of all of us (I would guess she’s a 10/12) but lately she has started jogging and I guess she has lost 20 more pounds. I can’t wait to see how great she looks. If she looks super skinny it might convince me to add the C25K back into my routine.

I’m also going to take a risk w/my mom’s gift. She just turned 60 and is always commenting on how she needs to get back to exercising, especially since she has seen the progress that I have made. I have explained how weight lifting really makes a difference, particularly among women her age. I have a Total Gym that I don’t use (I love it but my hair keeps getting caught in the pulleys) and I’m going to offer her the choice of giving her the Total Gym or getting her a gift certificate to a place of her choice. I really hope she picks the Total Gym, mostly for her health but also b/c it won’t cost me anything

Progress toward workout goal: 41/300

Weight: 229 (same as yesterday)

The garage sale is done and I made a hair over $400, definitely worth my time. I have run a load of the stuff that didn’t sell to Goodwill and have a few things packed up that we’re going to keep so all that’s left to do is return tables to people and start on the next 500 projects we need to accomplish before we sell our house. It’s probably a blessing in disguise that the bank had a delay on the closing for our construction loan b/c I don’t know if we would be ready to meet our original deadline of July 1st.

I found a good deal on new shoes yesterday so now I just need to wait for the mailman to deliver. Last summer I went to a sporting goods store recommended by my podiatrist and ended up buying a pair of Asics that felt like they were customized for my feet. Apparently I have overpronated all my life and never knew it. Plus, I have a wide front part of my foot and a narrow heel so I always had to deal w/shoes that were too tight or slipped off my heel and gave me blisters. I about choked at the $130 price tag (that was w/the doctor’s discount) but soon realized that they were worth every penny. Since then I have bought the same style online and saved quite a bit. This current model (Gel Kayano 14) is no longer available so I ordered the replacement and it was only $106. Plus, they’re a snazzy silver/orange combo and I can’t wait to see them.

I woke up earlier than I had planned b/c a GD owl started hooting around 4:30. We live in town, I don’t expect to be woken up by owls! Oh well, I did my regular Saturday yoga/pilates and I’m quickly realizing that I need to find a different workout b/c as much as I love this one I’m getting bored w/it. It’s hard for me, though, b/c I have low blood pressure and when I bend over to do traditional yoga poses I about pass out. That’s why I liked this yoga workout so much; she doesn’t do poses like that. Thankfully blockbuster online has fitness DVD’s so I keep ordering yoga/pilates workouts and when I find one I like then I buy it. If anyone has a suggestion of a yoga workout that doesn’t have you upside down all the time please let me know.

Progress toward workout goal: 40/300