It’s all up to me

My question is rhetorical b/c it cannot be answered but I’m really discouraged today.  Yesterday I learned that a good friend’s nephew has been diagnosed w/stage 4 cancer.  I can’t remember what the official name is but it originated in the adrenal gland and has spread to his lymph nodes, lungs, blood and bones and he also has a tumor behind his eye and brain.  They have to do some more exploring before they know exactly how to proceed and what the prognosis is but I know enough to know that stage 4 is bad.

When I got to school this morning some of my kids told me that a student I had last year died on Friday.  I don’t know exactly from what but it’s something medical.  She was in 9th grade.  And then when I talked to my hubby after school he said that a girl at his school (different school) also died over the weekend.  I don’t know who she is yet or if I taught her but I can’t believe it.  It also is hard to take b/c from what the kids said the illness that one of the kids had is essentially the same thing my son was hospitalized with last month.  I knew he was sick and should have been concerned b/c pneumonia can be fatal quite easily with him but for some reason I never went “there”.  It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t know enough to be that scared.

Like I said, I’m not seeking an answer to this question b/c nobody has the answers.  And PLEASE don’t reply back that it’s God’s plan.  While I do personally feel that there is a reason that things like this happen and that it will be revealed to me when I die it doesn’t make the parent of a dying child feel any better to hear that.  In fact, my general response to people who say that is “I think it’s a crappy plan.  Maybe God should change his plan so that he takes your son.”  OK, I really don’t add the 2nd sentence but there are times that I would love to.  I know that people say that b/c they think it’s comforting and b/c they don’t know what to say but trust me, it’s not helpful.

So now I have one and possibly 2 wakes to attend this week.  Two sets of parents that I have to look in the eyes and try to come up with something that can even remotely be appropriate to what they are going through.  Dozens and hundreds of kids to try to console who are confronted with something this serious at such an early age. 

It’s just weird.  I don’t know if I just didn’t notice that kids died when I was a kid or that it truly didn’t happen as much.  I graduated in 1992 with 212 kids and I don’t think that any of us have died yet.  In our town, 2 kids were killed 2 years ago and now these 2 kids have died.  Another student died last year and we have a terminally ill boy at our school.  I’m sure there’s more that I don’t even know about.  Kind of makes everything else not as big a deal.

Hit the gym hard today after school for a little over 90 minutes.  Clicked 4.2 miles off the newest challenge I have joined and then lifted weights.

Days on plan this month:  6

Progress toward workout goal:  192/250

Pancakes are one of my all-time favorite foods and when I got up this morning my older son wanted them for breakfast.  Sunday is a day when I am more flexible w/my eating so I considered diving in with him but knew that uncontrolled eating this early in the morning would set me up for trouble all day long.  I didn’t eat any!!!!!

Weigh-in this morning was good but I would have liked more, 234.5.  Exactly where I was Friday.  But I am PMSing so hopefully a bit of water weight is keeping me stable.

I’ll update more later when I have had a chance to workout.

4:30 pm

The day has turned out to be pretty good.  Usually when Sunday rolls around I go a bit too far w/my “relaxed” eating rules for the day.  It’s not as bad as it used to be where I would literally undo a weeks worth of progress in one day but I do eat much more than the extra 500 or so calories I’m scheduled to eat.  Today, for some reason, I haven’t felt compelled to shove chocolate down my throat.  I’m honestly very behind in my eating b/c I forgot to eat lunch.  My younger son went down late for his nap and there were 2 open houses I wanted to go to so I headed out right after he went down for a nap.  Then, I worked out when we got home b/c he was still sleeping and kicked my butt for 90 minutes!  I could tell, though, by the end that I should have eaten something beforehand b/c I was a bit woozy toward the end.

One of the houses is promising, it’s essentially handicap accessible and w/i our price range.  It’s in a development in the country w/acre lots which I love, but we rely so heavily on my MIL that moving 5 miles further away from her is an actual consideration.  She can’t drive and right now we live w/i walking distance which is nice for her in the summer.  Plus, our house isn’t ready to sell but if we push it we could have it ready by mid-summer.  If we really wanted to push it we could have it ready in a couple of months but I don’t want to end up divorced so I’m not even going to bring up that suggestion.  We’ll just have to wait and see, if it’s still on the market this summer then maybe we’ll look a little more closely.

Days on plan this month:  6

Progress toward workout goal:  191/250

I woke up at 5 this morning for no apparent reason.   I toyed w/the idea of going back to sleep but realized I wasn’t all that tired so I decided to get up.  I forgot how peaceful it is to be up all by yourself in the morning.  It was still dark and it was raining but at this time of year I love the rain b/c I know it means that spring is almost here!!  I used the extra time to do a longer workout than I normally would and now I feel great.

Today we have someone coming to watch our younger son so we can spend some time with just our older son.  I still don’t know what we’re doing but I know that we will go out to lunch so I need to decide ahead of time where we’re going and what I’m going to eat.  I checked the scale again today and saw the same result as yesterday, 234.5.  I would love to see at least 234 tomorrow if not something lower but to do that I need to eat very clean today.  I can do it, I just need to plan ahead of time what I’m going to eat and when I’m going to eat it.

Days on plan this month:  5

Progress toward workout goal:  190/250

The day started with a pleasant surprise, my weigh-in.  I was hoping to see 235 but realistically expecting 236 and when I looked down I saw 234.5!!!  I keep telling myself that I should be proud of my exercise and good eating but I was so happy to see that number.  I’m curious to see what my other scale says on Sunday, especially the body fat %.  I have been able to be more consistent with cardio and weights this week so I’m expecting a good report.

The second good surprise happened at school.  It’s the last day of the trimester and we always make paper cranes and talk about the Japanese culture.  It’s a fun activity but generally exasperating for me b/c when you’re trying to get a bunch of kids to make 26 delicate folds it can make you want to tear your hair out.  They were freakin’ oragami masters.  Now, it’s Friday afternoon, the sun is shining and I’m stinky from a great workout.  What more can you ask for?

For my workout I did my traditional 30 minutes on the treadclimber but upped the speed a bit.  I was definitely sweating more, but it could have been b/c I didn’t position the fan correctly and it barely blew on me.  Then, I went for 30 minutes on the elliptical and did it.  I could have gone longer but I was glad when the 30 minutes was done.  Finally, I lifted weights w/my lower body.  Now that the weather is improving the gym is like a ghost town and I love it.  I think there were fewer than 10 people there this afternoon and they were the regulars.  It’s nice to not have to bump into people or wait for a machine.

Days on plan this month:  4

Progress toward workout goal:  189/250

I had students doing a cultural scavenger hunt in the computer lab today so I wasn’t actively teaching.  In one corner of the lab there is a huge tv that can be used to teleconference w/other buildings in our district but with the tv shut off it was like a mirror.  I caught a glimpse of myself as I was walking by and noticed how trim my hips are becoming.  I did have on an outfit that Clinton and Stacey would love so it did do a lot to camoflauge my tush but for the first time in a while I’m starting to feel like I’m kind of average in size.  Sadly, in America average still means overweight but I’m no longer freak-show fat.  This is exciting b/c I’m basically at my smallest adult size so I’m headed into uncharted territory.  I still have that small voice in my head that tells me I’ll never get smaller than an 18 but I do my best to punch her in the mouth when she starts talking

The weather today was absolutely gorgeous.  Upper 50’s and sunny.  I was able to go to the gym w/o a jacket and drive home with the windows open.  At the gym I did 30 mins on the treadclimber, 15 on the elliptical and 15 minutes lifting (upper body).  Tomorrow I don’t have to be home as early so I’m going to go for 30 minutes on the elliptical.  I’m still amazed at how much I like it.  And even though the treadclimber burns more calories I think the elliptical is going to do wonders for my butt.  I don’t know if this is proper form but for a little while I sit back on my heels (like you do when you’re doing squats) to put the focus on my butt/hamstrings.  Has anyone tried this?

Days on plan this month:  3

Progress toward workout goal:  188/250

I have written and deleted this paragraph several times b/c I am so unsure as to how I should feel.  Part of me wants to scream and the other part tells me to forget about it.  What is “it”, you ask?  One of my sisters.

I am one of 7 kids, 4 boys and 3 girls.  We truly do have a close family yet I’m not particularly close to any of my siblings.  It’s kind of like as long as a few of us are together it’s fine but we’re all so different that one-on-one it’s awkward.  My hubby marvels at this b/c he only has 1 sister, so he figured that w/7 kids at least 2 of us would have something in common.

My oldest sister is also trying to lose weight and she blogs at a different website.  (I have never told her about my blog, this is probably the only thing in my life that is completely private.  My hubby doesn’t even have access.)  She sent me the link a while ago and I checked it today.  Before I explain what happened you need a bit of background info:  She is the ultimate drama queen.  If it happened to you it happened to her 10x better/worse.  She had a MRI to diagnose a sinus infection.  At the time that I was pregnant w/our 2nd child and my hubby was laid off she told us how we were actually kind of lucky b/c it allows us the freedom to make changes in our lives b/c her biggest problem at the time was that she made too much money but she wanted to change careers.  And the words “Enough about that, let’s talk about me” have literally escaped from her lips.

So fast-forward to today.  As many of us did during February she lost focus and is now back on track.  She mentioned that family stress was a contributor to her poor choices and by family stress she meant my son’s hospitalization.  Of course I realize that his hospitalization was a cause of worry for many people other than my husband and myself but did it really make her not be able to get up and workout in the morning, eat several donuts every day and cry herself to sleep every night?  Then she completely twisted the facts and said that he’s nearing the end of his life expectancy (he probably has at least 10 years before we’re at that point) and that we almost “lost” him this last time.  What?????  Granted, he was sick, but he wasn’t near death.  Whatever, this is another way for her to gain attention.

What really pissed me off, though, was a comment that someone left.  She mentioned that even though I have a lot of stress in my life I have lost weight so she can’t use it as an excuse anymore.  Now I realize that the people who comment on her blog are there to support her, just like all of you do for me.  Having said that, this lady had the nerve to say that maybe I use exercise as a stress reliever.  I do, but if it was only for stress relief do you think I’d be up at 4 am several days a week?  No, it’s because I’m dedicated and I am willing to sacrifice sleep to accomplish my goals.  And then this lady also said that sometimes when people are stressed that they don’t eat so that could be why I have lost weight?  She didn’t say it in so many words but basically said that my son’s illness has a hidden perk of weight loss.  Hold me back.  This lady didn’t see the 30 pounds I put on in 6 weeks after he was diagnosed b/c all I wanted to do was eat.

Sorry for the venting, and I’m not seeking comments about how I have worked hard and overcome so many obstacles b/c I know that I have and I’m very proud of what I have accomplished.  But don’t you just want to be childish sometimes and not have to be the bigger person?????

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On a different note, today has gone well.  Thanks to Eileen I did extra exercise this morning.  Normally on Wednesdays I only do a 40 minutes pilates DVD since I have to get up early but I wanted that star so I did a 20 minute TJ workout.  I’m such a dork, but I’m going to be a skinny dork pretty soon

Days on plan this month:  2

Progress toward workout goal:  187/250

Tonight is super busy (dentist and school play) so I doubt I’ll be able to update later.  Here’s a quick summary.

Food yesterday was good.  I was extra hungry at night so I pulled the trick of brushing my teeth.  I don’t think it would work every time but it worked last night.

Got up at 4:00 and got my workout in.  I’m tired now but I’m glad I did it.

Joy, I’m going to answer your question here b/c I’m sure you’re not the only one who has it.  The numbers at the bottom of my post are about my eating and exercise.  I set a goal of being on plan a certain number of days every month.  I started at 20 in January (met the goal) and the February was such an awful month that I definitely didn’t meet it.  This month I’m going for 22 days.

The workout goal is a yearly goal.  Last 4th of July I got all corny and declared my “Independence from fatness.”  I figured if I worked out 250 days in the next year that I would be much closer to my goal.  To count as exercise I need to do something deliberate at least 30 minutes every day.  It has been surprisingly motivating.

Days on plan this month:  1

Progress toward workout goal:  186/250

I generally watch “Oprah” while I’m at the gym and the episode today was all about getting by with less.  Compared to many people we are in good financial shape but there is always room for improvement.  And especially since we may be moving/building and buying a wheelchair van within the next year tightening our belt isn’t a bad idea.  So watching the show got me thinking and I figured I’d share my thoughts.

I’m not a big shopper but as I have been losing weight I have been enjoying it a bit more.  Not only b/c clothes look better but b/c I need smaller sizes.  In an effort to save money I have been buying smaller clothes for summer on clearance and I still think this has been a good idea.  However, I’m probably to the point where I can quit looking.  I would guess I have approximately 10 dresses, 5 skirts and several tops.  I’m a bit lacking in pants but I have plenty right now that fit me so I’ll buy more when I actually fit into them.

Another area where I have gone overboard in the past is on my kids’ clothes.  For the same reason I try to buy clothes on clearance but I generally get way more than I need.  This weekend we went through my older son’s dresser drawers and pulled out dozens of shirts that he doesn’t wear.  He has about 4-5 shirts that he wears over and over and pairs them with jeans.  Keeping that in mind I am going to be very selecting w/clothes that I buy for the future.  Yes, a $2 shirt might be a great deal but not if he doesn’t need it.

To monitor our progress we have set a goal to keep our credit card at a certain level every month.  We use our credit card like crazy but we pay it off EVERY month.  We earn points that can be turned into just about anything so I might as well get points from paying the electric bill instead of writing a check.  I wish I could charge my mortgage!!  In the last 2 years we have earned over $2000 cash from this card and not paid a single penny.  I’m sure they hate us!  But since we use it for everything we don’t have to itemize our budget, I can just budget a single amount for our card which covers groceries, entertainment, bills, etc.  If for some reason we can’t make our budgeted amount then we can analyze where we’re spending our money and make changes from there.

Beyond that life was normal today.  The kids were nuts and I think it’s b/c the weather is improving.  They’re calling for 50’s on Wednesday and sunny.  Sorry for those of you who are out east and buried with snow, I’m just thrilled that it’s not me

Gym today was 45 minutes treadclimber and  10 minutes on the elliptical for exactly 1000 calories.  Yippee!!  Tomorrow I’m getting up at 4:00 to lift b/c my younger son has a dental appt. after school.  Yuck.

Days on plan this month:  0

Progress toward workout goal:  185/250

Today is my official weigh-in and it said 237, a 4 or 5 pound loss from last week.  Believe it or not I can’t remember what I weighed last week and I don’t care enough to backtrack.  The important thing is that it was a loss and was right around what I expected.  That gives me about 2 1/2 weeks to lose 7 pounds in order to reach my first goal, definitely doable but something that will require me to stay focused.  I’m up for the challenge.

To help me get to my goal I worked out today even though I wasn’t sure if I really needed to.  I’m on a cleaning kick so I know I’ll probably burn enough calories that way but mentally it doesn’t feel like a workout.  Since my hubby asked when I wanted to workout I decided to take advantage of his offer and did the TJ weights workout.  Man I love that DVD.  Not super long (40 minutes) but definitely effective.  The best part was that my older son was playing downstairs and picked up a light set of weights and worked out w/me.  Afterward he wanted to keep exercising so we took turns making up exercises and did 5 sets of each.  I’m really trying to be a role model for him and I always try to remember to talk about making healthy choices for my body instead of purely focusing on vanity and the number on the scale.

Days on plan for February:  6

Progress toward workout goal:  184/250